When I'm not being interviewed by publications such as Private Eye and Hottest Asian Babes, I'm railing against the injustices served up against my comrades in music journalism, like Ma** out of ***ts *n* B**o*d, and A***e*, who writes for *oll*** S**ne, and the many, many blokes who told me about how shit DJ Mag are at paying up on time.

When I'm not pretending to be angry at these publications for not paying up, I'm pretending to give a shit about how dance music journalism is reported in magazines like Mixmag, Thump, Pulse, DJ Mag, Mixmag and Thump. LOLoutLOUD. Over the weekend, Thump pushed a lame article they wrote in March (MARCH) about Seth Troxler moaning about ketamine as if he'd only just said it! Deary me. No wonder Thump are as successful as they are, I mean, I don't have a fucking clue how Thump are as successful as they are.
This links to an article from MARCH 2015
Yes, I do.

It's because they're run by the billionaire villains at VICE, and they'll promise to pay any old writer to churn out a load of badly written bollocks on a daily basis, but that's old news. And boring.

Let's talk about clubbin'!

If I wasn't going to Legoland on Sunday morning, I'd DEFINITELY be spending the day gurning my face inside out and feeling like my arms, legs and brain are weighed down with, and full of, gloopy glue and lump hammers whilst watching my Alan Partridge DVDs. I'd be sat on the sofa surrounded by those little plastic bags you fill drugs with and empty cans of 1664. An uneaten slice of strawberry jam on toast on the arm. Altern-8 CDs scattered all over my rug. A collection of Posthuman promos dancing hither and thither about my recent memory, and a desire to be wholesome again, like I was the day before.
What I'm trying to say is, if you choose to go to a theme park on Sunday morning (20 September) instead of going to watch Altern-8 - Full On Live Hysteria at Bloc on Saturday night (19 September), you're a proper fucking simpleton, like me.

Altern-8 are playing their first full live show in London since 1992 (although I'm sure I saw them at a Tiga album launch at The End in 2006, to be honest. I think they were on before Speculoos Dance Squad) and are also doing a DJ set...in their masks! Luke Vibert and Jerome Hill are also on the bill, but I've not heard back from the I Love Acid press office as to whether or not they'll be wearing masks and all. Masks or not, I'm sure that Luke and Jerome will do a grand job of dropping soulful dance beats, large dance anthems and the odd broken house beat to a 450-strong crowd in Hackney who are all foaming at the mouth to see their rave heroes, Altern-8.

I won't be there, but don't let that stop you from buying a ticket for it.

Altern 8 - Full on Live Hysteria at Bloc (Autumn Street)
Speculoos Dance Squad. Remember them? Not 2Many people do. I thought they were fucking brilliant in 2006. They played things like Around The World, a Dolly Parton song and Windowlicker when I saw them at The End. I still remember sniffing up a load of poppers and watching my head disappear into the ceiling for a few seconds as Around The World clicked into gear. Great stuff. Actually, come to think of it, Speculoos Dance Squad was actually 2ManyDJs. Why they called themselves Speculoos Dance Squad that night, I'll never know because it was exactly like being at a club and listening to a 2ManyDJs set. It was a great laugh though. I wish I was 25 again.

I'm 34 now and I don't know how long I can go on writing about club nights that I'm not attending anymore, and music that I'm not actually listening to. I'm a fucking joke. Maybe getting my name in Private Eye is a suitable end for WRDM and Tonka. Even that sweet success was laced with a sour side-helping of sadness though, because it's not like I can get the press cutting framed or owt and show off to my family because none of them have a fucking clue who Tonka is. I'll go, "Alright, mom? Have a look at this. I'm in Private Eye!" and she'll go, "What the fucking hell's Private Eye?" And I'll go, "It's the best-selling news and current affairs magazine in the whole of England, you saft cunt!" And she'll go, "I've never fucking heard of it. Let's have a look. Where am ya?" And I'll point at the bit that Tonka and the Weekly Review of Dance Music is in and she'll go, "Who the fucking hell's Tonka? What the fucking hell is Weekly Review of Dance Music? Who the fucking hell is Thump when he's at home?"

That conversation will go on all afternoon and I'll get bored of trying to explain. Fuck it. I might as well carry on as I am, writing about dance music better than anyone else does, and for 100% less money than everyone else gets up and down the food chain. LOL. I love dance music, it's great.





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