"Mustard woolly hat. Check."

"Black leather mittens. Check."

"Sunglasses. Check."

"Wallet. Check."

"Finish cup of tea. Check."

"Keys. Check."

"Bright red Le Coq Sportif trainers. Check, and on."

"Oyster card. Check."

"Small, grey Nokia retro-chic phone. Check."

"Appetite for Destruction on my iPod. Check."

"MASSIVE coat. Check."

"Fuck off out the door and get a move on. NOW."

On Saturday night I braved the ice so that I could get to Fire and watch my old chum, Jeremy Healy, and his pals play music at the Clockwork Orange 20th Anniversary Party. I did about 7 ecstasy e tablets and, once the gig had finished, went back to mine and breathed 2 grams of ketamine up my nose before watching Back to the Future One on DVD. Before I knew it I was mucking about in that car with Michael J Fox and Kramer off of Seinfeld.

What a fucking shambles. I was high, Michael J Fox has Parkinson's disease and Kramer is the wackiest sonofabitch this side of Upper Uptown Manhattan and 69th Broadway so, if you can't imagine this, close your eyes and picture three bell-ends sat inside a time-travelling car called Kit. I asked them where and when they wanted to go but they were too busy wolf whistling at women and licking windows to answer me. I did what any man would do and reached inside my MASSIVE coat, pulled out a first edition of Tony De Vit's Global Underground Tel Aviv tape and stuck it in the deck. As the opening refrain of I Stand Alone (Sharp Vocal Mix) wormed its way out of the in-door speakers, I began to type: 1998. The flux capacitor went all red, I put my pedal to the metal and sped off down towards Crouch End with Michael and Cosmo.

8mph. 18mph. 28mph. 38mph. 48mph. 58mph. 68mph. 78mph. 88mph. As soon as we hit 88mph the car seemed to explode. Me being me, I had my seat belt on so I was able to sit back and laugh as those two cunts flew past me and into a bright orange black hole...I fell asleep and woke up next to Tony De Vit's hospital bed. He had temporarily summoned me down from my drug induced future ESPECIALLY to cover his last ever interview.

We begin...

Q. For anyone unfamiliar with the name Tony De Vit, could you tell them who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A. Let me start by saying thanks for the visit and a big, bouncy hello to all my fans in the future. If you've been living under a rock all these years, my name is Tony De Vit and I play hard house music in the UK and abroad. I also make it…it being hard house.

Q. Why do you do it?
A. What do you mean?

Q. Why do you make and play hard house?
A. Oh. I do it because, in my humble opinion, hard house is the way forward. Hand bag has been and gone, trance won’t last and drum & bass has already gone up its own arse - pardon the pun. Hard house just works for me. It’s easy to play, easy to make and the kids love it.

Q. It's been called "lowest common denominator", "nostalgiano", "Mixmag music" and "junior house" by me. You're a grown man, I know you're gravely ill but why do you still play it? Is there a temptation to walk in Nick Warren's shoes and grow up?
A. No.

Q. When did you get into hard house?
A. I don’t know. It was a natural progression, I suppose.

Q. From what?
A. Disco. Gay stuff. High NRG.

Q. How did you come up with the moniker, Tony De Vit? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with 'DJ', like a proper DJ (DJ Tony De Vit) or suffixing it with something more exciting, like ‘Bass Droppa’ (DJ Bass Droppa) or ‘Beat Receiver’ (DJ Beat Receiver)?
A. Tony De Vit is a shortened version of my fuller name. That being Antony De Vit. I think it’s been a good name to me. To begin with promoters thought they were getting an Italian DJ – you should have seen their faces when they heard my accent! (laughs out loud)

Q. What did their faces look like?
A. A bit like this. (pulls a stunned face)

Q. What’s it like playing in Trade on a Sunday morning?
A. The 2 Ss and 3 Hs: Sweaty and sexy. Horny, hard and heavenly. Have you ever been?

Q. No. As you know, mate, I’m from the future. In 1998 I was 17 and living in Walsall. It was all about Flanagan’s and Ugly Mug Joe's then. Have you ever played Walsall?
A. Yes. The old Pen and Wig on Freer Street. It was 1990, 1991. I was playing for blow jobs back then.

Q. “Come on!” or “Feel it!”
A. Neither. I’m a “Woo!” man.

Q. Curate your fantasy night. What’s it called? What’s the line-up? Where’s the venue? Is there a dress code?
A. It’s promoted by my good friend, Madders, and I'm calling it Tashion. I’ll have Ian M, Lisa Loud and Mark Kavanagh warming up for your’s truly and, if he’s available, Sasha to close.

Q. Boy George or Freddie Mercury?
A. I’ve only been with George so I have to say him!

Q. Did you, er, you know, er, suck his culture club?
A. No. He wouldn't let me. All dressed up as a futuristic Japanese school girl cyborg, he was. He licked my lollipop and let me go wrist deep up his you know what though.

Q. What was he like?
A. Quite aggressive.

Q. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A. I feel terminated now. I wouldn't wish bone marrow failure on anyone.

Q. When the readers of this blog read this you will have been dead for a number of years. The legacy of Tony De Vit, you, will have lived on through numerous Sundissential memorial nights and the recordings, remixes and compilations you made when you were, are, alive will be played to new generations of the more discerning hard houser. What would you like to say to your fans in 2013?
A. I have to say again, Tonka, how thankful I am for you visiting me in hospital and giving me the opportunity to have my say one last time. I know my ti...

This is where things started to disintegrate. Tony's bed swam away from me. He continued to talk but I couldn't hear him. I looked towards the ceiling and saw only wooden slats, through which I could see muddy jungle boots and the sight of an old Vietnamese soldier speaking Russian to a couple of barrel-chested bastards torturing Michael J Fox, stripped bare and laughing. I looked back towards Tony De Vit's bed and witnessed a scene I can never speak of on here. Kramer was there. My ears popped and I was staring at Draper in the corner of our kitchen, staring at me. We did some coke, drank a beer and talked about the night before.

I'll be back next week with more TOP news, reviews and interviews.


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