WRDMini - Tripoli Trax

I don't listen to much hard house nowadays because of all the cymbals that tend to get used in them, but back when I first started getting into dance music I would ONLY listen to Tripoli Trax music. Or Hooj Choons, RoulĂ©, Tidy Trax, tons of white labels and the occasional Nucleuz banger. Although, I hated BK for reasons I could never fully understand. I'm sure he's a lovely man and he wrote some good stuff but I fucking HATED him for no reason when I was a teenager.

Sorry BK.




Tripoli Trax was the classiest hard house label around. EVERY track had both a tribal and a vogue-ish feel to them. For those reasons alone I supported Tripoli.

The best hard house DJ, after Tony dV, was another bloke who couldn't be cunted to pronounce his full surname; Ian M.

Ian M (or Ian Mulligan to his parents) has kindly made a Tripoli mega mix for the website soundcloud.com. See and LISTEN, then download it, here, now by following the big green link below. NOW.

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WRDM10

WRDM10 is the tenth and final post by Tonka. Tonka would like to thank everyone who has read and enjoyed the Weekly Review of Dance Music since its conception in July of this year.

Unfortunately, the running costs for an operation of this size has proved unsustainable and the blog can no longer continue. In the last few months Tonka has had to sell his black Vauxhall Corsa, his taupe Ralph Lauren winter mac and has regrettably had to take up a second job as assistant barman in The Black Horse pub (Greenford) in order to honour contracts of employment made with two researchers and a personal assistant called Vanessa.



Tonka created WRDM as a way of becoming rich and, unfortunately, his blog is not as popular as he first told his bank manager it would be. His 6 month visitor projections proved false and revenue from Google Ads has been, frankly, negligible. His promise of regular sub-contract work for www.residentadvisor.net was, in fact, a lie and his father is not a wealthy and eccentric, unconditional benefactor; he is a security guard at the Birmingham Symphony Hall called Steve.

My friend has assured me that he has “quite enjoyed” writing about dance music for free, and at cost to himself, so it is with a heavy heart and a tear that he has come to the decision to wind down the Weekly Review of Dance Music and concentrate fully on his public sector office administration job and part-time local bar work. If the offers had flooded in from legitimate dance music businesses Tonka would not be in this position. All he wanted was to get paid big cash money for his outstanding dance writing abilities and an all expenses paid trip to Miami for the 2012 Winter Music Conference. None of this materialised and it has had a negative effect on both his self esteem and expected finances. Que sera, sera.


As a matter of fact Tonka’s imagination has dried up and, as a consequence, he has run out of fresh ideas and angles for communicating dance music information and serious review to the units who read and subscribe to WRDM. His blog is no longer innovative. He has lost the creative wherewithal and ambition to challenge the way dance music is perceived and discussed in the media, and thus his primary aim to use WRDM as a catalyst for sensible argument and personal gain will remain sadly unfulfilled.

He leaves behind a solid body of work (WRDM4 to WRDM7) and memories of a time when dance music was fun. When dance music was not about scenes and haircuts but about super clubs, strict dress codes and doing as many headache tablets as possible before going back home to your parents and telling them that you had “too much to drink last night.” Tonka reminded us all of a time when dancing to a kick drum, closed hi-hat, clap, sub-bass, synth, open hi-hat, warm pad, snare fill and a “come on” vocal for 12 hours was a laugh, not a gathering for wankers filming every transition on their mobile phones and ‘thinking’ about what each particular track was ‘saying’ to them. Tonka knew that dance music was JUST about having fun, and should not be compared with collecting stamps, looking at trains or going to church on a Sunday morning; only complete fucking dickheads take dance music that seriously, he once wrote to me in an SMS text message. I'm still not quite sure what he meant by all that but he did mean it.



An insight into the man: Tonka once pulled me to one side outside WHSmith in Crouch End and opened my eyes with his mouth. He said “ecstasy is called ecstasy for a reason.” I asked him what he meant and he looked around to make sure no one else was eavesdropping on the bombshell he was about to drop and simply said “they don’t call it dance music for nothing.” I spluttered and asked him if anyone else was privy to this. He slowly shook his head before spinning around quickly and darting towards Boots for his wife’s weekly Tampax lady tampons box. That was the last time I saw him.

It is unclear where Tonka’s head is at today. He faxed a photocopied note to me at the weekend and explained that he has “gone to Belgium for a while and may be some time.” This morning I received a Jiffy bag containing a cassette with the words 'Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be) by Tonka' scrawled on the side.

I have painstakingly converted the cassette into an MP3 electronic file, inserted that MP3 into the laptop I am writing this letter from and somehow manipulated it into this blog. If you have stereo sound on your listening device I suggest you crank it up to max and get a load of this:

Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)

Tonka's legacy will be a sensational song, an insightful interview and 10 incredible posts.

