Remix of the Week

This week's remix isn't even a remix, it's a cover. I'm that confident in my own blogging ability, I can openly lie to you in the subject name because the content of the post, and the cover song in question is so strong.


If you've been reading the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music from the beginning (Tuesday, 12 July 2011), you'll know that there are only three things I love, in order:
  1. Dance music (1987 - present)
  2. WWF (1988 - 1993)
  3. Gangster rap (Straight Outta Compton - The Blueprint 2)
Fuck All Nite on The Blueprint 2 killed modern rap. Not one track by ANY rapper since has bettered it. The music, by The Neptunes, sounds like the theme to a 90s platform game - but set 200 years in the future. The lyrics are all about shagging birds and having loads of money - classic rap rhymes. The combination of a brilliant song name, retro/futuristic video game music, sexist brag-rap and a Pharrell cameo is unique. It has not, and will not, be bettered.




Before Fuck All Nite arrived, the best song in rap was Forgot About Dre by Dr Dre. The bit where the old NWA sample, "C-C-Comp...tonnnn" comes in towards the end, and Eminem's bit about talking gibberish is FUCKING QUALITY. Hilariously, Jay-Z wrote most of this track for Dr Dre - that's how powerful he is. Not only did he bring you the Oldies, Eazy-Es, Ice Cubes, and The D.O.Cs, the Snoop D-O-double-Gs and the group that said muthafuck the po-lice, he also sat Jigga down and made him write a song about how good he (Dr Dre) is!

Here is a cover version of Forgot About Dre that is my REMIX of the Week. It's shit and nowhere near as good as the original.




I'll be back next week with more etc, etc.

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Field Day 2013

This one goes out to all the bastards.


Saturday I woke up. After rolling over to my left in a panic, I remembered that I'd been texted up the night before by the Parisian girlfriend of The Charlatans' old manager from the West Midlands, and I hadn't responded. I checked my Nokia 100 and there were four follow-up messages from her; all in broken British.

Sooooo? FD tomorrow. Coming still in day? [sic]

Why you no respond?! [sic]

If you no come I ask Alex Petridis. Don't make me ask him again you ok.?!.. [sic]

Ok. You choice and you lose again. Fuck you and fuck YOU again. Outs! [sic]

I silently mouthed the words merde off, rolled my eyes and turned over to my right, draping a leg over the naked hip of The Charlatans' old manager and smiled the filthiest smile you could ever imagine. What happened next is illegal in Gambia.


Thankfully, it was just a dream! I woke up just before we actually did anything dangerous and stared straight ahead to the Jordan and Emma B posters on my bedroom ceiling. I smiled the filthiest of smiles before reasserting the confidence in my raging heterosexuality by getting off with BOTH of them in my head.

By pure coincidence I was going to FD (Field Day) that day (Saturday), and I was going to see Tim Burgess...who I've just found out is the lead singer in The Charlatans! Life has a funny way of connecting the dots sometimes, doesn't it? Eh? DOESN'T IT?!


Here's a list of the worst and best things I saw at Field Day 2013

Tim Burgess was alright but when he came on stage, EVERYONE in the crowd started laughing. I felt sorry for him but he should know the golden rule about dying your hair. Hair dye is only for women, and for men under thirty. He's a pop star though and, despite the hair-style, I thought his songs were good and he has a lovely singing voice. I'd recommend seeing him if he starts touring again. However, please check out what The Charlatans sound like before you go to see him with them. I can only recommend him on the back of what I saw at Field Day, and that was a SOLO show. Please don't go and see The Charlatans thinking you'll be seeing what I saw on Saturday, because you won't - it should be MASSIVELY different. His solo stuff is probably not the same kind of stuff as his group stuff, ok? Otherwise, what the fuck is the point in going solo if your solo stuff sounds exactly the same as your group stuff? So, to clarify: go and watch Tim Burgess on the back of this review, not The Charlatans.



Tim Burgess at Field Day 2013
7/10

Animal Collective are a band I'd heard of, but never bothered to look on YouTube for. I think it's because they sound to me like they're going to sound exactly like what MGMT sounded like in 2009, and what Beach House sound like now, and what Laurence and the Machine and Wavves sound like, and what Local Natives sounds like, and what what's their name sounds like, fuck me, what's the name of them? Hold on...fuck. Them ones who played at Glastonbury wearing Bermuda shorts and stuff the other year. Agh! What the fuck is their name?! NME was banging on like they were the best band England have produced in decades. Who was it? I think they did a Bugged Out CD or something. Anyway, I always imagined Animal Collective would sound like that. Proper Pitchfork/Vice music. Stuff you pretend to like. Songs you post on your Facebook and Twitter without actually listening to first. Know what I mean?

