WRDMerchandise 69

Here's some content filler to keep the Weekly Review of Dance Music ticking over. No, it's not Hilarious Lookalikes, MASSIVE QUESTIONS or Remix of the Week...it's WRDMerchandise.

Look at these and tell me that I'm NOT about to become as rich as Shane Smith.

I'm still furious, as are YOU. Thanks to people like YOU, the Conservatives are now in power for the next ten years and there's nothing ANY of us can do about it. So, sit back and make yourself a boiling hot cup of tea with the WRDM David Cameron Kettle/David Cameron Voodoo Kettle.

If you voted Tory, enjoy a satisfying British brew created in a stylish kettle with David Cameron's face on the side of it. If you didn't vote for them, pull yourself up by your boot straps and get on with the difficult decisions in life by boiling up a scalding hot kettle with David Cameron's face on the side and pretend that the kettle is actually a voodoo kettle, so as the kettle reaches boiling point in your kitchen, David Cameron's face will be blistering hot in Downing Street.

Mmm, imagine sipping on that?!

£14.50 per kettle

You can buy a greeting card for almost any occasion these days, can't you? Birthdays, deaths, leaving jobs, moving house, getting married, getting divorced, passing your driving test, passing any kind of exam, starting school (yes, starting fucking school - I've seen one in action) and St. Valentine's Day, but there is never a card on the rack that neatly expresses the relief you share with a promiscuous friend who's just had their test come back negative from the clinic. The "I'm so glad you don't have AIDS!!" greeting card is perfect for letting a loved one know how much you mean to them at what is always a stressful and secretive time.

The double exclamation mark after the word, AIDS, is a literary Tim Henman fist pump and a kick in the temple to all those who told your friend or family member that if they go to Tangier for a week without at least three packets of condoms, they'll definitely catch AIDS.

Pack of 10 - £4.99
Pack of 25 - £9.99

Slalom through the dance floor with an easy glide and moves that would turn Jay Kay's hat green with envy with a pair of the brand new and OFFICIAL Adidas Tonka.

If, after three months of wear, you can't break-dance or bust out as well as Jay Kay can in the videos to Return of the Space Cowboy, Virtual Insanity and Canned Heat you get your money back AND a personal apology from the great granddaughter of Adolf Dassler.

The Adidas Tonka has a smooth suede upper and a herringbone pattern on the rubber outsole. They've also got comfortable textile lining, contrast and perforated details.

£59.99 per pair

You can buy a poster of almost anything these days, can't you? Dinosaurs, pop stars, footballers, tube maps, maps of the world, maps of Great Britain, cats, dogs, jungle scenes, film stars, artwork, tennis players scratching their arses, Popes smoking dope, aliens, magic eye things, Che Guevara, John Bishop, glamour models and big spliff motifs, but there is never a poster on the rack of your favourite DJ or producer.

I would have loved a poster of John Digweed on my ceiling when I was a kid, and I'm sure the youth of today would love a poster of Steve Lawler on their walls today, so, today, I bring to you the official range of WRDM DJ posters. You name them, I've got them. Above is a picture of me sticking a few up in the WRDMHQ main office.

£5.99 per poster

You can tell I'm getting bored of doing this week's post because the descriptions of the merchandise is getting less and less descriptive. I can't be fucking arsed to describe this t-shirt or give you any background to why I dislike the Thursday-Saturday BBC Breakfast presenter, Charlie Stayt, so much. Just fucking buy a few off of me because I really need the money this summer.

£9.99 per t-shirt

I'll be back next week with either MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage, MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Lisa Loud or an article that is going to fuck my chances of getting any more paid work with one of the MASSIVE online mainstream culture magazines right up the arse bareback and give them (my chances) AIDS.

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Tall Paul - Rock Da House

Over the course of the last four years, I've made mention of this track and, in particular, the video, of which I believe to be one of, if not the, greatest dance music videos of all time. Show me another dance music video where you can watch Tall Paul, Craig Richards out of Fabric, Seb Fontaine and Alex P out of Brandon Block and Alex P mucking about on a ski slope. You can't because there is only one video like that in the world, and that's the video for Rock Da House.

