MASSIVE QUESTIONS with NICK MONACO



If you'd not heard of Nick Monaco before opening up today's edition of the Weekly Review of Dance Music, you will have (heard of Nick Monaco) after you've finished reading this sentence. On Bank Holiday Monday morning, I was flown across the Atlantic Ocean on a big private jet and ushered directly into America by Soul Clap AND Wolf + Lamb, all of whom were desperate for their handsome young charge to be associated with the coolest website in the UK, the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music...my blog.

The private jet was coloured black and red and had the legend CREW LOVE splattered all over the sides in green Chiller font, and on the wings bore the 2D smiling faces of Wolf + Lamb on the left and Soul Clap on the right. It was almost as if they were all smiling into the sky, towards the Heavens, smiling directly at God and Jesus. If those 7' faces of Baby Prince, Wolf, Charles and Eli could talk, they'd say, "we're jus' smiling, guys."


Upon arrival in America, I was met by all of the Crew and whisked off in a long pink Limo to a nearby American Presidential suite at the local hotel where Nick Monaco was waiting for me. Champagne, slags and candles everywhere. He looked understandably nervous to meet me so I started with a joke to put him at ease.

"Fuck me, Nick, it looks like you've seen a ghost! We'll have to call you Casper from now on, mate."

This prize piece of banter set the bar high for the rest of our time together AND put Nick into a state of relaxation he'd not experienced before. Baby Prince stayed silently by Nick's side throughout (like the proper Prince in an interview he did in the 90s when he wore a mysterious white mask and let Mayte do all the talking) whilst the rest of them went for Big Macs, French chips and brown sauce.


Here is the transcript:

Q. For any of my readers who are unfamiliar with your work, could you tell them who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A. Greetings young world and may I first say thank you for having me on your show Sir Tonka, what a treat. I’m a Butterfly by day and Stalker by night. Full-Time professional (whatever that means) DJ and Producer from the San Francisco Bay Area. Music is my mating call, just waiting for the response. 

Q. Has establishing yourself in the dance music industry been really hard or really easy?
A. Initially hard, I started DJing and making music when I was 13 so it’s been 10 years of grinding and honing my craft, I’ve only been touring and doing music for a living the last 3 years. Once I found where I supposed to be in the music world, everything else sort of figured itself out.



Q. Your new album, Mating Call, is fucking brilliant. What's it all about?
A. Why thank you Tonka, means a lot coming from a man with such exquisite taste. I think it’s best summarized in a poem that a man on the streets of New York wrote for me when asked to ponder Mating Call:

Natural to life
From Birth is a feeling of attraction
Related to being
As fluent as sight and breath
It is without control
Until rules are stored
Making us think more
More than others would want or need
We work backwards
To learn to be
And when we discover ourselves again
With others we share in 
That which we have worked toward 
Since first sight
The great white light

Q. 4 bar snare roll or a crash on each of the last four beats before the start of a new bar?
A. Both! You really paid attention to the album, I’m impressed. May I just say, this interview is going really well so far. Let’s keep going.



Q. How did you come up with the moniker Nick Monaco? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing it with 'DJ', like a proper DJ, or suffixing it with something more exciting, like 'San Fran Baller' (DJ San Fran Baller) or 'Bosh Bosta' (DJ Bosh Bosta)?
A. Nick Monaco is my REAL NAME believe it or not! I’m the son of Antonio Monaco who’s the son of Giuseppe Monaco. San Fran Baller is what they call me on the basketball courts though.

Q. Have you ever been to Monaco?
A. Never been to Monaco but I’ve always imagined that I could walk into any bar, show them my ID, and they would greet me with a free drink since I share the country’s namesake.

(TRIPLE NICK)


Q. Have you ever been in the nick?
A.What an existential question, I’m intrigued. I have my moments where I feel like the external socially constructed nick coalesces with the internal primordial nick, those moments are like nirvana but they are usually fleeting, then it’s back to the perennial existential debate of “who am I really?” which gets confusing as a Gemini, we have such fluid identities.

Q. Who does the artwork for your current singles and albums? They remind me of Jean-Michele Basquiat’s graffiti, but a lot less bleak, mixed with the colourful early album artwork of Grace Jones.
A. The artwork is done by a London-based Lynnie Zulu. Do your senses a favor and explore her work, she is one of my favorite artists of all time, I’m so honored to be working with her. LynnieZulu.com - she’s done all of my art since my Stalker EP. If I could paint I think my art would look like hers. And yeah, you’re right on the money, there’s definitely some Basquiat in there. Grace Jones is a huge inspiration to me, we were definitely inspired by early Grace Jones album art.



Q. If you had a gun to your head, would you choose Wolf + Lamb or Soul Clap?
A. I’m sitting next to Baby Prince from Wolf + Lamb right now so I’m going to say Wolf + Lamb. But they would have to kill me, both of them are my big bros 4 life!

Q. I don't tend to talk about the charity work I do with my WRDM Foundation for the kids of Northolt, but would you like to tell my readers about the wonderful things you do (for charity)?
A. I just started a new line of lipstick, to which all of the proceeds will go to help pay for gender-confirmation surgeries and other causes to support the LGBT community. It’s my way of challenging hyper-masculinity in the dance community and giving back to the community who formed this music that we cherish.



Q. What is Claude Von Stroke really like?
A. He’s a big teddy bear. He’s really honest as well. He really helped me out in the early years. I would send him like 3 demos a week and he would tear them apart, which pushed me to be better. I really respect his opinion and taste, when he likes something you know it’s good.

Q. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A. Chocolate milk drunk! It’s actually pretty hard to tell when I’m really drunk, I hide it really well.




Q. Do you have any words of advice for any young readers of WRDM who are looking to get into dance music?
A. Listen to everything going on in dance music and do the complete opposite. Listen to other kinds of music and let that be the inspiration for dance music. Make music from a core value, make something you believe in, be radical!

