WRDM10

WRDM10 is the tenth and final post by Tonka. Tonka would like to thank everyone who has read and enjoyed the Weekly Review of Dance Music since its conception in July of this year.

Unfortunately, the running costs for an operation of this size has proved unsustainable and the blog can no longer continue. In the last few months Tonka has had to sell his black Vauxhall Corsa, his taupe Ralph Lauren winter mac and has regrettably had to take up a second job as assistant barman in The Black Horse pub (Greenford) in order to honour contracts of employment made with two researchers and a personal assistant called Vanessa.



Tonka created WRDM as a way of becoming rich and, unfortunately, his blog is not as popular as he first told his bank manager it would be. His 6 month visitor projections proved false and revenue from Google Ads has been, frankly, negligible. His promise of regular sub-contract work for www.residentadvisor.net was, in fact, a lie and his father is not a wealthy and eccentric, unconditional benefactor; he is a security guard at the Birmingham Symphony Hall called Steve.

My friend has assured me that he has “quite enjoyed” writing about dance music for free, and at cost to himself, so it is with a heavy heart and a tear that he has come to the decision to wind down the Weekly Review of Dance Music and concentrate fully on his public sector office administration job and part-time local bar work. If the offers had flooded in from legitimate dance music businesses Tonka would not be in this position. All he wanted was to get paid big cash money for his outstanding dance writing abilities and an all expenses paid trip to Miami for the 2012 Winter Music Conference. None of this materialised and it has had a negative effect on both his self esteem and expected finances. Que sera, sera.


As a matter of fact Tonka’s imagination has dried up and, as a consequence, he has run out of fresh ideas and angles for communicating dance music information and serious review to the units who read and subscribe to WRDM. His blog is no longer innovative. He has lost the creative wherewithal and ambition to challenge the way dance music is perceived and discussed in the media, and thus his primary aim to use WRDM as a catalyst for sensible argument and personal gain will remain sadly unfulfilled.

He leaves behind a solid body of work (WRDM4 to WRDM7) and memories of a time when dance music was fun. When dance music was not about scenes and haircuts but about super clubs, strict dress codes and doing as many headache tablets as possible before going back home to your parents and telling them that you had “too much to drink last night.” Tonka reminded us all of a time when dancing to a kick drum, closed hi-hat, clap, sub-bass, synth, open hi-hat, warm pad, snare fill and a “come on” vocal for 12 hours was a laugh, not a gathering for wankers filming every transition on their mobile phones and ‘thinking’ about what each particular track was ‘saying’ to them. Tonka knew that dance music was JUST about having fun, and should not be compared with collecting stamps, looking at trains or going to church on a Sunday morning; only complete fucking dickheads take dance music that seriously, he once wrote to me in an SMS text message. I'm still not quite sure what he meant by all that but he did mean it.



An insight into the man: Tonka once pulled me to one side outside WHSmith in Crouch End and opened my eyes with his mouth. He said “ecstasy is called ecstasy for a reason.” I asked him what he meant and he looked around to make sure no one else was eavesdropping on the bombshell he was about to drop and simply said “they don’t call it dance music for nothing.” I spluttered and asked him if anyone else was privy to this. He slowly shook his head before spinning around quickly and darting towards Boots for his wife’s weekly Tampax lady tampons box. That was the last time I saw him.

It is unclear where Tonka’s head is at today. He faxed a photocopied note to me at the weekend and explained that he has “gone to Belgium for a while and may be some time.” This morning I received a Jiffy bag containing a cassette with the words 'Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be) by Tonka' scrawled on the side.

I have painstakingly converted the cassette into an MP3 electronic file, inserted that MP3 into the laptop I am writing this letter from and somehow manipulated it into this blog. If you have stereo sound on your listening device I suggest you crank it up to max and get a load of this:

Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)

Tonka's legacy will be a sensational song, an insightful interview and 10 incredible posts.

