WRDM35


"There. Blocked. I'll make sure that fucker never works in dance music again", is what I imagine Seb Wheeler - his face as gasping and red as the crevice of a baboon's arsehole - harrumphed at his desk as his sidekick; basketball-vest-cap-on-backwards and bedecked in sweat, paced slowly up and down behind him. Mouth-breathing and nodding, smartphone in hand and ready to deliver another lazy aside in my direction, Chubby Funster giggles and seeks authorisation.

- Are you ok, Seb? Shall I send him another meme?

- … … …

- Seb? Mate?

- … … …

- I’ll tell him that no one reads WRDM again if you want?

- … … …

- I’ve actually met Tonka, Seb. He’s alright in real life. Bit more handsome than you’d expect, but he’s humble with it. He’s actually alright actually.

- … … …

- Seb?

- … … …

- I’ve got a new Gesaffelstein song we can listen to, Seb.

- … … …


- Seb?

- … … …

…is what I then imagine happened at Seb’s desk in the immediate aftermath of one of the bloodiest Twitter spats ever witnessed (by people on Twitter).


Last week, I was blocked on Twitter by Mixmag’s Head of Bass for daring to question the weight of a Mixmag article and then eloquently defending myself against a barrage of unrelated criticism from their office. The article was a 188 word piece of puffery about how Hardwell has called Seth Troxler’s comments (which he made in the month of MAY) about Avicii “bullshit”, an article which in itself was a glorified rework of an inthemix article that was no more than a glorified advert for Hardwell’s new album and potential new tour. I fucking despair, I do.

I responded to the @Mixmag Tweet in an aggressive, CAPITAL LETTER-STYLE manner...


...a manner in which I unreservedly apologise for now, whilst not apologising in any way whatsoever for the content of my Tweet. I stand by the fact that this is not news. One DJ disagreeing with another is not news and I’m sick of seeing my Facebook and Twitter feeds filled up with wank from MASSIVE organs like Mixmag. Shouldn't a cash rich and established magazine like Mixmag have the best writers writing for it? Shouldn’t they publish the best articles? Am I naïve in thinking they shouldn't have to tout shit like this or is it all about selling ads and building stats nowadays? I don't read things like this on Resident Advisor. I don't see Attack Magazine peddling gossip. Teshno is full of articles and reviews of things and people I've never fucking heard of but I enjoy reading it because I can tell that the person writing has a passion for what he's writing about, and a heart. I can't say what the Ransom Note is like because the only thing I read on there is the excellent Tonka's Week every Friday, but I'm sure it's a good website.

All of those websites, and many more I haven't mentioned, are worth ten of Mixmag in a creative, literary and culturally significant sense but you'll only get to know them if you seek them out and ask the right people. If you have even a passing interest in dance music, Mixmag are in your face like a cock in a blowjob scene and YOU are the ones getting cum in your eyes every time you log on to your Facebook or Twitter feed.


'it'll get more traffic in a day than your blog gets in a year'

I don't know if Chubby Funster represents the soul of Mixmag these days when he defended the Hardwell article by saying it'll get as many views in a day as WRDM gets in a year. It's a bit of a rubbish come-back however way you look at it. No thanks to YOU, my viewing figures are fucking atrocious and Mixmag could Tweet an article about a piece of rained on cardboard that would still get more clicks than an entertaining and unique WRDM interview with Soul ClapPerc or Tim Sheridan (amongst many others), but at least it's ALWAYS original content on WRDM. Every post on here is made with love. I write not with a PR company or influential artist in mind, I write with YOU in mind: the loyal readership of WRDM, the ever-expanding family, the men and women who carry on through endless Hilarious Lookalikes, MASSIVE QUESTIONS and occasional reviews. The men and women, young and old, who laugh, cry and spunk with me every Friday on the Ransom Note, I write these words for you. Because we are friends, you will never be alone again so come on and cast aside your blinkers and see Mixmag, Pulse and the rest of these online click-bait fishermen for what they really are. If you can carry me to greatness you will therefore carry yourselves, and there will never be an opportunity as open as this to brush aside the tired old something something of the tired old something or other.

Or you can carry on reading gossip and participating in the biggest online masturbation party in the world...ever. I'm preaching to the converted in here so as soon as you read this week's WRDM, please share it. Please Tweet it. Please spread it all over your Facebook like lemon curd on toast. Please email people with the link saying, 'Have you read this?!' Please talk to your missus about it after a red hot love-making session like what Ethyl does.


I've had a number of prominent DJs/producers email and Twitter DM me in confidence after last week to say that they agree with me 100% but would rather not get involved publicly because of how influential Mixmag are.

Thank fuck I don’t rely on traffic or ads to make a living. Thank fuck I make more money in three months than an online electro/bass editor makes in a year. Thank fuck I don't have to care about the influence of Mixmag to stop me from piping up online about how shit SOME of their output is. Thank fuck that I’m Tonka. Thank fuck that I can write freely and am not obliged to copy and paste and share all of the PR shit that gets emailed to me every fucking day. Thank fuck that I can use discretion. Thank fuck that my job is not to hype hype hype the fuck out of whoever my boss has told me to hype hype hype. So, fuck Seb Wheeler. Fuck Chubby Funster. Fuck all the PR people who send me impersonal, badly written emails with spelling mistakes all over the shop and fuck Mixmag. Fuck anyone who hasn't got the confidence to say what they want to say about dance music because it might compromise a future job. Fuck you, learn some balls and then be nice about it.