So, I put my prejudices on the floor, dabbed four more fingers of Mandy and walked straight to the front of the mosh pit for Animal Collective's headline set at the Main 1 tent. I was so wrong to have never YouTube'd them before. Their singer roared like a lion at the front of the stage and, from then on, I was out of it. My brain started hitting the heights again. The lead singer's voice got more elaborate and beautiful as their set went on. To be honest, every one of their songs sounded fucking brilliant.



Animal Collective at Field Day 2013
10/10

Apparently, Solange turned up at Field Day in a bright pink Limousine and was carried straight to the side of the stage on a solid gold bean bag by four members of the original UK Chippendale's. Talk about being a diva! If she'd have demanded that to sing in my back garden I would have told her to fuck off. I also heard that she would only play her set if the organisers could arrange for EVERYONE at the festival to stop what they are doing, leave whatever tent they are in and run across to watch Solange by the time she opens her mouth. What a diva...where does she get that from, eh? Winking smiley face.

I couldn't see what she looked like because I was squashed up and trapped behind the tallest man in the world from the start of her set to the finish. Her band sounded fantastic, she has a wonderful singing voice and, with a sister who looks like Beyoncé, she must be really fit as well. So, given the chance, I'll stick my neck out and say I'd definitely get off with her. At least.



Solange at Field Day 2013
8/10

What a great occasion. The only thing that ruined it for me was the lack of a big screen for the football. If they'd have stuck something up like what the Dallas Cowboy's have got and switched ITV1 on, they'd have had a lot more people buy tickets for the festival. Imagine that, lads, watching the Champions League final in a field, on drugs, and with the sound of Waze and Odyssey floating about your head.


Field Day 2013 was fucking brilliant. And so was Mount Kimble.

I'll be back soon with loads more stuff like what you've just read. ALSO, I'm currently reseaching what the best microphones are for doing podcasts with. If YOU have any suggestions, contact me via the means laid out below 

TWITTER  @tonkawrdm
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Album of the Week

This is not called the Weekly Review of Dance Music for nothing. Here's some reviews for you to mull over...

Daft Punk - Random Access Memories


Daft Punk return to our screens this week with their highly anticipated third album, RAM. It came out in the shops on Monday but for some reason, iTunes were streaming it for free last week. Busy P's mouth must have been going absolutely fucking ballistic when he found that out. Imagine, you've spent months working on a comeback album and because of an administration error in the iTunes office your whole album gets rinsed all over the internet FOR FREE. Who's going to actually buy the album now? I've already listened to it all the way through so I don't need it. My mate, Draper, listened to it on iTunes and used the microphone on his iPhone to record it. He's selling the recorded MP3 of that stream online now for half the price of what you can get the CD for. He's laughing his head off every single day because of iTunes and Daft Punk can do FUCK ALL about it. Sorry guys...you snooze, you lose.

Back to the album and, more importantly, my constructive criticisms of it. Daft Punk have taken the modern funk template created by Chromeo and put their own Gallic spin on it. Out go the distinctive rough hi-hat sounds from Homework, in comes P-Thugg-style vocoder verses. Out go videos about talking dogs, in comes properly cool videos with Pharrell Williams and some bloke who looks like Predator. Out go tracks you can mix in and out of your DJ set with, in comes stuff that fades in and has no 8 or 16 bar 4/4 looped percussion sections.




It's not as good as what all the bum-lickers at Mixmag will have you believe but it's still listenable. My one massive markdown is that there is only one track on it that you can appreciate whilst on an ecstasy trip (the Giorgio Moroder one).

So, if you want something similar but with a bit more adventure, seek out Chromeo's second LP or Sexor by DJ Tiga.

Daft Punk - Random Access Memories
7/10

Jay Z - The Great Gatsby Soundtrack


I went to watch The Great Gatsby last week because I really fancy Leonardo Di Caprio....LOL. Only joking, fellas! Of course I don't fancy him, but I did fancy all the birds in the film. Even that blonde one who's supposed to be the most beautiful woman in New York. Carey Mulligan, in my honest opinion (IMHO) is not ugly but stand her next to Natalie Portman or Angelina Jolie and she's not the most beautiful woman in New York, she's just alright looking. Know what I mean? I'd even choose Anne Hathaway over Carey Mulligan if I had to!

