Catz ‘N Dogz are from Poland, which could explain their slightly embarrassing mis-spelling of the words ‘cats’, ‘and’ and ‘dogs’. That being that and that being besides the point, however, I can exclusively reveal that I may or may not be RELATED to Catz ‘N Dogz.

Granddad Tonka (real name Walter) spent his adolescence touring the world with the Polish Corp during ‘World War 2 – Revenge of the Germans.’ He left his sisters and travelled from his home on the border of Poland and Ukraine, bravely trekking his way through the middle east and eastern Asia before returning to mainland Europe. His was a life of adventure and danger, no two days were the same and he was forever looking over his shoulder in case the Tommy was bearing down on him in a Panzer. Legend has it that he was even captured personally by a camouflaged Adolf Hitler in Berlin whilst approaching the main border to Italy and tortured by the man himself in the basement of his enormous Kreuzberg torture house…the name of which chills me to the bone; Das Und Watergate Stratterhausen Das Berghain Unt Spikenhausen. Thousands of sick torture tourist fucks from Shoreditch now descend on this place every weekend and DANCE over the ghosts of my granddad.

After Granddad Walter outwitted, overpowered and escaped from Hitler he hitchhiked to Italy and ended up on the Adriatic coast, eating grapes all day and spending loads of private sex time with the Bari Beach Babes (as he probably called them). After shagging all the sexiest women in town and drinking the wine barrels dry he left Bari and travelled to Tipton, England, Great Britain. He met my Nanny Kath, years before she became my Nan, and got talked into marriage and kids. What followed was decades of nagging and stress until his death of old age and pneumonia in 1995. Can you imagine leaving Bari for Tipton? He must have been fucking insane. Still, if he hadn’t have made that mistake there would not be no Weekly Review of Dance Music and you would NOT be about to read the best review of Catz ‘N Dogz Body Language Volume 12 you’ve ever fucking read in your life.

Check out this highly probable scenario: My granddad’s sisters could have met, fallen in love with, married and had kids with the granddad’s of Grzegorz Demiañczuk and Wojciech Tarañczuk. What does that make me, eh?

Catz ‘N Dogz Body Language Volume 12 is, I imagine, a loopy musical homage to a lost history and a family re-imagined. A 4/4 tribute to distant relations and clans torn apart by war and tanks. War and Peace? Not in my lifetime, mate, not in my lifetime. Body Language Volume 12 is a slow burning banger from start to finish and it’s exactly what my granddad would have wanted if he were into long and druggy segueways from deep house into periods of short, snappy, staccato sentences of mechanical techno on Compact Disc or mp3.

It all kicks off with Ambrosia by Desolate and before you know it Soul Clap get in on the act with their version of the All Saints classic, Ecstasy. It really is a marvellous start to the mix. In the middle you have tracks in there by artists as diverse as Justin Martin, Helen Alien, Braiden, Squarehead and Eats Everything – all outstanding artists in their own right. The mix ends with Tin Man and his pop dance tribal track, Constant Confusion, which had me roaring with laughter – you’ll find out why after buying the album and listening to it all the way through.

I fucking hate it when you hear reviewers say such and such from so and so took me on a musical journey but I have to say, Grzegorz Demiañczuk and Wojciech Tarañczuk from Catz ‘N Dogz take you on real musical journey with this mix. I’d go as far as to say listening to Body Language Volume 12 is the equivalent of paragliding in fast forward from Lands End to John O’Groats on Bonfire Night.

Catz ‘N Dogz Body Language Volume 129/10

I’ll be back very soon with a review of the new Miguel Campbell album. I’m definitely not related to him so he won’t get anything like the brown-nosed, nepotism bollocks I’ve spunked all over my Polish cousins.

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What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen? Saw IV? Freddy 2? The hate in your daddy's eyes as he belts mummy again for not being who he wants her to be? Candyman 1? This: SCARY YOUTUBE CLIP ? Or Grotbags off of Emu?