If it's your job, and you work at one of these big magazines for a living, please try and bring up the quality of writing and shape an agenda not based on gossip and tabloid-style bite-sized snippets of what dance music is really about. Follow the lead of people who write and run websites and blogs for the love of it. Subvert the PR that you receive and create something new, something worth reading and stop selling the whole world dud pills when we could be licking pure mandy from the palm of your hand. Know what I mean?


I'm not an angry militant blogger. I'm not a keyboard warrior. I'm the nicest man in dance and I'm all about spreading the truth from behind the safe disguise of a shepherd JPEG, millions of words and an online personality Chubby Funster at Mixmag may describe as military-like and warrior-ish. I wouldn't describe it like that though and neither would you. Would you?

Poor old Chubby Funster, after I gave them both a good hiding on Twitter and Seb Wheeler blocked me, Chubby Funster stuck around for a bit and he now reminds me of the Bee Gee who didn't storm off of Clive Anderson's talk show. However, that is now by the by and, funnily enough, I now bear him no grudge. He know's I'm alright. He knows deep down that I'm right.



In summary then, Mixmag's article about Hardwell was lame, Chubby Funster's put downs of me on Twitter last week were lame and Seb Wheeler blocking me on Twitter for giving some back was lame. No offence.

I'll be back next Tuesday with loads more news, reviews and interviews. MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage is coming up and I also have a WRDM Special Report I'm writing with one of my industry moles about labels and producers buying up spots on the Beatport and Juno charts in order to gain gigs and more exposure in prominent on and offline publications. I really do fucking despair at it all.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
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\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Oh, before I forget. I really, really, really have to say this. One of the queens of pop, Kylie, is set to play three nights at The O2 on 29 and 30 September and 1 October as part of her Kiss Me Once tour.

As well as performing material from her new album she will also showcase a host of her classic hits. The new album, which is her first studio offering in four years, sees her team up with a host of hot artists including Pharrell Williams and HAIM.


Look At These Hilarious Lookalikes!

I'm so, so glad that you agree with me when I say that looking at people who look like other people is hilarious. I'm really glad about that because he's another collection of Hilarious Lookalikes for you to look and laugh at.

LOOK:


Fuck me, have you ever seen the king of children's telly, Justin Fletcher, in the same room as his rival, Mr Tumble? These two giants of CBeebies fight it out for laughs metaphorically every day at 9.45am and 2.45pm on the same programme, Something Special. Justin Fletcher also acts up on a programme called, proudly, Justin's House at 11am and 4pm. If Mr Tumble didn't have a red nose and freckles I'd swear down that he and Justin were the same person! ROFLOFL


Billionaire philanthropist Adam West bumbles around Gotham City and bores horny, money-grabbing Russian birds by reciting poetry before getting ambushed by super villains in fancy dress and eye-masks on a weekly basis. If he had the moody confidence of the person I think he looks like he'd not almost nail the sexy Russian birds, he'd most definitely be bell-end and cock shaft deep before you could say, Kapow! I think Adam West looks like Batman without a mask on. LOLoutLOUD.


Have you ever noticed that Christopher Reeve, the bloke who played Clark Kent in the film Superman, actually looks like that superhero, Superman, from the films, Superman I, Superman II, Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace? I have, and that's why I'm including the above picture in this week's Hilarious Lookalikes. They've even got the same kiss-curl fringe. The only difference is that Christopher Reeve works on a news desk instead of whatever whatever whatever, this is a properly fucking shit post, sorry. PMSL.



I do wonder why I carry on churning out Hilarious Lookalikes sometimes. Those three were fucking shit and the conceit was tired after the first Mr Tumble joke. By the time it got to Superman I knew the legs had gone on it. The next one was going to be Fake Blood and Theo Keating out of The Wiseguys. I was going to end the post on Richie Hawtin and Robotman, so it's best I stop this now.

I'll be back shortly with more dance music reviews, news and interviews. MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage will be online before you know it, the second MRDM podcast will be on the airwaves somewhere soon and I'll probably be doing some World Cup stuff over the next few weeks. I've already bought my face-paint and plastic bowler hat with a St. George Cross on the top of it (the plastic bowler hat). I can't fucking wait to see Roy Hodson lifting that World Cup at the end of the World Cup Final in Brasil next month. Can you? My mate's even done a blog about it: iamnotzlatan.blogspot

Speaking of hilarious lookalikes, I wrote some EXCLUSIVE reviews for The Sabotage Times over the weekend. You won't find them anywhere else so get stuck in by clinking this link here (they do look a bit like last week's Tonka's Week on Ran$om Note though. ROFLHARRIS): sabotagetimes/hot-mix-5-tonka-special

Discover more about me:

Twitter : @tonkawrdm

Facebook: facebook/tonkawrdm

My electric CV: linkedin/tonka

Please return, WRDM will definitely get better. Definitely.


MASSIVE QUESTIONS with SOUL CLAP


Pixies. Cheers. Boston Red Sox. Cheers. Soul Clap. Cheers. Albert DeSalvo. Fuck off. 7L & Esoteric. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Uma Thurman. Cheers. The After Dark nightclub. Cheers. Tea parties. Cheers. Ben Affleck. Cheers. Gang Starr. Cheers.

- What do all of those things that you’re saying “cheers” to have in common, Tonka?
- They all come from Boston.
- Thanks.

