This new year has brought with it new opportunities. I'm currently drafting up interview questions for an industrial techno DJ from Wolverhampton for a website who usually peddle highbrow NONSENSE and fancy-sounding CLAPTRAP. You wouldn't usually associate a character like ME with a website like THAT. Anyway, that's all by the by; I'm just showing off and proving that people other than Scuba and whoever the fucking hell runs the Ran$om Note want me to write for them. RA, Mixmag, DJ Mag and VICE, and all of the rich organs who are able to actually further my writing career and give me some wedge decided long ago that I'm not a cunt worth bothering with, so fuck them, and fuck me, I'm looking like a boring shadow of my former self nowadays and if I don't stop with this line of thought I'm going to ruin this glorious WRDM comeback.

Let's talk about pissing instead.
Did you see everyone on social media last week pretending that they wouldn't let a high-class Russian prostitute piss all over them? LOLoutLOUD, There are so many liars on social media, aren't there, ladies and gentlemen? Do they really think that a high-class Russian prostitute is going to piss out a curly stream of rusty, yellow lager water out of their cute, plucked slots like what English prostitutes do when you pay them for a golden shower? I think they do (think that). High-class Russian prostitute piss is the kind of piss that you can drink like water. It tastes of lemons and Glacier Mints. You can swill your mouth out with it after brushing your teeth. High-class Russian prostitute piss is the kind of piss that you can wash your car with. No, that one didn't work. Hang on...

...high-class Russian prostitute piss is the kind of piss you can happily drown in and die a happy man; like what I'm going to do when I finally commit suicide. When I commit suicide, I'm flying first-class to Moscow, and I'm going to pay a gang of high-class Russian prostitutes to chop my head off in a 5-star hotel room, plonk it in the bathroom sink, put the plug in, and piss all over my severed head until it's covered in their piss and I drown a happy man.

Is that weird of me to say? No? Thanks. And if you think that this post has got fuck all to do with dance music, you're wrong, because the song I'd have playing on my iPod whilst I'm drowning in a sink full of high-class Russian prostitute piss is this:

And don't be surprised if you start hearing that track in Perc's upcoming dance sets around the world. I know for a FACT that he likes it.

And another thing: don't all write into WRDMHQ to say that I would have been dead before the high-class Russian prostitutes had pissed all over me in the sink because they'd decapitated me first. I know. I know. I know.

More dance music news, reviews and interviews next week, gang, and if you like looking at people who look like other people, check out last week's Hilarious Lookalikes post. It's fucking hilarious.

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