Sing along with me, NOW:

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Weekly Review of Dance Music,
Happy Birthday to you!!!

WRDM is now a one year old. It's almost walking properly, it's shits are solid, it burbles stuff about mamma and dadda and it fucking LOVES playing Peekaboo. What a cutey!

So, how best to celebrate a birthday? I always like to celebrate mine by holding a sex orgy with plenty of female women, loads of booze, mountains of coke and I'd soundtrack it with my birthday present; each year my wife buys me the latest Fabric CD.

Unfortunately, I can't invite all of my readers to a sex orgy. What I can do, however, is bring a sex orgy to you.

"How, Tonka?"

Well, all you have to do is carry on reading today's post. It's all about SEX. I'll be starting off light with a couple of my favourite YouTube clips to get you in the mood, after that I'll be 'in the zone', spreading your legs wide and making you feel my words and opinions about dance music for what feels like forever and right at the end when you're about to spill over I'm going to make you read the last paragraph on your knees whilst I shower your face with white, hot cum...in the form of a mix I made. It's called Sex Mix 69 and it's a gift from me to you...my loyal, loving readership.

"Why, Tonka?"

Because I love you.

Clip 1

The Notorious B.I.G. feat. R. Kelly - Fucking You Tonight

This clip gets me in the mood every time. If you like straight up fucking then this is the song for you and your woman/man. If I were to put myself in a woman's shoes, I imagine the thought of Biggie Smalls slobbering all over me whilst R Kelly watches from the doorway is a MASSIVE turn on.

Clip 2

R. Kelly - Ain't Nothing Wrong With Some Bump and Grind

If you haven't bumped and ground with a chick/fella in a night club, you haven't fucking lived OR loved. This song is an R&B banger in every sense of the word 'bang' and every time I've heard Sandwell District drop it at Fabric I've pulled. Women LOVE this track and can't resist pushing their arses out and grinding it against the first male crotch in their bum radar. I've got off with so many women at Club Fabric to this. Cheers, Regis! ;-)

Clip 3

Paul McCartney - Silly Love Songs

Listen to the first 15 seconds of this song. It's mechanical, rhythmic, hydraulic sex in it's most base form. McCartney is illustrating the mid section of a highly charged sex session in that intro, giving the listener an insight into the way he was banging Linda at the time. Over and over. Again and again. Relentlessly pounding her from behind. Repetitiously giving her what she needs...meat.

This song is also good for tricking women into thinking you're a sweetie.

If those three songs haven't got you close to cumming, what I'm about to give you will send you over the edge. So, get on your knees. Come on. Come on, babe. On your knees. Now. That's it, sugar. There we go...I love you so much, baby.

In honour of WRDM turning 1 I'm ejaculating Sex Mix 69 all over your face. It's credited (by me) as being the first mix of it's kind to sit naked under the sex house genre. Download this, stream it, whatever you like, you dirty muthafuckers!

NOTE - you can't listen to this now because Soundcloud have taken it down for being TOO sexy and for infringing various copyright laws.

Wow. What a post! That was AMAZING, honey! If, like me, your average sex session lasts 45 minutes that'll be perfect for you. I need to go shower now so I do hope you enjoyed my online birthday sex orgy. I know I did. Best birthday ever! Winking smiley face.

Before I go, let me say this: you've drained me. I've ejaculated 3 posts out of my balls this week - Acid Pauli was good, Bloc 2012 was beautiful but today's post has sent me into another world. Pure pleasure.

I'll be back next week with more of the same.

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WRDM @ Bloc 2012

What a weekend! It's Monday morning. I'm at work. I'm writing the words that you're reading just hours after I've written them and I've got the biggest fucking grin on my face because THIS weekend was THE best weekend of MY life. Ever.

If you've been on another planet all weekend, or refuse to read the electronic music media because they're all the fucking same and each review and story is a carbon copy of a piece a boring journalist wrote for another website, then you'll be sorely unaware that the UK's best electronic music festival finished yesterday morning with a BANG. Yes, I'm talking about Bloc 2012. What a weekend!

Let's start from the start:

Friday night at Bloc 2012

It's not often you get a music festival with Richie Hawtin, Amon Tobin, Sandwell District, Carl Craig and Ricardo Villalobos on the same bill so I was psyched up when I arrived at the entrance. As I approached the bouncer he looked me up and down, so I looked him up and down back. He was glaring at me, bloodshot eyes popping out the front of his sweat stained face. I suddenly got 'the fear' followed quickly by 'the rage.' I threw my bottle of Jack Daniels to the floor and reached around inside my back pocket for Freddy Flick Knife. "If this zombie wants trouble, he's fucking got it. Nobody is stopping me from getting into Bloc 2012", I spat at a passing police woman.

