Müller, if you're reading this, I fucking love Müller Corner Milk Chocolate Digestive yoghurt pots. Send some to WRDMHQ and I'll start plugging them properly. Also, I'm a big fan of £30.00 Asda shopping vouchers so, Total Media, please pick up the phone to Tonka again. Stella, your beers are fucking brilliant and I'm more than happy to tell the units of people who read the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music how tasty it is once you've got past the first few mouth fulls. Email me now.


I love free things, and you'd think that I'd be bombarded with tech gear and booze all day but all I'm getting at the moment is digital CDs in my electronic letter box. Most of them are fucking brilliant so I review them on here and give them no less than a 7/10 score. However, I also get sent the worst bits of music you'll ever have to listen to in your life and I've had enough. So, I'm going to be fucking cruel now and review the shittest tracks that have been sent my way over the last seven days in good faith by desperately under-paid PR people. I know I'm the Nicest Man in Dance but now's the time to get tough and wipe my arse with some MP3 flavoured bog roll...after I've splattered some diarrhoea on the following records:

This new release on Lyrical Flava Records in Cork starts off good. I like the high-pitched 1/2 bar vocal loop of "Who's the Boss Bomber? Who's the Boss Bomber?" and the rolling 19 bar snare roll at the start, but as soon as the beat drops on the 20 the song, excuse the pun, loses its flava. For some reason, DJ Pete McClennan didn't use any side-chain compression between the kick-drum and bass line and it fucking shows. I listened to this on my headphones on the way to the Codfather in Northolt's Oldfield Circus and wondered if the old bloke who sits at the back of the hardware shop could hear it too. The mix was just that little bit too up if you know what I mean? A vile record.

DJ Pete McClennan
Boss Bomber (Dubs Edit) - 2/10

Apparently, this was recorded in a Finchley Park single bedroom by an IT support analyst, a clerical officer for the Methodist Church and a bloke who works for an international tax research and analysis company. I would have guessed all that after hearing the first thirty seconds of this foul excuse for a techno tool. The email says that this young group of naive romanticists eschewed modern technology to record this creepy celebration of the death of their parents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunties, grandparents and cousins and produced this entire 9 minute splinter of drift wood on Magix Music Maker 2007 and an old microphone.

My Family Is Dead by r.E.k is a disgraceful song that somehow includes the very first instance of an Anglo-Germanic vocal on a dance track, "My family...is dead. Ich bin. Ich bin."

My Family Is Dead (Netwerk Rewerk)

Gesaffelstein is probably good but there's a bloke on Twitter who works for Mixmag who doesn't shut the fuck up about how good he is. Every other Tweet. Every other fucking Tweet. Actually, I saw Gesaffelstein play a D.A.F. bassline on the telly a few years ago and that impressed me. He's probably alright but I'm getting right put off even listening to any of his stuff because of that bloke on Twitter.

Anything by Gesaffelstein - 1/10


DJ Slag Hammer used to be managed by the legendary old dance agent, Dante Pascal, and this is a re-issue on the hard house label, Mad Hot Spices, with a new mix. The original, on Clubbin' UK International Music Booking Agents and Promotions Limited, was up there with the very best in eastern European minimal dub in the mid-noughties. This Club Rocker Mix is atrocious. Club Rocker has replaced all of the 909 kicks with a 606. He's upped the bpm by 5bpm, replaced the original sparse Motor City bass line with some Warrington bounce and stuck a clip of a plane landing on every ninth beat to make it sound like it's being played at Space on a Sunday morning.

DJ Slag Hammer needs to stand up for himself and remix this mix to make it sound more like the original.

DJ Slag Hammer
Da Ibiza Beat is Back 2 Stay (Club Rocker Mix) - 3/10

I'm getting bored with all of this negativity and I can feel my brain getting clinically depressed again. So, let's end this week's Weekly Review of Dance Music on a high. M.Ono's Lumberjacks from Hell EP on Tenth Circle (sub-label of Defected Records) is the only saving grace this week. This is the one track I'm NOT doing a toilet on. It's BANG on happy music that is at the same time house and chill, but should I expect anything less from Defected Records? They should be patting themselves on the back for their relentless pursuit of this kind of music and distributing it.

This is easily the breeziest, summeriest and cooliest set of songs I've heard in ages. Mind Tricks sounds like Needin' U, crossed with something Tensnake might play at around 11pm, crossed with a vocal sample from one of the tracks on Elements - The 1st Testament mixed by Tony De Vit. The other two tracks are just as good and, I think I'm right in saying this, all three tracks demonstrate M.Ono's unique production aesthetic and are essential cuts for deeper dancefloors. This EP will be available to buy down HMV on Monday 10 March 2014 so start queuing up on Sunday morning to avoid ANY disappointment.

