WRDM7

This week's WRDM comes straight from the memories in my mind. I'm reviewing ME, the club nights I've been to, the DJs I've danced to, the dancing I've done and the tunes that made me dance to the DJs in the clubs that I went to. I am a man of expensive tastes and I only like nice things, so only the best will do. I'm only reviewing the BEST nights out. Maybe one day I'll name and shame the shit ones. Keep on reading MY blog HERE every week for that one...

For me, dance music began when my mate Draper handed me a copy of Miss Moneypenny's Glamorous One. Everything about that CD screamed sexy clubbing; from the sexy cover, to the sexy inlay card showing sexy celebrities dancing and throughout the sexy tunes that pulsated through the speakers when I played it in my sexless teenage bedroom. I urge everyone reading this big pile of shit to go on eBay NOW (after you've finished reading) and buy a copy. Then, when it drops on your doormat put the CD in your hi-fi and listen to CDs 1, 2 and 3 consecutively. Miss Moneypenny's really was the place to go to when I started out. To that end, I review my first ever clubbing experience.

Sundissential at Pulse Birmingham - 1999

I used to work in an office bolted on to a motorcycle exhaust manufacturing factory in the midlands. I was a procurement clerk. There were two lads in the factory whose job it was to weld things together and I got on well with them - I can't remember their names but they were always late. I would read Mixmag on my break and they would always ask if they could read it after me. I was quite shy in those days so I would always offer it up before I got to the singles reviews. My obedience impressed these two rough factory lads so they took me under their wings. I knew they were into dance music and I knew that they went clubbing a lot so one day I decided I would pluck up the courage to ask if I could accompany them on their next big night out. To my great surprise they said they would be delighted for me to join them. The night out? Sundissential at Pulse: the home of hard house.

I was excited and bought a new pair of trousers for the occasion; a pair of green and black hounds-tooth Farah flares. Saturday night, I met my colleagues at the bus stop and as we boarded the 51 to Birmingham these two nutters double dropped. They shoved a few into the palm of my hand but I said, "no, its not my thing", and handed them back. They asked me if I was joking. I shook my head and said, "no, thanks, they're not my thing." They laughed, told me to fuck off and handed them back to me. I said, "please lads, it really isn't my thing. I'll have a drink and have a nice time but, drugs?, no thanks lads. Not for me. Mug's game." We clambered the stairs to the upstairs area of the bus and sat at the back. Half way through the journey one of the lads suddenly grabbed my arms and pulled my head back, the other one punched me hard in the tummy then pushed a pill down the back of my throat before threatening me with a serious kicking if I didn't neck 5 seconds of vodka. I took the Smirnoff in my shaky hand and knocked it back, swallowing whatever it was he popped on my tongue. Turns out it was an ecstasy E tablet because by the time we arrived at the queue for Sundissential I was THANKING these two fuckers for beating me up on the bus. They said it was for my own good and I really couldn't have agreed with them more.

I think the DJs that night were Ian M, Lisa Lashes and Mick Rafferty. I remember that someone played a hard house remix of 'I Am The God Of Hellfire', which I recall dancing very seriously to. I danced on the dance floor and then on the stage with a couple of old age pensioners dressed like a pair of rainbows. I spent the rest of the night watching dancing nuns on the TV screens dotted about the place and thanking these two scum bag factory dossers for making me do Class A drugs. I soon became a Sundissential member and Saturday night regular - I still have my card so I suppose I could still go. 8/10





Clandestino Monday morning after party in a Shepherds Bush jazz club - 2004

I was in London by 2004 and a regular on the 'dance party scene'. Clandestino was a Sunday night at The End and I only ever went once. I went with my Australian colleague and her Italian flatmates/drug dealers. I remember looking at loads of fit birds with massive sunglasses (indoors!), dancing on one of the podiums and seeing a famous celebrity sports man on the dance floor. It was clubbing heaven. Midway through the night one of the Italians asked me if I wanted to do the after-party where he was DJing. I said yes, and he asked me for £10.