Before I knew it I was in the main area dancing to Snoop Doggy Dogg aka Snoop Dogg from Tha Dogg Pound. From track 1 to track 12 of his one hour set he had me enthralled. You name it, he sung it. Doggy Dogg World? Check. Ain't No Fun (If The Homies Can't Have None)? Check. Gz Up, Hoes Down? Check. House Party (Interlude)? Check. Doggyland? You betcha! This was gangster rap at its very best and I loved it.

After Dogg wrapped up I trotted over to the Mulletover tent to see Steffi, Art Department and Jamie Jones. They were all exceptional and laid down beat after beat to the delight of all the punters on the dance floor. I left Jamie Jones to it at 3.55am so I could go and see Ricky V at 4am in the Resident Advisor Hub. This is the set everyone at Bloc 2012 had been waiting for. As always he kicked things off at about 110bpm and ended on around 145bpm. It was minimal techno at its very best and I loved it. Villalobos played this one track that sent everyone off into meltdown but I can't remember the name of it because a) I was on Ketamin and b) the MC was chatting too quickly for me to write down what he was saying. It was fucking good though, whatever it was. I think he was saying something about "losing your Rizla." If anyone who went to Bloc 2012 can remember this track, please get in touch.

So, for me, the highlight of Friday night has to be Richie Hawtin playing Yeke Yeke (Afro Acid Remix).

Friday night at Bloc 2012 - 9/10

Saturday night at Bloc 2012

Whoever said Sunday is the day of rest needs locking up in the loony bin. SATURDAY is the day of rest when Bloc 2012 comes to town. I spent all day Saturday shivering on Robbo's bedroom floor, drinking tea, eating bananas and listening to Chill FM. By Saturday night I was fully recovered, boozing, sniffing and listening to Global Underground Tokyo: Tony De Vit. In other words, I was ready.

Saturday night was all about two men; Gary Numan and Orbital. For one reason or another Gary Numan absolutely stole the show. He played hit after hit after hit. It was early electropop at its very best and I loved it. He played Here In My Car and Are 'Friends' Electric. What a set! Orbital then TOPPED Gary Numan by playing their greatest hits one after another. If you haven't heard Belfast on massive speakers at a festival you haven't fucking lived.

After Orbital it was all about the DJs. I saw Helen Alien, Martin, Lucy, Leon Vincent, Ceefax Acid Crew and Surgeon demolishing dance floors with their distinctive brand of multi-genre house depending on who you went to see at any given time of the night. I mean, have you ever heard of Lucy playing Acid and Ceefax Acid Crew playing German Cute House? As if. These DJs all have their own way of playing and you HAVE to respect that by not crossing boundaries and asking too many questions of them as artists and men. Know what I mean?

The final DJs of the festival (Helen Alien, Surgeon and Leon Vincent) were all so strong and desirable to me that I devised a clever plan to see them all. Not with me? Follow these words to the next sentence to find out exactly what I did. I decided to spend 5 minutes at a time in each tent so that I got to dance to all three DJs at the same time. I started off with Helen Alien, after 5 minutes I ran to see Surgeon, 5 minutes after that I legged it to Leon Vincent, then sprinted back to Helen Alien, thus completing the first lap of my three DJ dance circuit. I carried on this circuit for the next three hours and it worked perfectly. Helen Alien's brand of deep techno blended perfectly with Surgeon's banging techno, and that went perfectly with Leon Vincent's deep house. Vincent's deep house bled perfectly into Helen Alien's deep techno. It was a perfect plan and allowed me to dance to three separate DJs perfectly simultaneously. Who could ask for more?

Saturday night at Bloc 2012 - 10/10

So, was Bloc 2012 a success? Bloc 2012 was better than being sucked off by Lynne Perrie, Angelina Jolie AND Leslie Ash.

I look forward to Bloc 2013. All those gorillas who said Bloc had sold out by relocating to London from a fucking BUTLINS camp must feel like a bunch of fucking baboons right now. Bloc 2012 was a roaring success, it was UK electronic festivalism at its very best and I loved it. The only thing missing was a 5 hour Brandon BLOCK set!!! LOL out loud.

See you next year, Blocsters!!!





This week's MASSIVE QUESTIONS are piped live and direct through your monitor screen and filtered immediately into your eye balls from Germany. Last week, I travelled alone to Germany with one of my best mates, Robbo, to meet one of Germany's favourite musicians: Acid Pauli. Otherwise known (AKA) as Martin Gretschmann, Console, AC/DC Pauli, Atzen Paule, Homepauli, Japaner, Kevin & Paul, Kevin (45), Martin Console, Paul (42) and Tatzen Paule.

Martin Gretschmann has also been in the groups 13 & God, Anna Karenina, Heimkonsole, Notwist and The Toxic (12).

A little while ago in time he released Mst. It's an interesting album which I find perfect for writing my blog, the Weekly Review of Dance Music, to. It's out on Clown and Sunset and, in short, it's fucking brilliant. If you don't buy it straight after reading this interview you really need to take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask the question, "WHY don't I need this year's best down-tempo, ambiance sweating beast of an album on my iPod?"

