Hilarious Lookalikes LOL ;-)

If you think that I'm doing another round of Hilarious Lookalikes because I'm out of things to write about, can't be bothered to review anything or am still waiting for Anne Savage to respond to my MASSIVE QUESTIONS, you're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak. I'm doing another round of Hilarious Lookalikes because I genuinely think that lookalikes are hilarious, especially dance music related lookalikes! Fucking hell, have you ever noticed how the following people LOOK like other people?! LOLoutLOUD.

Carry on through this post but please don't send me the hospital bill after your sides have split open and your eyes have fallen out of their sockets through laughing, smiling and laughing so hard (and much).

Green Velvet AND Cajmere have been persuaded to DJ back-to-back at Random Magic on Saturday night because of an unprecedented level of chutzpah, ambition and thinking-outside-the-boxism by the promoters, who are very dear friends of mine. When you're there, wander around the dance floor and ask the boz boz for some yellow bentines, triple sods and clarky cats. No, scratch that, you might end up quadraspaz on a life glug! Know what I mean? I mean that Green Velvet, Cajmere and Chris Morris all look like one another and you might confuse the three of them! Green Velvet fans won't know what a quack candle is and might punch your lights in! PMSL

GO TO RANDOM MAGIC ON SATURDAY NIGHT: rsn-tickets/random-magic

Heidi Fleiss and Oona Chaplin have famously never been photographed together. Coincidence? Or is it because they're the same person living alternate realities due to a mystic breakdown of their individual existences in parallel dimensions on Earth? You tell me. All I know is that they don't half look like one another! ROFLOFL

Tepid Since Forever? I didn't say that. Winking smiley face. I really didn't though, it was Mike. Or Wil. Somebody that wasn't me said Tepid Since Forever. Maybe it was Micky John. I can't remember but it definitely wasn't me. However, whoever it was won't be calling Hot Since 82 Tepid Since Forever after they see that he looks a bit like the A-list, super cool actor, Tim Roth off of the Quentin Tarantino films. Will they? Eh? He does a bit. LOLoutLOUD

Everyone always bangs on about how great DJ Sprinkles is. They'll be banging on even more when they read the Weekly Review of Dance Music and learn that he looks exactly like Dr Melfi off of The Sopranos! DJ Sprinkles plays at my very dear friend's party in June, Thunder. ROFL

DJ SPRINKLES AT THUNDER. LOOK: residentadvisor.net/event

Imagine if Bros had ever done party drugs and started to make rave music and videos with foul-mouthed Scottish magicians instead of their incredibly popular and lucrative pop music before opening up the best nightclub in London for about a decade, closing it down in its prime and relocating to America for a bit whilst maintaining a high creative output and a gruelling international DJ schedule? They'd be Mr C who, incidentally, they look like! SMSLOLOLOL

That'll do for now. I was going to Google the words 'techno DJ' and see what else I could come up with but I'm tired of the idea...for now. Come back in a few months for more Hilarious Lookalikes. LOL.

Next Tuesday is MASSIVE QUESTIONS day with Anne Savage. Definitely.

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WRDMonthly Review of Dance Music

Fuck me, I've only been banging on about doing a podcast for about a billion years! This is it. Last Thursday night I felt like Eminem on his way to that rap battle in his film, The Eighth Mile, all nervous and pumped up, drinking about six cans of Red Stripe before even stepping foot into the microphone.

Not really. It's called 8 Mile.

Get your bonce around this and share it around the internet. The next one will be in May 2014.

MRDM is a collaboration between WRDM, Ransom Note, Butchers Row Studios and YOU, the loyal listeners.

Extra special thanks to Leaf, Wil, Mike Boorman, Ania, Manu and Shabs off of Channel 4 Drugs Live.


WRDMusic Conferences

Can you imagine going to two dance music conferences in one weekend? Eh? Can you? ONLY in London and Brighton can you go to two dance music conferences in one weekend and that's exactly what I'll be doing this weekend when the weekend comes and I go to the Brighton Music Conference and the London Electronic Music Event over the course of just one weekend to cover both events for the Weekly Review of Dance Music and Ransom Note, who are on a different channel.

I've not been this excited since the time my lady doctor diagnosed me as being addicted to not having blow jobs and prescribed a course of three blow jobs per day for six months, with weekly check-ups at her surgery for blow jobs off of her red hot German teenage lesbian bisexual junior doctor. The BMC and the LEME are going to be fucking brilliant.

I'm looking forward to meeting up with the great and the good of UK and abroad dance music. I'll be attending as many workshops and PowerPoint presentations as I can. I'll be mingling with the top brass from record labels and networking like I've never networked before.

- Why Tonka?

- Because I'm a brown-nosing cunt who thinks that it might be financially beneficial to me in the long run Because I love dance music and it's my duty to be there, to represent the blogging community and to file a responsible and objective report on the two conferences.

