WRDMerchandise: Christmas Catalogue

The holidays are coming, the holidays are coming, the holidays are coming, the holidays are coming, always Coca Cola, the holidays are coming, the holidays are coming, always the real thing, the holidays are coming, the holidays are coming! Fuck me, lads, it's almost the end of November, which means that it's almost time to put a tree in your LIVING ROOM and a wreath on your FRONT DOOR and to pretend to like your NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS and to walk around central London (or whichever is your nearest town centre) with a GENUINE smile on your face, a spring in YOUR step and hope IN your heart for a better tomorrow.

I can't wait for Christmas. The best thing about Christmas is all the presents you get though, isn't it? It just is though, isn't it? Nobody really gives a fuck about it being Jesus' birthday anymore. In a way, I feel sorry for the lad, but, at the end of the day, all I'm interested in is presents for me.

What do YOU want for Christmas? I'll tell you:

WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 Calendar
Add some dance eye candy to your wall this coming year, ladies, gay and bisexual men, with the official WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 calendar. Twelve perfectly chiselled DJs and producers have posed topless for the renowned east London photographer, Jake Davis, and the result is a stunning collection of images that are guaranteed to brighten up your kitchen/office/welding bay and bring a naughty smile to your face every day of the year.

If you don't get a wide on/hard on when you look at the WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 Calendar each morning, you'll get your money back.

£10.00 each
Available to buy in December from Ran$om Note Corp

Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live Christmas Jumper
Modelled here by Jon Snow off of Channel 4 Drugs Live, this Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live Christmas jumper would make even the grumpiest fucker on earth (that bloke out of Scrooged) feel festive. Look at the tummy. Shabs has cheekily pulled on a pair of novelty reindeer horns and ears, and is URGING you to enjoy Christmas.

This 100% cotton - and some wool - elasticated, machine washable pullover is long sleeved with a ribbed trim AND a crew neck, and with 26% viscose in it, you're guaranteed to have the paralytic office party blart all over you at the Christmas party or your money back.

£25.00 each
Available to buy from WRDMHQ in Northolt

Spencer Parker, DVS1, DJ Pete and Len Faki Novelty Crackers
Make your Christmas dinner go BANG with these hilarious novelty DJ crackers. All you need to do is pull one end whilst someone else at the dinner table pulls the other end. If you both pull hard enough, the middle of the cracker will go BANG, and a dance music-related joke will fall out. All you'll then need to do is read the joke out loud and everyone will fall about clutching their sides.

The Spencer Parker, DVS1, DJ Pete and Len Faki Novelty Crackers are guaranteed to deliver belly laughs or your money back.

£10.00 per pack of 20
Available to buy from WRDMHQ in Northolt

Official WRDM Bootleg Star Wars Lightsabers: Sabre Swords.
To get around Disney and Lucasfilm getting all uppity about me appropriating their intellectual property, I've cleverly called these WRDM bootleg lightsabers, Sabre Swords. LOLoutLOUD. Get out of that one, George. There's not a judge in the land who'd send me down for selling neon, flashing Sabre Swords at a fraction of the price you can buy a lightsaber for down Toys R Us.

Your kids will love pretending to be Yado, the little green munchkin who fights King Fader, the big, black robot ruler of the galaxy. These two cunts battle to the death for the right to call themselves the Force Rebel and fly the magical space ship, the Death Ship. In my head, Yado wins and when he takes King Fader's mask off, King Fader tells him that he's actually his uncle. Yado then confronts his aunty, Princess Lynn, and demands to know who the man he'd been calling "Uncle Sam" all his life really is. Princess Lynn tells Yado that Uncle Sam is actually King Fader's stepdad, and King Fader had abandoned him as a kid to join the baddies. After that, I don't know where the story could go.

£8.99 each
Available to buy from WRDMHQ in Northolt

The Nights Before, During and After Christmas DVD starring Brandi Love and Tonka
One for the grown-ups. This is my first foray into the world of adult entertainment, and it was an honour to share the stage/kitchen floor with the legendary Brandi Love.

Christmas cums early (I don't mean prematurely though) in this wild, sex romp video set on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. When Tonka (played expertly by Tonka) hears something on the roof of his house, he initially thinks it's Christmas Eve burglars, so he creeps downstairs to the living room in just his tight-fitting boxer shorts to protect his massive Christmas tree from being robbed. However, he gets the surprise of his life when none other than Santa's wife, Mrs. XXXmas (played expertly by Brandi Love), tumbles down the chimney! She quickly explains who she is and informs Tonka that Santa can't do the rounds this year due to being too old, too slow and "too fucking ugly."

