WINNER + LOSERS

I was playing golf with Sean Connery at the weekend in LA, USA. After smashing me ten nil in front of the lads for still having a Nokia, talk turned to the Draw a DJ competition I started a couple of weeks ago.


"Who's judging it, Tonka?"

"Me, Brian Sewell, Alastair Sooke and Melvyn Bragg."

"Nice one"

"Yeah, we're meeting up on Tuesday at The Crown in Northolt to decide the winner."

"Any favourites so far?"

"There's been a couple of good Seth Troxler cock paintings. The rest are fucking shit to be honest with you."

"Lol. Good luck with that then, laddie."

SWOOSH

"Fuck me, Con! Another hole in one, you cunt!"

"That's it, Tonk. You'll never fucking beat me at golf. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE winner at golf...me. And THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE winner in your Draw a DJ competition. You better choose wisely...

...and tell Melvyn that if he ever slags off ANY of my films again on the telly I'm going to stick this bastard six wood right up his fucking arse and pot him down every golf hole in Scotland. Ok?"

Right, who's won the competition then? You must be fucking bursting and I know for a fact that THIS song will be going through your head right now:

If you're familiar with how Resident Advisor pick the best DJ in the world every year, you'll be familiar with how I'm picking the best drawing.


HELEN ALIEN by ADAM HEAPS wins NOTHING


FAKE BLOOD by CHRIS TAYLOR wins NOTHING


MAD MIKE off of UNDERGROUND RESISTANCE
by BLACK ACID wins NOTHING

BLOKE OUT OF THE ORB
by ROBERT DAVIES wins NOTHING


SHAUN RYDER by STEPHEN FLYNN wins NOTHING


JOHN DIGWEED by LAURA MACKIE wins NOTHING


TONY DE VIT by HOWARD CARAVAN,
I mean CANAVAN wins NOTHING


REBOOT by GREG SAWYER wins NOTHING


PRINCE by KATRINA MAYHEW TAIBE wins NOTHING


ERICK MORILLO by HOWARD CARAVAN,
I mean CANAVAN wins NOTHING


YOJI BIOMEHANIKA by MATT BIRKINSHAW wins NOTHING


LAB 4 and TIM WESTWOOD by
SARAH HOWELL wins NOTHING


BRANDON BLOCK by WILL STERLING
wins NOTHING


KIKI by MARK PAPWORTH wins NOTHING


RICARDO VILLALOBOS by THE DABBLER wins NOTHING


PROSUMER by SIMON ELVINS wins NOTHING


TONY DE VIT by S-BO
(not real name) wins NOTHING


RICARDO VILLALOBOS by MESSY MARII
(real name) wins NOTHING


SETH TROXLER by KEVIN SHOOM wins NOTHING


CARL COX by HOWARD CANAGAIN wins NOTHING


SKRILLEX by WORMSTIR wins NOTHING


DAFT PUNK by ANT HUGHES wins NOTHING


THUGFUCKER by HOWARD C wins NOTHING


SKRILLEX, SASHA and TONY BLACKBURN by
THOM PROVEN (however fucking popular it was) wins NOTHING


DJ SIR JIMMY SAVILE by
LOVEJOY CAVENDISH wins NOTHING


RICHIE HAWTIN by LOUISE MEAD comes 3rd and wins NOTHING


Out of all the losers, REDSHAPE by KRISTAN J CARYL
comes 1st (second place) and wins NOTHING


SETH TROXLER by RUSSELL HEAPS is fucking brilliant and is the deserved WINNER of the following THREE prizes:

  • One signed copy of a burned Miss Moneypenny's CD (TdV - Glamorous One)
  • One signed photo of me
  • One signed book of Russell's choice (from a selection chosen by me)
Russell, I'll be in touch privately for your address and stuff.

What a competition and what a day! The Guardian today chose to put me on the front cover of their definitely read section of the website that can be found by searching for the words 'blog jam' in their tiny search bar and scrolling halfway down the page to click on the link. Suck on that Little White Ear Plugs, Popbitch and Minimal Messages. You jealous muthafuckas.

Please shower WRDM with praise in the comments section. I have so little.


I'll be back very soon with my most offensive post yet and MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Brandon Block. Stay tuned.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm

"Like" me: facebook

Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

WRDM Draw a DJ / COMPETITION

One lucky reader will win the following sensational prizes for doing something as easy as drawing a picture!

• a signed photo of me

• a signed CD burn of Miss Moneypenny’s Glamorous One (the TdV mix)


• a signed book of your choice (from a selection chosen by me should you win the competition)


To be the envy of everyone on Twitter, Facebook and Internet please get involved by drawing a picture of a DJ. It can be your favourite DJ, a DJ you hate or simply one that's easy to draw.

To give you an idea of what I'm after, I cracked open Microsoft Paint and came up with this in about 10 minutes. It's a picture of DJ Surgeon waving to the crowd whilst playing House of God's 19th birthday in February 2012 at Birmingham's Subway City.


