This week’s WRDM is a special one from the White Island. Ibiza. Slap on your sun cream, lie back, drink a massive jug of Sangria, drop some pills and get yourself a blow job off a Geordie slapper because we’re in the White Isle. Ibiza, Spain.

As I said earlier in this week's blog, this week’s WRDM is an Ibiza special from the White Island, Ibiza. I’m talking Ibiza, Ibizan music, Ibizan birds and Ibizan clubbing and Ibizan sunsets on Sunset Beach, Ibiza. My mate (who will remain nameless! LOL) got back from there the other day and he said he had the best time. Out of the nine lads who went he said he pulled the most birds.

Despite what you might think though, Ibiza is not JUST about the birds you can pull. Ibiza is the spiritual home of dance music. This little White Island off the western coast of Spain is where house music started, house music remained and where house music will continue to live. You don’t get more house than Ibiza so I’m fucking psyched to be doing a review about it.

My mate said he went he went to 3 nightclubs and loads of bars. The night clubs he went to were Circo Loco, Space on Sunday and Manumission. He said the best three bars were Café Mambo, Café Del Mar and Cheers Karaoke Bar in San Antonio. He didn't pull in either of the two Cafés but he pulled loads in Cheers. One night he pulled a Scouser, got back to her apartment, done her from behind, fell asleep and when she got up in the morning to wash the crusty spunk off her arse he legged it back to the hotel in just his pants where he got a standing ovation of applause from his mates!! Fucking legend, mate. Legend.

Right, lets get cracking.

As the name suggests, Circo Loco is a night club with a twist. The two promoters come from a family of clowns and they have drawn from their Romanian Circus childhood to create an Ibizan brand synonymous with mucking about. These crazy bastards put the NIGHTclub on during the DAY on a Monday. Who goes clubbing on a Monday afternoon?? Honestly, my mate said he'd never seen anything like it.

It gets fucking stupid before you've even paid entry. Apparently you get handed a big red clown wig at the door and if you don't put it on the bouncer can refuse access. You HAVE to wear the red wig to get through the doors, but once you're in you're allowed to take it off. Sounds fucking weird to me - gone are the days when a nice pair of trousers and shoes would guarantee you entry. I suppose foreign clubs just have different rules.

Anyway, get inside Circo Loco nightclub and you are hit by non-stop beats. This place is pure, wall-to-wall house music, women and drugs. Even the DJs are women. My mate said that when Tania Volcano was on his mate asked one of their mates to go and get some gear. My mate's mate's mate couldn't move for 15 minutes because Tania V was playing some music that he literally couldn't stop dancing to. If anyone can identify this track, please get in touch because it sounds trippy as fuck; my mate said it was a standard 4/4 kick drum pattern with a clap on the 2 and a snare on the 4. This was a 2 bar phrase looped - the second phase of the phrase had a snare on the 2 AND 4. The bass line was sub and had a LOT of side-chain compression (linked with the kick). It had a closed hat spilling throughout every beat and a "dance with me" vocal that was repeated every bar. It sounded tribal, had lots of toms echoing through it and every 16 bars there would be a simple lead minor chord pad that would run BACKWARDS. I would love to get my hands on an MP3 version of this if anyone can help.

So, this track finishes and my mate could stop dancing long enough to go and get some E tablets. Usually, you're walking round like a lemon in UK clubs looking shifty and asking moody looking fuckers if they're selling. I always feel a bit sordid doing that, especially when I ask someone and they look down their nose at me and say "no". When you eventually do find someone selling you get absolutely no customer service; you get scowled at, they don't maintain eye contact, won't do banter AND they don't do change. I only carry on buying them because they make me feel really good about myself.

I'll tell you something while I'm at it, why oh why oh why don't UK clubs stop kidding themselves and admit it. Yes, we are a nightclub. Yes, we are open until 8am the next day and the only reason these kids keep turning up, missing bedtime and dancing until chucking out time is because we have a load of fucking drug dealers indoors knocking out illegal high Ecstasy pills. In Circo Loco, my mate said there were blokes dressed as clowns wearing big purple badges with the word "CHEMIST" on them in big white letters! They were knocking faze tabs out happy as Larry. No one batted an eye lid. He met jolly looking dealers from Argentina, Spain, France and Moscow, and every single one of them smiled and looked like they were having just as good a time as their punters. It makes a fucking difference. I know the powers that be in our so called country don't like a sensible drug debate but they need to compare and contrast Circo Loco in Ibiza with The Egg in Kings Cross and sort out some kind of middle ground because I'm seriously considering moving to Ibiza. "Goodbye Tonka UK tax revenue". Sorry lads, I'm getting all political. Let's get back to the tunes...