Everyone bangs on about Miami, Amsterdam and Miami but, for my money, Brighton is where it's at. Stony beaches, wind and rain, a colourful social life for gentlemen who like gentlemen and women who like women and a pier that has a few amusement arcades on it all welcome you in like the first smack of smack after you've injected a little bit of smack into your knackers. I love Brighton, I've been there twice in the last thirty three years and I can't wait to get back there this weekend for the BMC.

I have a busy schedule lined up. I'm not allowed to say who I have confirmed for an interview at 1pm on the Saturday for legal reasons and I'm not going to give you any clues.

I will just say that I'm very much looking forward to asking some MASSIVE QUESTIONS and leave it at that.

I'm also looking forward to the following:

11:45 - 12:15
Exhibition Floor
Occupational Health and Safety in the Music Industry

Clubbers, DJs and people in the entertainment industry don't think enough about health and safety. At WRDMHQ we have a H&S representative and three fire wardens for each department. Can you imagine if an employee or punter died at YOUR club and the blame game was played? Imagine losing the blame game and having the local authorities closing down YOUR club. If you don't adhere to basic H&S in the workplace then you're liable for all sorts of action further down the line and the action I'm talking about won't just be terminal for the poor fucker who died bending over to pick up his dropped pill instead of bending his/her legs. I'm talking about potential fines and licencing sanctions. Think about it and get yourself down to Brighton for this eye-opening talk by Jonathan Heale from Advanced Communication Solutions Ltd.

Not sure what time
Not sure which café
Resident Advisor's Ryan Keeling interviewing Eats Everything in a café (!)

RA man, Ryan, having a chat with Eats Everything over a cup of tea and a slice of cake. I hope Ryan doesn't turn his back because Eats Everything will no doubt eat everything off of Ryan's plate! LOLoutLOUD.

15:05 - 15:50
The Founders Room
History of Electronic Music

Not that I need telling, but I'll be going along to this to support friend of WRDM, Bill Brewster and potential friends of WRDM, Dave Haslam, DJ Pierre, Dave Pearce and Tony Andrews from Function One. I'll be the one in the audience nodding and pre-empting everything everyone on the panel has to say.

16:45 - 17:15
The Founders Room
The Journey to the Top for a Female DJ

I'll be quite pissed by this stage of the day so I won't be moving far from The Founders Room. Luckily for me, I'll be nice and settled for the final masterclass of the day. And what a masterclass, eh lads?! I'll be sat there, all boozed up watching Anne Savage, Lisa Lashes and Miss Monument talking about how they made it to the top and stayed there (at the top). If I'm feeling boorish, I might shout out the occasional sexist comment and look around for encouragement from other men. That's a big 'if' though. I'm more likely to be making notes on my notepad for the BMC review I'll be writing as soon as the conference finishes.

Get yourself to the inaugural Brighton Music Conference (11 - 12 April) and be a part of an event that is a long time coming to the UK.

BUY TICKETS: brighton-music-conference-tickets

Over-lapping the Brighton Music Conference is the the London Electronic Music Event, in London. I don't know too much about LEME, as I affectionately call it, because I've only recently started to get interested in these kinds of things. However, what I do know is that you cannot argue with a line-up containing Karenn, Hypercolour, Ableton, Theo Parrish, Legowelt and Tonka. Those kinds of names echo down the ages and fill you with enough confidence to buy a ticket for the event.

LEME takes part over the coming weekend in Bethnal Green at Rich Mix. It's a lively venue and perfect for a couple of days of artist keynote speeches and performances, industry panels, production workshops and networking sessions. I'm very proud to have been asked to sit in on a panel discussing the future of music journalism on the Sunday morning. Whether I'm in any fit state to open my mouth after BMC remains to be seen, so see it for yourself buy purchasing tickets.

I'll be trying to keep my head above water and pretend that I know what I'm talking about with Dan Beaumont, Terry Farley, a journalist from The Times, a PR lady and a bloke called Miles who puts on parties with people like Keith WorthyDJ Sprinkles and Marcellus Pittman. I'm absolutely fucking shitting myself.

BUY TICKETS: samplemagic.com/leme-full-weekend-pass

I'm bored of writing now and I have to go and have my third blow job of the day. I'll be back next week with MASSIVE QUESTIONS with the person I interviewed at BMC and much, much more.

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For men and women of a certain age (33 1/2) who grew up in the midlands and went to the same nightclubs as me, and were into the same DJs as me, and were into hard house like what I was, Ian M is a name that will send shivers down and up their spines.