Q. What are your plans for the rest of this year? Will you be playing in the UK any time soon? If so, I’m in London, so be sure to let me know when you’re around because I’ll buy you and your mates at least one pint of beer.
A. If you buy the first pint I’ll buy the doner kebab at the end of the night. I’ll be touring my album pretty heavily the rest of the year doing my live set, just wrapping up visuals to accompany it so that’ll be something I’ll be perfecting over the next coming months.

We’re doing another Crew Love in London in October at a place most Londoners are very familiar with. Me and Baby Prince from Wolf + Lamb have a punk-influenced side project called Prince Monaco that may see the light of day in the fall. I also have a few art projects in the works not to mention my lipstick.

Thanks for the interview Tonka, hope to see ya in London soon!


What a lovely young man! Please join me in wishing Nick all the very best for the future. You can financially support Nick Monaco's playboy lifestyle by spending YOUR hard earned money on the music that he makes and by dishing out YOUR hard earned cash for tickets to all of his future concerts. I'll be on guest list after this but will still send him a few quid here and there when I remember.

Mating Call is out on 9 September on Soul Clap Records. I won't buy it because I got a promo copy in exchange for this interview, but I strongly suggest you do.

Follow Nick: @_nickmonaco
Like Nick: facebook/nick.monaco.music
Listen to Nick: soundcloud.com/nickmonaco
Go and watch Nick: residentadvisor/nickmonaco/dates

I'll be back next week with THAT Anne Savage interview, an exposé that will rock dance music's online charting system and the very first post of a brand new viral video charity nomination game called TONKA TIME for Mencap. For more details on how you can get involved in TONKA TIME, contact my mentor Kristan J Caryl off of Teshno and Resident Advisor. He'll tell you all about it.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

WRDM37


Think Ricardo Villalobos, think Club Fabric. Think Club Fabric, think Ricky V. Think Ricky V, think WRDM. Think WRDM, think the Weekly Review of Dance Music. Think the Weekly Review of Dance Music, think Tonka. Think Tonka, think Ricky V, Club Fabric, class A party drugs, strobe lights, green lasers, well-written opinion pieces on dance music culture, MASSIVE QUESTIONS with dance music celebrities, Hilarious Lookalikes and loads of credible dance music reviews every fucking Tuesday ONLY on the Weekly Review of Dance Music, and Tonka's Week on the Ran$om Note almost every Friday.

Tonka, you're saying, you've hardly banged on about Ricky V and Club Fabric since the summer of 2011 when nick-naming Villalobos and Fabric was your only successful gimmick after escaping the RA message boards. Why then, you're still saying, bring up Club Fabric and Ricky V again after all this time? I'll tell you now.

I'm writing this week's WRDM post to celebrate a Ricardo Villalobos set at Fabric that will live longer in the memories of all who experienced it than the extinguished mind-dust of their first ever blow job/licking out (given OR received). I'm a MASSIVE supporter of Ricky V - not that he ever thanks me - and I've even flown across the world to see him play a live DJ set. The first time I danced along to Villalobos in a nightclub was at Fabric, July 2007. I honestly can't remember a thing about that night because I was absolutely fucking terminated off of ecstasy E tablets and poppers all night, but I distinctly remember thinking that I was having a brilliant time when a handsome young Italian drug dealer told me that it was Ricardo Villalobos I was swaggering along to, not Terry Francis who, awkwardly, I've always got mixed up with Terry Farley out of Farley, Heller and Faith.

               

I was so impressed with Ricky V at Fabric that when I went to Sonar in 2008 I resolved to grin and bear the entire SebastiAn set between the hours of 2am and 4am (Spanish time) that preceded Ricky V's sensual, sumptuous and sensual minimal Balearics techno set in order to get down the mosh pit for when Villalobos came on to deliver his special brand of sumptuous, sensual and storytelling house music between the hours of 4am and 6am (Spanish time) to a crowd of Spanish people, Europeans, Pan-Global festival entities and Brits abroad like me, Draper, Micky John and Evil Eddie.

I can hardly remember a thing about his set at Sonar 2008, to be honest, because I made the mistake of asking for a leg up and a crowd surf in the mosh pit during his first song. Before I knew it I was at the back of the Sonar Pub licking MDMA off of the palm of a sexy Argentinian drug dealerette, whose name I forget. It was half past five and I'd had a thousand fists in my worn out lumbar. I fell on her when the crowd surf finished and she fell for me, if you know what I mean. It must have been the debonair way I rolled my jaw around and rubbed my back and sides like Leonard Rossiter as she tried to get up off her arse. I helped her up that last bit and immediately got off with her. That free dab of Mandy really gave me the kick up the arse I needed though and I didn't stop dancing until the Spanish bouncers were calling "Drink up, lads, it’s chucking out time now", in Spanish. I fucking love Ricky V. As I said, I’m a massive fan.


I'd not seen him play out since then so when I saw that he was down on the Fabric flyer for Saturday night just gone, I promised myself I'd get down there and have it for a bit. As it turned out, I had to be on Mersea Island for an emergency offsite WRDM finance meeting but I kept up with developments from Fabric through Twitter, Facebook posts and the Resident Advisor event message board. al_cud off of RA said that he played Dogfish, Who’s the Mac?, Drinkin’ and That Acid Track (which acid track, al_cud?! LOLoutLOUD). hamishcam said that Ricky V was solid, a little unspectacular, with not many W (what) T (the) F (fuck) moments but the music was spot on all morning. I haven’t got a fucking clue what he means by all that but he makes it sound like it was shit AND perfect at the same time. He also calls for a ban on flash photography which, in my humble, honest and final opinion is a mistake. How the fuck are you going to take selfies with your mates on the dance floor without a flash on your camera? I’m not being funny, but etc etc.