With great delight,
Draper

MASSIVE QUESTIONS to DISCO BLOODBATH: Damon Martin

NOW.

This week Damon Martin out of Disco Bloodbath was kind enough to invite me over to his west Hackney mansion for a cup of tea and a sit down. He was ALSO kind enough to answer some pertinent dance music questions that have been on the tip of my lips since I first heard of Disco Bloodbath, in 2005.

I wrote the questions and the answers down as we talked IN PERSON. Here they are:



Q) For anyone unfamiliar with Disco Bloodbath, could you explain its ethos?

A) I don't know if we have an ethos. The night started as a way for us to play records that we liked to our mates and continued naturally from there really.

Q) Was establishing Disco Bloodbath an uphill struggle or an overnight success? Discuss...
A) Overnight success might be going a bit far but I think we knew from pretty early on that we were onto something. The venue we started in had something like a 120 person capacity so it didn't take too much to fill it and it grew gradually over the first few months. We started in April 2007 and by November that year the place was rammed and we had queues down the street. 

Q) Explaining in full detail in one brief paragraph, how did you get into dance music and DJing?
A) I grew up in New Zealand and while dance music and clubs did exist there then, they were nowhere near the cultural force that they were in the UK. I was always into music, though, and my first DJing experience (loosely speaking) came from monopolising the stereo at house parties as a teenager. Clubs came a few years later and were initially a place to go and get off my head. After a while I started to pay more attention to the music being played and wanted to learn more about it which led to buying club 12"s and some decks and eventually to being asked to play at friends' parties.

Q) What are your plans for Disco Bloodbath in 2012? More than just a party?
A) We've been talking about doing a Disco Bloodbath label for a while now and I'm happy to say that it's looking like 2012 will be the year for that.

Q) Why do you like my blog? Do you have any suggestions for improvement? Where do you see me and my blog in 5 years time?
A) I like everything about your blog. One suggestion would be to consider hacking DJs' voicemails to get the really juicy stories. In 5 years time I think you could be the News International of dance music.

Q) How did you come up with the moniker 'Damon Martin' as a DJ name? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with 'DJ' like a proper DJ? Or suffixing it with something more exciting like 'Beat Masta' (DJ Beat Masta) or 'Drug Luvva' (DJ Drug Luvva)?
A) It took me ages trying to come up with a DJ name. Then one day I realised that I already had a name and decided to use that instead. I did consider both the 'DJ' prefix and 'Beat Masta' suffix but decided against them.

Q) Do you and Ben Piston ever DJ solo or are you ALWAYS a double-act, so to speak?
A) We DJ solo as well. 

Q) Are the rumours true about Ben Piston?
A) Yes.



Q) Do you have any sound advice for any wannabe DJs or promoters reading this?
A) There is a lot of technology around now that makes it relatively easy to start DJing out fairly quickly but it's as important as it's always been, if not more so, to spend time learning about the music and its history in order to develop a style and sound that represents you. A robot or a highly trained chimp can play this months 20 biggest tunes.

Q) Clap or snare?
A) Clap.

Q) Can you explain the beef between Disco Bloodbath and Horse Meat Disco? Is it a simple north/south of the river divide or does the cut slash deeper?
A) Horse Meat was always a big influence on us and we've teamed up with them for parties from time to time so there's not really any beef. However, sometimes I like to imagine that Ben is Tupac, Jim Stanton is Biggie and Dan Beaumont is Suge Knight.

Q) Gloria Hunniford?
A) Wouldn't.



Q) When you remixed that Franz Ferdinand track did you get to meet the actual band? If so, who was the nicest member and did they provide you with an autograph?
A) We didn't get to meet them but I've heard they're all very nice boys.

Q) Would you ever be tempted to sit in an actual bloodbath for charity? Such as Children in Need, for example?
A) I think that would be fine as long as the blood wasn't too cold. I hate getting into cold water and I imagine cold blood would be just as bad if not worse.