Whatever your answer is, it's wrong because THIS post is the scariest thing you haven't actually seen yet, but if you continue to read on throughout this post you will be in no doubt that WRDM MASSIVE QUESTIONS to Shane Watcha, as a sub-post of WRDM, is the scariest thing you have ever seen, including all of the above, and more probably if you really think about it.

Shane Watcha is the spookiest man in dance, everyone agrees, so I was absolutely shitting myself when he agreed to fly me out to his holiday home in Transylvania for a sit down chat beside his massive fucking open fireplace - especially when he told me his butler is called Dracula Fotheringay-Phipps IX. Here is the transcript of this historical date...

Q) For anyone unfamiliar with the spooky name, Shane Watcha, could you tell us who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A) I'm a grown up kid..... much like Peter Pan. Always looking for adventure and errrrr good times. I love getting high too.

Q) You are the Managing Director at Zombie Sound System. Has establishing this spooky company in the industry been a pain in the arse or a walk in the park, like?
A) Its been an absolute blast. I wouldn't say a walk in the park....it was beans on toast for a very long time but the past decade has been pretty fruitful. Also doing something you love (playing records and getting high) is never a pain in the arse.

Q) What is your favourite spooky Horror movie?
A) My god there are so many but i do love the classics none of this blair witch project bullshit. Only the originals like Friday 13th, Halloween , Evil Dead.... none of the sequels..they always a waste of time.
Seriousley has there ever been a good horror sequeal. never

Q) Freddy or Jason?
A) It has to be Freddy. I met him once in a bar in Laguna beach... he was an absolute gentleman.

Q) How did you come up with the moniker, Shane Watcha? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with DJ, like a proper DJ (DJ Shane Watcha) or suffixing it with something more spooky, like Brain Muncha (DJ Brain Muncha) or Blood Licka (DJ Blood Licka)?
A) I didn't its my real name. In the school playground they nickname me DJ Watcha. but when i turned pro i thought i keep it real and just use my real name.

Q) What is your all time favourite non-spooky mix CD?
A) Has to be Jive Bunny & the Mastermixers.

Q) What was Dolly getting revenge for?
A) I'm a huge Dolly Parton fan... I mean what is there not to love. Am sure Kenny can back me up here. So I decided to sample her, was just a bit of fun. Can you believe Sony sent me an email stating copyright infringement. 

Q) Have you ever gone to a spooky Halloween party? If so, was it good? If so, why?
A) Most of the parties i go to these days are spooky man. Christ have you seen the state of ravers these days. All big tits, fake tan and side partings.
I once DJed at this halloween party in Hollywood hosted by the devil himself... Dennis Rodman
It was pretty scary being holed up in a cubicle with a 7foot giant paying me in drugs while LAPD raided his club. We snuck out back into his flame decorated limo, where we speed out into the night with him demanding me to share what he just paid me in, nice one!

Q) What advice do you have for any young readers of WRDM who may be looking to break into the music business?
A) I'll just quote my good friend Hunter S Thomson:
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."

Q) Growing up were there any local influences? Club nights, promoters, DJs that made you consider what you do now an option? Or did you look further afield for inspiration?
A) Late eighties / early nineties there was only one club in whole of South Africa that played electronic dance music... not that EDM shit but balearic, acid house stuff.
Thank the good Lord that club was on my doorstep. inspiration def came from abroad though.
Cox was a frequent vistor & I learnt everything from him. The rest is history.

Q) I know Christopher Lee's daughter. She works at the HQ of the local government organisation in Southwark where I also work to financially support my world famous blog, the Weekly Review of Dance Music. Do you know anybody, once removed or directly, who is more famous and as spooky as Christopher Lee?
A) Dennis is pretty spooky.

Q) Carol Lee Scott?
A) Who the fuck is she. one second let me Google. Ah ok. she aint scary and nor is pantomine. Get a life big T.