It doesn't have to be in MS Paint. You can use easel and brush if you're that way inclined. You can either Tweet me your entries with the hashtag #wrdmdraw or upload to my Facebook page.

UPDATE. Due to PHENOMENAL DEMAND the deadline has been extended:

The deadline is 23:00 Monday 29 July 2013

I'll sift through the shit, decide which one I like the best and announce the winner on Sunday 28 July 2013. I can promise you that if enough people get involved in this competition the prizes WILL get better.

Twitter: @tonkawrdm

Facebook: facebook

Email: tonkawrdm@gmail.com


Remix of the Week

When you fall into the mud after you've been thrown off of a horse, you have to get back on top of him/her as soon as you can before wiping the mud from your legs.

That is the famous saying I have ALWAYS lived by.


Friday's WRDM is TWO all-dayer and Saturday's after party have fucked me right up - I won't lie. My head still feels like it's a MASSIVE hollow boulder full of polystyrene and my legs are literally two breadsticks wearing a pair of 32/32 navy blue Uniqlo slim fit jeans. Whenever I think of something to say out loud my mouth just tells me to fuck off and keep quiet!

"Why, Tonka?"


Well, that's what triple-dropping ecstasy tablets, sniffing coke, licking whizz and necking Special Ketamine powders up the nostrils ALL WEEKEND does to you (me). What a weekend though, eh? Tonight I look, feel and sound like Worzel Gummidge but what's left of the part of my brain that stores memories is shaking me by the hand and saying, "thanks mate".

This week's Remix of the Week is a remix of a cool song by a two cool producers on a cool label. It's the beautifully named Fear of Numbers (Leo Zero Remix) by Footprintz on Crosstown Rebels, I mean Visionquest. I was drawn to review this remix not because it's currently on the front page of RA and I'm not in the right frame of mind to go crate digging down Phonica with Simon Rigg, but because I absolutely love the name of the track.

“Why, Tonka?”

Well, I was always going to make my name by promoting the effects of ecstasy to hundreds of people a year on the internet - that was obvious from an early age - so I devoted my studies to deliberately achieving an E in maths GCSE at St. Francis of Assisi RC Secondary School, Erdington Road, Aldridge, West Midlands, WS9 0RN in 1997. Maths was my strongest subject and one I was predicted to get A* in. I wanted to subvert the whole education system, begin my future prophecy as a dance music blogger, stick it to my teachers and etc, etc. Warming to my properly fucking wacky scheme, I stretched the remit to achieve straight Es throughout my exams.


The GCSEs came and went in a white-hot blur of questions and answers. I studiously answered the optimum number of questions incorrectly on purpose to gain an E in each subject…or had I? The night before we were due to receive our results I slept at the bottom of the stairs. With sweaty fingers and a shaky face I caught the envelope as it flew through the letter box. “If my plan to achieve straight Es has come to fruition, it will serve as quite possibly the greatest anecdotal link to a review of a maths related techno single in sixteen years time the world has ever seen”, I whispered to myself.

Can you imagine how angry I was when I saw a C (English) and an F (French) amongst all of the Es on my report? I got an E in Biology, an E in Geography, an E in Design Technology, an E in Religious Studies, an E in Art and an E in maths. I always did have a fear of numbers.

ROFLOFL (rolling on floors laughing out fucking loud).


The Leo Zero Remix on Fear of Numbers by Footprintz is fucking brilliant.

Leo Zero converts the original into a chunky slab of Balearic. The lyrics seem slightly out-of-sync with their surroundings, yet on the whole the balmy disco angle works surprisingly well. Not my words, the words of James Lawrence at Resident Advisor magazine, and I can’t describe it any better.

Footprintz – Fear of Numbers (Leo Zero Remix)
8/10





I feel much better now. A lot less gloopy. In fact, I feel like going out to the internet shops and treating myself to a dance music related t-shirt. Teshno may have just done a feature on them, but they didn’t include my friends at Collect who have released a range of LIMITED EDITION clothing that transports you back in time…to an Age of Love.

Look, they've got a SALE on!



Wear a Helter Skelter top and imagine being chased around a field by some jealous coppers because you’re hugging people instead of being drunk and disorderly. Stretch the neck of a Chicago House t-shirt over your head like you’re from Chicago listening to some house music. Parade around Western-Super-Mare in a replica Omen t-shirt to see if any of the shitheads on the beach give you the thumbs up sign with their thumbs.

I’ll be back ASAP with stuff about dance music FYI that will make you go OMG.


Follow me: @tonkawrdm
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Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

WRDM is TWO afterparty

This is where things get weird. What the fuck is weird anyway? Do not tell me, or my readers, what is weird and what is not weird. You can not say.


I'm not used to K but I've sniffed some anyway. One large line took me away and now I swim with whoever is left in the pool. Not you. Not her. Not him. But the rest of those who flap their arms and dangle their feet over the precipice. Only they are left. Only they know not to heavy pet. Do not bomb, it does no good to anyone. Swim safely through the length, waddle across the width and swim safe. Swim safe.