On Facebook, one of my friends said that there's a reason he's called The Boss, and that set on Saturday night was the reason. Other commentators on that status agreed with her wholeheartedly and I 'Liked' it. Amateur online reporting and social media is so thorough and immediate these days that unless you really need to be at a gig, you don't have to actually spend any money and go because there are always people who'll go and describe the event in an accuracy only bettered by the experience itself. Know what I mean?

   

Long time WRDM fan, James Winfield, even wrote a post like this one about the night, except he was actually there. Look: jameswinfield.blogspot.co.uk/ricardo-villalobos-fabric James reckons the sexy blonde barmaid who served him a smile and a massive pint of beer deserves a pay rise so, come on Fabric, get your hand in your pocket and stick a ton on top of her annum, you stingy gits! Winking smiley face.

So, in summary then, Ricky V at Club Fabric was what you'd expect it to be. He played with panache, he played non-stop house music and techno until chucking out time, sometimes back-to-back with Craig Richards who, believe it or not, I sometimes get confused with Eddie Richards AND Carl Craig, and he played with a tempo sitting anywhere between 110bpm and 140bpm during some periods of his set. The long, drawn out queues around Farringdon to get into a Villalobos night at Fabric are a deliberate metaphor that he and the team employ, and it is one that fits perfectly with what, essentially, Ricardo Villalobos has always done in that large underground dream hole, in so much as and in as much as, he draws you into a friendly conflict betwixt brain, feet, legs and a singular, cryptic, robotic and cybotic emotion for not just one hour, not just two, but sometimes and usually between four and six hours, not counting the occasional six to eight hour all day messy sessions that, in a way, has become his London trademark.


If nothing else, Ricardo Villalobos is the only DJ in the world who knows what every single button does in the Fabric Room 1 DJ booth and that, and that alone, is reason to celebrate his residency. Fuck knows how frequently his residency is - I think it's every three months - but make sure you join me down the front of the DJ booth for his next one.

I'll be back next Tuesday with a very special MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage or Nick Monaco and, following that, there'll be my ground-breaking dance music exposé I've been working on with my industry mole. Keep those lids peeled, lads.

You can also read about my week, Tonka's Week, every week, every Friday, ONLY on the Ran$om Note.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com








WRDM36

I felt dead guilty after rattling them two sisters down the back of Flan O'Brien's on Saturday night. They must have been in their mid-sixties AT LEAST, and there I was getting off with them, putting my hands down their gold lame hot pants, pushing my hands up their gold lame boob tubes to have a feel of their boobs before putting my hands back down their pants so I could get to their nipples. At one point I was smashing one of their back-doors in whilst getting tea-bagged off of the other. At another (point) I was getting gagged off by one whilst the other was giving me a love bite on my neck. They were both about 65 years old, sisters. I felt fucking ashamed of myself after I'd exploded all over their faces down the back of Flan O'Brien's. It was only 11.30pm.

That's the gift and the curse when it come's to a night out in Walsall; there are slags everywhere but they're all either looking like:


Or like:


Or like this:


After I'd finished with these two...


...I went down Yate's Wine Bar and pulled a bird who looked like Sophie Ellis-Bextor. We shared a jug of Woo Woo and talked about indie music for a bit. After filling her front box in the bogs I left her in the cubicle to clean up and sprinted out of the door, pulling my jeans up as I ran. I still felt guilty so I went for a walk up Glebe Street and pulled a woman called Donna for five pounds. She had a slab for a backside and her tits looked sad so I just asked for a blow job. She made me put a Rubber Jonny condom on though so, although I came, it was through a semi. I walked away, past Donna's colleagues, past Donna's boss, up through Caldmore and down the hill towards Joseph Leckie. I felt so guilty. So ashamed. So lost and so guiltily ashamed of myself.

- Why did you feel so guilty, Tonka?
- Because I knew there was something more important I should be doing than shagging birds all the time.

Here I was, on a weekend trip to Walsall, feeling sorry for myself when I should be properly buzzing about life. I'd been with at least four women in one night, for Christ sake! Something wasn't right.


I called Manu from Beats and Beyond. I told him about my evening and that I still had an empty feeling inside of me. Quick as a flash, he reminded me that I hadn't updated the Weekly Review of Dance Music for almost a month. He joked that if I'm not careful, people will call WRDM the MONTHLY Review of Dance Music and that everyone will forget that I'm the premier alternative voice in dance and finally move wholesale to Wunderground or Resident Unvisor. That thought alone, the dozens of people who still read the Weekly Review of Dance Music moving to read the shit on every other fucking dance music website instead made me throw up outside the chip shop on Delves. I returned to our phone call and promised Manu to write WRDM36 as soon as I got back to London and that I'd plug his website more than I've ever done before because, to be honest, after WRDM, Ran$om Note, Teshno, Minimal Messages, Resident Advisor, VICE, Attack, Don't Stay In and Zap! Bang! Magazine, Beats and Beyond is THE best music website going. Bar none.

- Manu, you're right. Once again. I need to concentrate on what I'm good at; writing about dance music. I spend so much time writing about my week on the hugely popular Tonka's Week on the highly functional Ran$om Note website, that I've forgot that WRDM is what I'm best known for.
- Tonka, it's ok. Stop drilling chicks up the arsehole so much and start writing about DJs, producers, nightclubs and drugs again on YOUR website, not that Dalston-centric, arty-farty multi-faith, multi-genre white-washed webzone every Friday morning. Don't let people forget WRDM, ok? OK?
- Ok, I'll see you on the fifteenth for the Ran$om Note drinks down Haggerston, ok?
- See you then, Tonks. Sweet dreams, hun. Text me when you get home, when you get to bed. Ok?
- Will do. Just one more thing.
- Yes?
- What shall I review this week? I've not got a fucking clue what's going on in dance music at the moment.
- I've just got fifteen words for you. You should review the new EP on Them Records called The Run by Hiroaki Iizuka.
- Sorted. Cheers, Manu. See you on the fifteenth.
- Night, Tonka.