Q) I remember going to Very Very Wrong Indeed at The Key YEARS AGO and staring at the disco lights on the dance floor whilst a strange blanket of K wrapped itself around my mind. I began to ask myself some serious questions. One of which was, "I wonder what Tim Sheridan is really like?" What is Mr C really like?
A) Both fucking scary.

Q) Who would you rather see peering through your bedroom window at 3.47am, the Undertaker off of WWF or the ghosts of Fred and Rose West?
A) Neither to be honest. Anyway my pup, Maurice the Cockerspaniel, has a funny sixth sense so they wouldn’t get far peering through my window. He’d raise the alarm if they even just thought about it.

Q) Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A) Very good fucking question Mr T. One i have been trying to find the answer for a very long time. I mean they both have there pro's and cons....so it really difficult.
Stone cold sober is such a fucking bore & getting high is so much fun... but at cost, by which i dont mean financial but rather braincells.

Q) You have been a long time supporter of WRDM and I'd like to thank you. Could you insist on making mention of my blog to all of your DJ chums and further ensure that they spread my truth around the industry like a lady's legs before a delicious round of cunnilingus is performed?
A) Fuck you, Tonka.... that's your job.

What a lovely young man. By association, he's had sex with Madonna, and anyone who's been up inside her is ok in my book. Eh, fellas? Winking smiley face.

Do make sure you cancel any plans you may have tonight to support young Shane with the following:

Zombies / Cadenza Halloween party in London, England:

The (not) secret (anymore) Zombie afterparty; also in London, England:

Also have a read of his website. It's fucking brilliant: www.zombiesoundsystem.com

After you've done all that, do this:

Follow me on Tweeter: @tonkawrdm

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Email me things on email: tonkawrdm@gmail.com


One of my old girlfriends said some funny things. She used to say to me, "Tonka, I love elections", before reaching for the crotch of my jeans and slowly massaging my flaccid little penis into a 7 1/2" sledge-hammer. Her name was Ching Lan and we didn't last. She hated minimal techno and she loved fucking lots of other men.

It's election time in the United States of America and this is a Special Yee-Haw Yankee Doodle No Diggity edition for all my betcha by golly wow readers on THAT side of the pond (ocean). I was born in West Bromwich, I grew up in Walsall, I live in London and I've been to America once so you can trust me when I say this; America is simply the American equivalent of England in the United States. Know what I mean? We both speak the same language, we both love Hollywood films and we both know for certain that content removed on legal advice and all those who abide by content removed on legal advice and practice content removed on legal advice are a direct and very real threat to the safety of our children and to the future of our sensible and RIGHT content removed on legal advice. God bless the Queen!

Saying that, I couldn't give a shit who becomes the next Prime Minister of America because I keep reading about how China is the next big nation we need to ram our tongues under, but America brought us Jeff Mills, Swedish House Mafia and David Morales so we still have to show them all due respect.

The mission statement of WRDM is: "To tell others what to think", so, if you're a U.S American man or a female U.S. lady in America reading this and unsure of how to vote, let me break it down for you one time:

Mitt Romney showed us his boss dogg playa side last week. He's got money stacks higher than the ceiling and he's now bragging about his "binders full of women." I don't know what the fucking Hell he means but it sounds brilliant. Imagine that, lads; binders full of women. Whenever you get thirsty for a bit of rumpy pumpy (sex), you just crack open your binder, pull a woman out of it, do the deed ;-) (fuck her) and put her back in the binder. That sounds a bit too organised for me but, as I always say, horses for courses, as I always say.