With great delight,
Draper

MASSIVE QUESTIONS to DISCO BLOODBATH: Damon Martin

NOW.

This week Damon Martin out of Disco Bloodbath was kind enough to invite me over to his west Hackney mansion for a cup of tea and a sit down. He was ALSO kind enough to answer some pertinent dance music questions that have been on the tip of my lips since I first heard of Disco Bloodbath, in 2005.

I wrote the questions and the answers down as we talked IN PERSON. Here they are:



Q) For anyone unfamiliar with Disco Bloodbath, could you explain its ethos?

A) I don't know if we have an ethos. The night started as a way for us to play records that we liked to our mates and continued naturally from there really.

Q) Was establishing Disco Bloodbath an uphill struggle or an overnight success? Discuss...
A) Overnight success might be going a bit far but I think we knew from pretty early on that we were onto something. The venue we started in had something like a 120 person capacity so it didn't take too much to fill it and it grew gradually over the first few months. We started in April 2007 and by November that year the place was rammed and we had queues down the street. 

Q) Explaining in full detail in one brief paragraph, how did you get into dance music and DJing?
A) I grew up in New Zealand and while dance music and clubs did exist there then, they were nowhere near the cultural force that they were in the UK. I was always into music, though, and my first DJing experience (loosely speaking) came from monopolising the stereo at house parties as a teenager. Clubs came a few years later and were initially a place to go and get off my head. After a while I started to pay more attention to the music being played and wanted to learn more about it which led to buying club 12"s and some decks and eventually to being asked to play at friends' parties.

Q) What are your plans for Disco Bloodbath in 2012? More than just a party?
A) We've been talking about doing a Disco Bloodbath label for a while now and I'm happy to say that it's looking like 2012 will be the year for that.

Q) Why do you like my blog? Do you have any suggestions for improvement? Where do you see me and my blog in 5 years time?
A) I like everything about your blog. One suggestion would be to consider hacking DJs' voicemails to get the really juicy stories. In 5 years time I think you could be the News International of dance music.

Q) How did you come up with the moniker 'Damon Martin' as a DJ name? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with 'DJ' like a proper DJ? Or suffixing it with something more exciting like 'Beat Masta' (DJ Beat Masta) or 'Drug Luvva' (DJ Drug Luvva)?
A) It took me ages trying to come up with a DJ name. Then one day I realised that I already had a name and decided to use that instead. I did consider both the 'DJ' prefix and 'Beat Masta' suffix but decided against them.

Q) Do you and Ben Piston ever DJ solo or are you ALWAYS a double-act, so to speak?
A) We DJ solo as well. 

Q) Are the rumours true about Ben Piston?
A) Yes.



Q) Do you have any sound advice for any wannabe DJs or promoters reading this?
A) There is a lot of technology around now that makes it relatively easy to start DJing out fairly quickly but it's as important as it's always been, if not more so, to spend time learning about the music and its history in order to develop a style and sound that represents you. A robot or a highly trained chimp can play this months 20 biggest tunes.

Q) Clap or snare?
A) Clap.

Q) Can you explain the beef between Disco Bloodbath and Horse Meat Disco? Is it a simple north/south of the river divide or does the cut slash deeper?
A) Horse Meat was always a big influence on us and we've teamed up with them for parties from time to time so there's not really any beef. However, sometimes I like to imagine that Ben is Tupac, Jim Stanton is Biggie and Dan Beaumont is Suge Knight.

Q) Gloria Hunniford?
A) Wouldn't.



Q) When you remixed that Franz Ferdinand track did you get to meet the actual band? If so, who was the nicest member and did they provide you with an autograph?
A) We didn't get to meet them but I've heard they're all very nice boys.

Q) Would you ever be tempted to sit in an actual bloodbath for charity? Such as Children in Need, for example?
A) I think that would be fine as long as the blood wasn't too cold. I hate getting into cold water and I imagine cold blood would be just as bad if not worse.

Q) What was your favourite subject at school and why? (Don't you dare say music!!! LMAO & PMSL)
A) I quite liked doing the experiments in chemistry.

Q) What is Nadia Ksaiba like in real life?
A) Nightmare. 

Q) I've heard that at Disco Bloodbath there is no dress code. What was the thinking behind this?
A) We all have terrible dress sense and didn't feel it was fair to expect others to dress well. 

Q) Do you prefer oral, anal or vaginal penetration?
A) I'm celibate.

Q) Would you be able to grant me lifetime VIP guest list entry to Disco Bloodbath or do I need to go through your management company?
A) Of course. 

Q) What is your preferred state, stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A) Terminated.



Q) Have you ever met Ricardo Villalobos? If so, what was he like and did you get his autograph?
A) I've never met him. 

