Super Clubs

Right, this week's blog is about Super Clubs. The great thing about living in the Noughties (‘Naughties’, I call them) is that whichever city you live in you can go and get off your face in a Super Club. Super Clubs are like night clubs, but night clubs where the world’s most famous superstar DJs play EVERY week. UK Super Clubs have been the best in the world since the Eighties (‘Hate-ies’, I call them). Here’s a run down on the best UK Super Clubs, past and present. Read it and weep, Germany.

The Hacienda in Manchester opened in December 1984 and was Great Britain’s first ever Super Club. New Order were the resident DJs (a pre-curser to nights like Bugged Out! having bands like Klaxons and Hot Chips DJing) and it was run by all the local drug dealers – so you could really shop around inside. One of my biggest regrets in life is only being 4 years old at the time of its opening, and not getting the chance to attend. Whenever I’m up in Manchester now though, I’m straight down The Hacienda.

Cream in Liverpool opened up a few years later and introduced the world to vocal house. Judge Jules and Paul Oakenfold played back-to-back every week and, in the nineties, it was a magnet for celebrity pussy. Sadly, Cream closed its doors a few years ago after losing their heads and wasting all their money on unproven talent. They made a fucking Mixmag tape-sender and a WOMAN co-residents with the Judge and Oakie – which apparently PISSED OFF Judge Jules. The celebrities had never heard of the new residents so they stopped turning up. Cream then sold Paul Oakenfold to a club in Goa and started putting parties on in a field like it was the fucking Summer of Love again. I really wish they were still going because I always thought Cream had the best logo.

Down in Birmingham, the best Super Club is undoubtedly Sundissential. This is the place where anything goes, and it’s the only club in the country you can go to for hard house on a Sunday afternoon.

I once played the third room at Sundissential and was so off my face that I completely fucked up every single transition. Everyone was still dancing and gurning though – that’s how friendly the place is. The promoter, Madders, is probably the most famous dance promoter around at the moment. He’s got long hair and introduces the DJs before they come on – absolute QUALITY.

The midlands has always been heavily involved in the Super Club movement. Legend has it that at Renaissance in Nottingham, Sasha gave a young John Digweed his big break in show-business after seeing him in tears during the breakdown of Paul Van Dyke’s ‘For An Angel’. He got him up on stage to play the next track and it turned out Digweed was just as good at mixing as Sasha. The rest, as they say, is dance music history.

Those were the days of open communication between DJ and Dancer. These days, nightclubs cage their DJs up like fucking animals. That is the one thing that PISSES me off about Club Fabric; you can’t see the DJ. You can’t check out what record he’s playing. You can’t shake his hand when he drops a bomb. They could be playing a fucking tape all night for all we know. Has ANYONE ever seen inside the Fabric DJ cage? Let me know what goes on in there and if the DJs on the flyer are the DJs in the box.

You get Super Clubs all over the world now. The biggest one outside of London is probably Berlin, in a place called Berghain in West Germany. Berlin does not close its doors and has a strict dress code and behaviour policy. They also have the biggest bouncers in Europe who employ the ‘no trainers, no jeans’ rule like fucking demons. Bog-standard superstar DJ antics do not go down well in this grim East German drug box. Richie Hawtin once got chucked out in the middle of his DJ set for spitting his lager down the back of a woman’s neck. Down at Malibu Stacey’s he would have been fucking APPLAUDED.

As much as I love Super Clubs I’m wondering about their future in the world of dance. Why go and get fucked up in Fabric, NOT see the DJ and NOT pull a bird you should be able to get off with easily when you can go and get fucked up in a strip club, LISTEN to dance music and spend a bit of extra money PULLING a fit looking glamour model? On paper, it’s a no-brainer.

Unless places like Fabric open their minds and get creative with the show they are putting on each week, I can only see strip clubs getting more popular and eventually pulling away from the more traditional night clubs in this country, Great Britain.

Clubs in Ibiza have women dancing in cages. Manumission not only showcase the best superstar DJs in the world every Saturday night, but the promoters also suck each other off on stage for the punters. It gets EVERYONE in the mood for dancing and having a bit of how's your father at chucking out time. It simply creates a great atmosphere.

Its exactly this kind of pizzazz the UK market should be looking to emulate. I suggest that Fabric put the DJ on the stage in Room 1 and have naked strippers dancing in cages and on podiums where the current DJ cage is. Only THIS would get people flooding back to the house of dance.

Who's with me?

Next week, as this is the Weekly Review of Dance Music, I’m going to be reviewing a few things. Music singles, new DJs, and a club night review.

