WRDMore Merchandise

My nan keeps telling me that Christmas comes earlier every year. She also says that Muslims bomb us because Elton John got married to a bloke. This year Christmas falls on the 25th December, just like every fucking year since the baby Jesus was born. Know what I mean?

That said, WRDM brings you NOW it's latest line in Christmas fashions, gift ideas and high-concept art. Put simply; Christmas gifts for modern people, or people who want to be modern, who have great taste, loads of money and an interest in the Weekly Review of Dance Music.
WRDMint Ecstasy E Tablets

Get fucked whilst not feeling like your teeth are going to fall out. Mouth rot is now a thing of the past thanks to the scientists at WRDM who have, once again, spotted an easy gap in the market, chopped some Polo mints in and filled it.

Mint Ecstasy comes in spearmint, mint, mint choc chip, Polo, peppermint and cool breeze. Girls will definitely want to get off with you if you've taken a few WRDMint Ecstasy E Tablets.

Mint Ecstasy

£5.00 per unit in the club
OFFER: £10.00 for three in the club

£3.00 per unit outside the club
OFFER: £10.00 for five outside the club

Mad Dog Deon Christmas Wrapping Paper

A man from Walsall with a skull tattooed all over his face will make for a fun, light-hearted start to Christmas morning. Wrap presents for loved ones, friends and colleagues with Mad Dog Deon Christmas Wrapping Paper from WRDMHQ. Watch your little boy's eyes brighten up when he starts tearing at the mush of a man who got told off on telly a few years ago for having a tattoo of a skull on his face and for mucking his missus around.

Deep down, cocka, underneath the rough packaging, he's alright. Just like the gifts that you unwrap at this holy time of the year.
Mad Dog Deon Christmas Wrapping Paper

£12.99 per roll
OFFER: £25.00 for two rolls

Tall Paul Bookmark

Sick to DEATH of ruining the pages of your book by folding the top corners in every time you have to prepare to get off the train/fall asleep? Preserve the appearance of your books by using a WRDM Tall Paul Bookmark.

Tall Paul is the United Kingdom's tallest professional DJ and is ideally suited to squeeze into and tower over novelty books like The Big Book of Football's Funniest Quotes. I can also say from personal experience that the WRDM Tall Paul Bookmark comfortably stands shoulder to shoulder with tomes such as Bill Brewster's How to DJ (Properly): The Art and Science of Playing Records, Ulysses by James Joyce and The Bible by Jesus.

Tall Paul Bookmark

£4.00 per bookmark

WRDM presents Danny Baker presents Boiler Room Bloopers

We all love Boiler Room and we all love football blooper videos. Don't we? Eh? We do, don't we? Eh? I've called in some MASSIVE favours and roped in the king of football blooper videos, Danny Baker, to present WRDM presents Danny Baker presents Boiler Room Bloopers.

They tell you it's streamed live, don't they? This specially commissioned DVD contains outakes, train-wrecks and the sight of a pissed-up reveller being sick in the background during the recent Ivan Smagghe/Andrew Weatherall love-in that you WOULDN'T have seen whilst watching it "streamed". Know what I mean? Danny Baker provides hilarious commentary.
WRDM presents Danny Baker presents Boiler Room Bloopers


Postman Pat for WRDM by Jeff Koons

Postman Pat looks like it was designed by Jeff Koons. I've always thought that. So, I picked up the phone, rang a number and asked Jeff Koons to do a picture of Postman Pat for this edition of WRDMerchandise. He was only too happy to oblige as he is a big fan of my words. He scribbled the above on a piece of A4 paper and handed it over with his usual flourish.

I only have one of these so we'll have to go to auction.
Postman Pat for WRDM by Jeff Koons

Start the bidding at £48,000

I'm bored and tired now. I promise to be back next week with LOADS more stuff.

Check me out in other mediums though.

- Where, Tonka?