Q) At Disco Bloodbath can punters expect to hear anything other than disco? Have either you or Ben Piston ever played a minimal tribal track? If so, how did it go down? (3 questions in 1 there that can be answered, if you please, in one paragraph)
A) We play lots of different kinds of music - house, techno, pop, synth stuff, whatever we want really. I think disco has always been more of a feeling for us rather than clearly defined genre. I don't recall playing any minimal tribal tracks though.

Q) Who is your favourite all time American stand-up comedian?
A) Richard Pryor.

Q) What's the big deal about disco then?
A) It's fun music. Everyone likes to have fun.

Q) When and where is the next Disco Bloodbath and where can the readers of this blog buy tickets?
A) The 10th of December at Passion on Amhurst Road with Piers from Soft Rocks. Tickets on the door. This is a muthafuckin link to the RA page for this event.


What a nice DJ. If any other big name DJs from around the DJ world want to be quizzed by me and answer my MASSIVE QUESTIONS, please get in touch.

Tweeter me on @tonkawrdm
Or email me on tonkawrdm@gmail.com

Alternatively, I will be approaching big name DJs for interviews in the near future.

WRDM10 will be cumming straight out of my balls in the very near future, so close your eyes.

Out.

T

WRDM9

Hello lads, I’m back.

WRDM9 has been a long time in the making because I’ve had to clear a lot of this article with lawyers prior to publication. Dr Tom Kyte of ‘The Blackhead Lawyer Shop’ in Wednesbury has now tipped me the wink and I’m allowed to go ahead with what is promised to be a ground-breaking post of a blog on this Tuesday’s weekly ‘Weekly Review of Dance Music’ WRDM blog post by Tonka, me.




In WRDM9 now.

The controversial nature of this week’s blog post is down to the demons that are currently possessing my soul. My personal hell is also the reason for the one week self-imposed WRDM hiatus. You see, I am going through a personal trauma most of you fuckers will never realise exist because, the truth is, when you stop watching soap operas your life becomes one…and I haven’t watched Coronation Street for about 6 fucking months. The sad bastards who read this shit will never experience true heartbreak. You will never know what it is to keep a devastating secret that, once released, will affect everyone around you and put their lives on a surprisingly different course. The lonely cunts who sit down and read what I write wander through life never having to make the big decisions, never looking at their options, and never choose themselves over what they think they SHOULD be doing. Tonka is a husband. Tonka is a dad. Tonka should be taking care of family life. Tonka should look himself in the mirror and decide what he needs. Tonka should be 100% sure. Tonka should be decisive. Tonka should be happy knocking out sub-standard dance words to thousands of dickheads who want to read them. Tonka should never have let his eye off the blog ball with the International Special. Tonka should be rejoicing in the love and happiness dance music gives him. Tonka should scrap his idea for filming himself. Tonka should do some more research and then pay an apologetic visit to the Birmingham tomb of Tony De Vit. Tonka should stop feeling sorry for himself, quad-drop a deadly cocktail of lager, ecstasy E tablets, marijuana and Special K Ketamine drops and think himself lucky to be alive. Tonka should STOP giving a fuck what people think and write from the heart. Tonka should name and shame the SHIT nights he’s had out clubbing and get on with ‘WRDM9 – Dance Floors Of Disgrace.’

I’m putting the ‘hate’ back in ‘blogging’.

Godskitchen, Birmingham 2000




Godskitchen is the little sister of Gatecrasher, and should be treated as such. With maximum disrespect. Back in the year 2000 trance was the music du jour for the clubbing world and, in the trance world, Birmingham was the pig-ignorant, backward ex-girlfriend of Sheffield, and should be treated as such. With maximum disrespect. Back in the year 2000 Draper and I took the 51 bus to Birmingham City Centre and spent the evening drinking and sniffing whizz in Flares, with an eye to joining Madders and co. at Sundissential later on. Upon arriving at Pulse we were informed that a reveller had just DIED of ecstasy on the dance floor and there was to be no more hard house at Pulse that evening. What to do? Bakers was about another 25 minute walk back up the arse end of Broad Street and we were already too jazzed to go to Snobs. So, we did the third best thing and walked down to whatever the name of the place Godskitchen used to be in 11 years ago.

We joined the back of a massive queue and fucking hell, this story is boring me already. Sorry. Next.