The Run by Hiroaki Iizuka is fucking brilliant. It's been released on a record label called Them Records, which is great for doing jokes like: what record label is The Run by Hiroaki Iizuka on? Them Records. What records? Them Records. No, which label is The Run on? Them Records. What fucking records? Them. Them what? Them Records. No, what label is The Run on? Them Records. No, not them records, one record: The Run - which label is it on? Them Records. It's a hilarious joke that you can only have with people who aren't as up on dance music as you and I.


I've not stopped listening to the double A side and B side of The Run since it was sent to me by a very dear friend who, coincidently, is performing a super PR job for Them Records at the moment. The A side is The Run, which sounds like a mechanical mantra repeating itself over a really cool techno beat. The B side opens with the heralded dirty, raw and driving J.Tijn remix which sounds like a tool. After that you get a brand new Hiroaki Iizuka song called Dot. I won't write a spoiler on that one, you'll have to buy the whole EP and listen. Just trust me when I say every track on The Run is fucking brilliant.

Hiroaki Iizuka - The Run
Them Records - OUT NOW
9/10


It feels so good to be back on WRDM. I'll be back next week with a very special MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage and an exposé that will rock the very foundations of the dance music industry.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

                               

WRDM35


"There. Blocked. I'll make sure that fucker never works in dance music again", is what I imagine Seb Wheeler - his face as gasping and red as the crevice of a baboon's arsehole - harrumphed at his desk as his sidekick; basketball-vest-cap-on-backwards and bedecked in sweat, paced slowly up and down behind him. Mouth-breathing and nodding, smartphone in hand and ready to deliver another lazy aside in my direction, Chubby Funster giggles and seeks authorisation.

- Are you ok, Seb? Shall I send him another meme?

- … … …

- Seb? Mate?

- … … …

- I’ll tell him that no one reads WRDM again if you want?

- … … …

- I’ve actually met Tonka, Seb. He’s alright in real life. Bit more handsome than you’d expect, but he’s humble with it. He’s actually alright actually.

- … … …

- Seb?

- … … …

- I’ve got a new Gesaffelstein song we can listen to, Seb.

- … … …


- Seb?

- … … …

…is what I then imagine happened at Seb’s desk in the immediate aftermath of one of the bloodiest Twitter spats ever witnessed (by people on Twitter).


Last week, I was blocked on Twitter by Mixmag’s Head of Bass for daring to question the weight of a Mixmag article and then eloquently defending myself against a barrage of unrelated criticism from their office. The article was a 188 word piece of puffery about how Hardwell has called Seth Troxler’s comments (which he made in the month of MAY) about Avicii “bullshit”, an article which in itself was a glorified rework of an inthemix article that was no more than a glorified advert for Hardwell’s new album and potential new tour. I fucking despair, I do.

I responded to the @Mixmag Tweet in an aggressive, CAPITAL LETTER-STYLE manner...


...a manner in which I unreservedly apologise for now, whilst not apologising in any way whatsoever for the content of my Tweet. I stand by the fact that this is not news. One DJ disagreeing with another is not news and I’m sick of seeing my Facebook and Twitter feeds filled up with wank from MASSIVE organs like Mixmag. Shouldn't a cash rich and established magazine like Mixmag have the best writers writing for it? Shouldn’t they publish the best articles? Am I naïve in thinking they shouldn't have to tout shit like this or is it all about selling ads and building stats nowadays? I don't read things like this on Resident Advisor. I don't see Attack Magazine peddling gossip. Teshno is full of articles and reviews of things and people I've never fucking heard of but I enjoy reading it because I can tell that the person writing has a passion for what he's writing about, and a heart. I can't say what the Ransom Note is like because the only thing I read on there is the excellent Tonka's Week every Friday, but I'm sure it's a good website.

All of those websites, and many more I haven't mentioned, are worth ten of Mixmag in a creative, literary and culturally significant sense but you'll only get to know them if you seek them out and ask the right people. If you have even a passing interest in dance music, Mixmag are in your face like a cock in a blowjob scene and YOU are the ones getting cum in your eyes every time you log on to your Facebook or Twitter feed.


'it'll get more traffic in a day than your blog gets in a year'

I don't know if Chubby Funster represents the soul of Mixmag these days when he defended the Hardwell article by saying it'll get as many views in a day as WRDM gets in a year. It's a bit of a rubbish come-back however way you look at it. No thanks to YOU, my viewing figures are fucking atrocious and Mixmag could Tweet an article about a piece of rained on cardboard that would still get more clicks than an entertaining and unique WRDM interview with Soul ClapPerc or Tim Sheridan (amongst many others), but at least it's ALWAYS original content on WRDM. Every post on here is made with love. I write not with a PR company or influential artist in mind, I write with YOU in mind: the loyal readership of WRDM, the ever-expanding family, the men and women who carry on through endless Hilarious Lookalikes, MASSIVE QUESTIONS and occasional reviews. The men and women, young and old, who laugh, cry and spunk with me every Friday on the Ransom Note, I write these words for you. Because we are friends, you will never be alone again so come on and cast aside your blinkers and see Mixmag, Pulse and the rest of these online click-bait fishermen for what they really are. If you can carry me to greatness you will therefore carry yourselves, and there will never be an opportunity as open as this to brush aside the tired old something something of the tired old something or other.

Or you can carry on reading gossip and participating in the biggest online masturbation party in the world...ever. I'm preaching to the converted in here so as soon as you read this week's WRDM, please share it. Please Tweet it. Please spread it all over your Facebook like lemon curd on toast. Please email people with the link saying, 'Have you read this?!' Please talk to your missus about it after a red hot love-making session like what Ethyl does.


I've had a number of prominent DJs/producers email and Twitter DM me in confidence after last week to say that they agree with me 100% but would rather not get involved publicly because of how influential Mixmag are.