Q) What was your favourite subject at school and why? (Don't you dare say music!!! LMAO & PMSL)
A) I quite liked doing the experiments in chemistry.

Q) What is Nadia Ksaiba like in real life?
A) Nightmare. 

Q) I've heard that at Disco Bloodbath there is no dress code. What was the thinking behind this?
A) We all have terrible dress sense and didn't feel it was fair to expect others to dress well. 

Q) Do you prefer oral, anal or vaginal penetration?
A) I'm celibate.

Q) Would you be able to grant me lifetime VIP guest list entry to Disco Bloodbath or do I need to go through your management company?
A) Of course. 

Q) What is your preferred state, stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A) Terminated.



Q) Have you ever met Ricardo Villalobos? If so, what was he like and did you get his autograph?
A) I've never met him. 

Q) At Disco Bloodbath can punters expect to hear anything other than disco? Have either you or Ben Piston ever played a minimal tribal track? If so, how did it go down? (3 questions in 1 there that can be answered, if you please, in one paragraph)
A) We play lots of different kinds of music - house, techno, pop, synth stuff, whatever we want really. I think disco has always been more of a feeling for us rather than clearly defined genre. I don't recall playing any minimal tribal tracks though.

Q) Who is your favourite all time American stand-up comedian?
A) Richard Pryor.

Q) What's the big deal about disco then?
A) It's fun music. Everyone likes to have fun.

Q) When and where is the next Disco Bloodbath and where can the readers of this blog buy tickets?
A) The 10th of December at Passion on Amhurst Road with Piers from Soft Rocks. Tickets on the door. This is a muthafuckin link to the RA page for this event.


What a nice DJ. If any other big name DJs from around the DJ world want to be quizzed by me and answer my MASSIVE QUESTIONS, please get in touch.

Tweeter me on @tonkawrdm
Or email me on tonkawrdm@gmail.com

Alternatively, I will be approaching big name DJs for interviews in the near future.

WRDM10 will be cumming straight out of my balls in the very near future, so close your eyes.

Out.

T

WRDM9

Hello lads, I’m back.

WRDM9 has been a long time in the making because I’ve had to clear a lot of this article with lawyers prior to publication. Dr Tom Kyte of ‘The Blackhead Lawyer Shop’ in Wednesbury has now tipped me the wink and I’m allowed to go ahead with what is promised to be a ground-breaking post of a blog on this Tuesday’s weekly ‘Weekly Review of Dance Music’ WRDM blog post by Tonka, me.




In WRDM9 now.

The controversial nature of this week’s blog post is down to the demons that are currently possessing my soul. My personal hell is also the reason for the one week self-imposed WRDM hiatus. You see, I am going through a personal trauma most of you fuckers will never realise exist because, the truth is, when you stop watching soap operas your life becomes one…and I haven’t watched Coronation Street for about 6 fucking months. The sad bastards who read this shit will never experience true heartbreak. You will never know what it is to keep a devastating secret that, once released, will affect everyone around you and put their lives on a surprisingly different course. The lonely cunts who sit down and read what I write wander through life never having to make the big decisions, never looking at their options, and never choose themselves over what they think they SHOULD be doing. Tonka is a husband. Tonka is a dad. Tonka should be taking care of family life. Tonka should look himself in the mirror and decide what he needs. Tonka should be 100% sure. Tonka should be decisive. Tonka should be happy knocking out sub-standard dance words to thousands of dickheads who want to read them. Tonka should never have let his eye off the blog ball with the International Special. Tonka should be rejoicing in the love and happiness dance music gives him. Tonka should scrap his idea for filming himself. Tonka should do some more research and then pay an apologetic visit to the Birmingham tomb of Tony De Vit. Tonka should stop feeling sorry for himself, quad-drop a deadly cocktail of lager, ecstasy E tablets, marijuana and Special K Ketamine drops and think himself lucky to be alive. Tonka should STOP giving a fuck what people think and write from the heart. Tonka should name and shame the SHIT nights he’s had out clubbing and get on with ‘WRDM9 – Dance Floors Of Disgrace.’