0/10

Hoxton Bar and Kitchen, London 2004




In 2004 I had a brief fling with a bird who only hung around with gay men and lesbian ladies. Her name was Katie and she worked at Selfridges. She had a brown bob hair cut and had a bit of meat on her bones. Know what I mean? She wasn’t great looking but she showed a distinct and immediate interest in me at a house party I attended in Shoreditch, and I’ll go with anything. I’d been to see Sasha at Clapham Common earlier in the day with my Italian drug dealers before heading into Camden for Bring and Share at The Enterprise. Bring and Share is now a bingo night but back in the day it was one of the best monthly parties in London. No question. I got learned how to do the drugs there properly. After B&S we went to a house party of a friend of the bloke who runs B&S, and as soon as I walked in the door this bird called Katie approached me and we hung out from there. Simple.


Anyway, Katie and I met a few times after that before going to The Cross. Cut a long story short, we did way too much and I was holding her upright by the morning. She was a fucking mess but we agreed to go out again the following night. I was to meet her in Hoxton Bar and Kitchen.



I’d spent all day with the Bring and Share crew at the Edinboro Castle dancing with Liam Gallagher, Tamzin Outhwaite and Gem and was trollied again. I arrived on time in Hoxton and joined the back of a massive queue to get in. I queued for over an hour to get into a bar I hate, in an area I hate to meet a fat, ugly cunt I only wanted to fuck. Still, I waited in line. In I got after an hour and a half of queuing and went to see Katie on the dance-floor. She hardly said hello to me, we spent the next two hours almost talking whilst fellas were pinching my tight, pert arse left, right and centre – I had black Lee jeans on that hugged the snug frame of my cute 24 year old shit box perfectly. I didn’t realise until half an hour in it was a gay night. So, I was miffed for having to come to Hoxton in the first place, I was vexed for having to queue up to get in and I now had the rage because my anus was getting lightly abused by men. And this bitch wasn’t talking to me. Around 1am she took me to the side and said “I don’t think this is working”. I went back to Muswell Hill in a huff and wanked myself to sleep. In a huff.


0/10

That’s this weeks lazy WRDM comeback special out of the way. This must be the worst one in the series so far. Sorry. Read WRDM 1 to 8 again NOW to remind yourself that I used to be good at this.

I’ll be back next Tuesday with WRDM10. It’s a landmark number so I’ll be in a better mood and will be celebrating with the showcase of my first hit single ‘Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)’ and an E X C L U S I V E interview with Dan 'Bloodbath' Beaumont, out of Disco Bloodbath.

Peace out, you muthafuckin' readership, you. Follow me on Tweeter if you want: @tonkawrdm

Tx

WRDMini - Hands Across The Water

I N T E R N A T I O N A L   S P E C I A L

I am a cosmopolitan young man and did foreign languages at school; I did French GSCE and received a grade for it.

Since I exploded onto the 'bloggin' scene' I have had quite a few people from around the world ask me if they can contribute to WRDM. Up to now I have written back personally with a polite "fuck off, this is MY blog." However, having thought about it more deeply I realised that if I let more people contribute I stand more chance of these fuckers passing on my truth to people who might not be aware of me, thus gaining a larger worldwide blog foothold and therefore make more money from the Google Adsense thing on the side.

Keep clicking, muthafuckers.

So, in the spirit of diplomacy and capitalism I'm opening my doors to international guest slots. This is with a view to both extending my brand to other territories and providing a little self worth and excitement to those of you both foreign enough and talented enough to make it onto the hallowed WRDM page. However, I am the only UK resident to write for WRDM. That will NEVER change.

After WRDM5 - The Ladies Edition, I received a charming email from a young lad in N (New) Y (York) C (City) (NYC). He told me how much he enjoyed my blog and that I had provided him with a real education in UK dance. His stage name is Megatown. His real name is David.

Megatown takes snaps of inanimate objects and good looking people for a living. Alright for some! Have a look at his website on this number: megatownsreallybrilliantpictures.com

There are two pictures on this week's post. One by me and one by Megatown. I won't say who took which but he got paid for his and I still work in office administration. That's all I'm fucking saying. Spot the difference.


Also, I have to pick him up on something else. I know ALL Americans are big headed but what is wrong with the word City? These cock-sure cowboys can't even call a city a city anymore, they are calling them Mega Towns. Only in America! I'd like to see Coventry council agree to something like that. And Lincoln.

But hey, I'm rambling on like my wife. I present to you Megatown, who will tell you about a recent night out he enjoyed in The Big Apple over The Other Side Of The Pond.

Here:

NOW.

Megatown on DJ Harvey:

A few of you might actually have an internet now, which makes sense as you're reading this on the information super highway (as I call it in the 'biz). Internets are a great place to find out information that you don't have to buy a magazine to read about, or ring friends in foreign countries. It is by this magical new method that a 70's porn star cum [sic.] cosmic rock artist cum [sic.] disc jockey called DJ Harvey has become a LEGEND for playing LEGENDary records at a few legendARY parties. 