Thank fuck I don’t rely on traffic or ads to make a living. Thank fuck I make more money in three months than an online electro/bass editor makes in a year. Thank fuck I don't have to care about the influence of Mixmag to stop me from piping up online about how shit SOME of their output is. Thank fuck that I’m Tonka. Thank fuck that I can write freely and am not obliged to copy and paste and share all of the PR shit that gets emailed to me every fucking day. Thank fuck that I can use discretion. Thank fuck that my job is not to hype hype hype the fuck out of whoever my boss has told me to hype hype hype. So, fuck Seb Wheeler. Fuck Chubby Funster. Fuck all the PR people who send me impersonal, badly written emails with spelling mistakes all over the shop and fuck Mixmag. Fuck anyone who hasn't got the confidence to say what they want to say about dance music because it might compromise a future job. Fuck you, learn some balls and then be nice about it.

If it's your job, and you work at one of these big magazines for a living, please try and bring up the quality of writing and shape an agenda not based on gossip and tabloid-style bite-sized snippets of what dance music is really about. Follow the lead of people who write and run websites and blogs for the love of it. Subvert the PR that you receive and create something new, something worth reading and stop selling the whole world dud pills when we could be licking pure mandy from the palm of your hand. Know what I mean?


I'm not an angry militant blogger. I'm not a keyboard warrior. I'm the nicest man in dance and I'm all about spreading the truth from behind the safe disguise of a shepherd JPEG, millions of words and an online personality Chubby Funster at Mixmag may describe as military-like and warrior-ish. I wouldn't describe it like that though and neither would you. Would you?

Poor old Chubby Funster, after I gave them both a good hiding on Twitter and Seb Wheeler blocked me, Chubby Funster stuck around for a bit and he now reminds me of the Bee Gee who didn't storm off of Clive Anderson's talk show. However, that is now by the by and, funnily enough, I now bear him no grudge. He know's I'm alright. He knows deep down that I'm right.



In summary then, Mixmag's article about Hardwell was lame, Chubby Funster's put downs of me on Twitter last week were lame and Seb Wheeler blocking me on Twitter for giving some back was lame. No offence.

I'll be back next Tuesday with loads more news, reviews and interviews. MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage is coming up and I also have a WRDM Special Report I'm writing with one of my industry moles about labels and producers buying up spots on the Beatport and Juno charts in order to gain gigs and more exposure in prominent on and offline publications. I really do fucking despair at it all.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Oh, before I forget. I really, really, really have to say this. One of the queens of pop, Kylie, is set to play three nights at The O2 on 29 and 30 September and 1 October as part of her Kiss Me Once tour.

As well as performing material from her new album she will also showcase a host of her classic hits. The new album, which is her first studio offering in four years, sees her team up with a host of hot artists including Pharrell Williams and HAIM.


Look At These Hilarious Lookalikes!

I'm so, so glad that you agree with me when I say that looking at people who look like other people is hilarious. I'm really glad about that because he's another collection of Hilarious Lookalikes for you to look and laugh at.

LOOK:


Fuck me, have you ever seen the king of children's telly, Justin Fletcher, in the same room as his rival, Mr Tumble? These two giants of CBeebies fight it out for laughs metaphorically every day at 9.45am and 2.45pm on the same programme, Something Special. Justin Fletcher also acts up on a programme called, proudly, Justin's House at 11am and 4pm. If Mr Tumble didn't have a red nose and freckles I'd swear down that he and Justin were the same person! ROFLOFL


Billionaire philanthropist Adam West bumbles around Gotham City and bores horny, money-grabbing Russian birds by reciting poetry before getting ambushed by super villains in fancy dress and eye-masks on a weekly basis. If he had the moody confidence of the person I think he looks like he'd not almost nail the sexy Russian birds, he'd most definitely be bell-end and cock shaft deep before you could say, Kapow! I think Adam West looks like Batman without a mask on. LOLoutLOUD.


Have you ever noticed that Christopher Reeve, the bloke who played Clark Kent in the film Superman, actually looks like that superhero, Superman, from the films, Superman I, Superman II, Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace? I have, and that's why I'm including the above picture in this week's Hilarious Lookalikes. They've even got the same kiss-curl fringe. The only difference is that Christopher Reeve works on a news desk instead of whatever whatever whatever, this is a properly fucking shit post, sorry. PMSL.



I do wonder why I carry on churning out Hilarious Lookalikes sometimes. Those three were fucking shit and the conceit was tired after the first Mr Tumble joke. By the time it got to Superman I knew the legs had gone on it. The next one was going to be Fake Blood and Theo Keating out of The Wiseguys. I was going to end the post on Richie Hawtin and Robotman, so it's best I stop this now.

I'll be back shortly with more dance music reviews, news and interviews. MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage will be online before you know it, the second MRDM podcast will be on the airwaves somewhere soon and I'll probably be doing some World Cup stuff over the next few weeks. I've already bought my face-paint and plastic bowler hat with a St. George Cross on the top of it (the plastic bowler hat). I can't fucking wait to see Roy Hodson lifting that World Cup at the end of the World Cup Final in Brasil next month. Can you? My mate's even done a blog about it: iamnotzlatan.blogspot

Speaking of hilarious lookalikes, I wrote some EXCLUSIVE reviews for The Sabotage Times over the weekend. You won't find them anywhere else so get stuck in by clinking this link here (they do look a bit like last week's Tonka's Week on Ran$om Note though. ROFLHARRIS): sabotagetimes/hot-mix-5-tonka-special

Discover more about me:

Twitter : @tonkawrdm

Facebook: facebook/tonkawrdm

My electric CV: linkedin/tonka

Please return, WRDM will definitely get better. Definitely.