Also, if anyone has/and/or knows of any good/unsigned DJs and/or producers (has to be dance), send me/get them to send me a link so I can have a listen/download to it/them. I will then review on THIS blog.

I also want to do a monthly podcast (like RA’s, but better). Send me your MP3 mixes with a description of you, your style, what you like about dancing music and a recent photo. I will sift through the shit and showcase the best ones on the first Tuesday of the month, EVERY month, ON a Tuesday.



No spam/no threats

PS / TIP: If you want a guaranteed good night, go to Ministry of Sound in London. They’re such a massive organisation that they now ONLY employ superstar DJs – you don’t get any warm up bollocks.


This is my first ever blog so I’m saying this now, it might not be fucking pretty. If you don’t like swearing, talking about fit birds in clubs, good DJs, good dance tunes, swearing and eating cheeky sweets (know what I mean? ;-) ) then I’m sorry but this blog is NOT for you. Best you fuck off back to the RA forums or mnml messages NOW. This is proper.

“Proper good writing about proper good times” is the unofficial motto of this blog.

I’m going to make this a weekly write-up of things that are going on in the world of dance, things that PISS me off, reviews and things that I think you should know about. I’ll kick things off today with my 3 favourite dance music things; my favourite ever dance music music, my favourite ever DJ and my favourite ever club at the moment.

This will give you a better idea of who I am and what this is all about.

Number 1: My favourite ever dance music music:

Has to be ‘Music Sounds Better With You’ by Stardust. I DJ here and there at illegal warehouse and basement raves in and around Dalston and the West End. Whenever I follow on from the DJ before I usually turn off the power on the turntable that is playing the other DJ's last record, so that it slows down to a halt. Sounds dead fucking dramatic.

I then pick up the mic and whisper the words "are you ready to dance?" The crowd go ape shit (in a good way). I then say "I can't hear you. Are you ready to dance?" They usually start whooping at this point. I leave it a few seconds, looking round and nodding my head before screaming into the microphone "ARE YOU GUYS READY TO BUST SOME FUCKING MOVES????!!!!" This is when the crowd go bananas so i go down to a whisper again and say "when you hear the beat, lets go..."

I then press play on the turntable and "Music Sounds Better With You" by Stardust kicks through the speakers. It's my signature track and my signature way off kicking off the party. It ALWAYS kills.

Number 2: My favourite ever DJ

Has to be Tony De Vit. That bloke is a legend. Hasn’t done much since the late nineties but I’ve got a few of his Global Underground CDs at home and I could listen to them all day. Listen to the way he mixes ‘Systems Pumping’ and ‘Nuclear Shower (UK Gold Mix)’ on Tokyo CD 2 – my favourite ever transition by a DJ in a CD compilation ever. The Miss Moneypenny’s mix is good as well. If you can find that in the shops anymore let me know – I’ve lost the inlay card out of mine.

Tony De Vit is a DJ who, like me, moved from the Midlands to London. That’s why I have so much respect for him.

Shame he doesn’t play out any more because I’d love to go and see him live.

Number 3: my favourite ever club at the moment

Has to be Club Fabric in London. London is a city in England (just in case any foreigners read this. LOL) and Club Fabric is where you’ll find me most weekends. You’ll find me in Room 1 from 11pm right through to chucking out time. Its all about experiencing new things for me so I like to stick in Room 1 for the variety of music you get to dance to. Minimal, minimal techno, minimal house, techno and house are just a few of the different genres that can get played on a Saturday night on the famous Room 1 under-floor Funktion speaker system. The best looking birds all dance in Room 1 as well. My favourite trick is to pinch a fit looking bird’s arse and then look the other way when she turns around! Lads, apart from dropping Smarties that is the funniest thing you can do in Fabric. Has me howling like a fucking WOLF. Gets good around 5am as well because at that time they don’t know if they’re coming or going. I once got off with a bird without even talking to her – I think she thought I was her boyfriend. Go with the flow, that’s my motto.

Room 2 is where they play hardcore and trance. I once made a wrong turn after going for a shit and ended up in Room 2 tripping my tits off to DJ Dave Clarke. Never again. Felt like he’d took a fucking lump hammer to my box.

I’ve never been to Room 3 – it just sounds boring. I’ve heard it’s small, doesn’t have any lasers or underground speakers and I’ve never heard of any of the DJs who play in it. Fuck that.

Safe, that’s the first blog from Tonka. Hope you found it informative. If you have any suggestions let me know, I might take what you’ve got to say on board.

Next week, I'm telling you all about Super Clubs. Love them or hate them; they're here to stay. I'm going to break it down for you then. Out.