You can't go to Ibiza without experiencing the experience that is the Manumission experience. My mate said that as soon as he walked through the front door he saw a midget woman being fingered by the bald headed promoter whilst his missus fingered him with his other finger as an amputee was squeezing her arse with his wrists! Can you believe it? This wasn't even part of the famous Manumission Sex Show on stage - he said this was just by the cloakroom amongst the punters.

Manumission is all about superstar DJs playing techno whilst the bald headed promoter and his missus make love on stage with dwarfs who can suck their own dicks. Not my kind of thing but its 2011 and I'm willing to go with the flow. Loco Dice was playing at this particular night and, my mate couldn't say for sure, but he was 99% certain that he was getting a blow job beneath the decks. Said he was pulling some fucking peculiar faces during mixing.

Space on Sunday is where it all kicks off. Space on Sunday is on the Sunday in Ibiza and it's where it all kicks off for the clubbers who like to party. My mate got in and bought some cheeky salt off a bloke who he thought was Brandon Block. It wasn't him though. Carl Cox plays here every week on the Sunday throughout the Ibiza season and, let me tell you this, he absolutely tore the roof off of Space on Sunday! My mate said he was playing stuff like The Prodigy, Basement Jazz, Carl Cox, Miss Kittin and tons of white labels; stuff he'd never heard before. "When you watch the famous Ibiza sunset from the Space on Sunday courtyard you are watching a slice of Heaven descend directly from God in Heaven and into the Spanish Sea on Earth - there is no Hell and we are one body, one life and one humanity travelling through the Universe". Pretty heavy stuff but they're not my words, they're the words of this Scottish bloke my mate got chatting to after dropping his seventh pill.

So that's the Ibiza CLUB review. 9/10 from Tonka.

I'd highly recommend getting yourself over there. I'm hoping to get there myself one year. Maybe if I can save a few quid I'll pop over in 2012 and see what the future of dance holds for 2013.

I'll be back next Tuesday with a normal font and layout (I wanted to spice things up for the Summer Special). Not sure what I'm writing about yet but will let you know in next week's WRDM blog.



PS. 'Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)' is almost finished. Will be hitting the net SOON.


This week’s Weekly Review of Dance Music is all about dance music reviews. I’m reviewing a recent night out I had at Fabric, I’m reviewing a new music production software called Ableton Live 8 and I’ll also be reviewing the new DJ Kicks album by Soul Clap and Wolf + Lamb.

However, before I kick off this week’s weekly instalment I need to say a few words about the troubles that have rocked London, Birmingham, Manchester and Clapham over the last few days. WRDM is in no way affiliated with ANYONE involved in rioting. If I find out that ANYONE involved in looting shops and mugging people’s hard earned houses is reading/subscribing to this pile of shit I write EVERY WEEKEND I will personally lump hammer the fucker’s kidneys in, find out where their families be and do unto them as I have previously done unto you and then repeat it over and over and over again. I’m fucking serious about this. I do not tolerate violence or anti-social behaviour of ANY kind. This website is about peace, love, forgiveness, understanding and dance music.

Rant over. ;-)

Review 1

I was at Club Fabric at the end of July to see my all time favourite DJ, Ricky V (otherwise know to his fans as Ricardo Villalobos). I’ve heard people say that RV is the only DJ who really knows what all the buttons do on the famous Fabric sound-system control decks. As this was my first time seeing him play live I was eager to see if the story was true. As soon as he played his first record, ‘Times R Hard’ (Knot Blog Vocal Dub) by Fighting Charity, I could tell that this mother fucker is a serious mother fucking DJ. He was playing around 130bpm to kick his set off so I knew that the next 2 hours were only going to get harder. Me and my mates were rubbing our hands together! After that he just played track after track of pure dance music. I spent the whole 2 hours sat at the back of the stage rubbing Ketamin into my gums – it was honestly one of the best sets I have ever heard a techno DJ play. I’m not sure what bpm he was up to by the end of his set but the lad I was sat next to said it was about 141.