He's about 600 years old now, but "back in the day" he was the man who actually invented vinyl records. That is literally the word on the street. DJ Harvey has been around the block so many times, i think he may have actually invented music. In 1996 he did a CD for the UK London pub The Ministry of Sound which was quite good, and everyone had it as their chill out CD AND skinning-up tray. He played there once a week, almost like he was resident. I once heard that he turned up with 3 records in a Tesco bag and played for seventy three (73) hours, and everyone was mesmerised by the B-Sides. I wasn't there.

Anyway, one day he moved to America without a visa and got trapped here because he didn't want to go back to the 'Home Counties'. Apparently, he put on a load of famous Sarcastic parties in warehouses that were so secret that they never happened. My mate's brother remembered getting an SMS/text from someone about a party and then drove to a warehouse in downtown LA, and just found a cellphone on the floor, playing the music from a tiny speaker – It was that secret! He ended up sat on his fanny staring at the receiver whilst a hobo flicked Ketamin up his nostrils...for sex.




DJ Harvey once played at a dance party right here in a New York loft that was so good, and went on for so long, that a somebody opened a window and saw a workman outside, dancing. Actually DANCING, and he wasn't even in the party or on illegal drugs. I'm not sure who told me that one but it was a cracking story whether I choose to believe it or not. I do.

Everyone in Europe heard about these stories via the internets (because remember folks, he wasn't allowed back home), and then made it their business to think that he (and rightly so) is The Best Thing In Dance Music There Ever Was.

I actually got to see him a couple of times this last year, and then again a few weeks ago with Kyle Hall at Santos Party House. Kyle Hall adopted the middle initials MF which stands for 'Mother Fuckin', but the douche was fairly crap. Harvey played all night upstairs so it was one of those journeys that you go on. A bit like Tenaglia without the tribal drums. There's so much mythology around Harvey that even when he played really trancey breakdowns that kicked in with trancey vocals, it was still really awesome, man. It wasn't trance though. Oh no. Well it was, but the rest of it was pretty much the same records I think people are playing in London and elsewhere, but it was the WAY they were put together. Some of them were not even mixed – how progressive is THAT?! Mixing is so 2006, and we all know that 2006 was FIVE years ago.

If DJ Harvey is not the messiah of dance music, i don't know who is. I'd probably say either Jamie Troxler (and all the other ones) or a back-to-back 4 hour set of Tall Paul and Seb Fontaine at Twilo.

DJ Harvey in NYC 10/10

Right, that was Megatown with his version of events in New York. I could correct at least a dozen mistakes there but I don't want to hurt the kid. I will say this though: our greatest Super Club is NOT a fucking pub.

Please keep sending in your foreign event review submissions (even if it's not in English) and maybe one day YOU will have your international event review submitted on MY blog. Comprende?

I'll be jumping back over the shark next week with a proper WRDM. WRDM9 - Festivals Special.

T




WRDM8

This week's WRDM is all about new music, new artists, new tunes and new producers. I'll be lifting the lid on the BEST up and coming DJs in the world and then REVIEWING their skills on the decks. I will then be marking them out of ten so that you can decide whether or not to go and see them.

However, before I begin I have to say "thank you" to the fellas at Mud Love dot co dot uk (.co.uk) for asking me to write a blog post on their blog. My first away game. Check it out on this number: Mud Love and keep on reading their website as much as you can because, in my opinion, after Resident AdvisorMinimal MessagesWeekly Review of Dance MusicFACTIbiza VoiceFantaziaSoul Clap blogwelove-musiclafonoteca.netRecord LabelBodytonicMixmagXLR8RMegatownPlanet TurboPhonicaW+L and Get The Curse, Mud Love is THE best dance music website on the World Wide Web (www.).

CH-Check it out.

Also, whilst out buying fruit the other day I overheard a conversation containing some gloomy news regarding the fatal death of a man who invented the iPod Touch and the iPod Nano. If any of you who read this did not already know, Steve Jobs has sadly passed away of cancer in his Beverly Hills mansion. I heard the same bloke also tell his grandson an extremely tasteless and graphic joke immediately afterwards which I will not repeat here. I'm ashamed to say I laughed out loud (lol) though and, unfortunately, will never be able to see a picture of Steve Jobs ever again without wondering where he eventually “plugged it in”.

Review time. NOW.

DJ Creepy Disco



Erol Alkan is a personal friend of mine. At least he'd act like it when I used to frequent Bugged Out! at The End. Unless Smagghey or The Glimmer Twins were on in the Main Room, I would go and watch Erol (as I liked to call him) in the Lounge. In those days he wore his hair long and was more often than not playing warm up to 'Klaxons DJs'. One balmy night in 2004 I took a vinyl copy of Grace Jones 'Island Life' with me to Bugged Out! so that I could keep cool and look cool at the same time. Erol took one look at the cover as I nonchalantly waved it above my head and IMMEDIATELY played 'Pull Up To The Bumper'. That is why you will NEVER hear a bad word said about him by me. He is Mr Showbiz as far as I'm concerned and, having been blogging for over 3 months, I should know a little about the industry by now. Eh, lads?