Tomorrow makes me two plus. Time affects you the reader not...but please come back. Again and again and again and again.



I will be back next week with with with with with with with with with with


WRDM is TWO

Thanks for coming, lads...and women! Welcome to the party. The Weekly Review of Dance Music is two (2) today!

Children are NOT allowed unless accompanied by an adult.




If you're a regular, you know that I use a LOT of blue language and talk about drugs. If you've got any sense, take your kids down the road to Mixmag, but if you do want to stick around you better be up for taking all of what I've got to say in, and on, board. If not, then you can fuck off and THINK about taking drugs whilst I'm sat here with my black Samsung Windows 8 laptop resting on my thighs pretending to have a birthday party and writing about it whilst off my box on speed and lager.

Last year, I held a sex party and spurted SexMix69 all over your faces. That mix has since been taken down by Soundcloud because Biggie Smalls' mom complained that I hadn't paid royalties on Another.


This year you find me twice as old as I was last year. You see me twice as happy about the state of dance music but twice as angry at the state of my role in it (dance music). Whilst Teshno, Minimal Messages, Resident Advisor and Little White Earplugs go from strength to strength WRDM is still looking up from the gutter. Only one thing warms me up, a comfortable smile stretches the skin on my face as I watch across the street at Vice desperately calling for help as it gets swept up by the bin men. If I find out that any of the contributing writers for Vice get paid for the whining, try-hard shit they submit I will literally be sick AND throw up at the same time.


Believe it or not, I've still not earned a penny through this blog (except for a tidy Google Ad Sense and Google Affiliate Ads revenue stream and regular shopping vouchers from my collaborations with Total Media) and it breaks my fucking heart. I honestly don't care though, I write for the love of it, NOT as a means to try and crowbar my way into mainstream journalism by name dropping and Tweeting selected journalists at Mixmag for #banter and recommending DJs who may or may not be able to get my blog banded about more regularly. THAT kind of behavior disgusts me and it is something I will NEVER ever whatever. Ever.

Anyway, let's stop talking shop and get this party started, eh? Let me get you a drink, what is it? Lager? There's Stella in the fridge, Fosters out on the roof top and there are little sausages in that cardboard bowl on the side.

First on the mic is my man Hank, come on Hank say hello:



That was a top Tonkin' warm up. Definitely not hurried or ill-thought-out.



How you all doing? KNOCK-KNOCK/DING DONG Ooh, who's that at the door? It's my mate, Leonardo, from Aldgate! He'll be over there in the corner dishing out the ecstacys and coke bags. Get your wonga out and get involved. It's 5 per one, 10 for three and 50 for the bag. Correct change only, ok?

Right, get on the outside of that and let's get cracking. It's the main event. When RA got to 100 podcasts they enlisted Richie Hawtin. Carl Craig did the 200 and DJ Harvey got all tribal on 300. WRDM is very proud to announce a special LIVE mix by Tonka (me). It was recorded at the official WRDM is TWO party down at Scootercaff√© in Waterloo last weekend.

I've just triple-dropped four pills and only want to dance to 1 hour and 20 minutes of party classics. Come with me...



Breathless is the word you're probably looking for. And “fucking brilliant”. That set was recorded live and mixed by me on 6 x Technics direct-drive turntables and Ableton Live 8.3.4 in the basement at Scootercaff√©, Waterloo to a crowd of close friends, Dan Beaumont, Kristan J Caryl, one half of 2 Bears, Shane Watcha and a selected crew of dance music head-hunters. If you want a tracklist, get in touch. You won't find that Lipps Inc/Technotronic mash-up (19 mins in) anywhere though because I remixed that myself LIVE as it happened on the spot in the club behind the decks as I played live.

WRDM is TWO at Scootercaffé was THE party classics party of the decade. If you weren't there, frankly, you're going to have to take my word for it when I say it was the best party ever held on Lower Marsh.

DOWNLOAD NOW before the suits at Soundcloud take it down like they did SexMix69.


My jaw is swinging now. Before we all start going negative let's sing a song:

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Weekly Review of Dance Music,
Happy Birthday to you!!!

Time for cake.




I'm going for a walk. I'll be back next week with loads more quality posts and MASSIVE QUESTIONS with a very special guest.

WRDMFM is currently in post-production too, isn't it Mo Man?

The Weekly Review of Dance Music will NEVER stop. Thank you all very much for sticking with me - I mean that. You know. Please, please, please share my truth (blog) around the internet like cocaine being carried around Freddy Mercury's house on top of a well-dressed midget's head.


FOLLOW: @tonkawrdm
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WRITE: tonkawrdm@gmail.com


BIG thanks to all who have been reading so far, especially:

All at Maouris
Stephen Flynn
All at Total Media
NJI
All at Resident Advisor











































WHO'S WITH ME?