I love London for times like this. We jumped in a taxi at 6am Monday morning outside The End and I'm a bit fuzzy, surrounded by Italians and fit women on our way to Shepherds Bush. We rock up outside a jazz bar that LOOKS closed. One of the Italians knocks 4 times on the door and it is opened by a bouncer asking us to keep quiet and sneak downstairs. We get downstairs and there are Technics on the top of a Baby Grand Piano, 2004 electro spilling from the speakers and loads more massive sunglasses. I even saw a woman sniffing lighter fluid. Class.

Midway through the morning I joined top class rugby league/union and England international, *****n ****a* for some cocaine in the bogs. 7/10




Tiga Sexor Launch at The End - 2005

We saw DJ Tiga before he was famous; he was launching his Sexor album at The End nightclub in 2005. Out of all my gang I've always been the coolest lad in it. None of my mates had heard of him before then but I'd bought Mixed Emotions from a shop in Notting Hill in 2003 just because I thought it had a good cover. The bloke behind the counter asked me if I wanted a brown paper bag to take it home in because, to be fair, it does look fucking dirty.

Anyway, that night was amazing. DJ Tiga played, Altern8 turned up, Erol Alkan was there and Speculoos Dance Squad played a set that really blew me away (are they still going??). 'Window Licker' mixed in with 'Around The World'? 'The Rocker' mixed in with 'The Beach'? It was like listening to a fucking 2ManyDJs CD!

DJ Tiga was brilliant that night. He played lots of his own stuff and quite a few records by other people. I love DJ Tiga. I buy all of his mix CDs and even tried listening to his podcasts for a few weeks. I'm a very big fan. My one gripe is that he has a lovely head of hair but always wears a cap when DJing out live. I think this is a real shame. I've been championing the showbiz element to clubbing for weeks on here and I think DJ Tiga should display the playful side to him that you see in his inlay cards, his Facebook posts and interviews when behind the decks. Frankly, on the job he looks moody.

I know for a FACT that Marco Carola would kill for a look like DJ Tiga in his promos. Sunglasses at night is one thing...take your bloody cap off indoors!



Anyway, I would say my dancing that night was wicked. I did lots of hands facing down movements, like I was pushing down bin bags. Also, my legs were like jelly because I kept doing poppers, so I think that actually helped my fluid jive. 9/10


Soul Clap v Wolf + Lamb at Phonica Records - 2011

This was a free late afternoon party in London's best record shop this summer with my favourite DJ combo. It promised free beer and didn't deliver but that's ok, there was an off-licence just across the road that I sent my little sister to. I still didn't pay for any drinks.

I've talked about Soul Clap and Wolf + Lamb on here before so if you want to know why I like them re-read all of my posts so far and you'll find out. I like Phonica because, unlike most record shops around the country, they actually employ friendly people.

I genuinely enjoy shopping at London's Phonica Records. I find the staff enthusiastic and knowledgeable, especially the grey haired fella who dresses like a teenager.

Stick that endorsement on your adverts, Phonica!!

The shop was packed from start to finish and my dancing was a bit fucked actually. I didn't have room to kick out like I do at Fabric. The slow jams ended around 9pm but they will remain in my brain forever. 8/10




That's me reviewed then. DJ Tiga wins with his 2005 Sexor night.

I was going to talk about some good times at Sonar and Bestival but I have a Festivals Special lined up for the future so I'll save that for then.

I might be away for a couple of weeks because...I can't tell you why. I just will, so BEAR WITH ME but LOOK OUT FOR ME in different places on the internet.

Before I go I have just a last couple of reminders. I still want to cover Miami for someone next year and I am still waiting for a magazine or website to offer me PAID work. Get in touch with your offers on this number: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

Out

Tonka

Ps. I now have a Twitter account because I heard some bird who blogs on the radio say you have to get on Twitter if you want a good blog. Fuck knows how that helps but I got one anyway. FOLLOW me on THIS number: @tonkawrdm



WRDM6

Keep on reading this Tuesday’s blog HERE because this week on this blog I am telling YOU all about (dance) music genres. Not everyone can tell the difference between West Coast G-Funk Rap and German Minimalist Industrial so I’m here to break it down for you. I’m going to be explaining each and EVERY genre of (dance) music. You will learn the history behind each genre, I’ll identify the big players who have either helped shape or push forward each genre and then I’m going to rate once and for all how good each genre is with a score out of ten.

