A message to Mixmag, DJ Mag, VICE, UK Thump, Beats and Beyond, Guardian Guide, DJ Broadcast, Teshno, Minimal Messages, the going out section of the Metro, Andy Secher at Hit Parader, Circus Magazine, Mick Wall at Kerrang, Bob Guccioni Jr. at Spin, Resident Advisor, Attack, Rolling Stone, the clubbing section in The Sun and Pulse: the game's up. You've had a good innings, but the ruler's back.

Postman Pat has sent me a few things this week so I'm offering the senders the courtesy of plugging their stuff on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music.

Here's this week's reviews TODAY.

So Many Colours by José Padilla
I've not done any proper research into the Spanish DJ and self-titled "chill master" José Padilla's background because after putting his name into Wikipedia, I got sucked (not literally) into reading about a prisoner of the same name who's currently chewing on twenty one years worth of porridge (not literally) in America for aiding terrorists, but So Many Colours is his first solo album, I think.

I've listened to So Many Colours twice now; once when I was preparing myself some scrambled eggs on toast for lunch and again when I walked to the shops in Northolt to pick up some brand new red apples to eat at times of my choosing. It was blasting out of the WRDMHQ living room Funktion One rig when I was making the scrambled eggs, and I thoroughly enjoyed the album and the scrambled eggs. I'd smothered it all in salt, pepper and brown sauce and followed it with a packet of Grab Bag prawn cocktail Walkers crisps. Mmm.

Listening to So Many Colours in a Great British suburb, on the other hand - on the way to the grocer - is not half as enjoyable.

- Why, Tonka?

- Well, you're listening to music that belongs in Ibiza, not the London Borough of Ealing, and, personally speaking, it fucked me up having to walk through Oldfield Circus trying to avoid dog shit, surly school kids and empty cans of Tyskie to a background of beautiful, easy-listening Balearic soundscapes, dream house and some normal vocal songs that make you feel relaxed, but ready to dance. Know what I mean?

Check this out: when you say the name, José Padilla, out loud, with your eyes closed, you're taken to that magical Balearic island in Ibiza; Ibiza. It's just like when you put a shell to your ear, you hear the sea. When you say the name, José Padilla, out loud, with your eyes closed, you're taken to Ibiza. Like when you hear the sea after putting a shell to your ear. Same thing. I've been saying José Padilla with my eyes closed so much this week that I've ended up clinically deluded.

So Many Colours by José Padilla


Released: 1 June 2015
On: International Feel

Tunnelomics EP by Dan Beaumont
I'll tell you what's impressive: the Tunnelomics EP by Dan Beaumont. There are three tracks on this EP that dip their BPMs incrementally by one throughout the life-cycle of the release. I've never seen that done on an EP or full-length album before. Look:

1. Tunnelomics..........................................................................124 BPM
2. The Bath House....................................................................123 BPM
3. The Bath House (Mr. Tophat & Art Alfie Remix)......122 BPM

Has there ever been an EP or full-length album that has dipped (or risen) incrementally in BPMs by one? Answers to:

PO Box 69
The Tunnelomics EP is not just impressive for the clever BPM programming and the politically sideways use of innuendo to suggest that the people who run the economy in this country are all metaphorically fucking us through our back tunnels, it's also ramma-jamma full of great tunes. Tunnelomics opens the bath house doors to a fantastic middle and end bath house of an EP. Increasingly Craig Richards lookalike, Matt Tolfrey, thought that the second track on the EP, The Bath House, was so good that he plopped it on his recent Fabric CD as, weird this, also the second track on his mix.

Has there ever been a song on an EP or full-length album that re-appears on a dance mix compilation CD with the same track number as the EP it was originally heard on? Answers to:

Mrs. Tonka
PO Box 69

Tunnelomics EP by Dan Beaumont


Released: NOW - buy here: beatport/tunnelomics-ep

Everything else I've been sent this week has been, with my hand on my heart, absolutely fucking shit, so please join me in sending out the warmest of congratulations to Dan Beaumont for beating José Padilla on the Weekly Review of Dance Music this week. 10/10 scores are rare, so the young lad has done a terrific job on his Tunnelomics EP. Make sure you BUY it.