MASSIVE QUESTIONS with SOUL CLAP


Pixies. Cheers. Boston Red Sox. Cheers. Soul Clap. Cheers. Albert DeSalvo. Fuck off. 7L & Esoteric. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Uma Thurman. Cheers. The After Dark nightclub. Cheers. Tea parties. Cheers. Ben Affleck. Cheers. Gang Starr. Cheers.

- What do all of those things that you’re saying “cheers” to have in common, Tonka?
- They all come from Boston.
- Thanks.

The above list is a something for something that proves beyond doubt that Boston does not do things by halves. They do things to the max, full blast and to the nth degree; meaning that if you don't like to party hard or do things to an unbelievably mad level like that bloke who strangled everyone, get the fuck out of Boston and go home to wherever it is you live because Boston won't want you if you're a half-measure.


I’m not a half-measure, I’m a yard. I’ve got the words ‘Always Partying Hard’ tattooed on the palm of my left hand and I do things to an irresponsible level at all times, so I could see the city of Boston salivating as I approached the runway. Whilst Jeremy the Jet Plane touched down at Boston Logan I put my X-ray specs on, gazed out of the cockpit window and grinned at the sight of Eli Goldstein and Charles Levine in Arrivals, hurriedly scribbling my name on an A4 piece of paper and making sure their hair was straight. Eli even did that thing where you lick the tips of your first and middle fingers and trace your eyebrows flat.

Here I was, in Boston, Massachusetts, USA, America to meet my favourite (if I had a gun to my head) DJ and production duo. After high-fiving one another outside WHSmith, we were whisked off into what looked like a taxi and sped off to Deuxave on Commonwealth Avenue for a delicious slap-up meal…on the Soul Clap company credit card.

I clicked 'Record' on my little Dictaphone and set about grilling Soul Clap like two rounds of cheese on toast.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. For anyone unfamiliar with the name Soul Clap, could you tell them who you are, what you do and why you do it?
A. We do what we wanna do, we say what we wanna say, live how we wanna live, play how we wanna play!

(At this point, Charles opened up my white iPad2 and made me watch this video)


Q. Has establishing yourselves in the music industry been an uphill struggle or a piece of piss because of how good you are at your jobs?
A. It's taken a lot of work to get where we are. Maybe not uphill, but a long ravey adventure.

Q. I'm writing these MASSIVE QUESTIONS whilst waiting for a grade 3 round the back and sides and tidied up on top at Sergio's in Northolt. Where are you writing your answers?
A. We're getting fades and line-ups too!


Q. How did you come up with the moniker, Soul Clap? Did you ever toy with the idea of prefixing Soul Clap with ‘DJ’, like proper DJs (DJ Soul Clap), or suffixing it with something more exciting like Boston Stranglaz (DJ Boston Stranglaz) or Cherry MC and Captain Techno (DJ Cherry MC and Cap…no, ignore that question – it doesn’t make sense or work if there’s two of you.

No, hold on. If you can answer it, do. If not, don’t worry about it and just answer the first sentence of the question. Cheers, Tx.
A. LOL. You stoopid.

Q. Clap or snare?
A. Triangle!


Q. Dancing on the Charles Volume 2 is out now. How representative of the party is this CD? I.e. Did you select the songs that got the best reactions at your party in Boston, wrote down which ones they were and then compiled a list when you got home, scoring each track by audience appreciation and then whittling them down to a 13 track final cut to be released as soon as possible or was it compiled in a different way, a way that you’d like to tell the readers of WRDM about now?
A. Well, the party got shut down 4 years ago and at that time there weren't many producers making good electronic music in Boston. So at this point the party and the compilation are pretty unrelated, it's just a cool name!

Q. Does Dancing on the Charles mean what I think it means? Winking smiley face.
A. No, it means it was a gathering of people that got together and took turns stepping on Charlie (one half of Soul Clap).




Q. Bosq is involved on the album. He knocked out my favourite podcast of 2013, by a fucking mile. I even went down the shops and bought his album for Christmas! Are Bosq’s multi-culti songs influencing your sound now or is he starting to play more traditional house stuff in his sets like what you do?
A. Bosq is truly original. He's from Boston so he can play everything. His multi-culti sound continues to influence us for sure.

Q. Fans of mine know how much I love Sónar; I partied down, hard and on in 2007 and 2008 with Draper, Mickey John and my former gang; 'Da Ultimate Ketamine Krew'. The Crew Love tour terminates near Sónar in June. Will you be staying in a beautiful apartment in Barcelona that might cost a lot of money but is a place and time you'll look back on fondly in years to come (2007) or will you be spending as little as possible on accommodation and end up existing in a dirty, cramped little shit hole for the weekend deleting ketamine (2008) and regretting the financially-influenced decision for at least six years down the line?
A. We're most likely going to be sleeping in a gutter on La Rambla.


Q. What are Wolf + Lamb really like?
A. A bunch of dicks.

Q. Did you ever play anything that wasn't released in the 1990s at one of your 90s Jam parties? Are there any more planned?
A. That's insulting. Of course we only play 90's music at our 90's parties. Except when we screw up and play a song from the 80's or 00's that we thought was from the 90's, but actually wasn't. When that happens the crowd boos you and throws beer cans. Yes, we will 90's Jam someday.




Q. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?
A. RoboCop bro.

Q. I came up with a name of a track called Nuthin’ But An E Thang about seven years ago but never capitalised on the great idea by creating anything for it. Would you be interested in making a track called Nuthin’ But An E Thang, sampling Leon Hayward and crediting me on it? Nuthin’ But An E Thang (Tonka’s WRDMDMA Dub).
A. Yes.


Q. Soul Clap (you) look like genuinely nice people and I would happily buy you BOTH at least one pint of beer next time you’re in London. How have you managed to steer clear of persuasive magazine editors and photographers who seem to insist on DJs being portrayed as dark and mysterious arseholes who frown a lot and crouch down in corners looking properly fucking moody?
A. Well we're a couple goofy idiots, it's pretty hard to hide that.

