WRDM - Drugs Special / The Rest

Last week's ecstasy special was SO popular that as soon as I finished reading all three comments I knew that I had to follow it up with a detailed round-up of every other drug on the market. Me being me, Tonka, I knew that not all drugs are the same. Some send you up, some send you down and some send you round the bend. I've done every fucking drug under the sun so I know what I'm talking about. Back when I was the king of Camden and the west end people called me the King of Drugs, or the King of Drug Takers. Sometimes people called me Drug Man, or Man Who Does Drugs. On occasion, people have even been known to call me Da Drug Getter, or quite simply Tha Drug Seller. I was a face on the scene and no mistake. Yes, I was popping pills and snorting Charlie Chalk before you even knew what back, smack and crack was.

Here is an authoritative look at all the drugs what I've done:

Spliff. Tokes. Cannabis. Ganja. Sticky Black. The Chronic. Draw. PPP (Paper Peace Pipe).

I imagine spliff is fucking brilliant if you're a gangsta rapper in south central LA, smoking it by the tree with Dre, Warren, Snoop and Nate whilst listening to G-Funk. If, like me, you've only ever done it in Northolt with your next door neighbour, Glenn, whilst watching Match of the Day, it's fucking shit.

Spliff has never done anything for me. Ever. It takes too long to prepare and it gives you a headache.

Spliff - 3/10

Charlie Chalk. Coke. White Stuff. Powder. Confidence Dust. Synthetic Influence.

An older, wiser friend of mine called Jonny once proclaimed, "why pay £50 and get 20 minute bursts of high when you can pay £5 for a few hours of continuous euphoria?" He was, of course, comparing cocaine to ecstasy, and I have to agree with him. Cocaine is good in that it gives you the head rush, articularity articulance article talkability and confidence of e but in short manageable sniffs. This is good if you have responsibilities and have to get home sober after a night out on the trumpet. It is not good, however, if you want to party large time on a budget. If, like the majority of UK party goers, the credit crunch has hit you, I forcefully suggest you stick to e when taking drugs at the weekend. Coke is a false economy. You take more and more and more, spend more and more and more to attain the same level of fuckery as e. Spend £5 on one e and you'll get the same benefit over the course of a night than you would on a £50 bag of coke. By balancing your weekly income and budgeting sensibly, this course of drug action speaks and works for itself, long-term and over the weekly course of a week - monthly and then yearly. If it helps, set up an Excel spreadsheet and create handy worksheets to balance out and compare prices, benefits, yearly budget margins and cost benefit analysis charts to guide you through your decision process. It really is that simple, guys.

Cocaine - 5/10

Horse Coke. Special K. Mad Cereal. Ket-Ket. Bad Glue. K.

The last time I did ketamine I was rolling around on a floor in Bow, listening to Above and Beyond and wondering how the fuck I got there. I didn't know who I was, what I was, where I was, when I was or why I was. I'd been doing e all night and all of a sudden someone pulls out a bag of K. I do a line, sit down and 5 minutes later I'm trying to get off the sofa and onto the thick, Bergamo style shag rug for a lie down. As soon as I lay down I found it soft to the touch and comfortable. It felt like it took me an hour to get there though. Ketamine is unlike anything I'd done before or since. It was an odd experience. It made the music I was outvoted on and made to do drugs to all night actually sound interesting - I took Tiga's Mixed Emotions CD with me but they all wanted Above and Beyond, Tiesto and Van Dyke (who I don't actually mind). I remember being able to deconstruct and re-assemble a large section of a Tiesto live set on ketamine. I was pulling kick drums out of the air and placing them where the snare rolls should be.

Ketamine - 6/10

Aroma. Gay Assists. Pop-Pop. Fizz. P Brain. Uppers.