Barack Obama went to primary school with Jay-Z and they've remained the best of friends. I've always been affiliated with the west side, Death Row and Crips so I've got beef with him already. Well, here's how we're gonna do this; Fuck Mobb Deep. Fuck Biggie. Fuck Jay-Z. Fuck Barack. Fuck Bad Boy as a staff, record label and as a muthafuckin' crew. And if you wanna be down with Bad Boy then fuck you too. Chino XL, fuck you too. All you muthafuckers, fuck you too...I've also read that Bruce Springsteen is campaigning for him! I'm not being funny but my fucking DAD likes Bruce Springsteen. I honestly don't know why people keep saying Barack Obama is cool. He's not.

Mitt Romney hasn't even mentioned music on his campaign trail but I read on Wikipedia that when he lived in Massachusetts he served as bishop of the ward and formulated Sunday services and classes using LSD scriptures to guide the congregation. That leads me to imagine that Mitt Romney loves a bit of gabba and/or psy-trance whilst licking hallucinogenics off of his missus' tummy whilst she lies on a church altar surrounded by naked wanking hippies.

Vote Mitt. All the squares in the media and the know-it-all clever clog bloggers laughed themselves to death over Clint Eastwood telling an empty chair off at Mitt Romney's Republican party television programme. The last laugh is on them though because, I imagine, Clint was off his fucking face and having a double top mega time...on LSD...on stage! A vote for Romney is a vote for rock 'n' roll superpowers, which is just what the world needs in the face of boring old China.

Mitt Romney - 9/10 (Winner)
Barack Obama - 6/10 (Second Place)

Furthermore, however, and more to the point, this blog is all about dance (music). American dance music has finally caught up with English dance music and, typically, they've looked at it and called it something different. Dance music in America is called EDM, which stands for Electro Dance Music. I don't know why they put the word 'Electro' in it because check out the roll-call I'm about to lay down, they're all tribal techno DJs! The best EDM DJs in America are called Skrillex, Roger Sanchez, Derrick May, DJ Sneak, Inner City, Craig Carl, David Morales, Kevin Saunderson, Richie Hawtin and Jeff Mills. Club Fabric in London really ought to snap these fuckers up to long term contracts and ship out the current residents on a free transfer to Electric Minds or something - sorry Mr Richards, but it's time for new blood.

To coin a well known American phrase you may not of heard of in Dalston, the nightclubs in the USA are bad ass. Here is a run down of their best three clubs, with marks out of ten, to help you decide which one to go to when you decide to take a weekend clubbing break over the other side of the ocean for clubbing in America with your mates, or wife, for the weekend.


Twilo is to America what Fabric is to Great Britain. If you want to hear non-stop techno in New York, a trip to Twilo is a must. Sasha and Digweed cemented the Special Relationship by agreeing to a 5 year weekly residency in the 90s. Between 1999 and 2007 you could hear Sash and Digs rockin' the Big Apple club without a care in the world. Progressive techno and tribal are the only types of music you'll hear in Twilo so if you turn up in your Air Jordan's expecting crunk or gangsta you'll be seriously disappointed.

Danny Tenaglia is to Twilo what Craig Richards is to Fabric. Danny T not only created Twilo, the sound-system and the programming of the night, he also DJs there every week. He is both the resident and the guest, and if you hate indulgent DJs stay away because you'll be lucky if he plays less than a 19 hour set.

Twilo - 8/10

The Electric Pickle

The Electic Pickle is the place to be if you want to rub shoulders with the likes of Gloria Estefan and Dan Marino on the dancefloor. Soul Clap and No Regular Play hold monthly residencies there and the music is as hot as the Miami sun that beats down on it's roof.

Slow motion house and green lasers pepper the atmosphere at this hipper than hip joint on the south coast. No trainers, no jeans or chewing gum allowed on the premises.

The Electric Pickle - 7/10

Studio 45

Studio 45 is situated on Downtown New York and Broadway next door to the place where James Brown used to sing every week in Harlem 49th and 5th Street, and is just left of parallel to Central Park and Wall Street on the A Train south of the Brooklyn Bridge.

If you don't like disco, don't go.