Q. Do you have anything else to say in your defence, or would like to plug?
A. We did a track with Robert Owens that's coming out on our label Soul Clap Records this summer. It even has Louie Vega remixes. We're very proud to have worked with 2 legends on one record!

Thanks Tonka, keep up the good work!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What a lovely couple of young men! Please join me in congratulating Soul Clap on a stellar career so far and wish them every success for all of their future endeavours.

Dancing on the Charles Volume 2 is out now on Soul Clap Records. You MUST buy it: FROM HERE

Soul Clap are on Twitter: @soulclap
Soul Clap are on Facebook: facebook/soulclap
Soul Clap are on after Lovebox with PillowTalk and Mark Farina in July: afterdark/fierce-not-shady

I'll probably be back next Tuesday with lots more dance music news and reviews, MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Savage and etc, etc, etc, etc. Nuthin' But An E Thang (Tonka's WRDMDMA Dub) will be out in the near or far out groovy future on Soul Clap Records.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm

"Like" me: facebook/tonkawrdm

Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

Look at my electric CV: linkedin/tonka


WRDM34

I'd just made myself a brown sauce sandwich on brown bread. Two mouthfuls in I smiled, placed the sandwich down on my favourite brown plate and typed in my Twitter username and password into the relevant fields.

tonkawrdm
maayannidam69


One or two controversial/predictable Tweets from Doug Stanhope about that young chap in America who terminated them young women for not getting off with him. Everyone from Mixmag hyping one another up MASSIVELY and showing off. My dear friends at Defected enjoying themselves in Ibiza. Me being nice and promoting others over my own. Everyone from Mixmag having a lovely time in Ibiza and showing off about it. Ran$om Note notes about brilliant things I've never heard of and beautifully written articles. A picture of Ania and Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live exploring a Brixton nightclub without me that made me feel sad. Attack Magazine posting seven page articles about drum machines. More pictures of my chums at Defected partying all night long in Ibiza without me. Announcements from junior Mixmag staff about their impending arrival in Paris for a dance festival I'd not been invited to, let alone heard of. Pittsburgh Track Authority in Detroit. De-fucking-De-fucking-troit without me.



I forced the rest of my brown sauce sandwich into my mouth and went cross-eyed with rage. Gagging on a brown sauce sandwich and violently shaking my shoulders, I put my fist through the black Samsung laptop that sat there laughing at me, smashing a hole through the display screen just wide enough for me to put my other fist through. After that, I spat on the keyboard, head-butted the Backspace key and then head-butted the F, U, C, K, O, F and F keys before screaming like a dog klaxon at the mirror on my ceiling, shattering it on purpose and using the shards of glass to scratch at the remains of the laptop display screen. I did not want to see any more holiday photos of people at Mixmag and Defected. I did not want to read any more pretentious ramblings from Andrew Fucking Ryce, that bloke who used to do Minimal Messages and Todd L Burns. I did not want to see Viz scanning the entire contents of their current edition after I'd already bought it. I did not want to see. You know? Do you? Do ya?


Every drop of bile in my body came out of my eyes as I folded myself up onto my brown kitchen floor and cried, desperately trying to swallow the crusts of my brown sauce sandwich with shattered glass, bits of laptop and bitter memories surrounding my sorry, sat down body.

Even for a shop, I thought enviously to myself, that Defected shop on Brick Lane was fucking commercial. Still, I got loads of free Red Stripe out of it and it was a chance to catch up with my great pals at the label. That thought cheered me up no end so I went to the shops in Northolt, bought myself a brand new black Samsung laptop and Tweeted about it.

I'm writing this post with a cup of tea in one hand, a Tesco split pot strawberry yoghurt in the other, Black Mahogani on the stereo and a pair of dotty socks on my feet. Does life get any better?


What a return to form that post was, eh? Be sure to come back next week for either MASSIVE QUESTIONS with ANNE SAVAGE, an exciting announcement, the second Monthly Review of Dance Music podcast or MASSIVE QUESTIONS with SOUL CLAP. I'm not sure which one of those it'll be yet so please bear with me. Thank you.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com
Employ me (LOLoutLOUD): linkedin/tonka

WRDM33

The Weekly Review of Dance Music is world famous for reviewing dance music on a weekly basis. This week's Weekly Review of Dance Music is no different because I'm sat here in my Northolt HQ at the kitchen table listening to a hastily air-mailed Pittsburgh Track Authority 12" dub plate here, checking out a tape from Mosca that he had couriered to me by motorcycle there and watching a super, uber, crazy and hella cool music video by Richard Fearless on my brand new 128" plasma screen above the sink, whilst the kettle rattles away in the background and half a dozen Tonkettes prepare my bubble bath.

I love being the managing director of a hugely successful, award winning blog.


Mosca is a moody-looking fucker who stands around in the dark being photographed in sportswear AND knitwear, and that's why I like him. He also makes tunes that sound great in dark basements and warehouses when you're wearing tracky tops and, if you're into sweating, knitwear. No Splice No Playback is the first release by Mosca on the new label he's started, Not So Much. I don't know why he's called his label what he called it or why he called the first release what he called it, all I know is that the two tracks on No Splice No Playback are fucking brilliant.

The word 'suckle' makes you think of lickle babies drinking milk out of their mommy's boobies doesn't it? It does though, doesn't it? It just does. Not for much longer; listen to Suckle by Mosca and you'll forever associate the word with six and a bit minutes of dark and sexy techno that could easily sit in the background of an attic level in Resident Advisor 3: Nemesis on the Playstation 2, in a good way.




Vinny made me step away from my ironing board to close my eyes and wonder if I was actually stood in a Shepherds Bush basement, gently wading from side to side, surrounded by strangers, ketted up, pilled up, poppered up and quietly gurning to myself. A warm Italian hand running slowly up the nape of my neck, holding it there before making circles on the back of my head as I lose myself further to a relentless, oft-bleeped rhythm.