The above list is a something for something that proves beyond doubt that Boston does not do things by halves. They do things to the max, full blast and to the nth degree; meaning that if you don't like to party hard or do things to an unbelievably mad level like that bloke who strangled everyone, get the fuck out of Boston and go home to wherever it is you live because Boston won't want you if you're a half-measure.


I’m not a half-measure, I’m a yard. I’ve got the words ‘Always Partying Hard’ tattooed on the palm of my left hand and I do things to an irresponsible level at all times, so I could see the city of Boston salivating as I approached the runway. Whilst Jeremy the Jet Plane touched down at Boston Logan I put my X-ray specs on, gazed out of the cockpit window and grinned at the sight of Eli Goldstein and Charles Levine in Arrivals, hurriedly scribbling my name on an A4 piece of paper and making sure their hair was straight. Eli even did that thing where you lick the tips of your first and middle fingers and trace your eyebrows flat.

Here I was, in Boston, Massachusetts, USA, America to meet my favourite (if I had a gun to my head) DJ and production duo. After high-fiving one another outside WHSmith, we were whisked off into what looked like a taxi and sped off to Deuxave on Commonwealth Avenue for a delicious slap-up meal…on the Soul Clap company credit card.

I clicked 'Record' on my little Dictaphone and set about grilling Soul Clap like two rounds of cheese on toast.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. For anyone unfamiliar with the name Soul Clap, could you tell them who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A. We do what we wanna do, we say what we wanna say, live how we wanna live, play how we wanna play!

(At this point, Charles opened up my white iPad2 and made me watch this video)


Q. Has establishing yourselves in the music industry been an uphill struggle or a piece of piss because of how good you are at your jobs?
A. It's taken a lot of work to get where we are. Maybe not uphill, but a long ravey adventure.

Q. I'm writing these MASSIVE QUESTIONS whilst waiting for a grade 3 round the back and sides and tidied up on top at Sergio's in Northolt. Where are you writing your answers?
A. We're getting fades and line-ups too!


Q. How did you come up with the moniker, Soul Clap? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing Soul Clap with ‘DJ’, like proper DJs (DJ Soul Clap), or suffixing it with something more exciting like Boston Stranglaz (DJ Boston Stranglaz) or Cherry MC and Captain Techno (DJ Cherry MC and Cap…no, ignore that question – it doesn’t make sense or work if there’s two of you.

No, hold on. If you can answer it, do. If not, don’t worry about it and just answer the first sentence of the question. Cheers, Tx.
A. LOL. You stoopid.

Q. Clap or snare?
A. Triangle!


Q. Dancing on the Charles Volume 2 is out now. How representative of the party is this CD? I.e. Did you select the songs that got the best reactions at your party in Boston, wrote down which ones they were and then compiled a list when you got home, scoring each track by audience appreciation and then whittling them down to a 13 track final cut to be released as soon as possible or was it compiled in a different way, a way that you’d like to tell the readers of WRDM about now?
A. Well, the party got shut down 4 years ago and at that time there weren't many producers making good electronic music in Boston. So at this point the party and the compilation are pretty unrelated, it's just a cool name!

Q. Does Dancing on the Charles mean what I think it means? Winking smiley face.
A. No, it means it was a gathering of people that got together and took turns stepping on Charlie (one half of Soul Clap).




Q. Bosq is involved on the album. He knocked out my favourite podcast of 2013, by a fucking mile. I even went down the shops and bought his album for Christmas! Are Bosq’s multi-culti songs influencing your sound now or is he starting to play more traditional house stuff in his sets like what you do?
A. Bosq is truly original. He's from Boston so he can play everything. His multi-culti sound continues to influence us for sure.

Q. Fans of mine know how much I love Sónar; I partied down, hard and on in 2007 and 2008 with Draper, Mickey John and my former gang; 'Da Ultimate Ketamine Krew'. The Crew Love tour terminates near Sónar in June. Will you be staying in a beautiful apartment in Barcelona that might cost a lot of money but is a place and time you'll look back on fondly in years to come (2007) or will you be spending as little as possible on accommodation and end up existing in a dirty, cramped little shit hole for the weekend deleting ketamine (2008) and regretting the financially-influenced decision for at least six years down the line?
A. We're most likely going to be sleeping in a gutter on La Rambla.


Q. What are Wolf + Lamb really like?
A. A bunch of dicks.

Q. Did you ever play anything that wasn't released in the 1990s at one of your 90s Jam parties? Are there any more planned?
A. That's insulting. Of course we only play 90's music at our 90's parties. Except when we screw up and play a song from the 80's or 00's that we thought was from the 90's, but actually wasn't. When that happens the crowd boos you and throws beer cans. Yes, we will 90's Jam someday.




Q. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A. RoboCop bro.

Q. I came up with a name of a track called Nuthin’ But An E Thang about seven years ago but never capitalised on the great idea by creating anything for it. Would you be interested in making a track called Nuthin’ But An E Thang, sampling Leon Hayward and crediting me on it? Nuthin’ But An E Thang (Tonka’s WRDMDMA Dub).
A. Yes.


Q. Soul Clap (you) look like genuinely nice people and I would happily buy you BOTH at least one pint of beer next time you’re in London. How have you managed to steer clear of persuasive magazine editors and photographers who seem to insist on DJs being portrayed as dark and mysterious arseholes who frown a lot and crouch down in corners looking properly fucking moody?
A. Well we're a couple goofy idiots, it's pretty hard to hide that.

Q. Do you have anything else to say in your defence, or would like to plug?
A. We did a track with Robert Owens that's coming out on our label Soul Clap Records this summer. It even has Louie Vega remixes. We're very proud to have worked with 2 legends on one record!