Lumberjacks From Hell - 9/10

Thank fuck for M.Ono and probably Gesaffelstein, eh?

I'll be back really soon with this:


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Reviews are great for telling people what to think. However, I receive so many LPs, singles, download only zip-filed promos and tapes from underground producers that it's hard for me to get my mind clear on what this website is actually for sometimes so I just lob a load of hilarious lookalikes together, or interview an international superstar DJ to fill the gaps when I'm supposed to be reviewing some dance music. The Weekly Review of Dance Music is a way for me to review dance music on a weekly basis; first Tuesday of the week, every fucking Tuesday but I'm always trotting away from that direction.

So, recently I took a walk down to my local record shop: Phonica Records, 51 Poland Street, London, W1F 7LZ (Follow them: @phonicarecords), stared down the bloke in there who looks like MCA out of the Beastie Boys, banged my fists on the nearest Technics SL1200 turntable and said this:

- Give me some of the best music you've got in stock, NOW.

- Yes, sir.

(brief pause as he went out to the Phonica store cupboard)

- Here you are, sir. The Power & The Glory by Perc, Eskimo Recordings presents The Blue Collection, Fraiche by Lonely C and Baby Prince, 3 Feet High and Rising by De La Soul and the new Tripoli Trax wax, Paddy Whack by Gordon John. That'll be twenty nine ninety nine, please.

- My name's Tonka.

- Sincere apologies. Very well, sir. Good day to you.

After getting back to WRDMHQ from Phonica, I slipped the first big, black plastic circle out of its cardboard square sleeping bag and put on ten tracks of horror house, reptilian drone-core, ambient, shoulder-pad techno and ear-piece industrial shudderings that left me cold, in a good way. The album cover itself is a charcoal drawing of Frank from Hellraiser after being caught by an uppercut from an unseen Cenobite, so you can't say you're not warned that this is a scary dance music record by a DJ/producer who is, at this moment, at his very scariest.

I've listened to The Power & The Glory about four times now and I hear different things with each listen. For example, I listened to track 2, Speek, twice sober, once on Ketamine and once when I was hammered and each time I was living with completely gummy thought-patterns throughout; who the fucking hell was I? Had I left a telly on in a distant room. Is Frank in the loft? Is The Power & The Glory actually the Lament Configuration Box from Hellraiser? Is Frank in the fucking loft? What am I listening to and why are my legs having it? Am I listening to this here, or there? Frank can have me, I'm beyond myself.

As brilliant as it is, if you can listen to Perc's new album with the lights off you're a braver cunt than me.

The Power & The Glory - 9/10

GET IT IN A METAL TINperctrax/the-power-and-the-glory

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I don't know how Phonica had Eskimo Recordings presents The Blue Collection in stock because it's not out in the shops until Monday 24 February! Cheeky gets. Still, I had to listen to this collection of tracks about eight times to get me out of the bad mood I was in. Listening to Eskimo Recordings presents The Blue Collection after that Perc record is exactly like when I had to watch an old White Stripes video and Knowing Me, Knowing Yule to pull me back from a deep, magic mushroom hyper-depression in the summer of 2004. I'd done too much, too early in the day and heard the Devil in my ear. After that, I was walking downwards, feeling glum and seeing Freddy Krueger's face in the living room wall. Eskimo Recordings presents The Blue Collection is a terrific and upbeat cuddle of a CD.

Darting between the spell-binding electronic pop of Atella, the familiar vocals of Róisín Murphy in collaboration with Freeform Five, as well as heralding many artists on the rise such as Blamma! Blamma! and Blende(whose ‘Rikki’ reached no 10 in the Hype machine chart), ‘Blue’ is a melting pot of beguiling sounds spanning two CDs, one a bonus mix of the track selection. Not my words, the words of the angel Gabriel, who whispered that in my ear after I'd done just a little bit of magic mushrooms before putting the CD on.

Eskimo Recordings presents
The Blue Collection - 8/10

PRE-ORDER IT HEREeskimorecordings.be

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Fraiche by Lonely C and Baby Prince is a new EP out this week on Soul Clap Records. I've been trying for a couple of years to ingratiate myself into the world of Soul Clap, Wolf + Lamb and that Marcy crowd. I think they're cooler than the Visionquest lot, better selectors than the Belgian biscuit 2manyDJs crew, more fun than the Villalobos/RPAIRAIRPARI/Luciano/Superpitcher lads and I honestly think that they'd like me if they met me.