Ran$om Notetheransomnote.co.uk/tonkas-week (more to come)

Meokomeoko.net/news/a-visit-from-tonka (more to come)


Follow me: @tonkawrdm
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Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com



Lady G cocktails slip right down your throat and deposit a honey-sweet after-taste, leaving you with a precise need to go back for more. Over and over. Again and again. I slurped on Lady G, draining every last drop from her. Eagerly devouring her. Banging bars and demanding more. Licking the rim. Trickles of warm, tasty goodness at times escaping my mouth and dribbling down my chin, inviting me to use the tip of my tongue to slowly lap up the escapee juice. Mmm. Lady G cocktails taste so fucking good.

I also drank a load of Heineken, double vodka Red Bulls and occasional wine.

- Where, Tonka?

- On the media boat.

- Which media boat?

- The one next to the London Eye on Thursday night for the Red Bull Revolutions in Sound Channel 4 TV and internet extravaganza which I was cordially invited to by all of my showbiz friends from the world of dance music.

The London Eye is a big metal wheel on the banks of the River Thames fringed with see-through capsules that are usually filled with fat old German blokes, Italian students and people who work on it. Thanks to the Red Bull Music Academy, for one night only it was to be manned and womanned by DJs, punters, broadsheet and tabloid journalists, wankers, competition winners, me and people who work on it. I left Waterloo behind at six o'clock sharp and walked briskly towards the South Bank with the encouraging message of My 1st Song by Jay Z in my head phones. Stay busy. Stay working. Stay hungry. Stay humble. Know what I mean?

After boarding the boat I was wrapped in two paper wristbands: an orange one with a trendy hashtag on it and a white one, Twice as Nice 11. A young lady whose name I didn't believe told me that I was to "board the wheel" at 1915, the bar was "over there" and that it was "free". Off I popped for a couple of Lady G cocktails and a lager. I had an hour to kill so I settled down next to a different young lady and banged on about what a great writer I am without even offering to get her a drink!

Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp.

Up came the stairs for a wristband was a young man I'd, regrettably, had a long standing #beef with on www.twitter.com; Funster out of Mixmag. Here's a photograph taken after we'd shared a drink, a handshake and a chat about life. He said I was actually a nice person, and I say the same back in print, despite out-bantering him ten nil and not understanding much of his lingo. #youth #slang

At 1910 I was told to come back in ten minutes as there was a delay on boardings. After getting another beer and chatting with a lovely young man from The Times I returned to the Eye and queued up for a bit. Up I queued. I was half pissed now and smiling at everyone. Halfway up the ramp, flanked by everyone else, I felt the first pangs of a heavy pull on my bladder. By the time I got to the boarding area I was absolutely fucking busting.

- What number, love?

- Eleven.

- That's gone.

I was ushered towards the exit so I went back to the boat for a slash and another drink. After smashing through the boat's front door, the Red Bull executives saw that I was not on the pod and panic spread. An order was sent to the accreditation team to radio back to the wheel and demand that access to the Twice as Nice pod for the second revolution is granted. This was, in their words, mission critical. How the fuck I ended up on the Boiler Room capsule is anyone's guess. After queueing up for a second time I wasn't even asked to show my wristband when I got to the front and I strutted straight onto the first pod that arrived.

A young lady offered me a bottle of Heineken. I took my coat off, squeezed it over the back of the hand rail and pushed my way to the decks area so I could be on the telly. As the mechanics cranked and we were all hauled into the air, Loefah and Lil Silva played track after track of great dance music with occasional hoots and hollers from the people on the microphone. Beat after beat after beat was great, the crowd was great and even the bass lines were great! We were so high up. I pushed my nose against a window and looked up and down the river. It occurred to me that if I'd boarded Twice as Nice when I was supposed to, everyone in the capsule would have been dancing in a pool of piss. Life always works out great for me. Out across the city I stared and smiled. Big Ben winked at me, St Paul's Cathedral nodded it's dome and that chimney stack on the Tate Modern told me to fuck off and get back to the party. I grabbed another lager and put my arm around Thris Tian's shoulder.

