Album of the Week

This is not called the Weekly Review of Dance Music for nothing. Here's some reviews for you to mull over...

Daft Punk - Random Access Memories

Daft Punk return to our screens this week with their highly anticipated third album, RAM. It came out in the shops on Monday but for some reason, iTunes were streaming it for free last week. Busy P's mouth must have been going absolutely fucking ballistic when he found that out. Imagine, you've spent months working on a comeback album and because of an administration error in the iTunes office your whole album gets rinsed all over the internet FOR FREE. Who's going to actually buy the album now? I've already listened to it all the way through so I don't need it. My mate, Draper, listened to it on iTunes and used the microphone on his iPhone to record it. He's selling the recorded MP3 of that stream online now for half the price of what you can get the CD for. He's laughing his head off every single day because of iTunes and Daft Punk can do FUCK ALL about it. Sorry snooze, you lose.

Back to the album and, more importantly, my constructive criticisms of it. Daft Punk have taken the modern funk template created by Chromeo and put their own Gallic spin on it. Out go the distinctive rough hi-hat sounds from Homework, in comes P-Thugg-style vocoder verses. Out go videos about talking dogs, in comes properly cool videos with Pharrell Williams and some bloke who looks like Predator. Out go tracks you can mix in and out of your DJ set with, in comes stuff that fades in and has no 8 or 16 bar 4/4 looped percussion sections.

It's not as good as what all the bum-lickers at Mixmag will have you believe but it's still listenable. My one massive markdown is that there is only one track on it that you can appreciate whilst on an ecstasy trip (the Giorgio Moroder one).

So, if you want something similar but with a bit more adventure, seek out Chromeo's second LP or Sexor by DJ Tiga.

Daft Punk - Random Access Memories

Jay Z - The Great Gatsby Soundtrack

I went to watch The Great Gatsby last week because I really fancy Leonardo Di Caprio....LOL. Only joking, fellas! Of course I don't fancy him, but I did fancy all the birds in the film. Even that blonde one who's supposed to be the most beautiful woman in New York. Carey Mulligan, in my honest opinion (IMHO) is not ugly but stand her next to Natalie Portman or Angelina Jolie and she's not the most beautiful woman in New York, she's just alright looking. Know what I mean? I'd even choose Anne Hathaway over Carey Mulligan if I had to!

Going back to Leonardo Di Caprio for a moment, the only chance you'd ever catch me in a sex situation with him is if a butler secretly took a video of us high-fiving one another across Gisele's back in a 5-star hotel like Claridge's and posted it on Perez Hilton's website.

Halfway through watching The Great Gatsby I whispered to the couple smooching in front of me, "this is the seventh Jay Z track I've heard so far, this film's fucking brilliant." At the end it said that Shawn Carter is the executive producer... I'm not a swivel-eyed loony conspiracy theorist but is it simply just a coincidence that Shaun Carter is Jay Z's real name? Cheeky fucker can't pull the wool over Tonka's eyes. Can he?

Jay Z - The Great Gatsby Soundtrack

Various - EDM: Electronic Dance Music

I love the way that the term EDM really annoys the snobs who think that dance music is just for the cool people. House music and ecstasy is all about bringing people together in LOVE, and the fact that you have cliques in the scene at all makes me LAUGH. And snort. You can shuffle around and look down your noses at Cargo but the fact is this: if you don't feed the kids on EDM you won't get the teenagers into proper clubs when they're old enough, and if you don't get the kids in the proper clubs they'll never get the chance to buy ecstasy E tablets off of the dealers and before you know it there is a huge generation gap in UK clubland.

I don't have to tell you what comes next, but I will: Fabric will close down because of YOU. My advice to all the trendy Instagram/tumblr/BORES who think that they're better than everyone else because they live in Whitechapel and have a graphic design or photography job is this: Leave EDM, and the people who like it, alone because it is the best possible recruitment tool for nightclubs and for the long-term prosperity of our brave, hard-working British drug dealers.

Various - EDM: Electronic Dance Music

There you have it, hats off to Hova for spitting another masterpiece our way. He wins this week's Album of the Week with a cap-bustin' 9/10. Cheers!

I'll be back real soon with some more things. If you've been negatively affected physically by any of the themes I've written about today, I can only advise you to claim some money off of me.

"How, Tonka?"

It's easy. In my experience, personal injury claims are often complicated and time consuming. Leo Claims Personal Injury Claims provide you with expert personal injury solicitors who can take you through the claims process and do all of the hard work for you, offering you tailored advice during a stressful and difficult time. Working on a strict no win no fee basis, you will not pay a penny if your claim is unsuccessful and if proceeds end favourably, you will receive the compensation you deserve.

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