The next three hours show what happens when you put a fit, well hung dance writer in the same house as an older, bored and horny housewife on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

For the role, I put on a really deep American accent. It just sounds better than hearing a West Midlands one in a porn video. Brandi Love set her accent deeper than usual as well. Read the next bit of dialogue from the film in a really deep American accent, and you'll get an idea of how erotic this DVD is:

Tonka - Don't cha feel bad about all them kids in the world waking up today with nothing under their Christmas trees?

Mrs. XXXmas - I don't give a fucking shit, Tonka. I just want that fucking cock in my ass.

Let's just say that if you like watching Christmas films that show - in graphic detail - missionary positions, 69s, her on top, from behind, doggy style, backwards cowgirl, licking out, rimming, tea-bagging, facials, swallowing, blow jobs, rainbow kissing, tops and fingers, mutual foreplay, spitting, role play, tits, tossing the salad, cream pies, anal, nipple play, face sitting, raw...well, I don't want to go into too much detail, but you get my drift. Winking smiley face.

£19.99 each
Available from WRDMHQ in Northolt


Good stuff, eh?

That's about it from me for this week. I'll be back next Tuesday with a gigantic review of the night out I'm about to experience down the Dance Tunnel on Friday night. Helena Hauff, you better play a fucking blinder, love, because I'm coming equipped with my special notepad and pen. Normal punters: REMEMBER to get down there early because they've sold out of tickets and there are only 50 on the door. I really must say that.

Also, keep your eyes peeled on Ran$om Note for the full WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 Calendar. That'll be available in the next couple of weeks, probably. Twelve months of pure dance beef.

Now, before I go, check out this new video for my new favourite dance duo, Du Tonc.

- Why are they your new favourite dance duo, Tonka?

- Because they're named after the French name for Tonka.



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WRDM57

This week's Weekly Review of Dance Music is called WRDM57, and it's all about what I've done on the weekend and what I'm doing this week and next (week). It's definitely not filler; it's great.

*chuckles*

Thumbs up.
On the weekend I was lucky enough to get talking to a woman who was a friend of Evil Eddie Richards' girlfriend. I was stomping around the wood-chip dance floor at Tonkyo Nights, I mean, Tokyo Nights, on Saturday night with my coat on; pint of Asahi in one hand, pint of Asahi in the other (does life get any better?). She bowled over to me and screamed, "YOU CAN PUT THEM BEERS ON THIS LITTLE SPEAKER HERE, IF YOU WANT?" I nodded a nod that let her know that I was appreciative of her advice and plonked them both down on the little Funktion One speaker to the left of the DJ booth. I asked her who she was. "I'M A FRIEND OF EVIL EDDIE RICHARDS' GIRLFRIEND, WHO ARE YOU?!"

"Tonka", I said.

Immediately, she pulled out a VIP wristband and wrapped it around my sexy wrist in a manner that sounds dead sexual, but it wasn't. I was then dragged backstage to the Tokyo Nights VIP section behind the DJ booth to meet Evil Eddie Richards' girlfriend. Free drinks all round. Typical Tonka, I thought to myself. I can't remember what we all talked about as Evil Eddie Richards played a fucking brilliant set that went from disco to electro to house and sometimes back to disco and electro (highlight being Your Life by Konk) because I was drunk, but I do remember looking around me and thinking, "I fucking love being Tonka. It's great."

Me being the investigative journalist that I am though, I did come away with a scoop. You didn't hear this from me (you did), but Evil Eddie Richards lives in Milton Keynes. Mixmag, Thump, if you're reading this, get in touch. I'm STILL available for paid journo work. Winking smiley face.



Yes, Tokyo Nights was great. You really do feel as though you're getting drunk in the back streets of Tokyo, if Tokyo were entirely populated by young Londoners. It's that good that I'm going back on Thursday night for Richie Hawtin's Enter.Sake event. Did you know that Richie Hawtin earned the Advanced Sake Professional Certification and was made an official Sake Samurai by the Japanese Sake Brewers Association in 2014 for his efforts in promoting sake abroad? You do now, so if you're going on Thursday night, be prepared to put up with him showing off about how much he knows about sake and enthusiastically urging everyone to switch from lager whilst Hito plays her usual brand of minimal and ambivalent dance music. SEE YOU THERE.
I'm not just saying this because I'm on the guest list and am now contractually obliged to promote
Darkroom with Helena Hauff at Dance Tunnel, but I can't wait to go to the Dance Tunnel next Friday night (27 November 2015) for Darkroom with Helena Hauff. On last week's Tonka's Week on Ran$om Note, I clearly and concisely explained that tickets have all sold out, but there will be 50 tickets on the door. So, to reiterate what I said last week, this week, if you want to stand any chance of partying down next week with yours truly, then you really have to get there before 10pm. I really have to say that.