Erol Alkan has a website called this: erolalkanswebsite.com and on this website I discovered an unsigned DJ called DJ Disco Creep. I don't know his real name and the only photo he's published anywhere on the net is shit. You can only see the top half of his head and he's wearing fucking sunglasses. Kanye West ones.

I downloaded his free Soundcloud 'Summer September Mix' and listened to it on the tube once, all the way through. Unfortunately, I listened to this mix in October so that put a mental downward spin on it for me. When people put a date in the title of something it psychologically puts you off if you're not consuming it on that date. Try reading yesterday's newspaper today, its just too fucking weird.

Anyway, I listened to it from start to finish and enjoyed it. The tracks were of a summer house vibe throughout and most of them had a French filter effect, which I always find pleasing to the ear hole. However, if I want to listen to summer vibes I'll put on 'Summertime: The Mixtape' by Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince or ANY Soul Clap podcast from the last 2 years. Creepy Disco sounds alright but I don’t think he actually plays in any nightclubs (correct me if I’m wrong, DJDC) – reclusive or what?

Listen to that and the rest of DJ Disco CreepHERE 7/10

DJ Mary Jane


The great thing about being a dance music producer now, in October 2011, is that a) you can be a lady producer and b) you can make a track in somewhere like Memphis, Tennessee and within one month you can, by some sexy twist of fate, be reviewed by Tonka in London, Great Britain. There are loads of forums on Resident Advisor and most of them in the Tech area consist of sad teenagers arguing about headphones and fat, old, jealous, virgin cunts who snide away at people like me who couldn't give a shit about limiters, automated LFOs and side-chain compression. It's all about the groove with me, mate. As long as Ricky V plays a track that bangs, I couldn't give a fuck if its not made properly. These sad, lonely fuckers make me sick AND make me digress.

Sometimes a forum name catches your eye though. I've been aching to unearth some new dance talent on my blog for a while so when I saw 'Composers/Producers post here' I began to rub my hands together. "I'm going to make one of these guys a star", I thought to myself. I opened up the page and after seeing lots of people called British Lizard, Norman and Loopsky I saw a lady DJ called DJ Mary Jane. "Finally, some pussy" I thought to myself. I didn't even bother listening to anyone else so if you want to check them out go to that page and sift through the shit yourself (there will be a lot of shit).

DJ Mary Jane, I'm guessing, is a play on what, I'm guessing, is her favourite band: The Jesus and Mary Chain. It's a clever touch but this young American no longer gazes at shoes. She has dropped the moods and is now embracing Minus style shuffle-tech and minimal happy rage-core. I'm listening to her track 'Sucker Punch' as I type. It is 8 minutes and 6 seconds of pure dance music. I'm not sure how many bpms there are each minute on this one but I'd go as far as to say it's a mid-range plodder. Imagine yourself at Club Fabric on a Sunday morning. Its 5.30am and you're coming down whilst ALSO coming up. You close your eyes. Your legs are heavy, you're barely marching anymore and as you slowly rub the back of your head to try and stimulate the MDMA in your brain you hear 'Sucker Punch' bleed through the famous underfloor Fabric speakers. You open your eyes and see your best mate's face 2 inches away from your's. He looks wild eyed and angry but he doesn't dig you, he slowly puts his arms around you and your head drops into his shoulder as he screams into your ear, "DJ MARY JANE! THIS IS DJ MARY JANE! SUCKER PUNCH! READ ABOUT IT ON TONKA'S WEEKLY REVIEW OF DANCE MUSIC BLOG LAST WEEK! COME ON! THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT! FUCKING COME ON!!" With that, you do whatever is left in your little bag and start to fucking dance. Stomp, stomp, stomp. This IS what it's all about.

Listen to DJ Mary Jane - 'Sucker Punch' HERE 9/10

Orlando Boom at Queen of Hoxton


I love going out in London and supporting new club nights. Orlando Boom is a new club night that I discovered by closing my eyes and clicking around the Resident Advisor London events page. That's how I discovered The End nightclub in 2004. On the 1st October 2011 I went to Queen of Hoxton on my own because all my mates had gone to 20 Years of Soma - I wish I'd gone with (them).

I'm not slating Orlando Bloom at Queen of Hoxton but when I look at the line up at Fabric that night I do wonder what the fuck was going through my head. Slam, Dinky, Funk D'Void, Terry Francis and Kiki all under one roof for the first time in 20 years. I don't want to knock Orlando Boom at Queen of Hoxton but when you pass up an opportunity to see Slam and Dinky go back-to-back in Room 1 you have to question your sanity. I was fucking stupid to be honest.

