This week's WRDM comes straight from the memories in my mind. I'm reviewing ME, the club nights I've been to, the DJs I've danced to, the dancing I've done and the tunes that made me dance to the DJs in the clubs that I went to. I am a man of expensive tastes and I only like nice things, so only the best will do. I'm only reviewing the BEST nights out. Maybe one day I'll name and shame the shit ones. Keep on reading MY blog HERE every week for that one...

For me, dance music began when my mate Draper handed me a copy of Miss Moneypenny's Glamorous One. Everything about that CD screamed sexy clubbing; from the sexy cover, to the sexy inlay card showing sexy celebrities dancing and throughout the sexy tunes that pulsated through the speakers when I played it in my sexless teenage bedroom. I urge everyone reading this big pile of shit to go on eBay NOW (after you've finished reading) and buy a copy. Then, when it drops on your doormat put the CD in your hi-fi and listen to CDs 1, 2 and 3 consecutively. Miss Moneypenny's really was the place to go to when I started out. To that end, I review my first ever clubbing experience.

Sundissential at Pulse Birmingham - 1999

I used to work in an office bolted on to a motorcycle exhaust manufacturing factory in the midlands. I was a procurement clerk. There were two lads in the factory whose job it was to weld things together and I got on well with them - I can't remember their names but they were always late. I would read Mixmag on my break and they would always ask if they could read it after me. I was quite shy in those days so I would always offer it up before I got to the singles reviews. My obedience impressed these two rough factory lads so they took me under their wings. I knew they were into dance music and I knew that they went clubbing a lot so one day I decided I would pluck up the courage to ask if I could accompany them on their next big night out. To my great surprise they said they would be delighted for me to join them. The night out? Sundissential at Pulse: the home of hard house.

I was excited and bought a new pair of trousers for the occasion; a pair of green and black hounds-tooth Farah flares. Saturday night, I met my colleagues at the bus stop and as we boarded the 51 to Birmingham these two nutters double dropped. They shoved a few into the palm of my hand but I said, "no, its not my thing", and handed them back. They asked me if I was joking. I shook my head and said, "no, thanks, they're not my thing." They laughed, told me to fuck off and handed them back to me. I said, "please lads, it really isn't my thing. I'll have a drink and have a nice time but, drugs?, no thanks lads. Not for me. Mug's game." We clambered the stairs to the upstairs area of the bus and sat at the back. Half way through the journey one of the lads suddenly grabbed my arms and pulled my head back, the other one punched me hard in the tummy then pushed a pill down the back of my throat before threatening me with a serious kicking if I didn't neck 5 seconds of vodka. I took the Smirnoff in my shaky hand and knocked it back, swallowing whatever it was he popped on my tongue. Turns out it was an ecstasy E tablet because by the time we arrived at the queue for Sundissential I was THANKING these two fuckers for beating me up on the bus. They said it was for my own good and I really couldn't have agreed with them more.

I think the DJs that night were Ian M, Lisa Lashes and Mick Rafferty. I remember that someone played a hard house remix of 'I Am The God Of Hellfire', which I recall dancing very seriously to. I danced on the dance floor and then on the stage with a couple of old age pensioners dressed like a pair of rainbows. I spent the rest of the night watching dancing nuns on the TV screens dotted about the place and thanking these two scum bag factory dossers for making me do Class A drugs. I soon became a Sundissential member and Saturday night regular - I still have my card so I suppose I could still go. 8/10

Clandestino Monday morning after party in a Shepherds Bush jazz club - 2004

I was in London by 2004 and a regular on the 'dance party scene'. Clandestino was a Sunday night at The End and I only ever went once. I went with my Australian colleague and her Italian flatmates/drug dealers. I remember looking at loads of fit birds with massive sunglasses (indoors!), dancing on one of the podiums and seeing a famous celebrity sports man on the dance floor. It was clubbing heaven. Midway through the night one of the Italians asked me if I wanted to do the after-party where he was DJing. I said yes, and he asked me for £10.

I love London for times like this. We jumped in a taxi at 6am Monday morning outside The End and I'm a bit fuzzy, surrounded by Italians and fit women on our way to Shepherds Bush. We rock up outside a jazz bar that LOOKS closed. One of the Italians knocks 4 times on the door and it is opened by a bouncer asking us to keep quiet and sneak downstairs. We get downstairs and there are Technics on the top of a Baby Grand Piano, 2004 electro spilling from the speakers and loads more massive sunglasses. I even saw a woman sniffing lighter fluid. Class.

Midway through the morning I joined top class rugby league/union and England international, *****n ****a* for some cocaine in the bogs. 7/10

Tiga Sexor Launch at The End - 2005

We saw DJ Tiga before he was famous; he was launching his Sexor album at The End nightclub in 2005. Out of all my gang I've always been the coolest lad in it. None of my mates had heard of him before then but I'd bought Mixed Emotions from a shop in Notting Hill in 2003 just because I thought it had a good cover. The bloke behind the counter asked me if I wanted a brown paper bag to take it home in because, to be fair, it does look fucking dirty.

Anyway, that night was amazing. DJ Tiga played, Altern8 turned up, Erol Alkan was there and Speculoos Dance Squad played a set that really blew me away (are they still going??). 'Window Licker' mixed in with 'Around The World'? 'The Rocker' mixed in with 'The Beach'? It was like listening to a fucking 2ManyDJs CD!

DJ Tiga was brilliant that night. He played lots of his own stuff and quite a few records by other people. I love DJ Tiga. I buy all of his mix CDs and even tried listening to his podcasts for a few weeks. I'm a very big fan. My one gripe is that he has a lovely head of hair but always wears a cap when DJing out live. I think this is a real shame. I've been championing the showbiz element to clubbing for weeks on here and I think DJ Tiga should display the playful side to him that you see in his inlay cards, his Facebook posts and interviews when behind the decks. Frankly, on the job he looks moody.

I know for a FACT that Marco Carola would kill for a look like DJ Tiga in his promos. Sunglasses at night is one thing...take your bloody cap off indoors!

Anyway, I would say my dancing that night was wicked. I did lots of hands facing down movements, like I was pushing down bin bags. Also, my legs were like jelly because I kept doing poppers, so I think that actually helped my fluid jive. 9/10

Soul Clap v Wolf + Lamb at Phonica Records - 2011

This was a free late afternoon party in London's best record shop this summer with my favourite DJ combo. It promised free beer and didn't deliver but that's ok, there was an off-licence just across the road that I sent my little sister to. I still didn't pay for any drinks.

I've talked about Soul Clap and Wolf + Lamb on here before so if you want to know why I like them re-read all of my posts so far and you'll find out. I like Phonica because, unlike most record shops around the country, they actually employ friendly people.

I genuinely enjoy shopping at London's Phonica Records. I find the staff enthusiastic and knowledgeable, especially the grey haired fella who dresses like a teenager.

Stick that endorsement on your adverts, Phonica!!

The shop was packed from start to finish and my dancing was a bit fucked actually. I didn't have room to kick out like I do at Fabric. The slow jams ended around 9pm but they will remain in my brain forever. 8/10

That's me reviewed then. DJ Tiga wins with his 2005 Sexor night.

I was going to talk about some good times at Sonar and Bestival but I have a Festivals Special lined up for the future so I'll save that for then.

I might be away for a couple of weeks because...I can't tell you why. I just will, so BEAR WITH ME but LOOK OUT FOR ME in different places on the internet.



Ps. I now have a Twitter account because I heard some bird who blogs on the radio say you have to get on Twitter if you want a good blog. Fuck knows how that helps but I got one anyway. FOLLOW me on THIS number: @tonkawrdm