Seriously, Mst is like listening to a lava lamp. In a very good way.

By the way, if any of my research turns out to be bollocks I'm telling you now and ADMITTING that I got all of the above info from Discogs. Write to Discogs with any discrepancies you want to highlight because I couldn't give a fucking shit. This post is all about the deep conversation Acid Pauli and I enjoyed whilst walking through the streets of Germany. We hit so many bars and clubs in Germany that evening that I can't even remember what fucking city I was in.

Read on and educate yourself:

Q) For anyone unfamiliar to Acid Pauli could you explain what you do, where you do it and why you do it?
A) I make club-related music. I play everywhere they want me to play and I feel right with playing. I make music because it's some kind of meditation for me.

Q) Your album as Acid Pauli, Mst, has been met with widespread acclaim, your schedule takes you to some of the best venues around the world. Has establishing yourself in dance music been an uphill struggle or something that came fairly easy?
A) It hasn't been a struggle that much, because I always played where and what I wanted. Somehow a lot of people seemed to like what I do and invited me to interesting places with good people. Also Acid Pauli has never been my only project in music so it always has been some kinda fun project...

Q) Growing up in Germany were there any local influences, club nights, DJs, promoters that made you consider what you do now an option?Or did you look beyond the borders for inspiration?
A) I am always trying to look beyond borders.

Q) How does the Clown and Sunset working environment compare to working on your own or in band situations?
A) I am not involved too much in the working environment, but it's kinda similar. Travelling, interviews, playing shows, studio...

Q) Open or closed hi-hat?
A) How about no hi-hats at all?!

Q) What can we expect from you for the remainder of this year? Any new projects on the horizon or does the Mst juggernaut trundle on in an endless flow of mundane interviews and soul-sapping promotional exercises?
A) Definitely not! Besides a new Notwist record we are working on at the moment, there will be another release I am just preparing...be surprised.

Q) Angela Merkel?
A) What can I expect from politicians who attend soccer games instead of doing their jobs?

Q) What is the best present anyone has ever bought you for Christmas?
A) A teddy-bear.

Q) How did you come up with the moniker, ‘Acid Pauli’? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with ‘DJ’ like a proper DJ (‘DJ Acid Pauli’)?
A) Acid Pauli started as a Live-act and thus never had the need of the DJ...later on I didn't think about putting the DJ somewhere...The name comes from my nick name "Pauli" and a friend who shouted "Aciiiid Pauliiii" while I was doing one of my first live-sets alone...improvising just with software, about 12 years ago.

Q) Do you prefer working solo or as part of a production collabo?
A) Both!

Q) What is Andreas Ammer really like?
A) How do you mean? He's a friend with whom I do radio-plays together. I think you can google him and you'll find a lot of information...

Q) Do you have any advice for any young DJs or producers reading this?
A) It's difficult without knowing what those producers want. If they want to become rich and famous I'd recommend reading KLF. If they want to know how to side-chain compress a bassline, I'd recommend reading the manual of the compressor.

Other than this, they can write me a mail with particular questions.

Q) ‘Hit Em Up’ by Tupac feat. The Outlawz is my favourite beef track. Have you ever been close to starting beef with anyone in the dance music community?
A) Damn, I am getting to old for this, I guess. I don't know what "starting beef with anyone" means...

Q) What is your preferred state: stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A) First.

Q) Have you ever met Ricardo Villalobos? If so, what was he like and did you get his autograph?
A) I am not sure, think I met him long time ago before he got famous, but the only autograph I have is Jeff Mill's on my 909 after he borrowed it for a gig.

Q) You look very serious in press photographs but I detect a hint of mischief in your eyes. Are the media demands for moody looking DJs appropriate given that the people who actually go to clubs do drugs, listen to their favourite music and have some of the happiest times of their lives?
A) I don't think about things like that when I am standing in front of a camera. I just feel more comfortable when there is no camera in front of me. Maybe this is the reason why I look that serious.

Q) Slow and circular insertions or fast and hard, piston-like thrusts?
A) First.

Q) Are there any plans for a 13 & God UK tour? If so, would I be able to get VIP AAA back-stage access and an exclusive interview for WRDM when you play London?
A) Sure you would, but there are no plans for a show at the moment.

Best wishes

What a lovely man. I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing Martin the very best of wishes in all of his future artistic endeavours.

I'll be back in the next few hours (24 or 48 hours) with a comprehensive review of Bloc 2012. From what I can remember (winking smiley face) it was a belter! You know that old saying, if you can't remember that much of what happened during the night before then you must have had a really good time at the party you went to? Well, that turn of phrase certainly applies to my weekend at Bloc. Find out what happened, what I did and what I thought about it all on WRDM soon.

These are the days, lads. These are the days.

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