"Moving, grooving, just let the record spin." Rock Da House even has a vocal line that urges you to move, groove and let the record spin. It's an upbeat dance music song ABOUT dance music with an accompanying music video that showcases a bunch of popular underground DJs on holiday together. I can't stress enough how good this track and video is (and I'm not being funny or ironic or whatever most of you think I am. I genuinely think this is fucking brilliant and it's of a time when people in the dance music industry had money and knew how to enjoy themselves).
You won't find Rock Da House in any "classic tracks" content filler lists on the pages of the so-called authorities in dance music (Mixmag, The Quietus, FACT, Pitchfork, DJ Mag, Ransom Note, Minimal Messages, Pulse, Teshno, Red Bull, etc) but I'll always be giving it air time on the Weekly Review of Dance Music.

My dance music fantasy is for Paul, Seb, Craig and Alex to get back together in the studio one last time and create Rock Da House II. In the video for this hypothetical follow up, I think we should see them running around a posh hotel with loads of big-boobed glamour models whilst the squares who run the joint are all pulling their hair out at the boy's bad behaviour. There'd also be lots of shots of the rich old guests poking their heads into the corridor and looking aghast at what's going on. For the last minute of the video, EVERYONE in the hotel is having a good time in the ballroom as the four lads throw a party to remember - and you'll see the haughty old men (who were previously aghast) dancing with the glamour models with massive grins on their faces.

Anyway, watch the video for the original Rock Da House and transport yourself back to a time of dance music excess, the likes of which we will NEVER see again:

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Now that the UK General Election 2015 has been wrapped up, we can all get on with pretending to be interested in things other than politics, like dance music.

I love reading dance music people interviews. They're always dead interesting and you get to learn loads about the person being interviewed; like the name of their upcoming release, and when their next release is out in the shops, and where you can buy their next release from. MASSIVE QUESTIONS on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music is great for delivering that kind of information, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Dance music VETERAN, Matt Tolfrey, loves Fabric so much, he insisted that we conduct our interview in the Fabric Room 1 DJ booth whilst he played his records at the launch party for his recent Fabric CD: fabric 81 (which you can buy here: fabric 81 purchase link. It was loud, dark and full of fun, and as you can see by reading the transcript below, we had a lot of loud, dark fun together.

I'd not had that much fun since Farr Festival last year. Thankfully, they're bringing the party back to Stevenage THIS year (16 - 18 July) and - I really must say this - tickets are STILL available. Click on this link for details: farrfestival.co.uk and go to their Facebook page to watch a video containing the full line-up and loads of cinematographic slow-motion action shots from last year if you're still, somehow, undecided about going: facebook.com/Farr



Q. For anyone unfamiliar with the name, Matt Tolfrey, could you tell them who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A. My name is Matthew Len Tolfrey, and I am a disc jockey and occasional music producer because I like being self-indulgent and on my own for extensive periods of time.

Q. Why did you choose the moniker, Matt Tolfrey, as a DJ name? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with DJ, like a proper DJ (DJ Matt Tolfrey), or suffixing it with something more exciting like Sick Beatz (DJ Sick Beatz) or Bosha Mosha (DJ Bosha Mosha)?
A. I thought I had done enough creatively by just using Matt instead of Matthew, and dropping the Len?

Q. Modestly, you've only included one of your own songs on Fabric 81. Were you not tempted to include a few more, like when Ricardo Villalobos did his Fabric CD?
A. There’s actually 4 tracks on there that I am involved in… Ohhhhh, the mystery...

Q. Open or closed hi-hat?
A. Closed. Open hats are too obvious.
Q. I went to The Bomb in 2002 and had a great time. It was like a little maze and, although I lost all my mates after about half an hour, I did pull a bird who, before taking me back to her parent's house for a 2-in-a-bed unprotected sex romp, had a piss in the doorway of Littlewoods in front of everyone. What is your fondest memory of The Bomb?
A. I paid £10 entrance once for one of their birthdays to see Sasha, Craig Richards and Lee Burridge in room one, Andy Weatherall and Damian Lazarus in room two, and Mr Scruff all night long in Barrio’s upstairs. That would probably cost you £150 now and it would be in a car park somewhere.