Studio 45 - 9/10

There you go. If you've always been unsure about America you can now go safe in the knowledge that Mitt Romney should be their President and Studio 45 is the place to go for a night out with an almost perfect 9/10.

WRDM will be back same time next Tuesday with a special Halloween...Special. Shane Watcha has kindly agreed and PROMISED to be filmed in all manner of hilarious set-ups, sketches and interview vox-pops EXCLUSIVE to the Weekly Review of Dance Music. A simple email interview with him or anything less than what we've just promised will be a MASSIVE disappointment, eh readers?

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WRDM Live @ Fabric's 13th Birthday Party

What now?


This week's MASSIVE QUESTIONS are answered MASSIVELY by a gentleman who has been involved in dance music longer than I've had hot dinners, Bill Brewster.

Bill Brewster co-edited the football fanzine, When Saturday Comes, prior to accepting a job in New York in the early 90s where he ran the DMC office. It was in N (New) Y (York) C (City) where nights at the Sound Factory and hanging out with Danny Tenaglia gave him the musical grounding you can still hear in his music today. If you don't believe me, read his artist biography on The Pool: thepool-london.com/bill-brewster

I met Bill on the terraces of Grimsby Town's Blundell Park this afternoon where we watched in dismay as The Mariners threw away a 0-0 draw to lose 0-2 to Dartford. At full time we retreated to the men's toilets where he was happy to answer my MASSIVE QUESTIONS...

Q) For anybody unfamiliar with the name Bill Brewster could you tell us who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A) I’m a record collector, music writer and DJ. During the week, I mainly write about music, either for magazines or record label sleevenote projects. I also do a bit of music production and put specialist compilations together for various indie and major labels. At the weekends I DJ all over the shop. In between that I’m a full time carer for two small kids.

Q) You’ve enjoyed an incredibly varied professional life. What single achievement are you most proud of in your career?
A) Writing Last Night A DJ Saved My Life with Frank Broughton. We knew it was a really good book before it had come out, and we felt that it had done something in dance music culture that no-one had done before, but we’ve been blown away by the reception and the sales for it.

Q) Was establishing yourself in the music/media industry an uphill struggle or something that just came naturally?
A) It was never an uphill struggle because it was never my intention to work in it full time. It sort of dropped in my lap, really, when I was offered a job at DMC after leaving When Saturday Comes. Music would have been a major hobby for me whether I’d managed to make a living from it or not, as it was before I joined DMC.

Q) How did you come up with the moniker, Bill Brewster? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with ‘DJ’, like a proper DJ (DJ Bill Brewster) or suffixing ‘DJ’ with something more exciting like ‘Bass Bomber’ (DJ Bass Bomber) or ‘Mix Monsta’ (DJ Mix Monsta)?
A) Bass Bomber’s got a ring to it, but I’m too old for funny names now. My name came from the school playground at Whitgift in Grimsby. A kid called Jim Coles used to sing this old folk song to me called Uncle Tom Cobley, which had a character in it called Bill Brewer. So everyone called me Bill Brewer for years. So it’s a made-up name, but an organically made-up name.

Q) One bar snare fill or a high pitched vocal “come on!”?
A) One bar snare fill, any day of the week. I’m a percussion fanatic.

Q) Presuming you still go clubbing – are you able to go out and enjoy yourself or do you find yourself over-analysing everything the DJ does?
A) I don’t get to go out that often, just because I’m DJing a lot, but I love it when I do get the chance. Over the summer, playing the festival circuit, I got the chance to go and hangout at loads of things and it was great being off duty, though inevitably, you tend to end up hanging out with other DJs also at the same festival ;)

Q) The Amazon review for Last Night A DJ Saved My Life (paperback) says that you and Frank Broughton “certainly know their deep house from their speed garage.” What is the difference between deep house and speed garage?
A) Well, one tends to have central heating and double glazing and the other is where you keep your porn stash.