Back to what I was saying about the amount of shit swimming around dance music: honestly. I don't know how some people get away with it. Well, I do. In this business, it's not what you know, it's who you are mates with and can do favours for. Most of these DJs and producers are only in the game and getting booked/signed because they've bought a pint for a certain promoter in their club or been cuckolded to suck the cock of a certain public relations boss in front of his fetishist wife.

I'll be back next week with loads more favours for friends in the industry and MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Sav..., no, I don't do interviews anymore, do I?

...Or do I?

Here are all of my social media contact details if you want me to write for YOUR magazine for MONEY or bi-sexual favours of ANY kind (if it gets my foot in the door). I do play away from time to time. Winking smiley face.

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Craig Tolfrey, I call them! LOLoutLOUD


< FOR THE THUMP/VICE DIET/FUCKING SHIT EDITED/BUTCHERED VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE, SEE: thump.vice.com/a-bullshitters-guide-to-hard-house >

If you like trendy dance music, you’ll HATE this article. Look:

When it comes to hard house, I feel like I’ve been shitting in the wind for years. On my blog, the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music, I’ve been pushing hard house (between the years of 1996 and 2001) just as much as I have normal house, techno, minimal house, minimal techno, industrial techno and, along with the Guardian Guide, shoulder pad techno but the mainstream haven’t picked up on it yet. The hard house revival hasn’t happened and I’m not sure it ever will (happen). I’d love to see Anne Savage play Room 2 at Fabric. Why isn’t that long haired, scabby faced cunt who bounces the door at Berghain ushering in Ian M once a month? Farr Festival on the 16, 17 and 18 July looks tremendous this year, especially the Ran$om Note tent, but there’s nobody on the bill representing Belgian hoover.

Have a look at the rest of this article and tell me that we don’t deserve a bit of fun nowadays. This Credit Crunch is doing everyone’s heads in and the sombre mood across the European finance zone is reflected in the night clubs we now go to. From London to whatever the capital of Greece is, we’re being shunted about our dance floors by sneery, greasy haired, self-conscious arseholes that care more about looking presentable and knowing about first pressings than having a good time.

So come on, let’s bring back hard house (late 90s/early 00s only) and let our hair down a bit!


If you’ve not got on the outside of these five mixes, you haven’t swallowed the hard house experience.

Global Underground 005: Tokyo mixed by Tony De Vit (1997)
Tony De Vit is the Frankie Knuckles of hard house, and Global Underground 005: Tokyo is the Ministry of Sound: Sessions Six of hard house, so if you, hold on, no, yeah, that does work because if Tony De Vit is the Frankie Knuckles of hard house then Ministry of Sound: Sessions Six must also be the Global Underground 005: Tokyo of normal house which means, if you run that backwards, Global Underground 005: Tokyo is still the Ministry of Sound: Sessions Six of hard house, and Tony De Vit is still the Frankie Knuckles of hard house.

Global Underground 005: Tokyo is the Ministry of Sound: Sessions Six AND the gold standard of hard house compilation CDs, and I’m yet to be convinced otherwise. It was released in 1997 posthumously, three months after he died so, unfortunately, he never got to see the release in the shops like the rest of us did. Tony recorded this mix live in the Liquid Room in Tokyo and, although this is definitely a hard house mix, it’s not the kind of hard house you’d hear in your head if someone said the words, “hard house” to you. It’s not an obvious, bouncy, moronic and knuckle-headed mix. It’s measured, it’s classy, and the two CDs are screwed together with Turn That Fucking Music Up by Knuckleheadz – the track I’m CERTAIN the Chemical Brothers ripped off for their worldwide hit, Hey Boy Hey Girl, NOT I Sit On Acid 2000 by Lords Of Acid.