Going back to Leonardo Di Caprio for a moment, the only chance you'd ever catch me in a sex situation with him is if a butler secretly took a video of us high-fiving one another across Gisele's back in a 5-star hotel like Claridge's and posted it on Perez Hilton's website.




Halfway through watching The Great Gatsby I whispered to the couple smooching in front of me, "this is the seventh Jay Z track I've heard so far, this film's fucking brilliant." At the end it said that Shawn Carter is the executive producer... I'm not a swivel-eyed loony conspiracy theorist but is it simply just a coincidence that Shaun Carter is Jay Z's real name? Cheeky fucker can't pull the wool over Tonka's eyes. Can he?

Jay Z - The Great Gatsby Soundtrack
9/10

Various - EDM: Electronic Dance Music



I love the way that the term EDM really annoys the snobs who think that dance music is just for the cool people. House music and ecstasy is all about bringing people together in LOVE, and the fact that you have cliques in the scene at all makes me LAUGH. And snort. You can shuffle around and look down your noses at Cargo but the fact is this: if you don't feed the kids on EDM you won't get the teenagers into proper clubs when they're old enough, and if you don't get the kids in the proper clubs they'll never get the chance to buy ecstasy E tablets off of the dealers and before you know it there is a huge generation gap in UK clubland.

I don't have to tell you what comes next, but I will: Fabric will close down because of YOU. My advice to all the trendy Instagram/tumblr/BORES who think that they're better than everyone else because they live in Whitechapel and have a graphic design or photography job is this: Leave EDM, and the people who like it, alone because it is the best possible recruitment tool for nightclubs and for the long-term prosperity of our brave, hard-working British drug dealers.



Various - EDM: Electronic Dance Music
0/10

There you have it, hats off to Hova for spitting another masterpiece our way. He wins this week's Album of the Week with a cap-bustin' 9/10. Cheers!

I'll be back real soon with some more things. If you've been negatively affected physically by any of the themes I've written about today, I can only advise you to claim some money off of me.

"How, Tonka?"

It's easy. In my experience, personal injury claims are often complicated and time consuming. Leo Claims Personal Injury Claims provide you with expert personal injury solicitors who can take you through the claims process and do all of the hard work for you, offering you tailored advice during a stressful and difficult time. Working on a strict no win no fee basis, you will not pay a penny if your claim is unsuccessful and if proceeds end favourably, you will receive the compensation you deserve.



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Change to WRDM Opening Hours

Oil Didst O Lord, O Heavenly Father. Read this now.


I was running out of M&Ms the other day, so I left WRDM HQ and sprinted the short walk to Leicester Square to buy some more. As I approached the M&M shop I wondered what it would be like to work as a light man in Club Fabric. How would I feel, I pondered, having to sit in a box at one end of the famous Fabric Room 1 dance hall for 10 hours sober? Would I be fit enough to do that thing where they flick the mains light switch on and off really quickly during the build-ups? How jealous would I get when I see Ricky V getting off with the Italian bird I've been watching all night? I decided there and then, as I struggled to find any M&Ms I could fucking EAT in the M&M shop,  that I would HATE to be a light man in Club Fabric.



"I'll stick to blogging about the place, LOL" I chuckled to the American family behind me, as I paid for my M&M towel, M&M book and M&M mug. I high-fived their kids on the way out and whispered to the bouncer that I was going to, "work even harder on the blog." He fist bumped me.

So, the WRDM (Weekly Review of Dance Music) is breaking from tradition and letting go of the rules that I have let govern me, it, and the blog, from their usual opening times and, therefore, allowing me, Tonka, more freedom to write what I want and, more importantly, when I want in as much as and insofar as the usual Tuesday post is, as of today, no more but is to be replaced in future, as of today, with multiple posts each week, including weekends and bank holidays so as to be not as restricted post and schedule-wise, thus, this post you read now is actually being written on the Thursday night instead of the Monday night, ready for Tuesday morning. My promise to you is that the there will be no deterioration in the high standard I have already set (myself).


I know you'll miss the familiarity, the trapeze net. Knowing that each Tuesday of the week you'll log on to the internet and Google search THIS blog, safe in the knowledge that you'll be loading up a brand new post ready for your eyes to gobble up. However, I need your trust - and I know that I need to stay on top of my game from now on.

