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say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say offsay say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say

WRDM60


This new year has brought with it new opportunities. I'm currently drafting up interview questions for an industrial techno DJ from Wolverhampton for a website who usually peddle highbrow NONSENSE and fancy-sounding CLAPTRAP. You wouldn't usually associate a character like ME with a website like THAT. Anyway, that's all by the by; I'm just showing off and proving that people other than Scuba and whoever the fucking hell runs the Ran$om Note want me to write for them. RA, Mixmag, DJ Mag and VICE, and all of the rich organs who are able to actually further my writing career and give me some wedge decided long ago that I'm not a cunt worth bothering with, so fuck them, and fuck me, I'm looking like a boring shadow of my former self nowadays and if I don't stop with this line of thought I'm going to ruin this glorious WRDM comeback.

Let's talk about pissing instead.
Did you see everyone on social media last week pretending that they wouldn't let a high-class Russian prostitute piss all over them? LOLoutLOUD, There are so many liars on social media, aren't there, ladies and gentlemen? Do they really think that a high-class Russian prostitute is going to piss out a curly stream of rusty, yellow lager water out of their cute, plucked slots like what English prostitutes do when you pay them for a golden shower? I think they do (think that). High-class Russian prostitute piss is the kind of piss that you can drink like water. It tastes of lemons and Glacier Mints. You can swill your mouth out with it after brushing your teeth. High-class Russian prostitute piss is the kind of piss that you can wash your car with. No, that one didn't work. Hang on...

...high-class Russian prostitute piss is the kind of piss you can happily drown in and die a happy man; like what I'm going to do when I finally commit suicide. When I commit suicide, I'm flying first-class to Moscow, and I'm going to pay a gang of high-class Russian prostitutes to chop my head off in a 5-star hotel room, plonk it in the bathroom sink, put the plug in, and piss all over my severed head until it's covered in their piss and I drown a happy man.

Is that weird of me to say? No? Thanks. And if you think that this post has got fuck all to do with dance music, you're wrong, because the song I'd have playing on my iPod whilst I'm drowning in a sink full of high-class Russian prostitute piss is this:



And don't be surprised if you start hearing that track in Perc's upcoming dance sets around the world. I know for a FACT that he likes it.

And another thing: don't all write into WRDMHQ to say that I would have been dead before the high-class Russian prostitutes had pissed all over me in the sink because they'd decapitated me first. I know. I know. I know.

More dance music news, reviews and interviews next week, gang, and if you like looking at people who look like other people, check out last week's Hilarious Lookalikes post. It's fucking hilarious.

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BRAND NEW HILARIOUS LOOKALIKES OF 2017

Last week I told a white lie and said that this week's post would be about all kinds of interesting stuff, and beef, but I was talking out of my pert, sexy, rimmable little arsehole. This week is actually all about looking at DJs who look a bit like other people. LOLoutLOUD. Yes! It's the RETURN of Hilarious Lookalikes. Get your eyeballs in front of these pictures, read the descriptions and laugh until your eyeballs fall out and you need to buy replacements from the eyeball shop.

DJ Harvey and Joey "The Lips" Fagan out of The Commitments


Have you ever seen DJ Harvey on the same film set as the bloke who plays Joey "The Lips" Fagan off of that motion picture, The Commitments? No? Neither have I! It might be something to do with the fact that they look EXACTLY like one another and the director might shout, "Action!", at the wrong person, with hilarious consequences! ROFLOFL

Prosumer and the bearded bloke off of ABBA


I always used to say that Prosumer looked like P-Thugg off of Chromeo, Mike Manumission and Eavis Glastonbury, but I was wrong. He actually looks like the one with the beard out of ABBA! Have a look at the picture above and tell me that Prosumer doesn't look like the one out of ABBA with the beard. You'd be wrong, wouldn't you, because he DOES look like the bearded one off of ABBA!! LOLoutLOUD

Lee Burridge and DVS1


I've got a couple of cracking jokes for you now, ladies and gentlemen. I say...

Q. What's white, bald, friendly-looking and spins dance discs for a living?
A. DVS1.

Q. What's white, bald, friendly-looking and spins dance discs for a living?
A. Lee Burridge.

It's the way I fucking tell them! PMSLOLOMFA

How many have I done so far? Three? Fucking hell. That's not enough for a proper post. Right...