If you've never been to Dance Tunnel before, I'll describe it to you now:

Dance Tunnel is NOT an actual tunnel, but it is a small, 220 capacity nightclub in Dalston that's got a nice red light in it. Next week, you'll see me and Draper swaggering about like we own the place whilst Helena Hauff brings the house down (with support from Rupes and Nic Baird) with her usual brand of claustrophobic, drum-focused dance music. SEE YOU THERE.



Although I’ve not been asked to speak at the Take Note Educational Music Conference on Saturday 21 November, I’m still going to travel from Northolt to have a look at what’s going on. It’s at Second Home in London (course it is), and there'll be over forty dance music industry people there speaking about themselves and giving solid gold advice to hundreds of wide-eyed and impressionable ticket holders from all over east London who are GAGGING for some industry inside knowledge.

I’ll be sauntering about making gun shapes with my hands and winking at the likes of Ali Love (artist / Hot Natured / Infinity Ink / Chemical Brothers), Duncan Dick (editor, Mixmag), Nick Sabine (co-founder, Resident Advisor), Roni Size (DJ / producer / live act / label owner: Full Cycle), Becky Tong (co-founder, Juicebox / Radio Plugger), Melissa Maouris (founder, Maouris PR), Huw Owen (producer, BBC Radio 1's Essential Mix) and many, many other pals of mine.

I will also be seen wringing my flat cap in my hands and apologising to Kate Hutchinson (Deputy Editor, the Guardian Guide), tripping over my words whilst trying to explain that the mint choc chip anecdote she read last year was not JUST what I’m all about. SEE YOU THERE.
Fuck me. I've just copied and pasted an entire section from last week's Tonka's Week. LOLoutLOUD. This blog used to be fucking brilliant.

Next week will be a good one. WRDMerchandise returns with things like dance music-themed Christmas tree baubles, the first showing of the official WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 calendar, a Christmas jumper with Spencer Parker's face on it, official WRDM bootleg Star Wars merchandise (sabre swords) and much, much more.

Please Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
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Please watch Tonka's Week every Friday: theransomnote.co.uk/tonkas-week

FUCKING LISTEN TO THIS TUNE NOW AND SAY "THANK YOU" TO PERC AND TRUSS FOR PLAYING IT ON A LIVE MIX LAST YEAR AND THEN THANK ME FOR PICKING IT OUT AND REVISITING IT ON HERE.

WRDM56

What am I going to tell my grandchildren, eh? Serious question. What the fuck am I going to tell my grandchildren when I sit them down on my knee in the 2050s, my breath stinking of Werther's Originals and barely legal poontang (I'll still be dead handsome)?
- What did you do in the war, Granddad Tonka?

- Which one, Konrad?

- World Gulf Three, Granddad Tonka.

- What the fucking hell are you on about, sonny? When Jezza Corbyn swept to power in 2020, all the wars stopped. He melted down all the nuclear weapons and the world's been fucking boring ever since.

- Sorry, Granddad Tonka. If there weren't any wars when you were a young man, what did you do?

- Well, I used to run a blog called the Weekly Review of Dance Music. It was world famous.

- Really, Granddad Tonka?

- Yes, Konrad. You see, in the 2010s the world was very different to how it is now. You had all these people called DJs who would play music at parties, and people like me would write about them on the Internet.

- People, real people, would play the music at parties, Granddad Tonka? What, like a Music-O-Tron 4000?

- Exactly. These days, clubbers, quite rightly, don't care who's selecting the records down the Apple McDance Hub MMLV. Back when I was a young 'un, there was a cult of personality amongst the dance music community, the paper and online press and the punters that meant talent, hard work, artistic integrity and honesty meant fuck all unless you were "in" with the right people or any good on social media and brown-nosing.

- Were you "in", Granddad Tonka?