Mixmag Presents Let There Be Hard House mixed by Fergie (2000)
Fourteen years before I found beef with two very junior Mixmag staffers, I found this CD on the front cover of their magazine (Mixmag). Where now, Mixmag lick the holes of the currently popular DJs, clubs and labels in the currently popular techno scene, in the late 90s/early 00s you couldn’t pick up a copy without seeing the leading lights of the then popular hard house scene on the cover – either posing aboard unicorns (e.g. Judge Jules) or hosting cover CDs (e.g. Fergie).

Mixmag Presents Let There Be Hard House very closely edges Lashed by Lisa Lashes (also on the cover of Mixmag, also in 2000 – see?) because one of the tracks on the Fergie CD, All Night by House Negro, sounds like an ice cream van that got lost down one of them streets off the Chepstow Road that do drum and bass during the Notting Hill Carnival, but instead of drum and bass music, it’s hard house drums and hard house bass with the ice cream van music playing over the top of it, in a good way. He’s also got the confidently busy, Old Skool Flava – Volume 1, and the snooker ball sampling and evil, The Tradesman by Equinox on there, which trump Lisa’s early-mid mix choices of In Ya Neighbourhood (Diablo Mix) by The Ron and Ghettoblaster 2000 by Barabas & OD1 – which are at the silly end of the genre. She finishes on Are You All Ready? by Tony De Vit and all which, to be honest, isn’t the message you want to send out as you’re concluding a set.

Elements (1st Testament) mixed by Seb Fontaine and Tony De Vit (1998)
Hubby away for the weekend, girls on their way, feet up, Seb Fontaine on one CD, TDV on the other, Holby City on in ten minutes, cheeky vino on the go. Does life get any better? 

Seb Fontaine’s mix is not hard house, it’s a time capsule trance set with an unrelated Balearic/speed garage remix of Rapper's Delight tacked on to the end, in a good way. CD2 is the hard house side and we find Tony in a more relaxed, playful mood than he was on both of his Global Underground compilations. Maybe he knew his time on earth was coming to an end and he wanted to make us dance, instead of think. CD2 is a lovely collection of life affirming underground hard house, some normal house classics that are sped up to hard house speed and one trance song to throw you (Signum’s What Ya Got For Me (’98 Mix)). Tony De Vit puffs proudly along the track to his final destination in style, and if you can play me a DJ mix with a stronger four dart finish than One More by DJ Ablaze, In My House by Barabas & OD1, Expression by Steve Blake and Dancing On A Ceiling (Tony De Vit Remix) I’ll suck your cock better than Tony De Vit ever would have done.

Progressive Dance Mix Volume One mixed by DJ Irene (1999)
I found this mix whilst researching for this article. It was in the hard house compilation bin on Discogs and the cover made me laugh out loud so much that I had to include it on here for future generations to look and laugh at too. DJ Irene looks like a chubby Tama Sumo, with loads more lesbian inside of her. She’s wearing them yellow sunglasses that the grown-ups used to wear when I was at school in the mid-90s. She’s holding out to the camera and smiling. She looks excited to be putting out a commercial mix. She’s slapped a PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT CONTENT on it. She’s wearing a market stall jumper.

It would be so easy to mock her, but I shan’t. As well as peppering her CD with loads of her own material and regular voice-overs telling us that “this is DJ Irene’s party”, she’s got Looking Good by Lisa Lashes, Big Love by Pete Heller and an Armand Van Helden song on there too. Progressive Dance Mix Volume One by DJ Irene is the bravest DJ project I’ve ever accidentally found on Discogs.

Sundissential Live at the Que Club mixed by Fergie, Andy Farley, Paul Kershaw and Nick Rafferty (2000)
I didn’t learn how to do drugs until I moved to London in 2004 (which contradicts what I put in print here). Before then, in the West Midlands, I would go to nightclubs sober and dance my little heart out until chuck-out time fuelled only by bottles of beer, pints of cola and an unchecked love for hard house. During the Millennium years, the best hard house nightclub in Birmingham/the world was Sundissential and it was here, surrounded by men and women dressed up as chemists and priests, some twats, a few neon St. Trinian’s girls, loads of gaudy wankers, two old age pensioners dressed like characters in the as-yet unreleased Tekken 2, a fair number of underage whizz veterans and at least five television screens looping images of male and female nuns being saucy, grown men dressed as cows and trippy visuals that I, fucking hell, I’ve lost my thread now.