Q) Carol McGiffin or Linda Robson?
A) Carol any day of the week. I used to watch Loose Women just for her. She’s funny and sexy. I like her.

Q) What advice would you give to me any young readers of this blog who want to make a living from writing about music and club culture?
A) Write what you know. Try and establish some sort of speciality or niche, but one that is something you’re passionate about. It’s really hard to earn a living from writing now, so I think you have to provide some sort of knowledge that is not widely available elsewhere.

Q) Did the people who made the film, When Saturday Comes, rip off the magazine title or did the magazine rip off the film (title)?
A) Actually, the magazine ripped off the Undertones song and then the movie ripped off the magazine. I’ve never seen the movie, but I’ve heard it’s really shit.

Q) Could I have a free signed copy of Last Night A DJ Saved My Life (paperback), please?
A) No. Buy one. Nice try, though.

Q) You are one of the few DJs I’ve seen who looks happy and relaxed for publicity shots. Are you ever asked to look moody and hateful by photographers or are they pleasantly surprised to shoot a DJ who openly enjoys their job?
A) Ha ha. No, they don’t.

Q) Curate your fantasy club night. What’s it called? What’s the line-up (dead or alive)? Where’s the venue? Is there a dress code?
A) Larry Levan, Ron Hardy, Danny Tenaglia, Ross Allen, Jon Marsh, Low Life residents at an all-nighter at the Cleethorpes Winter Gardens (RIP).

Q) One of the saddest days of my life was when Alan Buckley tucked Kevin Donovan under his arm and swept him up the M1 to Grimsby. Was that one of the happiest days of your life?
A) I love Kevin Donovan. He was a key member of the last promotion winning side we had in 1997-98 and scored the winning goal against Northampton at Wembley in the play-off final. Brilliant season, that was. We did a Low Life party in a gallery in Bethnal Green the night of the play-off final and my favourite memory of that is finding Steve Phillips, a Town fan and press officer who now runs Big Mouth Publicity, asleep, off his head with happiness under the table with the decks on. Happy days.

Q) Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A) I’m the terminator.

Q) What are your plans for the rest of the year? Is there anything at all you’d like to plug?
A) I’m currently working on quite an exciting little project with Pioneer. Can’t say any more than that, really, but if it happens I’ll be well happy.

What a lovely young man. Please join me in wishing Bill all the very best for his future endeavours. If you'd like to support his work in the near future you can catch Bill Brewster in Sheffield next Saturday with Onur Ozer at Dirty Little Secret. Bill will then be introducing the world to Latin Voodoo when Low Life returns to Corsica Studios in London on Saturday 27 October.

Buy tickets here: Low Life @ Corsica

Buy Last Night A DJ Saved My Life here: Last-Night-A-DJ-Saved-My-Life

Go on DJhistory.com here: djhistory.com

Subscribe to his podcast here: the-dj-history-podcast

I'll be back next week with either MASSIVE QUESTIONS to Lady Miss Kier, some music reviews or a Fabric 13th birthday preview. In the mean time, refresh this page, copy the URL and forward it to as many people you know before returning to this page and clicking on all of the adverts you see displayed on this page over and over and over again. I think that should make me some money which, after all, is the entire point of this blog...

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WRDM - Drugs Special / The Rest

Last week's ecstasy special was SO popular that as soon as I finished reading all three comments I knew that I had to follow it up with a detailed round-up of every other drug on the market. Me being me, Tonka, I knew that not all drugs are the same. Some send you up, some send you down and some send you round the bend. I've done every fucking drug under the sun so I know what I'm talking about. Back when I was the king of Camden and the west end people called me the King of Drugs, or the King of Drug Takers. Sometimes people called me Drug Man, or Man Who Does Drugs. On occasion, people have even been known to call me Da Drug Getter, or quite simply Tha Drug Seller. I was a face on the scene and no mistake. Yes, I was popping pills and snorting Charlie Chalk before you even knew what back, smack and crack was.