- No, I stood apart from all that, laddie. Yes, I interviewed the likes of Soul Clap, DJ Harvey, Surgeon, Perc, Jeremy Healy, Disco Bloodbath, Egyptian Lover, Acid Pauli, Truss, Dinky, Joe Muggs, Pittsburgh Track Authority, Tony De Vit and Tim Sheridan. Yes, I was voted Blog of the Week in the Guardian in July 2013. Yes, I scored an enormous viral hit with Ben Klock - Being Boiled, also in 2013, also with Tim Sheridan, and yes, I was interviewed by the UK's biggest selling news and current affairs magazine, Private Eye, in September 2015 after giving VICE and Thump a good hiding for not paying me seventy five pounds for an article after they promised to pay me seventy five pounds. Yes, I was a special guest on a panel to discuss the future of music journalism at the London Electronic Music Event in 2014, sharing the stage with the woman who was heading up Daft Punk's UK press relations at the time, Terry Farley, Dan Beaumont and some other people who were big hitters in the industry, but not names you'd automatically recognise right now if I told you. Yes, young Konrad, I was "in", but at the same time, I was "out". Know what I mean?

- I don't know, Granddad Tonka. On paper, you sound like you were very much an important part of the dance music community in the 2010s.

- That's beyond question, kidda. What I'm saying is, I had the writing ability, the unique-ability and the down right writing ability to secure top-level, A-list artists who were looking to publicise their work with a writer, your Granddad Tonka, who for many years was on top of, and ahead of, his game without comprising my credibility and embarrassing myself like lots of other writers were at the time. Dance music journalism was a state, Konrad. An absolute state.

And do you think I paid to get into a nightclub after about the year 2013? LOLoutLOUD. Kon, I had nightclubs falling over themselves to write my name down on their A4 clip boards, from about the year 2013. I'll tell you that. I was somebody. I was a name alright. And another thing...

- (interrupting) In what respect, Granddad Tonka?

- You what?

- In what respect were you unique and ahead of the game?


I could go on and finish that hypothetical, futuristic transcript of the conversation I may one day have with our Konrad in 2054, but I was getting bored of detailing my legacy. The point is, I'm sat here at my desk in WRDMHQ, the Northolt breeze swirling around in the back garden, blowing leaves everywhere, and I've got the soundtrack to Sicario by Jóhann Jóhannsson on my CD player. As far as film soundtracks go, I've only ever listened to the Human Traffic one before, so I don't know if Sicario is any good or not in comparison to other soundtracks. It's fucking scary though, I'll tell you that. Every single track on it sounds like it could be the breakdown to every single track on Berghain 07 by Function. When I put it like that, it must be good then.

Sicario - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 
By Jóhann Jóhannson / OUT NOW

8/10

Fuck me. I just did a review without even realising it! What was the point I was trying to make? Well, I'm sat here at WRDMHQ listening to a spooky soundtrack - the Northolt wind howling - whilst simultaneously writing WRDM56 and some MASSIVE QUESTIONS for Bicep (WRDM56 on my black Samsung laptop with my right hand, MASSIVE QUESTIONS on my white Apple iPad 2 with my left), and I think I'm trying to say how great the Weekly Review of Dance Music is compared to everything else in dance.

I'm the nicest man in dance.
I'm very kindly interviewing Bicep soon, even though they forcefully rejected my offer to be in a WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 calendar - at least they responded; I'm still waiting to hear back from Daniel Avery about an interview based entirely on our mutual love of late 80s/early 90s WWF. I'm trying to pitch the calendar idea to various websites and magazines at the moment, but nobody is having it. Apparently, DJs and producers just don't like the idea of posing topless in garages and kitchens anymore. At this rate, WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 is going to be eleven months of me in my pants and one of Dave Clarke (the only DJ so far to have agreed to appear topless).

So, what is the point of WRDM56? I don't know anymore, it's beginning to fizzle out a bit now, like a firework. I started off thinking that I could do a really clever piece where an old age Tonka talks to his grandson in the 2050s about the state of dance music in the 2010s, but that petered out when our lickle Konrad pissed on my bonfire by asking me why I thought I was something special.

I hate it when people question me.

Speaking of people questioning things, how about them rumours about Seb Fontaine being banned from Sainsbury's for life? I doorstepped the Malibu Stacey resident outside his Twitter HQ earlier today to ask for a statement:

No smoke without fire. He must have done something properly fucking mental to get banned from a supermarket. I'll ask Mike Coupe what happened. I'm playing golf with him at the weekend.

COMING SOON TO WRDM

WRDMerchandise: Christmas Catalogue- Christmas shopping has never been so dancey.

MASSIVE QUESTIONS with BICEP - Talking about The Troubles has never been so dancey.

Jay-Z - Poppin' Tags (Tonka's Reggae Remix) - Brag rap remixes have never been so dancey.

And so much more...

KEEP TUNED, YOU BOZOS

Please Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
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Please watch Tonka's Week every Friday: theransomnote.co.uk/tonkas-week