In THIS week’s blog.

However, before I begin on the reviews I have to read out and write a SHOUT out to a young man called Asega Olima. This brave little fella wrote me a lovely email after last week's blog and I'm sure he won't mind me repeating what he said to the tens of you that are still reading today. He said, and I quote, "I love your work. I really fucking do." THIS is what I'm talking about when I say that the dance music community has one love flowing through it and THIS is what I mean when I talk about one love flowing through the dance music world. One love.

If we keep this one love flowing then I see no reason why dance music cannot overtake rock and roll as the most popular genre of music in the world. Who's with me?

As for me, keep tuning in, keep reading until the end and then tell other people about this blog so that more people get interested in what I have to say. Then, when I have a large enough profile I can work on building a portfolio that will go towards a global brand awareness in markets outside of the UK and inside Pan-Asian territories/America (USA). THEN, I can quit my office admin job and start making enough money to bring up my little boy properly.



DISCO

If it wasn’t for New York’s Studio 45 there would be no Club Fabric in London. That, we can all agree on. In 1973 Studio 45 opened on Upper Broadway and Lexington Road, and was New York’s first ever nightclub. Studio 45 was where Grace Jones and Mick Jagger famously got off with each other in front of a shocked Andy Warhol. It is also where David Bowie drove a HORSE, bare back, through the front door after losing a drunken bet with a young Sylvester Stallone. Beat that George Michael!

Disco is played fast and loose. There will always be a 4/4 kick drum pattern, lots of funky bass and a few uplifting strings chucked into the mix. Every disco track has vocals, usually sung by women, telling the listener/dancer to “get down” or “keep on dancing” (like we need telling, eh clubbers?!). The first ever disco DJ was a young New York University structural engineering graduate called Larry Levan. He was both the resident AND guest DJ every Friday and Saturday down at 'The Studio', as John Lennon used to call it, and he only had one deck. These were the days before cross-faders and Ableton Live 8 so Larry had to learn how to swap records in the time it takes to go from one beat to the next. That is why he is now known as Lightening Larry Levan because he got so good at swapping disco records on one deck. This is one disco king that never graduated to a pair of Technics. Never needed to.

After all these years Studio 45 is still going strong, albeit without the madcap celebrity shenanigans of yesteryear. As a club night it has influenced the likes of Horse Meat Disco and Disco Bloodbath in London in both musical choice and presentation. Larry Levan even makes the occasional surprise appearance at Disco Bloodbath via video link up from Studio 45! 8/10



MINIMAL TECHNO
Remember that bit in Star Wars when Obi Wan Shinobi tells Luke that he's his dad? Listening to minimal is just like that; fucking unbelievable. When I heard Ricky V drop 'Dexter' at Fabric in July it literally made the hairs on the back of my goose pimples stand on end because that track is the ultimate minimal track.

Minimal is not just played at Club Fabric though. Back in the day, me and my mates used to go to a place called Foreign Muck in Kings Cross. It was there where I heard a young foreign DJ called Boris Horel play a track that consisted of nothing but a kick drum and a low bass note every three beats for 15 minutes. I loved every second. Sadly, Foreign Muck was torn down after another Boris (Johnston) became Mayor of London and decided that there were too many nightclubs in Kings Cross.

Here's to many, many more years of minimal techno! 9.5/10



SHOULDER PAD TECHNO
Fuck knows. The Guardian Guide made this up in 2004 and have never explained it. If there is anyone still working on The Guide now that was around in 2004, get in touch and fill me in. 5/10


HANDBAG HOUSE
Handbag House is a genre that is as popular today as it was in 1994. Tony De Vit is the originator of this genre and introduced it to the world during his infamous 1993 Chuff Chuff headlining set at Nottingham's Thrumpton Hall. Handbag is a sub-genre of hard house and is identifiable by its high tempo BPMs, bouncy bass lines and, dare I say it, camp vocals.