Here is an authoritative look at all the drugs what I've done:

Spliff. Tokes. Cannabis. Ganja. Sticky Black. The Chronic. Draw. PPP (Paper Peace Pipe).

I imagine spliff is fucking brilliant if you're a gangsta rapper in south central LA, smoking it by the tree with Dre, Warren, Snoop and Nate whilst listening to G-Funk. If, like me, you've only ever done it in Northolt with your next door neighbour, Glenn, whilst watching Match of the Day, it's fucking shit.

Spliff has never done anything for me. Ever. It takes too long to prepare and it gives you a headache.

Spliff - 3/10

Charlie Chalk. Coke. White Stuff. Powder. Confidence Dust. Synthetic Influence.

An older, wiser friend of mine called Jonny once proclaimed, "why pay £50 and get 20 minute bursts of high when you can pay £5 for a few hours of continuous euphoria?" He was, of course, comparing cocaine to ecstasy, and I have to agree with him. Cocaine is good in that it gives you the head rush, articularity articulance article talkability and confidence of e but in short manageable sniffs. This is good if you have responsibilities and have to get home sober after a night out on the trumpet. It is not good, however, if you want to party large time on a budget. If, like the majority of UK party goers, the credit crunch has hit you, I forcefully suggest you stick to e when taking drugs at the weekend. Coke is a false economy. You take more and more and more, spend more and more and more to attain the same level of fuckery as e. Spend £5 on one e and you'll get the same benefit over the course of a night than you would on a £50 bag of coke. By balancing your weekly income and budgeting sensibly, this course of drug action speaks and works for itself, long-term and over the weekly course of a week - monthly and then yearly. If it helps, set up an Excel spreadsheet and create handy worksheets to balance out and compare prices, benefits, yearly budget margins and cost benefit analysis charts to guide you through your decision process. It really is that simple, guys.

Cocaine - 5/10

Horse Coke. Special K. Mad Cereal. Ket-Ket. Bad Glue. K.

The last time I did ketamine I was rolling around on a floor in Bow, listening to Above and Beyond and wondering how the fuck I got there. I didn't know who I was, what I was, where I was, when I was or why I was. I'd been doing e all night and all of a sudden someone pulls out a bag of K. I do a line, sit down and 5 minutes later I'm trying to get off the sofa and onto the thick, Bergamo style shag rug for a lie down. As soon as I lay down I found it soft to the touch and comfortable. It felt like it took me an hour to get there though. Ketamine is unlike anything I'd done before or since. It was an odd experience. It made the music I was outvoted on and made to do drugs to all night actually sound interesting - I took Tiga's Mixed Emotions CD with me but they all wanted Above and Beyond, Tiesto and Van Dyke (who I don't actually mind). I remember being able to deconstruct and re-assemble a large section of a Tiesto live set on ketamine. I was pulling kick drums out of the air and placing them where the snare rolls should be.

Ketamine - 6/10

Aroma. Gay Assists. Pop-Pop. Fizz. P Brain. Uppers.

You can buy poppers legally, over the counter of any self respecting adult book shop in the UK. They are an aid for men and women who enjoy anal sex and an aid for men and women in clubs to take their high just a little bit higher. I absolutely love poppers when taken with e. An old friend from Australia introduced me to them at Bugged Out in The End a few years ago. It was about 3am, Jo Jo De Freq was playing an old Prodigy track and my friend squealed in my ear, "here, sniff some of this cobba." I shouted back, "what is it?" To which she replied, "poppers. If you do some of this now, your head will pop off of your shoulders and float towards the DJ booth." I took her hands which were gripping the small gold and black bottle and gingerly pulled her little Aussie hands and the bottle towards my face. I put my right nostril over the top of the bottle, pressed the left nostril with my index finger and produced a healthy sniff. Within seconds my ecstasy rush went a whole stage further. I giggled, hugged her and enjoyed the feeling of my head bouncing off of the low ceiling, travelling around the main room and floating back onto my shoulders. The rush only lasts about 30 seconds, but the £4 bottle lasts all night. It's also good socially - you make all sorts of friends in the club if you have a bottle of poppers.