Thanks Tonka, keep up the good work!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What a lovely couple of young men! Please join me in congratulating Soul Clap on a stellar career so far and wish them every success for all of their future endeavours.

Dancing on the Charles Volume 2 is out now on Soul Clap Records. You MUST buy it: FROM HERE

Soul Clap are on Twitter: @soulclap
Soul Clap are on Facebook: facebook/soulclap
Soul Clap are on after Lovebox with PillowTalk and Mark Farina in July: afterdark/fierce-not-shady

I'll probably be back next Tuesday with lots more dance music news and reviews, MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage and etc, etc, etc, etc. Nuthin' But An E Thang (Tonka's WRDMDMA Dub) will be out in the near or far out groovy future on Soul Clap Records.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm

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Look at my electric CV: linkedin/tonka


WRDM34

I'd just made myself a brown sauce sandwich on brown bread. Two mouthfuls in I smiled, placed the sandwich down on my favourite brown plate and typed in my Twitter username and password into the relevant fields.

tonkawrdm
maayannidam69


One or two controversial/predictable Tweets from Doug Stanhope about that young chap in America who terminated them young women for not getting off with him. Everyone from Mixmag hyping one another up MASSIVELY and showing off. My dear friends at Defected enjoying themselves in Ibiza. Me being nice and promoting others over my own. Everyone from Mixmag having a lovely time in Ibiza and showing off about it. Ran$om Note notes about brilliant things I've never heard of and beautifully written articles. A picture of Ania and Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live exploring a Brixton nightclub without me that made me feel sad. Attack Magazine posting seven page articles about drum machines. More pictures of my chums at Defected partying all night long in Ibiza without me. Announcements from junior Mixmag staff about their impending arrival in Paris for a dance festival I'd not been invited to, let alone heard of. Pittsburgh Track Authority in Detroit. De-fucking-De-fucking-troit without me.



I forced the rest of my brown sauce sandwich into my mouth and went cross-eyed with rage. Gagging on a brown sauce sandwich and violently shaking my shoulders, I put my fist through the black Samsung laptop that sat there laughing at me, smashing a hole through the display screen just wide enough for me to put my other fist through. After that, I spat on the keyboard, head-butted the Backspace key and then head-butted the F, U, C, K, O, F and F keys before screaming like a dog klaxon at the mirror on my ceiling, shattering it on purpose and using the shards of glass to scratch at the remains of the laptop display screen. I did not want to see any more holiday photos of people at Mixmag and Defected. I did not want to read any more pretentious ramblings from Andrew Fucking Ryce, that bloke who used to do Minimal Messages and Todd L Burns. I did not want to see Viz scanning the entire contents of their current edition after I'd already bought it. I did not want to see. You know? Do you? Do ya?


Every drop of bile in my body came out of my eyes as I folded myself up onto my brown kitchen floor and cried, desperately trying to swallow the crusts of my brown sauce sandwich with shattered glass, bits of laptop and bitter memories surrounding my sorry, sat down body.

Even for a shop, I thought enviously to myself, that Defected shop on Brick Lane was fucking commercial. Still, I got loads of free Red Stripe out of it and it was a chance to catch up with my great pals at the label. That thought cheered me up no end so I went to the shops in Northolt, bought myself a brand new black Samsung laptop and Tweeted about it.

I'm writing this post with a cup of tea in one hand, a Tesco split pot strawberry yoghurt in the other, Black Mahogani on the stereo and a pair of dotty socks on my feet. Does life get any better?


What a return to form that post was, eh? Be sure to come back next week for either MASSIVE QUESTIONS with ANNE SAVAGE, an exciting announcement, the second Monthly Review of Dance Music podcast or MASSIVE QUESTIONS with SOUL CLAP. I'm not sure which one of those it'll be yet so please bear with me. Thank you.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
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Employ me (LOLoutLOUD): linkedin/tonka

WRDM33

The Weekly Review of Dance Music is world famous for reviewing dance music on a weekly basis. This week's Weekly Review of Dance Music is no different because I'm sat here in my Northolt HQ at the kitchen table listening to a hastily air-mailed Pittsburgh Track Authority 12" dub plate here, checking out a tape from Mosca that he had couriered to me by motorcycle there and watching a super, uber, crazy and hella cool music video by Richard Fearless on my brand new 128" plasma screen above the sink, whilst the kettle rattles away in the background and half a dozen Tonkettes prepare my bubble bath.

I love being the managing director of a hugely successful, award winning blog.


Mosca is a moody-looking fucker who stands around in the dark being photographed in sportswear AND knitwear, and that's why I like him. He also makes tunes that sound great in dark basements and warehouses when you're wearing tracky tops and, if you're into sweating, knitwear. No Splice No Playback is the first release by Mosca on the new label he's started, Not So Much. I don't know why he's called his label what he called it or why he called the first release what he called it, all I know is that the two tracks on No Splice No Playback are fucking brilliant.

The word 'suckle' makes you think of lickle babies drinking milk out of their mommy's boobies doesn't it? It does though, doesn't it? It just does. Not for much longer; listen to Suckle by Mosca and you'll forever associate the word with six and a bit minutes of dark and sexy techno that could easily sit in the background of an attic level in Resident Advisor 3: Nemesis on the Playstation 2, in a good way.




