Or is it?

I don't know. I've never been there.

I do know that Felix the House Cat has been blowing a gasket about them being racist over the weekend though. He reckons that he got turned away at the door because he's black, not because he was dressed like this:
- Tonka, he probably wasn't dressed like that though, was he, you fucking dickhead?

- I don't know, he might have been. I wasn't there and I don't think that there has been any confirmation, or photographic evidence of what Felix the House Cat was wearing when he was turned away by that Berghain bouncer who thinks he's all that and a bag of strawberry ice cream.

I was telling Surgeon the other week that the only time I've ever been turned away from a nightclub was in the mid-nineties. The gang of bouncers on the door at Miss Moneypenny's told me to fuck off because my shirt hadn't been ironed enough. Enough! From that day on, I've always ironed my shirts PROPERLY before going to the club. Again, I'm not sure if Felix the House Cat arrived in a shirt that he thought had been ironed or not. There is a massive area of grey surrounding this particular incident. I'm asking the main question next though; it's the first sentence of the following paragraph.
Is Berghain racist? I've played hard and fair with this question and thought long into the night, but I've been unable to reach a conclusion by thought alone. So, I'm taking matters into my own hands this coming weekend by travelling to Germany Airport, getting a taxi to Berlin Town Centre, checking into the Bratwurst Hotel, stripping naked and covering myself in black boot polish. I'll then put my clothes back on (I've bought a brand new Keith Haring t-shirt from Uni-Qlo and some slim-fit jeans from H&M) and head down to Berghain.

If that fat, gormless-looking bouncer with the tattoos and the long, grey hair who fancies himself as a celebrity hard man turns me away it'll PROVE that Berghain is as racist as Adolf Hitler, Bernard Manning, CONTENT REMOVED BY WRDM LAWYERS, the nation of CONTENT REMOVED BY WRDM LAWYERS, Charlie Palmer, Colin Cooke, my dad, Kramer out of Seinfeld, Mason, all of C.O.R.P.S., some Chelsea fans, Jade Goody out of Celebrity Big Brother 5, my Nanny Kath and Ron Atkinson combined. And then some.
I'm blacking up and queuing up at Berghain in the name of investigative journalism. If they don't let me in, I'll start a social media campaign to stop and reverse the racism. It'll be called #Berghain: Black Up/Queue Up, and I'll be urging EVERYONE who plans on going to Berghain to black up before they get there. One lone voice (Felix) followed by a second voice (me) is not enough. We'll need some serious numbers and action to get the message over. I'll be lobbying all British DJs who are booked to play at Berghain to black up in the DJ booth too.

At the moment, I've not yet scoped out whether I'll only be asking white DJs to black up or if I should include black DJs too. I'm not sure if it would be racist of me to ask a black DJ to black up or if it would be racist to not include a black DJ in the question at all. When I figure that bit out in my head, I'll be ok.

Moreover, everyone/some people on Twitter went mad about DJ Sneak saying that Berghain is "sin infected with bad shit shit hole". I saw a lot of/some people insinuating that DJ Sneak was, by using those words, insinuating that Berghain is a shit hole full of gay men with AIDS. Twitter does make me chuckle when it gets all uppity. I think that jumping all over the original House Gangster Man was a little unfair and presumptuous. It was also a little wanky, whiny, faux-indignant and whiny and wanky. But, that's Twitter, and I mustn't grumble about it. It just made me laugh how everyone/some people on Twitter got straight on his back and if you're looking like backing him up, you're made to feel like you're endorsing homophobia too - even though Sneak hadn't actually said that Berghain is full of gay men with AIDS.

He might just as well have meant that Berghain is a shit hole that's full of people doing drugs and having sex. Is he religious? I don't know. His job is to play records to people on drugs, so that argument can fuck off.

He may even have been referring to the thing that Shabs off of Channel 4 Drugs Live told me. He said that he heard a rumour from someone his cousin used to know who had been to Berghain once that at nine o'clock on the Sunday morning, the lighting man starts to project images from rotten.com and Steak and Cheese all over the walls to freak out the clubbers on ketamine and UPS ecstasy E tablets. Can you imagine that, having to look at pictures of dead babies and blokes with their faces flapping open after a motorbike crash, and diarrhea scat porn whilst you're buzzing your knackers off? Fucking hell. That's reason alone to call the place sin infected with bad shit shit hole.
I like Felix the House Cat, and if I had a gun to my head and was told to choose between him and Berghain, I'd choose Felix every fucking day of the week. He's a fun character. He mixed one of my favourite compilations, Excursions. He created Kittenz And Thee Glitz and got Miss Kittin involved. He even did the very first Bugged In CD ,which I liked a lot. Berghain sounds like the kind of place I know for a fact that I'd love if I got in, but am, at the moment, happy to slag off so that I've got something to write about and fill space on my blog. Know what I mean?

I'll let you know how it goes with the Berghain bouncer next Tuesday.

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With thanks to JD for this.