Q. What made you include the breathtaking The Bath House by my very dear friend, Dan Beaumont, on Fabric 81?
A. My good pal Geddes who signed the track to No Fit State moaned because I hadn't included any tracks from his label on the mix, and that was the only one I liked.

Q. I'm listening to Queen - The Greatest Hits by Queen whilst writing these questions. What is your favourite Greatest Hits CD of all time?
A. The best collection of Survivor. Got to love you some Eye Of The Tiger.

Q. Is it true that you run FOUR record labels?
A. Only THREE.

Q. What is the point in having FOUR record labels?
A. There isn’t ONE.

Q. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A. Before DJing, stone cold sober, and as last record finishes, suddenly absolutely fucking terminated.

Q. Would it be possible for you to sort me out on the Fabric promo list where I receive the proper CDs (in the metal boxes) instead of occasional Soundcloud promo links from varying PR people, please?
A. I can surely introduce you to someone that could help out. What’s your address and I’ll send you one of mine, so that’s a start.
Craig Tolfrey, I call them! LOLoutLOUD.
Q. What is Craig Richards really like?
A. I don’t know… I only talk to him in the dark...

Q. How annoying is it when you’re on the telephone and the person on the other end mistakes you for the Californian playwright, Matt Pelfrey?
A. Not as annoying as when someone says 1-800, get it???

Q. What are your DJ and production plans for the rest of the year?
A. I’m gonna be a father for the first time in a few weeks, so I’m not thinking much past there. It is Ten Years Of Leftroom this year though, so keep an eye out for some releases with that in the title.

Q. Do you have any words of advice for any young readers of the Weekly Review of Dance Music who are looking to get a break in the music industry?
A. When sending a demo to a label, treat it as more like a job interview than anything else. Don’t cc every label email address you have managed to get hold of and write in the subject ‘SIGN MY TRACKS, YOU WILL LIKE.’ Email the label personally to the A and R or label head, ask them in what format would they like the demos to be in, and wait for an email in return. This sounds like I’m being a bit of a cunt, but if I get any demos submitted in any other way I just delete them immediately. If people give me the impression they don’t have respect for their own material, than I, in turn, won’t find time to listen to it.

fabric81 mixed by Matt Tolfrey is out now: Another fabric 81 purchase link


What a lovely young man. Please join me in congratulating Matt on his successful career so far, his upcoming fatherhood and a hearty WRDM best wishes for ALL of his future endeavours. I'll be emailing Matt the postal address for WRDMHQ this afternoon. Fingers crossed he sorts me out with the proper metal box Fabric CDs in future!

I'll be back next Tuesday with loads more dance music related content, some contentious and controversial opinions on the current state of house and techno, barbed asides at lots of other music writers I'm jealous of, WRDMerchandise is coming back, some Hilarious Lookalikes and plenty MORE.

ONLY in your super soaraway Weekly Review of Dance Music.

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Please Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
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Please Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com
Please watch Tonka's Week every Friday: theransomnote.co.uk/tonkas-week

WRDM47 - Politics

It's time to put my party political cards on the table, lads: I don't know who to vote for on Thursday. I haven't got a fucking clue. None of the MPs I see on the telly ever talk my language. I've not heard a single one of them BANG on about dance music or put clubbing in their manifesto; and I should know because I've read every single manifesto in FULL in an attempt to find out which genre of dance music each political party reckons is the best.

Nobody, not even the Conservatives, talks about dance music genres in their manifesto. Nobody, not even UKIP, offers an opinion on which UK nightclub they think is in need of improvement and support. Nobody, not even the Liberal Democrats, pledges to make ecstasy E tablets legal, so that we won't have to pay over the odds to people like Ragdoll in Balham for a gram of weak MDMA after the 7th May. Labour say that they'll re-open the NHS and take mansions and second bedrooms away from the wanker bankers, but do they promise to save The End from being turned into a shop, re-open The End, re-appoint Mr C and Layo as the managers and finally do away with their draconian bouncers and allow chewing gum to be chewed on the premises? Do they fuck. This 2015 UK General Election is a wash-out, and a vote for ANY of the parties is a vote for clubbing apathy, dance music ignorance and recreational drugging indifference. Russell Brand just told me to vote for Labour, but he's done fuck all for UK clubbing since his stint as MTV Dance Floor Chart presenter in the year 2000.