Anyway, I was on the dance floor for the recording of this particular mix and, although I can’t remember if the music was any good or not (and I can’t listen to the tapes now because I haven’t got a cassette player), it was probably fucking brilliant, and it’s going to be worth hearing (or lying about having heard) if you want to claim that you’re ANY kind of authority on hard house because of how essential Sundissential is to the genre. If you want a copy of Sundissential Live at the Que Club, let me know and I’ll sort you out. OR, if you’re a busty bird with a tape player you can come over to WRDMHQ for a private listening party with yours truly. Winking smiley face.


If you can’t be bothered to listen to the above mixes, jump on YouTube and please have a listen to these tracks.

- Why, Tonka?

- Well, they’re the five best hard house songs of all time and it won’t kill you to listen to them.

Looking Good by Lisa Lashes (Tidy Trax / 1999)

This is bigger than both of Charlie Dimmock’s boobs put together. Remember them, lads?

Looking Good by Lisa Lashes is one of my favourite all-time records, whatever the genre. As a hard house track, it’s difficult to compete with its power and, it sounds funny saying this about a hard house record, its subtlety. The use of the spoken word NASA moon landing vocal is sparse and the hoover stabs, whilst numerous, remain monotone and moody as fuck. The best bit though is when the main off-beat bassline comes in after the first use of the vocal sample near the beginning.

Are You All Ready? by Tony De Vit (Jump Wax Records / 1996)

How many times have I banged on about Tony De Vit in this article? Eleven times so far. Everyone says that The Dawn is his best track but I’ve always preferred Are You All Ready? The Dawn is a trance tune and this one is bare bones, horrible, horrible hard house with overbearing closed 909 hi-hats that don’t stop to breathe, a bossy open 909 hi-hat that does let itself breathe, one of those domineering off-beat basslines that is standard for the genre and the most hooversome of hoover lines that ever got hoovered up and recorded.

Are You Already? is hard, it’s fast, it’s bloodcurdling in parts and moving in others. It has a vocal line that is perfect for whipping up a crowd and it’s, fuck, I’ve lost my thread again. Sorry.

Bits and Pieces by Artemesia (Flying International / 1994)

You can tell that this was written by a Dutch bloke in the mid-90s just by the melody. I don’t know how, but when you listen to it, you’ll know what I mean. The original mix of Bits and Pieces is one of the most mind-bendingly euphoric hard house songs of all time – Tidy Trax almost ruined the Bits and Pieces legacy by spoiling it with a bozo BK remix in the year 2000.

Bits and Pieces sounds like something Ludwig van Beethoven would have composed had he been born two hundred years later than his actual date of birth.

To The Beat by Untidy Dubs (Untidy Trax / 1998)

I've tried to replicated the kick drum pattern from this track on many of my, as yet, unreleased tracks. Bad Man Shake Da Baby, Cuz I'm Hard (House), Million Quidz Worth Of Beatz (On 2 Sides Of 1 Wax), Mitsi Bitsi Teeny Weeni, Hoover Da House (Tonka's House Werk Dub) and Da Non Stop Snare would all benefit from the complicated and unpredictable kick drum pattern from To The Beat, but I've found it too complicated to do in my version of Ableton 9 Crack.

This track features on the Tony De Vit CD on Elements (1st Testament), and the way he transitions into a Todd Terry song from it is fucking inspirational. I’ve never actually heard a bad Untidy Dubs release.