Ian M is one of my all time favourite DJs and producers. He, along with Tony De Vit, Dave Randall and Untidy Dubs were music makers you could rely on to churn out hard house of a quality that was sometimes rare in the late nineties/early noughties. After Tony died, Ingo Starr, Fergie and Eddie Halliwell fucking ruined hard house and I don't mind saying that out loud behind a blog that I don't put my real name to.

- How did they ruin hard house, Tonka?

- They just did.

Ian M plays rock hard but with a panache and sensitivity that makes you forget that what you're listening to is about 145 bpm. I remember seeing him at the Mezzanine in Wolverhampton for a Tidy Trax party and he played a track that sounded like a rubber band being flicked over a 909 kick, but the rubber band sample had been pitched down so low that it sounded like the colour black, if that makes sense? Just a 909 kick and a pitched down rubber band sound for about nine minutes. It was fucking brilliant.

I met Ian M for dinner at the Osteria del Portico in Ealing. I paid for a delicious three course meal and drinks on the WRDM company card and we conducted the entire interview in Italian, for a laugh.

Here is the translated transcript of everything we said to one another:


Q) For anybody unfamiliar with the name Ian M could you tell us who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A) For any 'absolute virgins' of the hard house/dance scene, I have been a full time DJ for more than five mins (joke!). I was one of the main residents at Trade at Turnmills (considered in its day to be an industry standard) for about 8 years before I left around 2001. I followed on from Tony de Vit’s 8am til 10am set at Trade every week which, when I reflect back upon, think to myself that it was a bloody good experience.

I have also been involved with and released original tracks and remixes (e.g. The Dreamer and Annihilation) for various labels like Tidy Trax, Tripoli Trax, Mohawk & others (go to discogs.com/Ian-M for more details).

Finally, with the question, “Why do I do it?” my answer is simple, it must be my love of good music.

Q) Was establishing yourself in the music industry a MASSIVE uphill struggle or something that you were all cocky about because you knew you had the talent for it?
A) I have never thought myself to be cocky or even thought of myself as God’s gift. I would say it was not easy getting to where I am nowadays. I have had loads of peaks and dips throughout my career but you learn from the experiences. It has always been a struggle being a DJ and more so today, because everybody wants to be a DJ. Even now, I am always learning to be better.

However, as I have said before you put it all down to good experience, as some people will say it is like doing your apprenticeship.

Q) How did you come up with the moniker, Ian M? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with DJ, like a proper DJ (DJ Ian M) or suffixing DJ with something more exciting like ‘Brick Knocka’ (DJ Brick Knocka) or ‘Mix Masta Masha’ (DJ Mix Masta Masha)?
A) It was actually Alex Laird (Manager of ex-Subway City) who came up with the idea for a Thursday night event called Rim held at Bakers, but he spelt it as Ean M at first. After slagging him off for the mis-spelling, we agreed on the Ian M moniker in the end because we thought it was better than people having to say my full name. So today, I just call myself Ian M but some promoters put my name out as DJ Ian M, most do not.

At end of the day, what difference does it make? If I am booked to play at a club, then it is pretty obvious. And I wouldn’t really say calling yourself “Brick Knocka” or “Mix Masta Masha” as exciting. Nowadays names like that make yer sound like a prat as far as I’m concerned.

Q) One bar snare fill or a high pitched vocal “come on!”?
A) Both please with a side dish of cheesy fries & a dildo smile.

Q) As a successful DJ, are you able to go clubbing and relax or are you constantly comparing yourself to who’s playing?
A) It’s very rare I would go to a club when I’m not working but whenever I have popped into a club, I get the odd funny look and people shake my hand & generally say hello and sometimes we’ll end up in conversation. Moreover, I never compare myself to anyone else because every DJ is different in his or her own special way.

Q) One of the saddest days of my life was when Pulse (Birmingham) got closed down. I thought that it was the spiritual home of Sundissential and my hard house days started to wind down shortly after. What are your memories of the late 90s hard house heyday?
A) Funnily enough, I remember that place as The Powerhouse (with DJ Funky Dunk) before it was called Pulse. I do remember the Tony de Vit Memorial Night with Boy George and Judge Jules playing. However, when it comes to memories from those times, they are few and far between, it was a very mental time to be a DJ. Sometimes we had around four or five gigs in ONE NIGHT, we were rushing around the country like headless chickens. Actually, friends remind me of some of the funny times we used to have at the old gigs around the country.

Q) Do you have any good Madders anecdotes?
A) When it came to Madders, you were worried in case he never coughed up the DJ fees. Afraid he owed me a few pennies in those days; of course, you have to write it off now. But I like to joke about it.........NOT!! I remember he used to come up to the DJ box either in Brum or in Leeds and shout to me “COME ON!! BANG IT OUT WILL YER!!” because I use to hold back playing the harder tunes.

Q) Where is Madders now?
A) Why? Does he owe you money as well? He, he!

Q) Some people are quick to slag off hard house and dismiss it as fairground music. Am I right in saying that in a game of Top Trumps, Tidy Trax and Tripoli Trax of the 90s/very early noughties would fucking hammer a team of Ed Banger and Kitsuné?
A) Fairground music? You must be joking! Have you heard Hardcore or Hard Style these days? As per any music genre, there are sub-levels to it as well. Therefore, with Hard House, of course, you can have some fluffy flavours but it can also have some 'fucked-up' hard flavours. Some tunes would give some Lenny Dee tunes a run for its money.

I think people are mixed up with all the different genres these days. I know I do. So nowadays, I tend to call em all “Council House”. In addition, get this interesting fact, in America Todd Terry is considered to be Hard House. Work that out eh? And these are the people who call “EDM” dance music these days. I shall say no more?

Q) Kathy Burke. Would ya?
A) Would you?

Q) Was there a Tidy Trax and Tripoli Trax beef or did they get along well?
A) Many moons ago, they got on like a house on fire but bugger knows these days? I would say they STILL love each other. Amo loves everybody!! Anyway, does it matter? Don’t think I’ll lose any sleep over it.

Q) Curate your fantasy club night. What’s it called? What’s the line-up (dead or alive)? Where’s the venue? Is there a dress code?
A) I would probably call the night either 'Cum & Get It' or 'Up Yours'. The line up would be DJs who are really, really passionate about the music they play and it will be properly programmed. I know who I’d personally ask to play but I’d like to keep it a secret.

The venue would be a “Turnmills” style club with the most unreal Digital 3D/Surround Professional Sound System. In addition, of course, I wouldn’t have a dress code. People can come as they want, dress as they want BUT leave all the attitude outside the door also come with a musical open mind because the night wont be sticking to one music dance genre.

Q) What advice would you give to me any young readers of this blog who want to make a name for themselves in the music industry?
A) DON’T!!! Unless you are willing to sell yer soul to the devil. I tell the young un’s keep yer full time job and look at dj’ing as a part time hobby cos I’m afraid there isn’t any money in the music industry, that’s unless yer Simon Cowell obviously.

The government is going out of its way to close club land down, you only have to look at all the clubs that have closed in London recently. Don’t forget to thank Mayor Boris for making it difficult to license venues as well. The Ministry of Sound club recently nearly copped it but they managed to fight back and keep themselves open but what have they done, put bloody flats next door or close by. They have done the same around the country in all the cities. It is outrageous really! Eventually, the people will bite back but it maybe too late at this rate.

Q) Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A) I have done one of these descriptions only once and vowed, I would not do it again. Guess which one.

Q) What are your plans for 2014?
A) With the new label, running that will keep me busy in one form or another. We’ve got some wicked stuff due for future release, from the likes of Steve Thomas, Andy Farley, Little Jon, Knuckleheadz, 12” Thumpers, Kris O’Rourke (originally from Derby but now lives in Brisbane) and some new local Midlands artists like Kieran Browne and Dark Element...and of course, me!!!

I shall be embarking upon my second PURE IAN M 6 hour set in October. The first one was such a success, the MORE ON THE DOOR boys decided on the night to hold another one in 2014. It was fun because it gave me chance to play different types of music and styles. I think it surprised many people and was talked about for weeks. In addition, it gives me a chance to highlight new talent to the London crowds like Tim Clewz & Kirsty Lee James.

Finally, I’d really like to earn enough to survive and pay the bills. Times are tight out there people.


What a lovely man! Nobody has ever said to me that I sometimes use the Weekly Review of Dance Music for selfish and nostalgic purposes, and to form balsa wood contacts with DJs, producers and people on the scene I would never had got access to ten years ago, but I regularly imagine that that's what people think. Let this weeks MASSIVE QUESTIONS be a MASSIVE message to anyone who thinks that I live in the past from time to time.

Ian M is a hero of mine and, as I said before, a lovely young man, so do me and him a favour by getting right behind him from this day forth. All of the YouTube clips I've included in this post prove beyond doubt that hard house, when done properly, and with the right amount of subtlety, can be just as fucking good as your technos and your minimal technos.

The official Ian M Soundcloud page, not one of the many hundreds of bootleg pages: soundcloud.com/dj-ian-m

The official Ian M Mixcloud page, not one of the etc, etc: mixcloud.com/DJIanM

Carboned label Soundcloud page: soundcloud.com/carboned-recordings

I'll be back next week with a very special post about something I've not yet thought through and Tonka's Week on Ransom Note will be on Friday, as agreed.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
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These tracks also prove that hard house can be good:


UPDATE:  This is a live Ian M mix, rather than Tony De Vit, as stated. Whoever uploaded it has made a MASSIVE mistake. Ian assures me that he has the master tape for that particular mix and I have no reason whatsoever to disbelieve him.