This is my first ever blog so I’m saying this now, it might not be fucking pretty. If you don’t like swearing, talking about fit birds in clubs, good DJs, good dance tunes, swearing and eating cheeky sweets (know what I mean? ;-) ) then I’m sorry but this blog is NOT for you. Best you fuck off back to the RA forums or mnml messages NOW. This is proper.

“Proper good writing about proper good times” is the unofficial motto of this blog.

I’m going to make this a weekly write-up of things that are going on in the world of dance, things that PISS me off, reviews and things that I think you should know about. I’ll kick things off today with my 3 favourite dance music things; my favourite ever dance music music, my favourite ever DJ and my favourite ever club at the moment.

This will give you a better idea of who I am and what this is all about.

Number 1: My favourite ever dance music music:

Has to be ‘Music Sounds Better With You’ by Stardust. I DJ here and there at illegal warehouse and basement raves in and around Dalston and the West End. Whenever I follow on from the DJ before I usually turn off the power on the turntable that is playing the other DJ's last record, so that it slows down to a halt. Sounds dead fucking dramatic.

I then pick up the mic and whisper the words "are you ready to dance?" The crowd go ape shit (in a good way). I then say "I can't hear you. Are you ready to dance?" They usually start whooping at this point. I leave it a few seconds, looking round and nodding my head before screaming into the microphone "ARE YOU GUYS READY TO BUST SOME FUCKING MOVES????!!!!" This is when the crowd go bananas so i go down to a whisper again and say "when you hear the beat, lets go..."

I then press play on the turntable and "Music Sounds Better With You" by Stardust kicks through the speakers. It's my signature track and my signature way off kicking off the party. It ALWAYS kills.

Number 2: My favourite ever DJ

Has to be Tony De Vit. That bloke is a legend. Hasn’t done much since the late nineties but I’ve got a few of his Global Underground CDs at home and I could listen to them all day. Listen to the way he mixes ‘Systems Pumping’ and ‘Nuclear Shower (UK Gold Mix)’ on Tokyo CD 2 – my favourite ever transition by a DJ in a CD compilation ever. The Miss Moneypenny’s mix is good as well. If you can find that in the shops anymore let me know – I’ve lost the inlay card out of mine.

Tony De Vit is a DJ who, like me, moved from the Midlands to London. That’s why I have so much respect for him.

Shame he doesn’t play out any more because I’d love to go and see him live.

Number 3: my favourite ever club at the moment

Has to be Club Fabric in London. London is a city in England (just in case any foreigners read this. LOL) and Club Fabric is where you’ll find me most weekends. You’ll find me in Room 1 from 11pm right through to chucking out time. Its all about experiencing new things for me so I like to stick in Room 1 for the variety of music you get to dance to. Minimal, minimal techno, minimal house, techno and house are just a few of the different genres that can get played on a Saturday night on the famous Room 1 under-floor Funktion speaker system. The best looking birds all dance in Room 1 as well. My favourite trick is to pinch a fit looking bird’s arse and then look the other way when she turns around! Lads, apart from dropping Smarties that is the funniest thing you can do in Fabric. Has me howling like a fucking WOLF. Gets good around 5am as well because at that time they don’t know if they’re coming or going. I once got off with a bird without even talking to her – I think she thought I was her boyfriend. Go with the flow, that’s my motto.

Room 2 is where they play hardcore and trance. I once made a wrong turn after going for a shit and ended up in Room 2 tripping my tits off to DJ Dave Clarke. Never again. Felt like he’d took a fucking lump hammer to my box.

I’ve never been to Room 3 – it just sounds boring. I’ve heard it’s small, doesn’t have any lasers or underground speakers and I’ve never heard of any of the DJs who play in it. Fuck that.

Safe, that’s the first blog from Tonka. Hope you found it informative. If you have any suggestions let me know, I might take what you’ve got to say on board.

Next week, I'm telling you all about Super Clubs. Love them or hate them; they're here to stay. I'm going to break it down for you then. Out.