This EP is fucking brilliant and was written, produced, mastered and tested in the world famous Marcy Hotel in 2011 whilst New York City was living in the shadow of martial law because of Hurricane Irene. Hurricane Irene died down not long after the end of the recording session that this EP originates from.

All proceeds of this EP goes to Gadi Mizrahi, Greg Paulus, Soul Clap and Lonely C.

Lonely C and Baby Prince
Fraiche 10/10

BUY IT HEREbeatport.com/fraiche

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Follow Greg Paulus' band@noregularplay

I paid £8.99 for 3 Feet High and Rising by De La Soul in Phonica records. Just my luck, the very next day De La Soul gave away their entire back catalogue for zero pence! I couldn't fucking believe it. I tried to take the CD back to the shop but I'd lost the receipt and the bloke who looks like MCA out of the Beastie Boys was on his lunch so he couldn't back me up.

De La Soul
3 Feet High and Rising - 7/10


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The official release for Paddy Whack by Gordon John is Thursday 20 February. I honestly thought Tripoli Trax had finished in about 2001 but I'm very happy to find out that they're pushing new music out with gusto in 2014. I'm even happier to see that they're labelling their music as hard house, instead of hard dance, techno, trance or psy-grade. Paddy Whack, like the release before that, Music by Wayne Smart, is hard house as hard house should be done. Fast, fun and full of hoovers, vocal snippits, drum rolls and those noises that start off low but gradually rise to a high-pitch before the beat drops. These new Tripoli Trax songs take me back to a happier place. A place where dance music could just be dance music, and dance music journalists didn't over-analyse the stuff to look for political connotations or ponce up what is just an honest piece of music for getting absolutely fucking terminated to. Know what I mean?

Gordon John
Paddy Whack - 8/10


Like themfacebook.com/tripolitraxmusic
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What a great bunch of reviews they are, eh? Not one selection under 7/10 proves that dance music is better that average at the moment. The boffins at WRDMHQ will monitor the stats as the year goes on and we'll see if this week's reviews were an anomaly or standard for what is another fantastic year for dance music.




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Hilarious Lookalikes 2014

It's Friday afternoon so have a look at these hilarious lookalikes and try telling me that they're NOT fucking hilarious.

Look at them!



Can you imagine if a cool French DJ opened up a collection of up-market supermarkets in areas like Putney, Richmond, Muswell Hill, Solihull, Park Hall and Balham? Can you imagine if the man who invented Waitrose started playing dark-house, punk-step, minimal, techno, acid and rare skiffle records in and around Europe? Imagine all of that and then look at this picture of 'Mr Waitrose', Wallace Wyndham Waite, next to a picture of Black Strobe's Ivan Smagghe. LOLoutLOUD!


Did Maurice Fulton go back in time to 2008? Did he de-cool himself and create a FUCKING SHIT pop-rap group called The Rizzle Kicks with a Brighton Brit School kid or does he just look like the worst looking singer of a pair of ARSEHOLES who created the hip-hop sing-song group, The Rizzle Kicks? You tell me! ROFLOFL!


It's funny how Resident Advisor put their RA Exchange up with Robert Henke at exactly the same time I realised that in approximately 2002 he was the SPIT of Tidy Boys DJ and 43 year old CEO of U-Explore, a company doing cool stuff with media to bring careers education screaming into the 21st-century. Funny how these things happen! PMSelfL!


Fuck me! Have you ever seen David Dewaele and Robert Pires fuck up a penalty on the same north London football pitch? Have you ever heard Robert Pires and David Dewaele doing mash-up after mash-up whilst a procession of synchronised cool pop videos blur to the big room tunes on a MASSIVE screen behind them? No? Neither have I, and I don't think it's because David Dewaele is a DJ and Robert Pires is a retired footballer and the two would have no reason to ever work together like that! LTTLOKL!


If you tilt your head back and squint, For Tet looks just like Snax. Honeymoon's over? LOL, I don't think so! RFLOMG!


I'm bored now.

I'll definitely be back next week. MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Ian M will be there, as will plenty more dance music news and reviews. I used no effort today and knocked these hilarious lookalikes up in minutes but, unfortunately, I didn't have enough time and energy to trot across to Ran$om Note HQ to hand in this week's Tonka's Week. I'll be on there next Friday though, definitely.

Go on Ran$om Note today anyway. Believe it or not, it's still a good website even when I'm not there!


Also have a look at Meoko, they usually have some good features.


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