Hoovers and Horns (Ingo Remix) by Fergie and BK (Nukleuz / 2000)

I’ve never liked Nukleuz. I can’t put my finger on why though. Maybe it’s the bland black and blue (sometimes red) artwork and the boring tunes they used to put out. I always saw Nukleuz as the poor, try-hard second cousins of Tripoli Trax and Tidy Trax and, in those tribal years, I’m ashamed to say that I used to write the words, ‘FUCK OFF NUKLEUZ U TRY HARD HARD HOUSE LOSERS. YAM FUCKIN SHIT!’ in the toilets of Sundissential whilst everyone else was sniffing crushed up ecstasy and having a better time than me. Saying that, Hoovers and Horns is a fucking belter!

Tony De Vit had sadly passed on by 2000 and things were about to get inane, but before they did, Ingo (previously known by the better moniker, Ingo Starr) delivered this remix of Fergie and BK's stomping duet with the funny sounding vocal, and every working hard house DJ from Birmingham to Leeds, from Sheffield to Rochdale and back to Leeds and Birmingham again were slotting this into every set during the entire night. I once heard it played seven times in a row by Paul Glazby at The Sanctuary.

Nota bene. Have a listen to all of Ingo Starr’s early work and you’ll see that he invented the donk, not the Blackout Crew.

Honourable mentions: Show Me Love by The Fruit Loop (Tripoli Trax / 1997) / Don’t Cross The Line by 12 Inch Thumpers (12 Inch Thumpers / 2000) / Observing The Earth (Ian M Remix) by Dyewitness (Tidy Trax / 2000) / I Need A Man by Anne Savage (Tidy Trax / 2000) / 999 Matrix (The Red Pill) by Madam Zu & Jon Doe


These are the hard house record labels that were prominent in the hard house era of dominance, etc, etc.

Tripoli Trax
No, not what Muammar Gaddafi wanted to call the main stretch of motorway that runs through the capital of Libya (LOLoutLOUD)! If you were a DJ in the hard house sunshine years and had never heard of Tripoli Trax, you were either a dim-witted or dishonest teenager who was probably playing stuff out from Hooj, Positiva and Platipus and calling it all hard house.

Tripoli Trax, in my honest and ABSOLUTE opinion, was the classiest of the bunch. They married a rough, tribal sound with absurdly pat and vogue-ish vocals. A beautiful, understated and consistent design work on their record sleeves set them apart from most of the pack – Tidy Trax ran them close but ultimately spread themselves too thin with the (admittedly excellent) Untidy Dubs stuff, the merchandise (iPhone 6 Tony De Vit case – fuck me) and the holiday park weekend festivals in Southport. Tripoli Trax kept things purely about the music, and the slipmats.

Mohawk Records
No nonsense hard house, with the emphasis on HARD. A crap logo and artwork that looks like it was developed by the same people who made Killer Instinct for the Super Nintendo are supported by a long run of solid and serious releases by respected artists such as Ian M, Madam Zu, Jon Doe, Andy Farley and Chris C.

To be honest, I should have put that 999 Matrix (The Red Pill) track in the main five releases of this article because it’s better than Hoovers and Horns (Ingo Remix), you’re fucked if you think I’m re-writing any of this though.

I hate to say this, but Nukleuz were and are synonymous with the genre so I have to mention them. I was never that big a fan of Nukleuz for reasons I’ve never been able to put my finger on. Maybe it’s the bland black and blue, oops, I’m repeating myself now.

Mention that you always kept a few BK bangers in your box on Nukleuz if you’re out and about and happen to be involved in an unlikely conversation about early noughties popular hard house labels with someone.

Tidy Trax
The Keep It Tidy man playing a record on an upturned bin is one of the best dance music logos in history, and that can never be disputed. Their period of cultural dominance (outside of London) coincided with a healthy partnership with Sundissential, I think – I might be wrong. They always seemed to be doing parties together and, in 1999, there was even a Sundissential EP on Tidy Trax. As I mentioned up there ^ ,Tidy Trax were not just a record label though, and that’s why I can’t quite name them as my favourite. With their logo slapped on bags, mugs, iPhone fucking 6 cases, tea towels, bomber jackets, baby bibs, personalised greeting cards and wallets, they were/still are a lifestyle brand as well as a hard house factory.