- Not a bad life is it, mate? I screamed.

- No, mate.

- Did you see that Ben Klock video?

- Yeah.

- Did you like it? I slurred.

- Yeah, yeah. It's funny, he replied in the least convincing way possible.

I left him alone, wondering if he'd seen the Boys Noize one, and clambered on top of the bench for a dance. We were on the decline and I thought this might be my last chance to dance on the bench of a London Eye capsule with a beer in my hand. I peeped into the ear of a nearby young lady that I'd never heard of Loefah or Lil Silva but I'll probably Google them when I get home. One thing I will note is that Loefah is the only DJ in the world who I wouldn't pick a fight on - he looks like he would definitely fucking batter me. Lil Silva, on the other hand, is a lovely looking young man who I could well imagine being extremely polite in conversation.

The atmosphere in the capsule was electric. When Loefah played the Phats and Small/Outhere Brothers mash-up of that Nightcrawlers track with the Kym Sims acapella laced over the top of it, the entire airborne collection of excited revellers exploded in an explosion of dance and great delight.

I danced all the way down to the bottom and even did a little jig as I left the pod with my coat under my arm. I bowled down the ramp in the cold, quickly putting my coat on, and jumped back on the boat to join all of my new found media chums for some more drinks, top-class banter and a couple of burritos.

Skream was playing upstairs and everywhere you looked was a superstar DJ. Danny Rampling standing on his own in what looked like a denim waistcoat, Todd Terry towering over a couple of smaller fans, Goldie, Skream playing records in a DJ booth and Andy Daniell fending off autograph hunters at the top of the stairwell. I strode over, rescued him and we talked about how every single Defected track has a vocal on. That, I remember.

Typically, we were papped. I hate the News of the World.

Red Bull Revolutions in Sound was a resounding success. I'm glad that I went and if they ever do another one I hope to be invited back.

Red Bull Revolutions in Sound

I'll be back next week with more news, reviews, interviews, clues, blues, Remix of the Week, the very first ever WRDM podcast and OTHER stuff for OTHER websites.

Follow me on Twitter: @tonkawrdm
Like me on Facebook: facebook.com/tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Danny Rampling

I don't know who they are but they say you should never meet your heroes. They can fuck right off because this time last week I was sat in the swanky Met Bar in London spilling Cosmo cocktails all down my vest and sneering at the sweethearts tramping the rainy streets outside as I met and chatted with a hero of mine, and he was nothing less than generous and charming.

Danny Rampling's contribution to furthering the cause of dance music in the UK is beyond argument, as is his furtherings outside of the Great British Isles. He is without a doubt one of the first Englishmen to swallow an ecstasy E tablet in Ibiza.

Click went Record on the dictaphone in my pocket as I secretly recorded our conversation. Here is the transcript:


Q. For anyone unfamiliar with the name Danny Rampling could you tell them who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A. I have been DJing for over 20 years and created the blueprint for the UK rave scene and electronic music explosion in late 80s.

Q. Has continuing to stay relevant in the music industry been a walk in the park or a MASSIVE pain in the arse?
A. Whatever we chose to do in life as a craft, when you get to the top of your game it's important to be mindful of changes within the business.

Fashions come and go and we in Britain are somewhat critical of success at times. Staying relevant is a challenge in itself and to stay on path is by keeping focused and doing what you do with passion and positive energy.

I don't waste precious time concerning myself with critics and negative energies.

Whatever we do, if we do it with love and passion to the craft results happen. The music industry is a beast at times and you don't let it bite too hard. If it does, you get up and keep going.

Q. Open or closed hi-hat?
A. Good question. Both open and closed. It ain't just about the hi-hat, it's the melody that gives you goose bumps from a good tune and strong catchy lyrics over tired old vocal samples.