I’m putting the ‘hate’ back in ‘blogging’.

Godskitchen, Birmingham 2000




Godskitchen is the little sister of Gatecrasher, and should be treated as such. With maximum disrespect. Back in the year 2000 trance was the music du jour for the clubbing world and, in the trance world, Birmingham was the pig-ignorant, backward ex-girlfriend of Sheffield, and should be treated as such. With maximum disrespect. Back in the year 2000 Draper and I took the 51 bus to Birmingham City Centre and spent the evening drinking and sniffing whizz in Flares, with an eye to joining Madders and co. at Sundissential later on. Upon arriving at Pulse we were informed that a reveller had just DIED of ecstasy on the dance floor and there was to be no more hard house at Pulse that evening. What to do? Bakers was about another 25 minute walk back up the arse end of Broad Street and we were already too jazzed to go to Snobs. So, we did the third best thing and walked down to whatever the name of the place Godskitchen used to be in 11 years ago.

We joined the back of a massive queue and fucking hell, this story is boring me already. Sorry. Next.

0/10

Hoxton Bar and Kitchen, London 2004




In 2004 I had a brief fling with a bird who only hung around with gay men and lesbian ladies. Her name was Katie and she worked at Selfridges. She had a brown bob hair cut and had a bit of meat on her bones. Know what I mean? She wasn’t great looking but she showed a distinct and immediate interest in me at a house party I attended in Shoreditch, and I’ll go with anything. I’d been to see Sasha at Clapham Common earlier in the day with my Italian drug dealers before heading into Camden for Bring and Share at The Enterprise. Bring and Share is now a bingo night but back in the day it was one of the best monthly parties in London. No question. I got learned how to do the drugs there properly. After B&S we went to a house party of a friend of the bloke who runs B&S, and as soon as I walked in the door this bird called Katie approached me and we hung out from there. Simple.


Anyway, Katie and I met a few times after that before going to The Cross. Cut a long story short, we did way too much and I was holding her upright by the morning. She was a fucking mess but we agreed to go out again the following night. I was to meet her in Hoxton Bar and Kitchen.



I’d spent all day with the Bring and Share crew at the Edinboro Castle dancing with Liam Gallagher, Tamzin Outhwaite and Gem and was trollied again. I arrived on time in Hoxton and joined the back of a massive queue to get in. I queued for over an hour to get into a bar I hate, in an area I hate to meet a fat, ugly cunt I only wanted to fuck. Still, I waited in line. In I got after an hour and a half of queuing and went to see Katie on the dance-floor. She hardly said hello to me, we spent the next two hours almost talking whilst fellas were pinching my tight, pert arse left, right and centre – I had black Lee jeans on that hugged the snug frame of my cute 24 year old shit box perfectly. I didn’t realise until half an hour in it was a gay night. So, I was miffed for having to come to Hoxton in the first place, I was vexed for having to queue up to get in and I now had the rage because my anus was getting lightly abused by men. And this bitch wasn’t talking to me. Around 1am she took me to the side and said “I don’t think this is working”. I went back to Muswell Hill in a huff and wanked myself to sleep. In a huff.


0/10

That’s this weeks lazy WRDM comeback special out of the way. This must be the worst one in the series so far. Sorry. Read WRDM 1 to 8 again NOW to remind yourself that I used to be good at this.

I’ll be back next Tuesday with WRDM10. It’s a landmark number so I’ll be in a better mood and will be celebrating with the showcase of my first hit single ‘Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)’ and an E X C L U S I V E interview with Dan 'Bloodbath' Beaumont, out of Disco Bloodbath.

Peace out, you muthafuckin' readership, you. Follow me on Tweeter if you want: @tonkawrdm

Tx