I've been waiting so long for Anne Savage to answer my MASSIVE QUESTIONS I forgot for a whole month that I write WRDM weekly, not when I fucking feel like it. WRDM is my bread and butter, not MASSIVE QUESTIONS, not Medium Questions and not Twitter.

Speaking of which, I've had to stop using Twitter as much because I started writing more about dance music on there than on here, my home ground. My Griffin Park. Twitter, as far as I'm concerned, can fuck off if it thinks its getting all of Tonka's best lines. Twitter came into my life last year swiftly and full of confidence. She fluttered her eye lids, raised suggestive eyebrows and lifted two sweet smelling fingers to my nose. Twitter is a fucking slut who only wanted me for little bursts of Tonka Talk. I've had enough now and want to concentrate ALL of my efforts on WRDM, the true love of my life. My jam on toast. My rock and safe haven from the dangers and temptations of the online world. I'm not leaving Twitter - you can't, I can't. I have too many followers I'd be letting down (literally 197 - eat that, Ricky V) and I absolutely love my Biggie/Karl Kani wallpaper. BUT - I will not be slagging myself around Twitter like I have been. THIS is where I am best able to express myself. Twitter will now only be used for publicising my blog and brown nosing people who work at record labels and magazines.

Here's three reviews.


So, what's going on in the world of dance (music)? I'll tell you. LOADS. I'm currently sat here writing this bag of shit to Donna Allen's 1986 album, Perfect Timing. However, if I wasn't listening to Donna Allen right now, I'd be listening to Mind Over Matter by Fur Coat. This is an amazing album. I've run out of superlatives  for it so I simply HAVE to say it's amazing. Really fucking good stuff. It's released on 17 September 2012 on Crosstown Rebels and if you don't start queuing up outside HMV now you're a fucking idiot. Know what I mean? It's full of dance music, in fact I would say that every track on the album is dance music. Mrs Tonka went for a run earlier. I made her listen to it and when she got back I asked her what she thought. She lay back on our brown fabric sofa, slurped down her pint of Sainsbury's blackcurrant squash and wheezed, "it was relaxing, I like the beats and the samples. It wasn't just doof, doof, doof."

Mind Over Matter by Fur Coat - 9/10

Pre-order Mind Over Matter NOW or risk not knowing what it sounds like: CLICK HERE TO BUY A FUR COAT


I haven't gone out clubbing for ages. You can't when you've got a wife and kid at home. So, what I like to do is drink about seven cans of 1664 before perusing the Events page on Resident Advisor. I then sit there and pretend that I'm able to go to all sorts of club nights without having to worry about Mrs Tonka thinking I'm going to die of drugs and leave Tonka Junior dad-less. In August I "attended" the Loft Studios in Kensal Green. I had exclusive VIP AAA all night long and did not have to queue to get in. As I walked in Magda greeted me with a wink and a kiss. She then handed me 3 little pills (of ecstasy), Marc Houle gave me a bag of powder (of MDMA) and Troy Pierce bought me a can of Red Stripe (of beer). Perfect night...so far. What happened next was nothing short of awful. The promoter had promised me a roped-off corner to myself and whichever Page 3 models I pull. He didn't fucking deliver. Don't get me wrong, the music was awesome. I've run out of superlatives for the music being played that night so I simply HAVE to say it was awesome.

The trouble is, when you pull a Page 3 girl in a club you want a bit of fucking privacy for you know what. I had to get off with Carol Needham, Nikkala Stott and Cherry Dee on the dance floor in front of Magda, who I was intending to pull after she'd finished her set. It was a fucking joke to be honest with you. Embarrassing. Needless to say, I didn't pull Magda because she saw me getting a love bite off of Melinda Messenger. After dancing OUT of the club at 6am I had to go back to my 5 star hotel on Park Lane ON MY OWN with Keeley Hazel, Lacey Banghard, Vicki Hodge and Joanne Latham for a 5 star, 5 in a bed romp that lasted ALL NIGHT.

Down and Out by Items & Things at Loft Studios (4 August 2012) - 6/10


I don't watch much telly but when I do I make sure the programme has something to do with dance music. So when I saw that Channel 4 had a dance music night on the other week I simply HAD to watch it. I watched it with the woman who gave birth to Tonka, my mother. At the end when they announced that Ecstasy E Tablets were the number one thing in dance music she asked me if I'd ever tried it. I said yes and went on to talk about it in a manner that was far too enthusiastic for her liking. After she went to bed I watched some of that all night long thing they had on with Grandmaster Flash, Annie Fucking Mac, Erick Morillo and Horse Meat Disco. I turned off after 2 minutes because the fat twat who kept shouting at the beginning annoyed me. As I drifted off to sleep I couldn't help but wonder how jealous Disco Bloodbath were of Horse Meat Disco and where this beef will lead them...I woke up on Saturday morning and went for a run whilst listening to the O'Jays. Proper music.

Channel 4 - Dance Music thing - 2/10

I'm all reviewed out but back in the game, yo. For all ya'll who thought that Tonka sleeps, disregard the last couple of sentences of the Channel 4 review and check yo'self you lazy ass muthafuckers. There be some shit ass, wack ass muthafuckers in the internet dance music review hood who think that Tonka went away. Think again you bitch ass, slimy ass hood rat cock sucker muthafuckers you. I'm back for good, like Take That. Fuck all ya'll, switch.

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