"Why Tonka, you're bang on top already?"

Well, 1) The podcast is nearly ready 2) I'm trailing websites like Teshno, Mixmag and Resident Advisor in content quantity (contity) 3) I've been guilty of complacency and DO NOT want to fall behind in content quality (quantent) to websites like Don't Stay In, Up All Night and Mixmag. I need to pull my fucking socks up and run this like the business it should be. So, you'll be hearing a lot more from me in the coming weeks.

It's going to be a hot summer, and I'm not talking about the weather. Which reminds me, if you want to get away for the summer/for good and go abroad to holiday/live there are some wonderful houses for sale in Scotland. Scotland is a small country off the east coast of the Republic of Ireland. There's nothing to do up there but the scenery looks alright. For the dance fans there is the nightclub, Colours. Slam and Optimo are also from Scotland, as is Prince and Mike Myers. Reason, as reason enough for YOU to visit (Scotland).



If you don't fancy Scotland, go abroad properly and jet to Limassol Marina in Cyprus. Limassol Marina is destined to become the premier destination in the eastern Mediterranean and its most exclusive waterfront development one of the finest in the world. It combines elegant residences and a state-of-the-art marina with exclusive restaurants and shops, to create a lifestyle uniquely shaped by ‘living on the sea.’ But don't just take my word for it, click on the links above for the full sales pitch.

I'll be back next Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or whenever with all your dance music news and reviews. The brakes are off now, fellas.

Coming soon is a Marv N J feature and a preview of Mathew Jonson's new album, Her Blurry Pictures.

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Remix of the Week

This week's Remix of the Week is a remix of a song sung by a friend of the family. He's a German called Freund der Familie, and the remix is by a mysterious man called RNDM.


Although the hype that teshno.com recently whipped up around this release was astronomical, the song itself is a delightful stroll through a dark wood at the end of an after-party. You're on your way home with a grin AND a frown on your mouth. You're walking and almost floating at the same time. You're accompanied by a new friend who sounds like he's just learning to play the trumpet; he blows the end but isn't confident enough to press his fingers to the holes on the brass pipe bit. You begin to clap along.

bwa...bwa...bwa-bwa...bwa...bwa...bwa-bwa...

You clap on the 2 and 4 until you reach the end of the wood, turn left onto the dual carriageway and buy a Strawberry Nourishment drink from the nearby Esso. When you get home, you while away the afternoon sniffing up the rest of your poppers whilst Bibio's new LP tucks you in and sends you off to sleep.




There is no break-down in RNDM's remix of Porentief, therefore there is no build-up. I never thought I'd be pushing a dance track that has no build-up in the middle of it...I must be getting old. Porentied (RNDM's Remix) is that fucking brilliant.

Buy it here: Porentief (RNDM's Remix)

If you don't agree with anything I've said in this week's post, go away think about yourself and sue me. If you do, there will be only one way you can get one over on me in front of a judge. Redress Law are the experts in advising and litigating against mis-sold remixes and are, frankly, the BEST professional negligence solicitors in the world. So, do me a favour and don't sue ME using Redress Law, sue RNDM for ruining Freund der Familie's original masterpiece.

I'll be back next Tuesday with more stuff that what comes out of my pen.


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WRDM21 - The Ableton 9 Review

I fucking love making (dance) music and I am STARTLED at having slipped through the net when it comes to the electronic dance production big league. Look at who I'm up against and tell me why I'm not getting my slag hammer drained by Rihanna right now:
  • David Guetta: better than him.
  • Swedish House Mafia: better than them.
  • Daft Punk: as good as him, if not better.
  • Calvin Harris: better than him.

I started off making hard house and French filter on Music 2000 for the Playstation 1. Even though I clocked it twice I still went to the trouble of loadi

I’ve been making dance songs sin

After I unwrapped Music 2000 on my 19th birthday I couldn’t help but pump my fists and kiss my dad on th

Like Dizzee Rascal before me, Father Christmas chucked Music 2000 and a Playstation 1 down the chimney for me on my 19th birthday. I became an expert on it within 3 years. Seven (7) years later I upgraded to Magix Music Maker Deluxe 2007 on my silver Sony Vaio wifi-enabled laptop. Soon after that, I was releasing vocal hard house songs on Soundcloud under the pseudonym, Da Nut Kracka. Milligrid Records got wind and, well, the rest, as they say, you know, well, it is all in the past, like history.