They’re a bit like Cream without the pomposity.

Trade Records
I was never lucky, old or homosexual enough to have gone to Trade at Turnmills. I did have quite a few Trade records in my little metal box though and I always had a great deal of admiration for them. Ooh Sir! by Fergie, Let’s Go by DJ Gonzalo vs. F1, Get Bent by Semtex Suzy and the eternal Let’s Rock by E-Trax, amongst many others, all lent a sophisticated and European flavour to my bedroom DJ sets and my one appearance in the Sundissential third room in the summer of 2001.

Have a listen to Let’s Rock today and tell me that it couldn’t easily slot into Ben Klock’s little metal box tomorrow.

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UBM - Lovin' You (Untidy Dub)

This song is unique, in that it's the only song in the world that could slot naturally into the Smooth FM Sunday morning playlist AND at an after-hours after-party in a Sheffield shit hole that only books DJs who exclusively play late 90s and early 00s hard house.

In short, it's a fucking classic cover of a classic love song by Minnie Riperton who, if she still had any life left in her, would probably be rolling around in her grave if she heard it.

Next week's SUNDAY MORNING BANGER is a secret. Tune in on Ran$om Note next Friday for Tonka's Week and phone the Weekly Review of Dance Music on Tuesday for loads more content, dance music reviews and BREAKING NEWS.

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Tonka's Week - Too Hot For TV

< > I've been getting into sadomasochism this week, ladies and gentlemen. I had a wank on Wednesday morning over the thought of choking a little Japanese bird, biting her boobs, booting the fuck out of her and telling her off in a German accent whilst a glamorous granny forced an aerosol can up my arse, spanked my arse and shouted about how fat my arse was in a rough-as-arseholes Tipton accent. I don't know why I was using a German accent. I think it made me sound more solemn and (clever, this) if the imaginary Japanese woman wanted to report me to the imaginary police, she'd be describing a German man, so I'd never get caught. Winking smiley face.

I’m always thinking.

< > Grace Jones has got a brand new box set coming out on the 4 May 2015 (on Universal) that is ramma-jamma full of brand new material, I mean, dead old disco stuff that she released in the 1970s and is now re-releasing to cash in on the new disco revival that's finally kicking off in the West Midlands, I think. Disco was big in London about seven years ago, so it must have reached Kings Heath and Moseley by now.

That makes me sound cynical, but I’m not. The Disco Years box set by Grace Jones is fucking perfect for eating your dinner to, dusting your mantelpiece and coffee tables to and for sometimes getting saucy with yourself to whilst imagining what it must have been like to have been lucky enough to have had a two-in-a-bed sex romp with Grace Jones in her Amazonian pomp. She would have fucking eaten me alive, lads. Talk about Demolition Man! LOLoutLOUD.

< > I know I usually BANG on about hard house, minimal techno, techno, minimal, gangster rap, shoulder pad techno, industrial techno and mid-90s vocal hard bag but one of the best records I’ve heard in ages is a post-punk, mutant disco, dub, funk and electro compilation of tracks produced or remixed by Adrian Sherwood – a dub reggae bloke I’d never fucking heard of until Postman Pat squeezed twelve inches of his work though my twelve and a quarter inch letter box.
Sherwood At The Controls Volume 1: 1979 – 1984 is out now. The cheapest I could find it on CD is at base.com for £8.99. I’ve already got it on vinyl now so if you want it on that format, you’ll have to shop around yourself.

By the by, Sherwood At The Controls Volume 1: 1979 – 1984 is not a continuation of the much loved At The Controls series on Resist – the best one being, M.A.N.D.Y. Draper was trying to tell me otherwise, but I’ve double-checked on Discogs and, as usual, Draper is talking out of his fucking hole again.
< > Is there anyone else watching these General Election telly debates sitting on a sofa with a cup of tea in one hand, custard cream in the other, tongue hanging out, eyes all crossed and wondering what the fucking hell they’re all going on about, or is it just me? Honestly, I put the Jeremy Paxman one on the other week and all I could make out was David Cameron and Ed Miliband being nagged by a bored looking, grey haired old cunt who kept going on about one of them not looking hard enough to iron Putin out in his own back garden! Does Jeremy Paxman reckon politicians actually have proper fights or something?