My mates said that 20 Years of Soma was probably the best night they'd had at Fabric since we all went to see Ricky V in July (see WRDM3). They said that Slam, quite literally, SMASHED the place inside out and even Terry Francis stepped up and played a set filled with minimal heartbreak bangers. Apparently, Dinky looked as gorgeous as ever and Kiki played live on stage. I was kicking myself all week - still am.

Orlando Boom at Queen of Hoxton: 6/10

That's the future of dance sewn up for a while. Please do check out DJ Disco Creep and DJ Mary Jane and then get out and support new nights like Orlando Boom and Fabric. These youngsters are just starting out in the (dance) world and they NEED you.

Forthcoming: Bust out your Wellingtons, buy a straw hat and some cider because it's that time of the year again! I'll be back NEXT Tuesday where I'll be talking about DJs and producers you DO know with my Festivals Special.

U P D A T E S

  • For those of you on Twitter who are interested in reading daily, mini-wrdms from me ring this number: @tonkawrdm 

  • I'm still working on 'Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)'. That'll be up on a future blog.

  • I'm toying with the idea of FILMING some footage. Contact me on tonkawrdm@gmail.com if you are in London and are any good at FILMING and editing. I'm talking classy, black and white footage of me telling fuckers about beats.
  • I'm still waiting for offers on Miami and /or paid work. Contact me by any means necessary to discuss terms.

WRDM7

This week's WRDM comes straight from the memories in my mind. I'm reviewing ME, the club nights I've been to, the DJs I've danced to, the dancing I've done and the tunes that made me dance to the DJs in the clubs that I went to. I am a man of expensive tastes and I only like nice things, so only the best will do. I'm only reviewing the BEST nights out. Maybe one day I'll name and shame the shit ones. Keep on reading MY blog HERE every week for that one...

For me, dance music began when my mate Draper handed me a copy of Miss Moneypenny's Glamorous One. Everything about that CD screamed sexy clubbing; from the sexy cover, to the sexy inlay card showing sexy celebrities dancing and throughout the sexy tunes that pulsated through the speakers when I played it in my sexless teenage bedroom. I urge everyone reading this big pile of shit to go on eBay NOW (after you've finished reading) and buy a copy. Then, when it drops on your doormat put the CD in your hi-fi and listen to CDs 1, 2 and 3 consecutively. Miss Moneypenny's really was the place to go to when I started out. To that end, I review my first ever clubbing experience.

Sundissential at Pulse Birmingham - 1999

I used to work in an office bolted on to a motorcycle exhaust manufacturing factory in the midlands. I was a procurement clerk. There were two lads in the factory whose job it was to weld things together and I got on well with them - I can't remember their names but they were always late. I would read Mixmag on my break and they would always ask if they could read it after me. I was quite shy in those days so I would always offer it up before I got to the singles reviews. My obedience impressed these two rough factory lads so they took me under their wings. I knew they were into dance music and I knew that they went clubbing a lot so one day I decided I would pluck up the courage to ask if I could accompany them on their next big night out. To my great surprise they said they would be delighted for me to join them. The night out? Sundissential at Pulse: the home of hard house.

I was excited and bought a new pair of trousers for the occasion; a pair of green and black hounds-tooth Farah flares. Saturday night, I met my colleagues at the bus stop and as we boarded the 51 to Birmingham these two nutters double dropped. They shoved a few into the palm of my hand but I said, "no, its not my thing", and handed them back. They asked me if I was joking. I shook my head and said, "no, thanks, they're not my thing." They laughed, told me to fuck off and handed them back to me. I said, "please lads, it really isn't my thing. I'll have a drink and have a nice time but, drugs?, no thanks lads. Not for me. Mug's game." We clambered the stairs to the upstairs area of the bus and sat at the back. Half way through the journey one of the lads suddenly grabbed my arms and pulled my head back, the other one punched me hard in the tummy then pushed a pill down the back of my throat before threatening me with a serious kicking if I didn't neck 5 seconds of vodka. I took the Smirnoff in my shaky hand and knocked it back, swallowing whatever it was he popped on my tongue. Turns out it was an ecstasy E tablet because by the time we arrived at the queue for Sundissential I was THANKING these two fuckers for beating me up on the bus. They said it was for my own good and I really couldn't have agreed with them more.