A lot of people say that Handbag House is cheesy. I say that if you think dancing on a VIP boat to Dina Carroll at a Miss Moneypenny's party whilst dressed head-to-toe in white next to Sara Cox and Stan Collymore is cheesy then you're a fucking twat. 7/10



GANGSTER RAP
"If I got to choose a coast, I've got to choose the East. I live out there, so don't...go there." Those were the last words spluttered by The Notorious B.I.G. as he lay paralysed from the arse down after being shot in the chest by one of 2Pac's henchmen in Las Vegas. He later died in hospital from gun shot wounds.

2Pac died exactly one week later when he was stabbed up by members of Junior Mafia whilst rollin' through Brooklyn looking for Puffy.

Prior to these shootings, Gangster Rap was a fun, cartoonish place to be. Eazy E was never really going to gang bang your sister, Ice Cube was never really going to pull an AK off the shelf and Run DMC didn't really want you to kill cops. It was all a bit of a laugh and carry on designed to get up the nose of 'The Man'. With the benefit of hindsight, I would say that 2Pac and Biggie took things a bit too far. It's ok to say that you're going to make a brother eat pistol on wax but to do that in reality ruins it for the rest of us. The likes of Plan B and Tinchie Stryder should learn the lessons of history and NOT back up their violent words with action.

Musically, Gangster Rap is all about the samples. Dr. Dre openly admits that he would not have the first clue about creating a beat himself. He just raids his massive record collection, looks for a funky soul break, puts it on his sampler and then uses a computer to make it phat. Simple as.

Once you have the phat beat sample in place you need someone with a knack for rapping. Snoop Dogg, in my humble opinion, was the greatest rapper because of how smooth he sounded. Whilst everyone around him was screaming and spitting into the mic (mentioning no names, Busta), the Boss Dogg simply spilled out his rhymes like jam from a honey jar. He was incredibly elegant on the mic. 9/10


TRANCE
Trance is music that is supposed to make you feel uplifted. You speak to any trance fan and they will talk about how melodic and positive the whole experience is. They will tell you all about how much of a Mecca Gatecrasher is for life affirmation and positive human synchronisation. To be honest though, I could be in a club listening to The fucking Smiths and still feel uplifted if I'd taken 8 or 9 pills. Don't listen to people like Tiesto who will talk about Trance being a force for world harmony because, again, let's be honest, its all about the quality of the drugs you're taking. I've got a mate who goes clubbing and once he's sucked his first mint you don't see him all night - he fucks off to the darkest corner of the club to be alone. He's exactly the same at minimal nights, techno nights, electro nights and trance nights.

Eat that, ATB. 3/10



HOUSE
House is the genre to beat all genres. House is where dance music lives and breathes. House is the template for all other (dance) music genres to build upon. House is four to the floor. House is a religion for those without God but still in touch with their spiritual side. House is love. House is the house that Jack built for all of us to jack in. House is from Heaven and is made by angels. House is played at night. House is played on Sunday afternoons. House is for the head. House will take over your soul if you let it. House fucked Mary. Let house into your life and you will NEVER be alone. However new house is it has always been there. House was made on the eighth day. House is all around you. House does not need a bedroom to be a house. House has a heart that beats. House is for you. House is for them. House is for me. House is the house of God.

It's lyrics like that that make house music embarrassing to young folk looking for a genre of (dance) music to get into. Producers need to stop putting that kind of shit on their records because we already KNOW that house music is brilliant, we don't need some deep voiced American dude getting all earnest on us over a skip rhythm track.

House music was invented twenty five years ago in Chicago by DJ Frankie Knuckles. 10/10


DUB STEP
Fucking shit fad for Hackney nerds and wankers who listen to Radio 1. A clap or a snare on the three? Not for me, mate; keep it two and four. 1/10

There you go, that's dance music sewn up. House wins with a perfect Tonka ten out of ten. Thanks for reading, hope you learned a few things or two.