Vinny made me step away from my ironing board to close my eyes and wonder if I was actually stood in a Shepherds Bush basement, gently wading from side to side, surrounded by strangers, ketted up, pilled up, poppered up and quietly gurning to myself. A warm Italian hand running slowly up the nape of my neck, holding it there before making circles on the back of my head as I lose myself further to a relentless, oft-bleeped rhythm.

- Where are my friends?
- Sono andati a casa per ascoltare un CD Mixmag. E 'ok, tu sei con me adesso, buster. Questo è tutto.

Mosca - No Splice No Playback: 9/10
Released: 2 June 2014 on Not So Much

Have Pittsburgh Track Authority ever done anything shit? No. Their back catalogue reads like a brochure of things that aren't shit. Enter The Machine Age, the first full-length album by the all-American, bearded and baseball capped trio, is not about to blot the copy book of their back catalogue OR brochure because it's fucking brilliant. I've listened to this album about nine times now and it still strikes me how rich and spacey it all sounds as a whole. BPM-wise, it runs the gamut. Genta is 130BPM, Give Me A Chance is 120BPM, Broader Disco is 120BPM, It's Over is 125BPM, Visions Of Serengeti is 120BPM, Cutthroat is 128BPM, Naked Triple is 123BPM and at 113BPM, Debonair is the slowest song on the album.



Would I recommend buying Enter The Machine Age when it comes out in the shops this month? Does a bear shit in the woods and wipe his arsehole with a fluffy white rabbit?

Pittsburgh Track Authority - Enter The Machine Age: 9/10
Released: May 2014

Richard Fearless out of Death in Las Vegas has made a video for his new dance song, Higher Electronic States. Look:



Fuck me, have you ever seen a better dance music video than this? Don't answer that. Let me. No, you haven't. It's properly fucking impressive, isn't it? Don't answer that. Let me. Yes, it is.

Fans and long-time readers of WRDM will be surprised that I like this high-conceptual based abstract photography inspired piece of art because I've always BANGED on about how my favourite dance music videos portray the producer of the song showing off abroad like in:



And:



...but Richard Fearless has made a video that, in my opinion, can stand eye-to-eye, toe-to-toe and cock-to-cock with David Morales and Tall Paul in any dance music video gentlemen's urinal room. I'll go as far as to say that Higher Electronic States the song is great, and the video is excellent, but when you put them both together it's fucking brilliant.

Richard Fearless - Higher Electronic States: 9/10
Released: 26 May 2014 on Drone

What a BOSTIN' bunch of things I've reviewed this week, eh? None of them scored less than 9/10!!! Please boost my moral and raise awareness for the above artists by retweeting, sharing and posting this week's WRDM all around the internet like letters in a cartoon village.

I'll definitely be back next Tuesday with: MASSIVE QUESTIONS with ANNE SAVAGE. Definitely.

FOLLOW ME: @tonkawrdm
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OFFER ME WORK: My CV

Hilarious Lookalikes LOL ;-)

If you think that I'm doing another round of Hilarious Lookalikes because I'm out of things to write about, can't be bothered to review anything or am still waiting for Anne Savage to respond to my MASSIVE QUESTIONS, you're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak. I'm doing another round of Hilarious Lookalikes because I genuinely think that lookalikes are hilarious, especially dance music related lookalikes! Fucking hell, have you ever noticed how the following people LOOK like other people?! LOLoutLOUD.

Carry on through this post but please don't send me the hospital bill after your sides have split open and your eyes have fallen out of their sockets through laughing, smiling and laughing so hard (and much).


Green Velvet AND Cajmere have been persuaded to DJ back-to-back at Random Magic on Saturday night because of an unprecedented level of chutzpah, ambition and thinking-outside-the-boxism by the promoters, who are very dear friends of mine. When you're there, wander around the dance floor and ask the boz boz for some yellow bentines, triple sods and clarky cats. No, scratch that, you might end up quadraspaz on a life glug! Know what I mean? I mean that Green Velvet, Cajmere and Chris Morris all look like one another and you might confuse the three of them! Green Velvet fans won't know what a quack candle is and might punch your lights in! PMSL

GO TO RANDOM MAGIC ON SATURDAY NIGHT: rsn-tickets/random-magic


Heidi Fleiss and Oona Chaplin have famously never been photographed together. Coincidence? Or is it because they're the same person living alternate realities due to a mystic breakdown of their individual existences in parallel dimensions on Earth? You tell me. All I know is that they don't half look like one another! ROFLOFL


Tepid Since Forever? I didn't say that. Winking smiley face. I really didn't though, it was Mike. Or Wil. Somebody that wasn't me said Tepid Since Forever. Maybe it was Micky John. I can't remember but it definitely wasn't me. However, whoever it was won't be calling Hot Since 82 Tepid Since Forever after they see that he looks a bit like the A-list, super cool actor, Tim Roth off of the Quentin Tarantino films. Will they? Eh? He does a bit. LOLoutLOUD


Everyone always bangs on about how great DJ Sprinkles is. They'll be banging on even more when they read the Weekly Review of Dance Music and learn that he looks exactly like Dr Melfi off of The Sopranos! DJ Sprinkles plays at my very dear friend's party in June, Thunder. ROFL

DJ SPRINKLES AT THUNDER. LOOK: residentadvisor.net/event


Imagine if Bros had ever done party drugs and started to make rave music and videos with foul-mouthed Scottish magicians instead of their incredibly popular and lucrative pop music before opening up the best nightclub in London for about a decade, closing it down in its prime and relocating to America for a bit whilst maintaining a high creative output and a gruelling international DJ schedule? They'd be Mr C who, incidentally, they look like! SMSLOLOLOL

That'll do for now. I was going to Google the words 'techno DJ' and see what else I could come up with but I'm tired of the idea...for now. Come back in a few months for more Hilarious Lookalikes. LOL.