I can’t talk about Fabric without mentioning the fantastic job the lighting guys do in Room 1. Throughout the night there were strobe lights and green lasers flashing to the beat. I’d even, if pushed, go as far as to say the famous Fabric strobe lights are just as important as the music insofar as and inasmuch as it could be stone silence in there on the dance floor but if the strobe lights keep on flashing then I can comfortably agree with myself when I say this that I would definitely still be tripping my head in with or without the music being played in Room 1, depending on who I was with and how fast the strobe light was flashing, beats or not.

After Ricky V finished his set we listened to a bit of Craig Richards before fucking off back to our flat in Muswell Hill for some afters. We played the Jacques Lu Cont Fabric CD, the Stacey Pullen one, the Andrew Weatherall one and then the Dave Clark Electro CD from World Service 1. I could talk about how good those four CDs are all day.

Ricardo Villalobos at Fabric = 10/10

Review 2

I’ve recently bought myself a new laptop from Dixons. It’s a silver Sony Vaio, running XP on top of Wi-Fi. I’ve got Virgin broadband at home which I use for browsing the internet. Laptops are fucking brilliant – you can pretty much do anything you want on them. Now you can even make dance music! Ableton is a clever new company that has come up with software that allows you to produce dance music on laptops. It’s properly unbelievable stuff. A mate of mine who knows about this kind of stuff was telling me about it so I ‘Googled’ Ableton and went to buy a copy. The only negative aspect of Ableton Live 8 is the price. It is over £300. Nobody is going to pay that amount of money for software so I took another look at the price and ‘Googled’ some illegal copies.

Once I’d downloaded it to my laptop I was well impressed. The standard background colours are a classy mixture of grey and black; it really makes you feel like a proper DJ/producer. In the middle of the screen you have spaces to put instruments in – this is called ‘Session View’. Here you can adjust volume, fades and panning easily by moving the lines underneath each instrument. Instruments are in folders at the side of the screen – there are drum kits, synthesizers, pianos, pads and all sorts of other bits and pieces. Once you have your instruments in place you can start making dance music (another draw back is that you can’t change the standard 120bpm).

If you press TAB on your keyboard it takes you to the ‘Arrangement’ screen. This is where you can record what you’re playing through the instruments and arrange the track you’re working on. In this screen you can add effects like echos, beat repeat and reverb. The depth of stuff you can do in Ableton Live 8 is just fucking deep. You can drop the bass, cut the middle and lose all the treble if you want to. This piece of kit is only for the hard core music nerds.

I’m working on my first track on Ableton at the moment. It’s a 136 bpm banger called “Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)”. Look out Top of the Pops!! LOL.

So, overall I would give Ableton Live 8 an 8/10

Review 3

As you know, my main music is minimal techno. That is my bread and butter. What you fuckers didn’t know though is that I am also a massive gangster rap fan. Biggie Smalls is the illest.

So, what do you get if you mix minimal techno and gangster rap? Wolf + Lamb v Soul Clap DJ Kicks Volume 7 on the DJ Kicks label. This CD has kept me going over the summer. I probably listen to it 3 times a week. It starts off slow, gets a bit slower here and there and ends on a mid/slow house jam. Its about 90 minutes long and is mostly house.

What I like about Soul Clap and Wolf + Lamb is that they play pop, rap and house all in one go, at the same time. NO ONE has ever done this before – which is why I find their whole shit so da bomb. Know what I mean? This is music you don’t have to triple-drop 4 or 5 pills to (which is why I doubt I’ll ever see them at Club Fabric). I’ve listened to this album in the back garden, in the living room, on my iPod on the tube, in my bedroom, I had it on when I had a bath last week, walking around the shops and I made my mate play it when I went round the other week but he didn’t like it.

The only draw back is the cover of the album; each member is CRYING. Not being funny, but if I had an album out like this I would not be crying. Really not sure why they let the photographer take that photo and then put it on the album for everyone to see. Its just depressing. I know its not everyone’s cup of tea but I really like the ‘Bonkers’ compilation covers. They encapsulate what dance music is all about; fun, dressing up in mad costumes and getting fucking mashed.

Anyway, for a debut album this is brilliant. The lads from New York City get a 9/10 from Tonka in London. Keep up the good work, lads. If you ever start playing in Europe, let us know and I will definitely come down to watch.

Right, that’s me done for the week. Hope you found these reviews informative.

Tune in same time next week and smack some fucking sun cream on your face because I’ve got a mate who’s coming back from Ibiza tomorrow. I’m going to ask him what it was like and then I’ll review the 2011 Ibiza summer season here on my blog. Tres Bien!