Q. What made you choose the moniker Danny Rampling as a DJ name? Did you ever toy with prefixing it with DJ like a proper DJ (DJ Danny Rampling), or suffixing it with something more exciting like Sub Wooooofa (DJ Sub Wooooofa) or Beatz Manipu-L8R (DJ Beatz Manipu-L8R)?
A. There was no need to add Dj to my name as I'm proud of who I am and for not avoiding the tax man. Was in the early days of Kiss pirate radio, given an adopted name of Rampo for a while.

The market has changed with DJs now and often real names are no longer used. Allesso Avicci as example.

Q. You're playing with Mark Moore in one of the London Eye pods in November. Can you remind him that he hasn't answered the MASSIVE QUESTIONS I sent to him in December last year please?

Q. What can the lucky people who get into the pod expect from your party - are you tailoring a special set, how long does the party go on for?
A. There will be Three DJs: myself and my wife Ilona Rampling and a dear friend, and original Shoom DJ, Mark Moore, who created an early acid house number one with S-Express We will play many Shoom classics and have a quick hour party over London skies.

Q. Could you please arrange 2 x guests in the pod for me and Mrs Tonka?
A. I wish I could. Red Bull gave us only 2 guests sadly, and all others are competition winners. Thank you for the support. Let me know if you need anything else.

Q. I spend a lot of time in Southwark. Is the gym you started Shoom in still around?
A. It's a data storage office as you enter Thrale Street on Southwark Bridge entrance to the street, first black door on the right hand side.

Q. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A. Often stone cold sober and at work as a DJ: just a couple of drinks to get into the flow of the party. Seldom been terminated, not a good look at all.

Q. Do you have any advice for any of my younger readers who are eager to get themselves into the dance music industry or should they just buy Everything You Need to Know About DJing and Success?
A. Well, yes, there's a wealth of advice and tips in my book. I spent two years writing it so that would be a starting point as an additional tool.

Educate yourself in music production and DJ courses. Learn all you can daily as it will help greatly, and never stop the desire to learn; very important. And show up, get out there and network to get results as no one will come into your home and offer you an amazing DJ slot or record deal.

Q. Lorraine Kelly or Carol Vorderman?
A. Beg your pardon?! I'm a married man and very happily in love with my wife.

Q. What kind of music do you listen to at home?
A. House. Electronic. Chill out. Classical. Rock. Reggae. Pop. All different styles.

Q. How does playing out in Asia compare to the rest of the world?
A. Everywhere has the vibe, the spirit of club culture, which we have collectively shaped over the years. I love playing Asia as I can take time out and visit beautiful beaches and historic sites and eat wonderful food.

Q. Have The Millionaire Hippies run out of money?
A. They went with the demise of Deconstruction Records.

Q. Anything else you want to plug?
A. I have just launched a new music download site with a wealth of hard to find classic music in partnership with Mastermix.

The site is called: Rampling Digital.


What a lovely man! Please join me in shaking Danny Rampling's hand, patting him on the back and wishing him all the warmest for the future. If I manage to get myself into one of the pods next week I'll still give the Shoom one a 10/10.

Please Follow Danny on Twitter by clicking here: @dannyrampling

Like him on Facebook too: facebook.com/danny-rampling

Get on the outside of this:

Mark Moore: if you're reading this, get in touch.

I'll be back next week with loads more of this kind of thing and a little something extra so stay with me, please don't ever desert me for The Daily Mash or that Being Boiled YouTube channel. I can do better, I know I can, just trust me. Things will pick up and I'll be writing posts that WILL make you smile and you WILL love me again. You will. I'm the same person I've always been, I swear. You just need to stay with me, ok? Please. Just stay.

Follow me here: @tonkawrdm

Like me there: facebook.com/tonkawrdm

Email me NOW: tonkawrdm@gmail.com