Next Tuesday is MASSIVE QUESTIONS day with Anne Savage. Definitely.

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Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com


WRDMonthly Review of Dance Music

Fuck me, I've only been banging on about doing a podcast for about a billion years! This is it. Last Thursday night I felt like Eminem on his way to that rap battle in his film, The Eighth Mile, all nervous and pumped up, drinking about six cans of Red Stripe before even stepping foot into the microphone.

Not really. It's called 8 Mile.

Get your bonce around this and share it around the internet. The next one will be in May 2014.

MRDM is a collaboration between WRDM, Ransom Note, Butchers Row Studios and YOU, the loyal listeners.

Extra special thanks to Leaf, Wil, Mike Boorman, Ania, Manu and Shabs off of Channel 4 Drugs Live.

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WRDMusic Conferences

Can you imagine going to two dance music conferences in one weekend? Eh? Can you? ONLY in London and Brighton can you go to two dance music conferences in one weekend and that's exactly what I'll be doing this weekend when the weekend comes and I go to the Brighton Music Conference and the London Electronic Music Event over the course of just one weekend to cover both events for the Weekly Review of Dance Music and Ransom Note, who are on a different channel.


I've not been this excited since the time my lady doctor diagnosed me as being addicted to not having blow jobs and prescribed a course of three blow jobs per day for six months, with weekly check-ups at her surgery for blow jobs off of her red hot German teenage lesbian bisexual junior doctor. The BMC and the LEME are going to be fucking brilliant.

I'm looking forward to meeting up with the great and the good of UK and abroad dance music. I'll be attending as many workshops and PowerPoint presentations as I can. I'll be mingling with the top brass from record labels and networking like I've never networked before.

- Why Tonka?

- Because I'm a brown-nosing cunt who thinks that it might be financially beneficial to me in the long run Because I love dance music and it's my duty to be there, to represent the blogging community and to file a responsible and objective report on the two conferences.


Everyone bangs on about Miami, Amsterdam and Miami but, for my money, Brighton is where it's at. Stony beaches, wind and rain, a colourful social life for gentlemen who like gentlemen and women who like women and a pier that has a few amusement arcades on it all welcome you in like the first smack of smack after you've injected a little bit of smack into your knackers. I love Brighton, I've been there twice in the last thirty three years and I can't wait to get back there this weekend for the BMC.

I have a busy schedule lined up. I'm not allowed to say who I have confirmed for an interview at 1pm on the Saturday for legal reasons and I'm not going to give you any clues.



I will just say that I'm very much looking forward to asking some MASSIVE QUESTIONS and leave it at that.

I'm also looking forward to the following:

11:45 - 12:15
Exhibition Floor
Occupational Health and Safety in the Music Industry

Clubbers, DJs and people in the entertainment industry don't think enough about health and safety. At WRDMHQ we have a H&S representative and three fire wardens for each department. Can you imagine if an employee or punter died at YOUR club and the blame game was played? Imagine losing the blame game and having the local authorities closing down YOUR club. If you don't adhere to basic H&S in the workplace then you're liable for all sorts of action further down the line and the action I'm talking about won't just be terminal for the poor fucker who died bending over to pick up his dropped pill instead of bending his/her legs. I'm talking about potential fines and licencing sanctions. Think about it and get yourself down to Brighton for this eye-opening talk by Jonathan Heale from Advanced Communication Solutions Ltd.

Not sure what time
Not sure which café
Resident Advisor's Ryan Keeling interviewing Eats Everything in a café (!)

RA man, Ryan, having a chat with Eats Everything over a cup of tea and a slice of cake. I hope Ryan doesn't turn his back because Eats Everything will no doubt eat everything off of Ryan's plate! LOLoutLOUD.


15:05 - 15:50
The Founders Room
History of Electronic Music

Not that I need telling, but I'll be going along to this to support friend of WRDM, Bill Brewster and potential friends of WRDM, Dave Haslam, DJ Pierre, Dave Pearce and Tony Andrews from Function One. I'll be the one in the audience nodding and pre-empting everything everyone on the panel has to say.

16:45 - 17:15
The Founders Room
The Journey to the Top for a Female DJ

I'll be quite pissed by this stage of the day so I won't be moving far from The Founders Room. Luckily for me, I'll be nice and settled for the final masterclass of the day. And what a masterclass, eh lads?! I'll be sat there, all boozed up watching Anne Savage, Lisa Lashes and Miss Monument talking about how they made it to the top and stayed there (at the top). If I'm feeling boorish, I might shout out the occasional sexist comment and look around for encouragement from other men. That's a big 'if' though. I'm more likely to be making notes on my notepad for the BMC review I'll be writing as soon as the conference finishes.

Get yourself to the inaugural Brighton Music Conference (11 - 12 April) and be a part of an event that is a long time coming to the UK.

BUY TICKETS: brighton-music-conference-tickets


Over-lapping the Brighton Music Conference is the the London Electronic Music Event, in London. I don't know too much about LEME, as I affectionately call it, because I've only recently started to get interested in these kinds of things. However, what I do know is that you cannot argue with a line-up containing Karenn, Hypercolour, Ableton, Theo Parrish, Legowelt and Tonka. Those kinds of names echo down the ages and fill you with enough confidence to buy a ticket for the event.

