One of my old girlfriends said some funny things. She used to say to me, "Tonka, I love elections", before reaching for the crotch of my jeans and slowly massaging my flaccid little penis into a 7 1/2" sledge-hammer. Her name was Ching Lan and we didn't last. She hated minimal techno and she loved fucking lots of other men.

It's election time in the United States of America and this is a Special Yee-Haw Yankee Doodle No Diggity edition for all my betcha by golly wow readers on THAT side of the pond (ocean). I was born in West Bromwich, I grew up in Walsall, I live in London and I've been to America once so you can trust me when I say this; America is simply the American equivalent of England in the United States. Know what I mean? We both speak the same language, we both love Hollywood films and we both know for certain that content removed on legal advice and all those who abide by content removed on legal advice and practice content removed on legal advice are a direct and very real threat to the safety of our children and to the future of our sensible and RIGHT content removed on legal advice. God bless the Queen!

Saying that, I couldn't give a shit who becomes the next Prime Minister of America because I keep reading about how China is the next big nation we need to ram our tongues under, but America brought us Jeff Mills, Swedish House Mafia and David Morales so we still have to show them all due respect.

The mission statement of WRDM is: "To tell others what to think", so, if you're a U.S American man or a female U.S. lady in America reading this and unsure of how to vote, let me break it down for you one time:

Mitt Romney showed us his boss dogg playa side last week. He's got money stacks higher than the ceiling and he's now bragging about his "binders full of women." I don't know what the fucking Hell he means but it sounds brilliant. Imagine that, lads; binders full of women. Whenever you get thirsty for a bit of rumpy pumpy (sex), you just crack open your binder, pull a woman out of it, do the deed ;-) (fuck her) and put her back in the binder. That sounds a bit too organised for me but, as I always say, horses for courses, as I always say.

Barack Obama went to primary school with Jay-Z and they've remained the best of friends. I've always been affiliated with the west side, Death Row and Crips so I've got beef with him already. Well, here's how we're gonna do this; Fuck Mobb Deep. Fuck Biggie. Fuck Jay-Z. Fuck Barack. Fuck Bad Boy as a staff, record label and as a muthafuckin' crew. And if you wanna be down with Bad Boy then fuck you too. Chino XL, fuck you too. All you muthafuckers, fuck you too...I've also read that Bruce Springsteen is campaigning for him! I'm not being funny but my fucking DAD likes Bruce Springsteen. I honestly don't know why people keep saying Barack Obama is cool. He's not.

Mitt Romney hasn't even mentioned music on his campaign trail but I read on Wikipedia that when he lived in Massachusetts he served as bishop of the ward and formulated Sunday services and classes using LSD scriptures to guide the congregation. That leads me to imagine that Mitt Romney loves a bit of gabba and/or psy-trance whilst licking hallucinogenics off of his missus' tummy whilst she lies on a church altar surrounded by naked wanking hippies.

Vote Mitt. All the squares in the media and the know-it-all clever clog bloggers laughed themselves to death over Clint Eastwood telling an empty chair off at Mitt Romney's Republican party television programme. The last laugh is on them though because, I imagine, Clint was off his fucking face and having a double top mega time...on LSD...on stage! A vote for Romney is a vote for rock 'n' roll superpowers, which is just what the world needs in the face of boring old China.

Mitt Romney - 9/10 (Winner)
Barack Obama - 6/10 (Second Place)

Furthermore, however, and more to the point, this blog is all about dance (music). American dance music has finally caught up with English dance music and, typically, they've looked at it and called it something different. Dance music in America is called EDM, which stands for Electro Dance Music. I don't know why they put the word 'Electro' in it because check out the roll-call I'm about to lay down, they're all tribal techno DJs! The best EDM DJs in America are called Skrillex, Roger Sanchez, Derrick May, DJ Sneak, Inner City, Craig Carl, David Morales, Kevin Saunderson, Richie Hawtin and Jeff Mills. Club Fabric in London really ought to snap these fuckers up to long term contracts and ship out the current residents on a free transfer to Electric Minds or something - sorry Mr Richards, but it's time for new blood.

To coin a well known American phrase you may not of heard of in Dalston, the nightclubs in the USA are bad ass. Here is a run down of their best three clubs, with marks out of ten, to help you decide which one to go to when you decide to take a weekend clubbing break over the other side of the ocean for clubbing in America with your mates, or wife, for the weekend.


Twilo is to America what Fabric is to Great Britain. If you want to hear non-stop techno in New York, a trip to Twilo is a must. Sasha and Digweed cemented the Special Relationship by agreeing to a 5 year weekly residency in the 90s. Between 1999 and 2007 you could hear Sash and Digs rockin' the Big Apple club without a care in the world. Progressive techno and tribal are the only types of music you'll hear in Twilo so if you turn up in your Air Jordan's expecting crunk or gangsta you'll be seriously disappointed.

Danny Tenaglia is to Twilo what Craig Richards is to Fabric. Danny T not only created Twilo, the sound-system and the programming of the night, he also DJs there every week. He is both the resident and the guest, and if you hate indulgent DJs stay away because you'll be lucky if he plays less than a 19 hour set.

Twilo - 8/10

The Electric Pickle

The Electic Pickle is the place to be if you want to rub shoulders with the likes of Gloria Estefan and Dan Marino on the dancefloor. Soul Clap and No Regular Play hold monthly residencies there and the music is as hot as the Miami sun that beats down on it's roof.

Slow motion house and green lasers pepper the atmosphere at this hipper than hip joint on the south coast. No trainers, no jeans or chewing gum allowed on the premises.

The Electric Pickle - 7/10

Studio 45

Studio 45 is situated on Downtown New York and Broadway next door to the place where James Brown used to sing every week in Harlem 49th and 5th Street, and is just left of parallel to Central Park and Wall Street on the A Train south of the Brooklyn Bridge.

If you don't like disco, don't go.

Studio 45 - 9/10

There you go. If you've always been unsure about America you can now go safe in the knowledge that Mitt Romney should be their President and Studio 45 is the place to go for a night out with an almost perfect 9/10.

WRDM will be back same time next Tuesday with a special Halloween...Special. Shane Watcha has kindly agreed and PROMISED to be filmed in all manner of hilarious set-ups, sketches and interview vox-pops EXCLUSIVE to the Weekly Review of Dance Music. A simple email interview with him or anything less than what we've just promised will be a MASSIVE disappointment, eh readers?

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