Prins Thomas and Justin Lee Collins


Have you ever seen Prins Thomas and Justin Lee Collins booting the fuck out of women in the same room? No? Neither have I, but that's not to suggest that Prins Thomas knocks the opposite sex into next week, that was just another way of saying that Prins Thomas looks a bit like JLC, if you've had a few beers and are squinting. MILFNUR



So, is it all worth it? I've been writing as Tonka for a long time now, and it's natural for me to wonder if this blog ran its course YEARS ago, and whether it was foolish of me to think plugging it back in on a weekly basis in 2017 is a good idea. Has today's post answered any questions? Has it entertained? Are you not entertained? I never really did give a fuck about the ins and outs of dance music, and I stopped being impressed by DJs and producers in about 2012. They're easily accessible, desperate for flattery, and they do a fucking boring, sub-creative and, frankly, sad job - especially if you're still in the DJ game through to middle-age.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a DJ."

"How old are you?"

"Forty-five."

"Oh."

Blogging is cool, though, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? And lucrative.

Sigh.

Jennifer Cardini and Professor Brian Cox


Fuck me. This one's bad. Sorry, Jennifer. Sorry, Brian. I think the only resemblance here is their hairstyles in the two pictures I took about fifteen minutes trawling through Google Images for. LOLCHOMPA

I'll be back on here next week, on here every single day of my life and on here on Friday.

Enjoy the rest of your week, you fucking TWAT.

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Please watch Tonka's Week every Friday: theransomnote.co.uk/tonkas-week
Please get behind my daily blog on Hotflush: hotflushrecordings/blog

WRDM59


Remember when I used to update the Weekly Review of Dance Music every Tuesday? LOLoutLOUD. Remember when I used to be really popular? ROFLOFL. Remember when I used to write a daily blog for Scuba every fucking day of the week on his Hotflush Recordings website? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. What was that all about, eh? Fuck me. 2016 was weird.

2016 was weird. I said that about two seconds ago. Remember? It was fucking weird. All of them famous people died every month, David Cameron got sacked. Barack Obama got sacked. Chubby Funster lost his records. Josh Baines got promoted at Thump. I started hosting a pub quiz in Leyton. I died on my arse at a festival. Nanny Kath is still alive. Uncle Brian started shitting himself in the street (turns out he's got colon cancer). My mum and my sister fucked off to live in Canada. The world went mad, I think. Well, everyone else said it did. I don't know.



I'm writing this post from the warmth of a very dear friend's living room in Northolt. I've got YouTube up on the telly and am watching/listening to Visual Radio Soulwax. Love Is In The Air is currently being mashed up into a heavy metal track...ahh, it's Reign In Blood by Slayer. Very clever.

That's got fuck all to do with anything, though, it's just a dance music reference to prove that I'm STILL bang into dance music, which is WHY I'm bringing BACK the world famous, definitely not forgotten, Weekly Review of Dance Music. Take a look around; I've got a snazzy new background, modern fonts and a box-fresh joie de vivre unmatched by any other dance music blogger in Northolt. I am the happy one.


And on that note, I'm going to take my leave for this week and BEG you to come back next Tuesday because I've got a right good blog post prepared for you all. It's about hard house, taking ecstasy E tablets, sniffing poppers, going to House of God, slagging off Josh Baines at Thump, reminiscing about all of the gorgeous birds I've rattled over the years, slagging off other websites, slagging off Chubby Funster at Mixmag, bigging up Tony De Vit, moaning about how Resident Advisor never put me in their Feed anymore, exposing dance music corruption, harrumphing about people on Facebook who pass off Viz Top Tips and the @Classic_picx idea as their own, and I will also be reviewing the latest, fresh, Barry house* cuts from The Martinez Brothers' exciting new Barry house EP, entitled Barry Time (It's Barry Time) feat. Jamie Jones and Headless Horseman. It's Barry house at it's most Barry, and I'm fucking BUZZING to play it out next week.

PLEASE COME BACK TO THE WEEKLY REVIEW OF DANCE MUSIC NEXT WEEK, PLEASE.

Please Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
Please Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Please Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com
Please watch Tonka's Week every Friday: theransomnote.co.uk/tonkas-week
Please get behind my daily blog on Hotflush: hotflushrecordings/blog

"Barry house" is attributed to Wil at Ran$om Note.