LEME takes part over the coming weekend in Bethnal Green at Rich Mix. It's a lively venue and perfect for a couple of days of artist keynote speeches and performances, industry panels, production workshops and networking sessions. I'm very proud to have been asked to sit in on a panel discussing the future of music journalism on the Sunday morning. Whether I'm in any fit state to open my mouth after BMC remains to be seen, so see it for yourself buy purchasing tickets.



I'll be trying to keep my head above water and pretend that I know what I'm talking about with Dan Beaumont, Terry Farley, a journalist from The Times, a PR lady and a bloke called Miles who puts on parties with people like Keith WorthyDJ Sprinkles and Marcellus Pittman. I'm absolutely fucking shitting myself.

BUY TICKETS: samplemagic.com/leme-full-weekend-pass

I'm bored of writing now and I have to go and have my third blow job of the day. I'll be back next week with MASSIVE QUESTIONS with the person I interviewed at BMC and much, much more.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Like me: facebook.com/tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

MASSIVE QUESTIONS with IAN M


For men and women of a certain age (33 1/2) who grew up in the midlands and went to the same nightclubs as me, and were into the same DJs as me, and were into hard house like what I was, Ian M is a name that will send shivers down and up their spines.

Ian M is one of my all time favourite DJs and producers. He, along with Tony De Vit, Dave Randall and Untidy Dubs were music makers you could rely on to churn out hard house of a quality that was sometimes rare in the late nineties/early noughties. After Tony died, Ingo Starr, Fergie and Eddie Halliwell fucking ruined hard house and I don't mind saying that out loud behind a blog that I don't put my real name to.

- How did they ruin hard house, Tonka?

- They just did.

Ian M plays rock hard but with a panache and sensitivity that makes you forget that what you're listening to is about 145 bpm. I remember seeing him at the Mezzanine in Wolverhampton for a Tidy Trax party and he played a track that sounded like a rubber band being flicked over a 909 kick, but the rubber band sample had been pitched down so low that it sounded like the colour black, if that makes sense? Just a 909 kick and a pitched down rubber band sound for about nine minutes. It was fucking brilliant.



I met Ian M for dinner at the Osteria del Portico in Ealing. I paid for a delicious three course meal and drinks on the WRDM company card and we conducted the entire interview in Italian, for a laugh.

Here is the translated transcript of everything we said to one another:

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Q) For anybody unfamiliar with the name Ian M could you tell us who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A) For any 'absolute virgins' of the hard house/dance scene, I have been a full time DJ for more than five mins (joke!). I was one of the main residents at Trade at Turnmills (considered in its day to be an industry standard) for about 8 years before I left around 2001. I followed on from Tony de Vit’s 8am til 10am set at Trade every week which, when I reflect back upon, think to myself that it was a bloody good experience.

I have also been involved with and released original tracks and remixes (e.g. The Dreamer and Annihilation) for various labels like Tidy Trax, Tripoli Trax, Mohawk & others (go to discogs.com/Ian-M for more details).

Finally, with the question, “Why do I do it?” my answer is simple, it must be my love of good music.



Q) Was establishing yourself in the music industry a MASSIVE uphill struggle or something that you were all cocky about because you knew you had the talent for it?
A) I have never thought myself to be cocky or even thought of myself as God’s gift. I would say it was not easy getting to where I am nowadays. I have had loads of peaks and dips throughout my career but you learn from the experiences. It has always been a struggle being a DJ and more so today, because everybody wants to be a DJ. Even now, I am always learning to be better.

However, as I have said before you put it all down to good experience, as some people will say it is like doing your apprenticeship.




Q) How did you come up with the moniker, Ian M? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with DJ, like a proper DJ (DJ Ian M) or suffixing DJ with something more exciting like ‘Brick Knocka’ (DJ Brick Knocka) or ‘Mix Masta Masha’ (DJ Mix Masta Masha)?
A) It was actually Alex Laird (Manager of ex-Subway City) who came up with the idea for a Thursday night event called Rim held at Bakers, but he spelt it as Ean M at first. After slagging him off for the mis-spelling, we agreed on the Ian M moniker in the end because we thought it was better than people having to say my full name. So today, I just call myself Ian M but some promoters put my name out as DJ Ian M, most do not.

At end of the day, what difference does it make? If I am booked to play at a club, then it is pretty obvious. And I wouldn’t really say calling yourself “Brick Knocka” or “Mix Masta Masha” as exciting. Nowadays names like that make yer sound like a prat as far as I’m concerned.

Q) One bar snare fill or a high pitched vocal “come on!”?
A) Both please with a side dish of cheesy fries & a dildo smile.




Q) As a successful DJ, are you able to go clubbing and relax or are you constantly comparing yourself to who’s playing?
A) It’s very rare I would go to a club when I’m not working but whenever I have popped into a club, I get the odd funny look and people shake my hand & generally say hello and sometimes we’ll end up in conversation. Moreover, I never compare myself to anyone else because every DJ is different in his or her own special way.

Q) One of the saddest days of my life was when Pulse (Birmingham) got closed down. I thought that it was the spiritual home of Sundissential and my hard house days started to wind down shortly after. What are your memories of the late 90s hard house heyday?
A) Funnily enough, I remember that place as The Powerhouse (with DJ Funky Dunk) before it was called Pulse. I do remember the Tony de Vit Memorial Night with Boy George and Judge Jules playing. However, when it comes to memories from those times, they are few and far between, it was a very mental time to be a DJ. Sometimes we had around four or five gigs in ONE NIGHT, we were rushing around the country like headless chickens. Actually, friends remind me of some of the funny times we used to have at the old gigs around the country.