I got signed but they made me change my name (there was already a performance artist with an Equity card called Da Nut Kracka), which I was relaxed about. Being a key member of the Milligrid Records roster was enough of an ego trip, and reward enough. It also made making connections in the industry easier than popping small soapy bubbles with massive metal fingers. Champa Moore, the American tech-house rebel from NYC, America, had heard about the buzz I was creating with Milligrid and we collaborated on a couple of loops. He asked me what kit I was using, I told him about Magix Music Maker Deluxe 2007.

"Are you muthaeffin' serious, you muthasuckin' douchlord?"


The phone went dead. He called back 2 minutes later and barked out the URL of a special address that would lead me to a server in America where I could have Ableton Live 8 Suite for a knock-down price of zero dollars...or nought pence in English money.

Within months I'd mastered the controls...all of them. Ableton Live 8 Suite had everything I could have wished for. You could turn the volume up on certain instruments, you could pan from left to right and back again with ease. All the drum sounds are in it, as well as hundreds of synthesizer sounds, including pianos, claps and bass lines. It really did what it said on the tin!

In December last year, my Sony laptop packed up and proper bost up on me. I took it to the cretins in my WRDM IT department. They rebuilt the laptop but they couldn't retrieve Ableton Live 8 Suite, so I had to buy a new copy from the internet. I Googled the word Ableton. Halfway down the page I saw a result called Ableton 9 Crack. The name intrigued me. I'd never heard of that version so I hovered over the link, left clicked on my small black mouse and hit F5 TWICE until the Google list was replaced with a web page telling me all about Ableton Live 9 Crack.




Ch-ch-ch Check It Out...its fucking FREE. In 2013 - The Age of Austerity, a company like Ableton can put out a cracking (excuse the pun. LOL out loud) bit of freeware. It really makes you question what this coalition government is on about when they talk about national redundancies, outsourcing of expensive public sector departments and no more borrowing. Sorry to go all political but that kind of thing winds me up. Roll on UKIP in 2015, eh lads?

Ableton 9 Crack is just like Ableton Live 8 Suite but with better colours, more options and an edge to it that I just can't put my finger on. It just fucking sounds good. Tell people you use Logic or Cubase and their eyes glaze over. Mention Ableton and, suddenly, they're interested. Ableton 9 is cooler than Cubase, Propellerhead, Sony Acid Pro and Fruity Loops all rolled into one.

"Why?"

It just fucking is. PLUS, the Akai APC20 is only compatible with Ableton software.


In Ableton Nine you can make house music, trance, acid, minimal techno, acid techno, hard house and UK 2-step garage. For the heavy rockers there are guitar notes you can use, but, unfortunately, there are no chords. There is also a neat function where you can drag songs from your iTunes into Ableton and MIX them together like you would in a club. This is an excellent addition but it pissed me off when I learned about it.

"Why?"

I spent the money I saved getting Ableton for free on 2 x Stanton direct drive turntables, a yellow Numark mixer, Cambridge Audio amp and 2 x big, black stereo speakers (with cabling). I don't need them. I can make all the mega-mixes I want on my laptop now...and I do.




So, there you have it. If that doesn't make you want to get Ableton 9 I honestly think there is something wrong with you. For me, Ableton 9 is to music production software what Footman James is to insurance specialists. Both Ableton and Footman James are recognised as the market leaders in their fields of business. Rightly so, and long may that continue. I was actually talking to Jay Shepheard about Footman James last week, he told me that their current Classic Car Insurance deals are "hella competitive, hombre." He then texted me a link and asked me to let YOU GUYS know all about it: Classic Car Insurance

Ableton Live 9 Crack Suite - 9/10
BUY IT: Ableton 9 Suite

Coming soon is:
  1. the very first WRDMfm podcast
  2. WRDM22
  3. Remix of the Week
  4. Massive Questions with ?????????
  5. And more

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Remix of the Week

This week's Remix of the Week is a rewerk of the classic Lil Wayne track out of his 2011 mixtape, Sorry 4 The Wait. It is NOT, as widely speculated, based on the Lloyd Banks track of the same name.


So here it is, Justin Fletcher with his Electronic Dance Music fuck up of the Cash Money's Tunechi, aka Young Weezy, homage to New Orleans. Brought to you in stereo, etc.

Hands Up (Justin's House Vocal Dub)