Before I go to breakfast, I'm deadly serious about wanting to go to Miami to cover next year's Winter Music Conference (SEE WRDM5). I've had no contact with ANYONE from RA, Minimal Messages (mmnmmsgs) or Mixmag yet. So, DJ Magazine, the door is still open. Get in touch with me at tonkawrdm@gmail.com to discuss travel, ticket arrangements and wages before some other publication gets in first.

I am a top class writer when it comes to dance music and would/will be a very interesting voice amongst all of the shit that usually gets written about these types of things.

Next Tuesday I'm reviewing ME. You'll get the full lowdown on some of the best nights out clubbing I've ever had in London and across Spain.

Forever yours,
Tonka

WRDM5

Fellas. Break out your best chat-up lines, splash on some Joop and shave your balls because this week’s WRDM blog is called 'WRDMWomen' BECAUSE we’re talking lady DJs. Women DJs are everywhere now, you see them playing in bars, nightclubs and pubs all over Europe. I’ve never seen a lady wedding DJ but its only a matter of time.

For a period in the late nineties you couldn’t move for women DJs called Lisa. I don’t know anyone apart from Lisa Lashes that has survived from that group. It would be interesting to know where Lisa Loud, Lisa Pin-Up, Lisa L’Anson and DJ Lisa have ended up. Ping/drop me an email if you find out, readers!

Before we crack on with the reviews let me tell you a true story about forbidden, teenage lust...

Back when I was in the 2nd year at secondary school I had a mate called Draper. He had a black bomber jacket with the Cream logo stitched into the back and he STILL didn’t dip his wick until he was 22. Can you believe it? Anyway, he knew his stuff and was always giving me DJ mixes. One morning during maths he slips something my way, I put it on my desk, looked down and saw a CD with a beautiful blonde woman’s face staring back at me. I didn’t have time to read who it was because I had to quickly put it in my bag as Mrs Ramsay kept looking over at me – I’d already been in trouble that morning for chucking a Bunsen burner at Mr Simpson in Physics – but I had this woman’s face locked down. She was in my head and I couldn’t shake the feeling of absolute longing for her. I felt sick in my stomach because I still had three more lessons before the end of school.


Maths dragged on and all I could see was this mysterious blonde bird amongst all the equations. French went by slowly and all I wanted to do was whisper dirty French words in this blonde piece’s ear hole. Finally, PE arrived and I was able to have a very quick, sneaky wank in the bogs over the thought of me and this sexy blonde DJ from Draper’s CD doing sexy, filthy gymnastics together. I done her from behind and I couldn’t wait to get home so I could do her again properly whilst looking at the inlay card.

So, I’m the first one on the school bus aching to get home. It feels like the longest bus journey ever – it literally felt longer than the one Nelson Mandela took on his long road to freedom.

I got home, shot through the door and legged it straight upstairs. I grabbed a load of bog roll from the bathroom, skidded into my bedroom on one foot and landed on my bed. I chucked the bog roll down, shouted to my folks that I “feel unwell and need a lie down” and then locked the door behind me. I took my trousers off, then peeled my pants down, my hips making slow circles until the pants were round my ankles. I was half naked. I could feel Jo Guest’s eyes burning into the sledge hammer between my legs from the poster on the ceiling. I took my blazer off, unbuttoned my shirt until you could see the white t-shirt I had on underneath and knelt on my bed. I wanted to savour this one so I thought back to this gorgeous blonde DJ from maths and how good a time we had in PE as I slowly took the CD from my bag.

I closed my eyes and put the CD in front of me, I was ready for action. I opened my eyes, looked down and saw this dream woman looking up at me again. I smiled a really dirty smile and read the words on the cover...


'DJs At Work Volume 3: Jon of the Pleased Wimmin.'


I went fucking BANANAS and scratched my fingers through Jay Kay’s smirking face on the Jamiroquai poster hanging on the wall. I then got dressed and went down stairs for a cup of tea in a right fucking mood.

I never did listen to that CD.

Not all women DJs are transvestites though. Here are a few of my favourite DJs with attitudes.