So, be like me and use your imagination to get an idea about what our three main political parties think about UK clubland, drugs and clubbing and read the rest of this BRILLIANT article about dance music, politics and clubbing by me, Tonka, on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music. Then, make a choice on who to vote for by re-reading this post and sharing it across all of your various social media platforms.


These fuckers don't know if they're coming or going, do they? Left or right? Liberal or conservative (intentional little c)? Yellow or blue? They are the party of the confused and, thankfully, they've agreed to split up and go their separate ways on Friday morning when the results of the UK 2015 General Election have been counted, verified and read aloud to the Great British nation: the United Kingdom by whoever is doing the news.

David Cameron? David Cam-wrong, I call him! LOLoutLOUD. He looks to me like he's done a fair amount of boozing in his time. He's got that slicked back, greasy-haired look that only men of a certain age, with a certain amount of boozing history can get away with. I imagine that he's also a veteran of Trade at Turnmills for reasons I've not yet thought out properly. Nick Clegg looks like a smoker. I know he is one, but he also looks like one. Boozing and smoking are, as everyone knows, the most boring drugs, so I won't be voting for the Liberal Democrats Conservative Coalition Government Party on Thursday.

The UKIP Party of Independence for the United Kingdom (UKIP) leader, Nigel Farage, ALSO likes to booze, but he's not frightened to admit it - unlike David Cam-wrong (LOLoutLOUD). Nigel Farage is never happier than when he's sat in a beer garden with a fag in his fingers, a beer down his neck and a twenty-strong posse of tattoed, ultra right wing, skinhead factory workers surrounding him singing songs about the Poles, the Pakistanis, the Jews, the Romanians, the blacks, the Indians, the Greeks, the Spanish, the Italians, the Scots, the gays, the Welsh, the Irish and the Arabs. He's the political leader ALL of us can understand because of how STRAIGHT talking and NORMAL he is.

Apart from smoking and boozing, I'm unsure of his thinking on poppers in nightclubs and Valium at the end of the after-party, but I imagine that he's of a fairly lenient persuasion. I might vote for the UKIP Party of Independence for the United Kingdom on Thursday IF Nigel Farage comes out in favour of poppers and Valium.

Ed Miliband is a right fucking big-headed, bird-brained poindexter who reckons that waltzing about on the telly and the internet with a massive square head on his shoulders and threatening David Cam-wrong with a debate is a good way of getting himself voted in as the Prime Minister of England - did you see him on Russell Brand the other day? Fuck me. Can you imagine him telling us all what to do after the 7th May? Really?

I've voted Labour all of my adult life because I grew up in West Bromwich, and my parents told me that a vote for Labour is a vote for the working class, of which I was born into. Now that I'm fully enconsed inside of the London Metropolitan Liberal Elite, I can no longer claim to be the working class hero I'm often portrayed as, and I'm unsure of whether I can still vote for Labour. Ed Miliband is the type of person who's probably too scared to even try cocaine, let alone half an ecstasy E tablet after a few tins of Dutch Courage. More over, I can't imagine him even getting drunk. Or smoking a fag.

So, how can a...

...hold on a minute, I've just been told that Alan Partridge is voting for them. Nice one. I'm in.

Ed Miliband is fucking brilliant. Get him into Downing Street to clear up this Credit Crunch NOW.

VOTE LABOUR on Thursday 7 May 2015 (if you are a member of the United Kingdom and are registered to vote).

I'll be back next week with LOADS more dance music related content.

Before you go, take a listen to this remix by me. It's the very first ever party political minimal hard house song. It's called, Dave Gets Pumped (Tonka's 2015 UK Erection Remix) by Ian McQuaid. For full details, go to the Ran$om Note website: theransomnote/premiere-dave-gets-pumped-tonkas-2015-uk-erection-remix

You can go now.

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No, don't go just yet. Here's a PS.

PS. If you live in the Ealing North constituency, vote for this bad boy muthafucka: Stephen Pound. He's got his own R&B G-Funk tune, look: