Müller, if you're reading this, I fucking love Müller Corner Milk Chocolate Digestive yoghurt pots. Send some to WRDMHQ and I'll start plugging them properly. Also, I'm a big fan of £30.00 Asda shopping vouchers so, Total Media, please pick up the phone to Tonka again. Stella, your beers are fucking brilliant and I'm more than happy to tell the units of people who read the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music how tasty it is once you've got past the first few mouth fulls. Email me now.


I love free things, and you'd think that I'd be bombarded with tech gear and booze all day but all I'm getting at the moment is digital CDs in my electronic letter box. Most of them are fucking brilliant so I review them on here and give them no less than a 7/10 score. However, I also get sent the worst bits of music you'll ever have to listen to in your life and I've had enough. So, I'm going to be fucking cruel now and review the shittest tracks that have been sent my way over the last seven days in good faith by desperately under-paid PR people. I know I'm the Nicest Man in Dance but now's the time to get tough and wipe my arse with some MP3 flavoured bog roll...after I've splattered some diarrhoea on the following records:

This new release on Lyrical Flava Records in Cork starts off good. I like the high-pitched 1/2 bar vocal loop of "Who's the Boss Bomber? Who's the Boss Bomber?" and the rolling 19 bar snare roll at the start, but as soon as the beat drops on the 20 the song, excuse the pun, loses its flava. For some reason, DJ Pete McClennan didn't use any side-chain compression between the kick-drum and bass line and it fucking shows. I listened to this on my headphones on the way to the Codfather in Northolt's Oldfield Circus and wondered if the old bloke who sits at the back of the hardware shop could hear it too. The mix was just that little bit too up if you know what I mean? A vile record.

DJ Pete McClennan
Boss Bomber (Dubs Edit) - 2/10

Apparently, this was recorded in a Finchley Park single bedroom by an IT support analyst, a clerical officer for the Methodist Church and a bloke who works for an international tax research and analysis company. I would have guessed all that after hearing the first thirty seconds of this foul excuse for a techno tool. The email says that this young group of naive romanticists eschewed modern technology to record this creepy celebration of the death of their parents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunties, grandparents and cousins and produced this entire 9 minute splinter of drift wood on Magix Music Maker 2007 and an old microphone.

My Family Is Dead by r.E.k is a disgraceful song that somehow includes the very first instance of an Anglo-Germanic vocal on a dance track, "My family...is dead. Ich bin. Ich bin."

My Family Is Dead (Netwerk Rewerk)

Gesaffelstein is probably good but there's a bloke on Twitter who works for Mixmag who doesn't shut the fuck up about how good he is. Every other Tweet. Every other fucking Tweet. Actually, I saw Gesaffelstein play a D.A.F. bassline on the telly a few years ago and that impressed me. He's probably alright but I'm getting right put off even listening to any of his stuff because of that bloke on Twitter.

Anything by Gesaffelstein - 1/10


DJ Slag Hammer used to be managed by the legendary old dance agent, Dante Pascal, and this is a re-issue on the hard house label, Mad Hot Spices, with a new mix. The original, on Clubbin' UK International Music Booking Agents and Promotions Limited, was up there with the very best in eastern European minimal dub in the mid-noughties. This Club Rocker Mix is atrocious. Club Rocker has replaced all of the 909 kicks with a 606. He's upped the bpm by 5bpm, replaced the original sparse Motor City bass line with some Warrington bounce and stuck a clip of a plane landing on every ninth beat to make it sound like it's being played at Space on a Sunday morning.

DJ Slag Hammer needs to stand up for himself and remix this mix to make it sound more like the original.

DJ Slag Hammer
Da Ibiza Beat is Back 2 Stay (Club Rocker Mix) - 3/10

I'm getting bored with all of this negativity and I can feel my brain getting clinically depressed again. So, let's end this week's Weekly Review of Dance Music on a high. M.Ono's Lumberjacks from Hell EP on Tenth Circle (sub-label of Defected Records) is the only saving grace this week. This is the one track I'm NOT doing a toilet on. It's BANG on happy music that is at the same time house and chill, but should I expect anything less from Defected Records? They should be patting themselves on the back for their relentless pursuit of this kind of music and distributing it.

This is easily the breeziest, summeriest and cooliest set of songs I've heard in ages. Mind Tricks sounds like Needin' U, crossed with something Tensnake might play at around 11pm, crossed with a vocal sample from one of the tracks on Elements - The 1st Testament mixed by Tony De Vit. The other two tracks are just as good and, I think I'm right in saying this, all three tracks demonstrate M.Ono's unique production aesthetic and are essential cuts for deeper dancefloors. This EP will be available to buy down HMV on Monday 10 March 2014 so start queuing up on Sunday morning to avoid ANY disappointment.

Lumberjacks From Hell - 9/10

Thank fuck for M.Ono and probably Gesaffelstein, eh?

I'll be back really soon with this:


R$N presents WRDMFM


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