Miss Kittin. Miss Kittin is a former girlfriend of Felix The Housecat and it was during their time together in America that he taught her how to mix. Miss Kittin has tattoos all down her arms and talks over all of the records she plays (typical woman! LOL). I’ve seen her at Sonar twice and once at Bugged Out! in 2004, each time she has impressed me with her fashion sense, tits and track selection. 7/10




Tania Volcano. This little Peruvian pocket rocket is famous for being the only female DJ to grace the famous Circo Loco decks in Ibiza AND London. She has long brown hair and plays her house music deep. Sometimes all you can hear is the kick drum, bass and clap when she breaks it all down for you. Not even a hi-hat. I’ve seen her once and my mate has seen her thrice. 5/10




Helen Alien. This East German babe is unique. She has a boring first name and a futuristic surname, and she ONLY plays futuristic tunes. My man in the know tells me that she only plays white label vinyl and only plays each record once before throwing it away. More money than sense? Yes. Her dad is the current director of music at the Royal Opera House in London. 9/10 (I love posh birds)




Maayan Nidam. Apart from Lisa Pin-Up, this is probably the fittest woman DJ on the circuit. She is a brunette, looks like that Magnum model from the late nineties, lives in New York but, unfortunately, goes out with Wolf from Wolf + Lamb. Maybe one day I’ll get my wish and she will Fitz me in to her life. 10/10





Kerri Chandler. This is the first woman of Detroit house and she laid the foundations for ladies like Maayan Nidam to get actively involved in our dance music world. I always thought that she must be fucking brilliant because of all the hype but I just read on Wikipedia that she PRAYS before making each record. I don’t mean to knock a legend like Kerri Chandler but if she needs to pray before making records does she really have that much faith in her own abilities? I don’t know what she looks like, what kind of figure she has, I’ve never seen her play live and I couldn’t name one of her tracks but I see her name on flyers a lot and I know she was there from the beginning so I have to respect that. Saying that, so has Derrick May and, in my humble opinion, he is just a big loud-mouth American show off who can’t build a bridge that its not 1987 anymore. So what if you gave Carl Craig a job? Carl Craig was ALWAYS going to make it big in this game. You were just a stepping stone, mate. A fucking stepping stone! You can’t keep living off of ‘Strings’ all your life, baby. Derrick, you better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. This is how I do it on my side of the pond. In fact, any of you fake ass mutha fuckers from Detroit that wanna bring it, bring it because I aint singing, I’m bringing drama. Fuck you and your mutha fucking mama. I know I’m paraphrasing 2Pac but he is one of my favourite rappers and it is the only way I can truly vocalise my feelings about this. Sorry Mrs Chandler, but it’s a 1/10 from Tonka.





Rant over! PMSL

So, that’s my review of lady DJs out of the way. We can get onto some serious stuff next week. I’m breaking things down and explaining genres in next Tuesday’s weekly blog. Not everyone can tell the difference between hip-hop and techno so Tonka here is going to simplify things. Tune in next Tuesday…

Before I go, if there is anyone out there reading this who wants to take me to Miami to cover the Miami Music Festival in 2012 email me on tonkawrdm@gmail.com. I’ve got chatting to a bird out in Miami on one of them sex chat room forums and, as I cant afford to pay for plane tickets or festival tickets (accommodation wont be a problem, I’ll be in her dormitory), I’d be more than happy to WORK for somebody out there so that I can see her in person.Covering letter is as follows:

I write the best reviews about things and am deadly serious about dance music, DJs and dancing in hot places. I write regularly in the Resident Advisor forums and it is my ambition one day to be one of their best and most popular feature writers. 99% out of a 100 people agree with what I have to say when I’m talking about dance music so I feel I would be a benefit to your company should you choose to base me in Miami for the length and duration of next year’s festival.

I studied for, and obtained, 3 Cs in my GSCE English exams so you will not have to employ a proof reader.

Yours sincerely,
Tonka

Email me at tonkawrdm@gmail.com for my full name and mobile number should you need to confirm flight details by phone.