WRDMiscellaneous 2015

I've not really got anything to say this week, ladies and gentlemen, so I've delved deep into my note book to see what I can scrape together as a post. What you are about to read are fragments of literature, art work and concepts that have been sat in a Confidential state in the WRDM vaults for the last three and a half years. They are under-developed, unloved and ill-thought-out ideas for posts from the distant and recent past. Think of this week's post as like one of those sample packs for a DAW and the following bits as stems for you to use in whatever it is you're working on at the moment.

If you're a writer of a blog, a journalist on a website that hardly anyone reads, a contributor to a site that has a moderately sized readership or someone at Mixmag who wants to add a little zing to your piece, feel free to use/steal anything from the below. None of it is copyrighted and I won't be bothered if you use any of it. Lewis Boardman; if you're about to start a blog, you could do worse than tucking into this post for some ideas, and I honestly won't care if you pass them off as your own. Winking smiley face.


Blowjob face:

Gmail Drafts Folder:

Sex from behind face:

White Apple iPad2 Notes app:

Post-ejaculation face as the fat, ugly bird you just rattled goes to clean herself up and you're a thirty quid taxi drive away from home:

This is just fucking brilliant and it made my day today:

Smug as fuck face as the best looking bird in the club chats you up in front of your mate who thinks he's the good looking one:

A pitch for a new one-off drama for ITV

Smug as fuck face after rattling the best looking bird in the club:


Fuck me. What a load of shit. I'm getting so bored of writing WRDM these days. Maybe I'll bring back MASSIVE QUESTIONS. No. I won't bring that back. I'll probably do a Peer to Peer with someone soon, I don't know. I'll have a look through a copy of DJ Mag and pick out a journalist at random. People like having their ego kissed by the request of an interview.

I keep meaning to begin work on a live show. I didn't capitalise on my successful contribution to the London Electronic Music Event (LEME), Future of Music Journalism thing last year. I was probably a bit too engaging with my fellow panelists, and the audience were VERY fucking enthralled by me, so I think that some of the influential industry regulars who were milling around got jealous, bent the ears of the organisers and asked them not to book me again. They no doubt fed back that I was drunk by mid-morning, hardly said fuck all of note and didn't have an answer to the question: what is the future of music journalism? However false those accusations are, mud sticks.

These cosy dance music conferences are all the fucking same, lads. They're full of people who know what they're talking about, are able to articulate themselves without having to be drunk and already have an audience ready and receptive to what they've been invited to speak on.

I hope to be invited back on the panel circuit this year though, so, if there are any festival/conference organisers reading this, get in touch and don't listen to any of the green-eyed, shit-stirring villains who saw me speak at LEME 2014. Whatever they say is a MASSIVE load of bollocks.

As for the live show, I've mentioned before that I see myself doing something in a nightclub chill-out room between the hours of 12am and 2am (the prime "coming up" time zone), any later than that and it'll be like talking to a fucking brick wall, know what I mean? I could talk for half an hour or so, play some of  my favourite records and engage in a bit of banter with the punters. People will smile, clap and laugh at anything when they're coming up on ecstasy, so it's bound to be a success.

I can either talk seriously, like on here, or I'll write some clubbing stand-up material; jokes about Richie Hawtin's hair, Detroit DJs having to always bang on about coming from Detroit and humorous observations about how long it takes to come up on a UPS pill. I'm that good at writing, I could probably do serious AND funny and package it all together nicely.

If you want to book me in YOUR chill-out room or festival tent, get in touch and we can make history.

Right, I'm off. Tonka's Week is over on Ransom Note every Friday and I'll be back on here next week with a proper post. This week's WRDM is a right fucking state. LOLoutLOUD.

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