You can buy poppers legally, over the counter of any self respecting adult book shop in the UK. They are an aid for men and women who enjoy anal sex and an aid for men and women in clubs to take their high just a little bit higher. I absolutely love poppers when taken with e. An old friend from Australia introduced me to them at Bugged Out in The End a few years ago. It was about 3am, Jo Jo De Freq was playing an old Prodigy track and my friend squealed in my ear, "here, sniff some of this cobba." I shouted back, "what is it?" To which she replied, "poppers. If you do some of this now, your head will pop off of your shoulders and float towards the DJ booth." I took her hands which were gripping the small gold and black bottle and gingerly pulled her little Aussie hands and the bottle towards my face. I put my right nostril over the top of the bottle, pressed the left nostril with my index finger and produced a healthy sniff. Within seconds my ecstasy rush went a whole stage further. I giggled, hugged her and enjoyed the feeling of my head bouncing off of the low ceiling, travelling around the main room and floating back onto my shoulders. The rush only lasts about 30 seconds, but the £4 bottle lasts all night. It's also good socially - you make all sorts of friends in the club if you have a bottle of poppers.

Poppers - 8/10

Smack. H. Horse. Browner Downers. Anti-Coke.

Heroin is good if you fancy relaxing for a day or two. You've had a long week in the office, the wife and kids are stressing you out, the government are putting up taxes and YOU, the squeezed middle, are finally realising that one day soon you're going to die of old age. Why NOT shoot up and chase the fucking dragon? Despite what I said in this week's introduction I've never done Heroin - but I get the appeal. It's not super addictive for nothing. It's super addictive because it's super good and I would LOVE to try it, if it weren't so super addictive. When this blog takes off and I don't have to do proper work with people I hate to support a family I'm sure I'll have a dabble. So, until I'm being paid to go and review the Miami Winter Music Conference for DJ Magazine or Sonar for Mixmag, I'm staying off the brown. DJ Mag and Mixmag - get in touch, guys.

Heroin - 9/10

Mitchell Crystals. Crack Cocaine. American Nightmare. Phil Breath. East-benders.

Crack is as bad as crystal meth and booze put together.

Crack - 1/10

Magic Mushrooms
Fungus fun. M & Ms. Shrooms. Magics. Psychedelic Vegetables.

I've done magic mushrooms twice. The first time was lovely, the second time put me off for life. Both times I chomped them down with my mate, Robbo, in our palatial 2 bedroom rented flat in Muswell Hill. It was 2004. We were fresh faced newcomers to London. You could buy, like poppers, magic mushrooms LEGALLY in the street...in Camden, down the back of the market. The first time really was magic. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon in June - we eagerly ate our share and sat waiting for the fun to begin. After a while we began to laugh at each other's feet, a little while after that we saw a multi-coloured waterfall drip down the back of our TV. I looked out the window and the tree in the back garden was as vivid as I'd ever seen it. I was hearing elements in the Tony De Vit Global Underground Tokyo CD that I'd never fucking heard before. "That hi-hat wasn't as clipped the last time I listened to this", I insisted. Our cans of Stella suddenly tasted like it was something good, like Dr Pepper or tea. I loved it. Robbo loved it. We went for a walk around the block and bumped into Jesus outside Threshers. It was a beautiful day - one which I'll look back fondly on for the rest of my life.

The second time we tried it I heard the devil in my mobile phone, I saw Freddy Krueger's face EVERYWHERE, I felt evil, depressed, paranoid, there were thorns in the walls and everything was black and red. I went for a walk around the block this time and it felt like I was descending into Hell. I sat outside St James' Church and contemplated asking for saviour. I even thought about knocking on my Auntie Louise's door down Tetherdown before thinking better of it - my cousins were only about 6 at the time. I got back to the flat where Robbo was having the opposite time as me. I took a shower with Freddy Krueger then we all went to the pub to watch the England game. I didn't snap out of it until later that evening when I put a White Stripes DVD on.

Magic Mushrooms - 4/10

Well, by my reckoning heroin is the best of the rest in the drug taking league with an ambitious 9/10. Ecstasy remains at the top of the league with last week's perfect 10.

I've thoroughly enjoyed researching and writing this round-up...up. I do hope you've learned something by reading my words and please heed ALL of my advice at the next party you attend. I'll be back next week with some album reviews (Catz N Dogs' new Body Language mix, an upcoming Hot Creations album and a 4 hour mega mix by Acid Pauli on Crosstown Rebels).

Also in the pipeline are MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Bill Brewster, Lady Miss Kier off of Deee-Lite and a book review; Michael Winner's fabulous Winner Takes All.

Get in touch if I've missed any drugs out or if you have a problem with my scoring system.

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