- Where are my friends?
- Sono andati a casa per ascoltare un CD Mixmag. E 'ok, tu sei con me adesso, buster. Questo è tutto.

Mosca - No Splice No Playback: 9/10
Released: 2 June 2014 on Not So Much

Have Pittsburgh Track Authority ever done anything shit? No. Their back catalogue reads like a brochure of things that aren't shit. Enter The Machine Age, the first full-length album by the all-American, bearded and baseball capped trio, is not about to blot the copy book of their back catalogue OR brochure because it's fucking brilliant. I've listened to this album about nine times now and it still strikes me how rich and spacey it all sounds as a whole. BPM-wise, it runs the gamut. Genta is 130BPM, Give Me A Chance is 120BPM, Broader Disco is 120BPM, It's Over is 125BPM, Visions Of Serengeti is 120BPM, Cutthroat is 128BPM, Naked Triple is 123BPM and at 113BPM, Debonair is the slowest song on the album.



Would I recommend buying Enter The Machine Age when it comes out in the shops this month? Does a bear shit in the woods and wipe his arsehole with a fluffy white rabbit?

Pittsburgh Track Authority - Enter The Machine Age: 9/10
Released: May 2014

Richard Fearless out of Death in Las Vegas has made a video for his new dance song, Higher Electronic States. Look:



Fuck me, have you ever seen a better dance music video than this? Don't answer that. Let me. No, you haven't. It's properly fucking impressive, isn't it? Don't answer that. Let me. Yes, it is.

Fans and long-time readers of WRDM will be surprised that I like this high-conceptual based abstract photography inspired piece of art because I've always BANGED on about how my favourite dance music videos portray the producer of the song showing off abroad like in:



And:



...but Richard Fearless has made a video that, in my opinion, can stand eye-to-eye, toe-to-toe and cock-to-cock with David Morales and Tall Paul in any dance music video gentlemen's urinal room. I'll go as far as to say that Higher Electronic States the song is great, and the video is excellent, but when you put them both together it's fucking brilliant.

Richard Fearless - Higher Electronic States: 9/10
Released: 26 May 2014 on Drone

What a BOSTIN' bunch of things I've reviewed this week, eh? None of them scored less than 9/10!!! Please boost my moral and raise awareness for the above artists by retweeting, sharing and posting this week's WRDM all around the internet like letters in a cartoon village.

I'll definitely be back next Tuesday with: MASSIVE QUESTIONS with ANNE SAVAGE. Definitely.

FOLLOW ME: @tonkawrdm
LIKE ME: facebook/tonkawrdm
EMAIL ME: tonkawrdm@gmail.com
OFFER ME WORK: My CV

Hilarious Lookalikes LOL ;-)

If you think that I'm doing another round of Hilarious Lookalikes because I'm out of things to write about, can't be bothered to review anything or am still waiting for Anne Savage to respond to my MASSIVE QUESTIONS, you're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak. I'm doing another round of Hilarious Lookalikes because I genuinely think that lookalikes are hilarious, especially dance music related lookalikes! Fucking hell, have you ever noticed how the following people LOOK like other people?! LOLoutLOUD.

Carry on through this post but please don't send me the hospital bill after your sides have split open and your eyes have fallen out of their sockets through laughing, smiling and laughing so hard (and much).


Green Velvet AND Cajmere have been persuaded to DJ back-to-back at Random Magic on Saturday night because of an unprecedented level of chutzpah, ambition and thinking-outside-the-boxism by the promoters, who are very dear friends of mine. When you're there, wander around the dance floor and ask the boz boz for some yellow bentines, triple sods and clarky cats. No, scratch that, you might end up quadraspaz on a life glug! Know what I mean? I mean that Green Velvet, Cajmere and Chris Morris all look like one another and you might confuse the three of them! Green Velvet fans won't know what a quack candle is and might punch your lights in! PMSL

GO TO RANDOM MAGIC ON SATURDAY NIGHT: rsn-tickets/random-magic


Heidi Fleiss and Oona Chaplin have famously never been photographed together. Coincidence? Or is it because they're the same person living alternate realities due to a mystic breakdown of their individual existences in parallel dimensions on Earth? You tell me. All I know is that they don't half look like one another! ROFLOFL


Tepid Since Forever? I didn't say that. Winking smiley face. I really didn't though, it was Mike. Or Wil. Somebody that wasn't me said Tepid Since Forever. Maybe it was Micky John. I can't remember but it definitely wasn't me. However, whoever it was won't be calling Hot Since 82 Tepid Since Forever after they see that he looks a bit like the A-list, super cool actor, Tim Roth off of the Quentin Tarantino films. Will they? Eh? He does a bit. LOLoutLOUD


Everyone always bangs on about how great DJ Sprinkles is. They'll be banging on even more when they read the Weekly Review of Dance Music and learn that he looks exactly like Dr Melfi off of The Sopranos! DJ Sprinkles plays at my very dear friend's party in June, Thunder. ROFL

DJ SPRINKLES AT THUNDER. LOOK: residentadvisor.net/event


Imagine if Bros had ever done party drugs and started to make rave music and videos with foul-mouthed Scottish magicians instead of their incredibly popular and lucrative pop music before opening up the best nightclub in London for about a decade, closing it down in its prime and relocating to America for a bit whilst maintaining a high creative output and a gruelling international DJ schedule? They'd be Mr C who, incidentally, they look like! SMSLOLOLOL

That'll do for now. I was going to Google the words 'techno DJ' and see what else I could come up with but I'm tired of the idea...for now. Come back in a few months for more Hilarious Lookalikes. LOL.

Next Tuesday is MASSIVE QUESTIONS day with Anne Savage. Definitely.

Follow me: @tonkawrdm
Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
Email me: tonkawrdm@gmail.com