I think the DJs that night were Ian M, Lisa Lashes and Mick Rafferty. I remember that someone played a hard house remix of 'I Am The God Of Hellfire', which I recall dancing very seriously to. I danced on the dance floor and then on the stage with a couple of old age pensioners dressed like a pair of rainbows. I spent the rest of the night watching dancing nuns on the TV screens dotted about the place and thanking these two scum bag factory dossers for making me do Class A drugs. I soon became a Sundissential member and Saturday night regular - I still have my card so I suppose I could still go. 8/10





Clandestino Monday morning after party in a Shepherds Bush jazz club - 2004

I was in London by 2004 and a regular on the 'dance party scene'. Clandestino was a Sunday night at The End and I only ever went once. I went with my Australian colleague and her Italian flatmates/drug dealers. I remember looking at loads of fit birds with massive sunglasses (indoors!), dancing on one of the podiums and seeing a famous celebrity sports man on the dance floor. It was clubbing heaven. Midway through the night one of the Italians asked me if I wanted to do the after-party where he was DJing. I said yes, and he asked me for £10.

I love London for times like this. We jumped in a taxi at 6am Monday morning outside The End and I'm a bit fuzzy, surrounded by Italians and fit women on our way to Shepherds Bush. We rock up outside a jazz bar that LOOKS closed. One of the Italians knocks 4 times on the door and it is opened by a bouncer asking us to keep quiet and sneak downstairs. We get downstairs and there are Technics on the top of a Baby Grand Piano, 2004 electro spilling from the speakers and loads more massive sunglasses. I even saw a woman sniffing lighter fluid. Class.

Midway through the morning I joined top class rugby league/union and England international, *****n ****a* for some cocaine in the bogs. 7/10




Tiga Sexor Launch at The End - 2005

We saw DJ Tiga before he was famous; he was launching his Sexor album at The End nightclub in 2005. Out of all my gang I've always been the coolest lad in it. None of my mates had heard of him before then but I'd bought Mixed Emotions from a shop in Notting Hill in 2003 just because I thought it had a good cover. The bloke behind the counter asked me if I wanted a brown paper bag to take it home in because, to be fair, it does look fucking dirty.

Anyway, that night was amazing. DJ Tiga played, Altern8 turned up, Erol Alkan was there and Speculoos Dance Squad played a set that really blew me away (are they still going??). 'Window Licker' mixed in with 'Around The World'? 'The Rocker' mixed in with 'The Beach'? It was like listening to a fucking 2ManyDJs CD!

DJ Tiga was brilliant that night. He played lots of his own stuff and quite a few records by other people. I love DJ Tiga. I buy all of his mix CDs and even tried listening to his podcasts for a few weeks. I'm a very big fan. My one gripe is that he has a lovely head of hair but always wears a cap when DJing out live. I think this is a real shame. I've been championing the showbiz element to clubbing for weeks on here and I think DJ Tiga should display the playful side to him that you see in his inlay cards, his Facebook posts and interviews when behind the decks. Frankly, on the job he looks moody.

I know for a FACT that Marco Carola would kill for a look like DJ Tiga in his promos. Sunglasses at night is one thing...take your bloody cap off indoors!



Anyway, I would say my dancing that night was wicked. I did lots of hands facing down movements, like I was pushing down bin bags. Also, my legs were like jelly because I kept doing poppers, so I think that actually helped my fluid jive. 9/10


Soul Clap v Wolf + Lamb at Phonica Records - 2011

This was a free late afternoon party in London's best record shop this summer with my favourite DJ combo. It promised free beer and didn't deliver but that's ok, there was an off-licence just across the road that I sent my little sister to. I still didn't pay for any drinks.

I've talked about Soul Clap and Wolf + Lamb on here before so if you want to know why I like them re-read all of my posts so far and you'll find out. I like Phonica because, unlike most record shops around the country, they actually employ friendly people.

I genuinely enjoy shopping at London's Phonica Records. I find the staff enthusiastic and knowledgeable, especially the grey haired fella who dresses like a teenager.

Stick that endorsement on your adverts, Phonica!!

The shop was packed from start to finish and my dancing was a bit fucked actually. I didn't have room to kick out like I do at Fabric. The slow jams ended around 9pm but they will remain in my brain forever. 8/10




That's me reviewed then. DJ Tiga wins with his 2005 Sexor night.

I was going to talk about some good times at Sonar and Bestival but I have a Festivals Special lined up for the future so I'll save that for then.

I might be away for a couple of weeks because...I can't tell you why. I just will, so BEAR WITH ME but LOOK OUT FOR ME in different places on the internet.

Before I go I have just a last couple of reminders. I still want to cover Miami for someone next year and I am still waiting for a magazine or website to offer me PAID work. Get in touch with your offers on this number: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

Out

Tonka

Ps. I now have a Twitter account because I heard some bird who blogs on the radio say you have to get on Twitter if you want a good blog. Fuck knows how that helps but I got one anyway. FOLLOW me on THIS number: @tonkawrdm