Poppers - 8/10

Smack. H. Horse. Browner Downers. Anti-Coke.

Heroin is good if you fancy relaxing for a day or two. You've had a long week in the office, the wife and kids are stressing you out, the government are putting up taxes and YOU, the squeezed middle, are finally realising that one day soon you're going to die of old age. Why NOT shoot up and chase the fucking dragon? Despite what I said in this week's introduction I've never done Heroin - but I get the appeal. It's not super addictive for nothing. It's super addictive because it's super good and I would LOVE to try it, if it weren't so super addictive. When this blog takes off and I don't have to do proper work with people I hate to support a family I'm sure I'll have a dabble. So, until I'm being paid to go and review the Miami Winter Music Conference for DJ Magazine or Sonar for Mixmag, I'm staying off the brown. DJ Mag and Mixmag - get in touch, guys.

Heroin - 9/10

Mitchell Crystals. Crack Cocaine. American Nightmare. Phil Breath. East-benders.

Crack is as bad as crystal meth and booze put together.

Crack - 1/10

Magic Mushrooms
Fungus fun. M & Ms. Shrooms. Magics. Psychedelic Vegetables.

I've done magic mushrooms twice. The first time was lovely, the second time put me off for life. Both times I chomped them down with my mate, Robbo, in our palatial 2 bedroom rented flat in Muswell Hill. It was 2004. We were fresh faced newcomers to London. You could buy, like poppers, magic mushrooms LEGALLY in the street...in Camden, down the back of the market. The first time really was magic. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon in June - we eagerly ate our share and sat waiting for the fun to begin. After a while we began to laugh at each other's feet, a little while after that we saw a multi-coloured waterfall drip down the back of our TV. I looked out the window and the tree in the back garden was as vivid as I'd ever seen it. I was hearing elements in the Tony De Vit Global Underground Tokyo CD that I'd never fucking heard before. "That hi-hat wasn't as clipped the last time I listened to this", I insisted. Our cans of Stella suddenly tasted like it was something good, like Dr Pepper or tea. I loved it. Robbo loved it. We went for a walk around the block and bumped into Jesus outside Threshers. It was a beautiful day - one which I'll look back fondly on for the rest of my life.

The second time we tried it I heard the devil in my mobile phone, I saw Freddy Krueger's face EVERYWHERE, I felt evil, depressed, paranoid, there were thorns in the walls and everything was black and red. I went for a walk around the block this time and it felt like I was descending into Hell. I sat outside St James' Church and contemplated asking for saviour. I even thought about knocking on my Auntie Louise's door down Tetherdown before thinking better of it - my cousins were only about 6 at the time. I got back to the flat where Robbo was having the opposite time as me. I took a shower with Freddy Krueger then we all went to the pub to watch the England game. I didn't snap out of it until later that evening when I put a White Stripes DVD on.

Magic Mushrooms - 4/10

Well, by my reckoning heroin is the best of the rest in the drug taking league with an ambitious 9/10. Ecstasy remains at the top of the league with last week's perfect 10.

I've thoroughly enjoyed researching and writing this round-up...up. I do hope you've learned something by reading my words and please heed ALL of my advice at the next party you attend. I'll be back next week with some album reviews (Catz N Dogs' new Body Language mix, an upcoming Hot Creations album and a 4 hour mega mix by Acid Pauli on Crosstown Rebels).

Also in the pipeline are MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Bill Brewster, Lady Miss Kier off of Deee-Lite and a book review; Michael Winner's fabulous Winner Takes All.

Get in touch if I've missed any drugs out or if you have a problem with my scoring system.

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