WRDM35


"There. Blocked. I'll make sure that fucker never works in dance music again", is what I imagine Seb Wheeler - his face as gasping and red as the crevice of a baboon's arsehole - harrumphed at his desk as his sidekick; basketball-vest-cap-on-backwards and bedecked in sweat, paced slowly up and down behind him. Mouth-breathing and nodding, smartphone in hand and ready to deliver another lazy aside in my direction, Chubby Funster giggles and seeks authorisation.

- Are you ok, Seb? Shall I send him another meme?

- … … …

- Seb? Mate?

- … … …

- I’ll tell him that no one reads WRDM again if you want?

- … … …

- I’ve actually met Tonka, Seb. He’s alright in real life. Bit more handsome than you’d expect, but he’s humble with it. He’s actually alright actually.

- … … …

- Seb?

- … … …

- I’ve got a new Gesaffelstein song we can listen to, Seb.

- … … …


- Seb?

- … … …

…is what I then imagine happened at Seb’s desk in the immediate aftermath of one of the bloodiest Twitter spats ever witnessed (by people on Twitter).


Last week, I was blocked on Twitter by Mixmag’s Head of Bass for daring to question the weight of a Mixmag article and then eloquently defending myself against a barrage of unrelated criticism from their office. The article was a 188 word piece of puffery about how Hardwell has called Seth Troxler’s comments (which he made in the month of MAY) about Avicii “bullshit”, an article which in itself was a glorified rework of an inthemix article that was no more than a glorified advert for Hardwell’s new album and potential new tour. I fucking despair, I do.

I responded to the @Mixmag Tweet in an aggressive, CAPITAL LETTER-STYLE manner...


...a manner in which I unreservedly apologise for now, whilst not apologising in any way whatsoever for the content of my Tweet. I stand by the fact that this is not news. One DJ disagreeing with another is not news and I’m sick of seeing my Facebook and Twitter feeds filled up with wank from MASSIVE organs like Mixmag. Shouldn't a cash rich and established magazine like Mixmag have the best writers writing for it? Shouldn’t they publish the best articles? Am I na├»ve in thinking they shouldn't have to tout shit like this or is it all about selling ads and building stats nowadays? I don't read things like this on Resident Advisor. I don't see Attack Magazine peddling gossip. Teshno is full of articles and reviews of things and people I've never fucking heard of but I enjoy reading it because I can tell that the person writing has a passion for what he's writing about, and a heart. I can't say what the Ransom Note is like because the only thing I read on there is the excellent Tonka's Week every Friday, but I'm sure it's a good website.

All of those websites, and many more I haven't mentioned, are worth ten of Mixmag in a creative, literary and culturally significant sense but you'll only get to know them if you seek them out and ask the right people. If you have even a passing interest in dance music, Mixmag are in your face like a cock in a blowjob scene and YOU are the ones getting cum in your eyes every time you log on to your Facebook or Twitter feed.


'it'll get more traffic in a day than your blog gets in a year'

I don't know if Chubby Funster represents the soul of Mixmag these days when he defended the Hardwell article by saying it'll get as many views in a day as WRDM gets in a year. It's a bit of a rubbish come-back however way you look at it. No thanks to YOU, my viewing figures are fucking atrocious and Mixmag could Tweet an article about a piece of rained on cardboard that would still get more clicks than an entertaining and unique WRDM interview with Soul ClapPerc or Tim Sheridan (amongst many others), but at least it's ALWAYS original content on WRDM. Every post on here is made with love. I write not with a PR company or influential artist in mind, I write with YOU in mind: the loyal readership of WRDM, the ever-expanding family, the men and women who carry on through endless Hilarious Lookalikes, MASSIVE QUESTIONS and occasional reviews. The men and women, young and old, who laugh, cry and spunk with me every Friday on the Ransom Note, I write these words for you. Because we are friends, you will never be alone again so come on and cast aside your blinkers and see Mixmag, Pulse and the rest of these online click-bait fishermen for what they really are. If you can carry me to greatness you will therefore carry yourselves, and there will never be an opportunity as open as this to brush aside the tired old something something of the tired old something or other.

Or you can carry on reading gossip and participating in the biggest online masturbation party in the world...ever. I'm preaching to the converted in here so as soon as you read this week's WRDM, please share it. Please Tweet it. Please spread it all over your Facebook like lemon curd on toast. Please email people with the link saying, 'Have you read this?!' Please talk to your missus about it after a red hot love-making session like what Ethyl does.


I've had a number of prominent DJs/producers email and Twitter DM me in confidence after last week to say that they agree with me 100% but would rather not get involved publicly because of how influential Mixmag are.

Thank fuck I don’t rely on traffic or ads to make a living. Thank fuck I make more money in three months than an online electro/bass editor makes in a year. Thank fuck I don't have to care about the influence of Mixmag to stop me from piping up online about how shit SOME of their output is. Thank fuck that I’m Tonka. Thank fuck that I can write freely and am not obliged to copy and paste and share all of the PR shit that gets emailed to me every fucking day. Thank fuck that I can use discretion. Thank fuck that my job is not to hype hype hype the fuck out of whoever my boss has told me to hype hype hype. So, fuck Seb Wheeler. Fuck Chubby Funster. Fuck all the PR people who send me impersonal, badly written emails with spelling mistakes all over the shop and fuck Mixmag. Fuck anyone who hasn't got the confidence to say what they want to say about dance music because it might compromise a future job. Fuck you, learn some balls and then be nice about it.

If it's your job, and you work at one of these big magazines for a living, please try and bring up the quality of writing and shape an agenda not based on gossip and tabloid-style bite-sized snippets of what dance music is really about. Follow the lead of people who write and run websites and blogs for the love of it. Subvert the PR that you receive and create something new, something worth reading and stop selling the whole world dud pills when we could be licking pure mandy from the palm of your hand. Know what I mean?


I'm not an angry militant blogger. I'm not a keyboard warrior. I'm the nicest man in dance and I'm all about spreading the truth from behind the safe disguise of a shepherd JPEG, millions of words and an online personality Chubby Funster at Mixmag may describe as military-like and warrior-ish. I wouldn't describe it like that though and neither would you. Would you?

Poor old Chubby Funster, after I gave them both a good hiding on Twitter and Seb Wheeler blocked me, Chubby Funster stuck around for a bit and he now reminds me of the Bee Gee who didn't storm off of Clive Anderson's talk show. However, that is now by the by and, funnily enough, I now bear him no grudge. He know's I'm alright. He knows deep down that I'm right.



In summary then, Mixmag's article about Hardwell was lame, Chubby Funster's put downs of me on Twitter last week were lame and Seb Wheeler blocking me on Twitter for giving some back was lame. No offence.

I'll be back next Tuesday with loads more news, reviews and interviews. MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage is coming up and I also have a WRDM Special Report I'm writing with one of my industry moles about labels and producers buying up spots on the Beatport and Juno charts in order to gain gigs and more exposure in prominent on and offline publications. I really do fucking despair at it all.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
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Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

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Oh, before I forget. I really, really, really have to say this. One of the queens of pop, Kylie, is set to play three nights at The O2 on 29 and 30 September and 1 October as part of her Kiss Me Once tour.

As well as performing material from her new album she will also showcase a host of her classic hits. The new album, which is her first studio offering in four years, sees her team up with a host of hot artists including Pharrell Williams and HAIM.