Jezza – I know you read Ran$om Note. The only thing politicians do when they’re together, mate, is sit down in offices and talk about stuff none of us have got a clue about. If you think Ed Miliband – or ANY party leader – is going to storm over to Moscow and smash the fuck out of Putin, you’re a bit fucking simple.

The one where there were about twenty of them standing in front of that short haired trendy glasses bit of fluff that nobody had heard of was even more confusing. Nick Clegg was chatting about policies I didn’t understand, Ed Miliband kept talking at me through the camera – which was creepy, the Scottish woman wouldn’t shut up, David Cameron popped up every now and again, the Welsh one was boring and the New Zealand Green Party bird who looked like she might (MIGHT) have been a bit (BIT) fit about twenty years ago was boring and all. The only one who made any sense, and talked in a language YOU and I can understand (English) was Nigel Farage.

< > Nigel makes things plain and simple: kick all the foreigners out of GREAT Britain, STOP foreign aid to foreign countries, frog-march the medical tourist foreigners with AIDS out of OUR English hospitals and remove ALL of the black from the Union Jack.

I’m not saying I agree with what Nige is saying, but he makes it plain and fucking simple. Know what I mean? So, I’m not racist, but I know who I’ll be voting for on the 7 May, and it won’t be that Scottish bird who can’t seem to keep her FOREIGN nose out of OUR business.
< > I bought a new badge off of the internet the other day. It goes great with my West Brom top, cardinal red braces, stone-wash Firetrap denim jeans, tidy haircut and black Brandit Gladiator vintage 20 eyelet steel toecap boots. It was only fifty pence and I felt dead proud and trendy as I rained down blows on the back of the poor QPR fan’s head as his dad tried to drag him away from the pack. He was only about fourteen, bless him.

Well, these teams will beat my team so you have to take the anger out somehow, don’t you? If I didn’t cave that kid’s skull in with my football mates, I would have taken it out on the missus, or the imaginary Japanese bondage girl I’ve been rattling in my head.

Until the next time, dance fans...

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BONUS MATERIAL: The Anal Sex/Mint Choc Chip Anecdote (2014).

< > I was stood on the platform at Greenford station watching two pigeons kissing on the wall of the bridge whilst Return of the Space Cowboy blared out of my black 8gb iPod Nano in-ear speakers. I could feel people tutting around me but I didn’t give a shit; you don’t turn down a Jamiroquai song when one comes on, especially one of their all-time greats. As I stared down the oncoming central line train chugging along the track, it got me thinking about the time I wore a strawberry flavoured condom on my cock to have sex with a woman who loved strawberries. It was bright red and stunk of strawberries. As soon I’d finished doing my business up her and shot my load inside the bag, I rushed to the bog to take it off and have a piss only to be followed by the woman I’d just impaled. She was licking her lips and salivating. She said, “Tonka, don’t chuck that condom away, mate. You know how much I love strawberries.”

I nonchalantly peeled off the blob and handed it over. She then sunk to her knees on the shit-house floor and proceeded to lick, suck and kiss the sperm-filled condom whilst I had one of those pisses where the jet goes everywhere. Know what I mean, lads? I said, “Babe, this reminds me of the time I smashed your sister’s back doors in wearing a green, apple flavoured condom because she said she loves mint choc chip.” She said, “If she loves mint choc chip, why were you squeezing it in with an apple condom?” I said, laughing out loud, “Babes, she was just recovering from acute fecal incontinence so it was apple when it went in, mint choc chip when it came out, know what I mean?”

We both giggled, went back to bed and fell asleep in one another’s arms.