Q) Do you have any good Madders anecdotes?
A) When it came to Madders, you were worried in case he never coughed up the DJ fees. Afraid he owed me a few pennies in those days; of course, you have to write it off now. But I like to joke about it.........NOT!! I remember he used to come up to the DJ box either in Brum or in Leeds and shout to me “COME ON!! BANG IT OUT WILL YER!!” because I use to hold back playing the harder tunes.

Q) Where is Madders now?
A) Why? Does he owe you money as well? He, he!



Q) Some people are quick to slag off hard house and dismiss it as fairground music. Am I right in saying that in a game of Top Trumps, Tidy Trax and Tripoli Trax of the 90s/very early noughties would fucking hammer a team of Ed Banger and Kitsuné?
A) Fairground music? You must be joking! Have you heard Hardcore or Hard Style these days? As per any music genre, there are sub-levels to it as well. Therefore, with Hard House, of course, you can have some fluffy flavours but it can also have some 'fucked-up' hard flavours. Some tunes would give some Lenny Dee tunes a run for its money.

I think people are mixed up with all the different genres these days. I know I do. So nowadays, I tend to call em all “Council House”. In addition, get this interesting fact, in America Todd Terry is considered to be Hard House. Work that out eh? And these are the people who call “EDM” dance music these days. I shall say no more?

Q) Kathy Burke. Would ya?
A) Would you?


Q) Was there a Tidy Trax and Tripoli Trax beef or did they get along well?
A) Many moons ago, they got on like a house on fire but bugger knows these days? I would say they STILL love each other. Amo loves everybody!! Anyway, does it matter? Don’t think I’ll lose any sleep over it.

Q) Curate your fantasy club night. What’s it called? What’s the line-up (dead or alive)? Where’s the venue? Is there a dress code?
A) I would probably call the night either 'Cum & Get It' or 'Up Yours'. The line up would be DJs who are really, really passionate about the music they play and it will be properly programmed. I know who I’d personally ask to play but I’d like to keep it a secret.

The venue would be a “Turnmills” style club with the most unreal Digital 3D/Surround Professional Sound System. In addition, of course, I wouldn’t have a dress code. People can come as they want, dress as they want BUT leave all the attitude outside the door also come with a musical open mind because the night wont be sticking to one music dance genre.

Q) What advice would you give to me any young readers of this blog who want to make a name for themselves in the music industry?
A) DON’T!!! Unless you are willing to sell yer soul to the devil. I tell the young un’s keep yer full time job and look at dj’ing as a part time hobby cos I’m afraid there isn’t any money in the music industry, that’s unless yer Simon Cowell obviously.

The government is going out of its way to close club land down, you only have to look at all the clubs that have closed in London recently. Don’t forget to thank Mayor Boris for making it difficult to license venues as well. The Ministry of Sound club recently nearly copped it but they managed to fight back and keep themselves open but what have they done, put bloody flats next door or close by. They have done the same around the country in all the cities. It is outrageous really! Eventually, the people will bite back but it maybe too late at this rate.



Q) Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A) I have done one of these descriptions only once and vowed, I would not do it again. Guess which one.

Q) What are your plans for 2014?
A) With the new label, running that will keep me busy in one form or another. We’ve got some wicked stuff due for future release, from the likes of Steve Thomas, Andy Farley, Little Jon, Knuckleheadz, 12” Thumpers, Kris O’Rourke (originally from Derby but now lives in Brisbane) and some new local Midlands artists like Kieran Browne and Dark Element...and of course, me!!!

I shall be embarking upon my second PURE IAN M 6 hour set in October. The first one was such a success, the MORE ON THE DOOR boys decided on the night to hold another one in 2014. It was fun because it gave me chance to play different types of music and styles. I think it surprised many people and was talked about for weeks. In addition, it gives me a chance to highlight new talent to the London crowds like Tim Clewz & Kirsty Lee James.

Finally, I’d really like to earn enough to survive and pay the bills. Times are tight out there people.



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What a lovely man! Nobody has ever said to me that I sometimes use the Weekly Review of Dance Music for selfish and nostalgic purposes, and to form balsa wood contacts with DJs, producers and people on the scene I would never had got access to ten years ago, but I regularly imagine that that's what people think. Let this weeks MASSIVE QUESTIONS be a MASSIVE message to anyone who thinks that I live in the past from time to time.

Ian M is a hero of mine and, as I said before, a lovely young man, so do me and him a favour by getting right behind him from this day forth. All of the YouTube clips I've included in this post prove beyond doubt that hard house, when done properly, and with the right amount of subtlety, can be just as fucking good as your technos and your minimal technos.

The official Ian M Soundcloud page, not one of the many hundreds of bootleg pages: soundcloud.com/dj-ian-m

The official Ian M Mixcloud page, not one of the etc, etc: mixcloud.com/DJIanM

Carboned label Soundcloud page: soundcloud.com/carboned-recordings

I'll be back next week with a very special post about something I've not yet thought through and Tonka's Week on Ransom Note will be on Friday, as agreed.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
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Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

These tracks also prove that hard house can be good:













LIVE AT TRADE:

UPDATE:  This is a live Ian M mix, rather than Tony De Vit, as stated. Whoever uploaded it has made a MASSIVE mistake. Ian assures me that he has the master tape for that particular mix and I have no reason whatsoever to disbelieve him.
































































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